Men in our community shared candid accounts of why singles nights hold little appeal for them, citing fear of public rejection, dating fatigue and a preference for more organic ways of meeting partners
Monday 02 March 2026 09:08 EST(Link) | (Ghost Archive)
Dating nights aren't for everyone (iStock)
Olivia Petter’s report on the challenges of getting men to attend singles nights prompted a flood of responses from male readers sharing their own experiences of dating.
Rather than rejecting the premise outright, many used the comments to explain why events like these hold little appeal for them personally.
A recurring theme was discomfort with structured, high-pressure formats such as speed dating, which several described as “forced”, “synthetic” or akin to a job interview.
Men spoke about feeling exposed in environments where rejection plays out publicly, arguing that the expectation to be instantly charming, funny and confident creates an uneven dynamic. Some said they preferred meeting partners organically – through friends, shared hobbies, travel or everyday life – where connection develops more naturally and without an audience.
Others reflected more broadly on modern dating. A number of commenters said they had opted out of formal dating altogether, citing exhaustion with apps, perceived imbalances in effort, or a sense that expectations have become transactional and over-analysed.
Here’s what you had to say:
Men shoulder most of the effort in dating
As a single man who has largely given up on dating, articles like this complaining about men while making out that women are great sum up why.I’m expected to put the vast majority of effort into dating. I take the risk of rejection in doing the asking out, I arrange the date, usually carry the conversation, frequently am expected to pay, then this process repeats for future dates. The majority of women I met seemed to think turning up was all that’s required for me to ‘woo’ them. In return, I’ve had women ghost, cancel last minute after I’ve paid for tickets, complain about the venue, say things like I should be grateful they turned up at all after they arrived almost an hour late (extreme lateness was very common, often followed by a dismissive comment about how I should put up with it because I’m a man).
Clearly there are issues women experience too, but the big difference from my perspective is effort. Women expect everything to be done for them and, other than their appearance, don’t invest much in the early dating stages. I’ve never once had a woman ‘bound right up’ and ask me out, never had a woman pay, never felt like they were making the effort to keep me entertained, never had them suggest or arrange a date. They frequently complain about men’s failings yet seem to have zero awareness of their own.
I’m in my 40s now, so I’m not that bothered about sex or flings. I have good friends and enough going on that I don't want to waste time on something that just isn't enjoyable. If the other person was making a similar level of effort, then I may feel differently. The level of entitlement is ridiculous though – it frequently felt like dealing with teenagers, unable to show any initiative or reciprocation.
Andy
Men are used to being rejected
Attending an event like this is a higher risk for men. Social vulnerability is something men are culturally punished for showing. Men are used to being rejected; women are often the ones rejecting. Experiencing this again, but with an audience, can't be that tempting.This type of event also favours verbal fluency, emotional expressiveness, and social confidence – traits that suit how the average woman socialises better than men. You describe this as men suffering from pride or a lack of motivation, completely ignoring that the format itself is flawed.
If you want something more than that, involve some sort of activity. Add some sort of competition with built-in conversation starters. A quiz? Cooking? Cocktail-making competition? Why not a go-kart event? A great night regardless of the social outcome.
My two best dates were a trip to IKEA and one where that girl showed me some great biking paths in the forest. The latter one is now my wife.
Daniel
Many of us are socially awkward
I met the women I ended up marrying on a backpacking trip: she was camping with three other women and I was by myself. No force on earth could have compelled me to enter an event such as the writer describes. Of course, I was (and am) socially awkward – but so are so many of us.I can't recall how my children met their partners, but we had one recent success. Through my wife's friend, we got to know a man who had been a friend of one of her children. He seemed like a nice guy with no partner. But he was VERY quiet. Our daughters had a female friend who had no partner and who they described as being really nice, so we old folks went into action. Our daughters approached their friend, who sent them a list of questions – "Does he have kids? Has he been married? Does he smoke? Does he have a job?" – which they passed on to us to get the answers. Things worked out. Yay! Matchmaking lives!
soccerdad
Dates are like job interviews
I wonder if the psychology of the modern dating game just appeals more to women than men?I'm in my early fifties now. In my teens, people were either very much in a relationship or not; the idea of going on a date with someone to see if you wanted a relationship was something alien we saw on American television. By my thirties, I'd largely opted out of the whole thing.
The idea of going on a date which was effectively a job interview seemed a very unappealing way of spending an evening when there was the alternative of doing something I enjoyed. If I met somebody that way, well and good; if not, it didn't matter – I was out having fun, doing things I wanted to do. I met women who were attracted to me and I not them, women to whom I was attracted and they not me, and on it went.
Eventually I met the woman who is now my wife quite by accident, through friends.
I did once, for a magazine article I agreed to write, go to a speed-dating night. It was hell on earth for me – I hated it. I dabbled very briefly with internet dating as well, but never went on a date because I never saw anyone I thought would be a match. It all felt pointless.
PadraigMahone
Let things happen naturally
It was the same decades ago. I once got asked to join a speed-dating night as there weren't enough men. I'd just had a bad accident, so I explained to the organiser that I was in no fit state to go looking for a date; I'd come just for the fun of it.I had to fill in a form where you had to describe yourself in three words. Assuming I would get no dates whatsoever, I wrote "toothless, not heartless." Then I sat down with each girl and explained I was here just for fun – because, well, look at the state of me.
To my surprise, every single girl put me top of their list – and even the girl organising the event asked me out. The other guys didn't get a look in because they were trying to be "sensitive, caring, and kind" like they had written down –and this went absolutely nowhere.
There's a serious point here – men don't like dating events because they feel forced and synthetic. The format itself runs against the grain of how many men are wired to court. Being lined up for inspection, filling in forms, rotating on a timer – not just uncomfortable, but actively undermines the qualities that tend to make men attractive in the first place: spontaneity, confidence, a bit of mystery. Hard to be mysterious when you're wearing a name badge. It doesn't feel particularly "blokey" to offer yourself out for selection.
Dating events aren't struggling because men are emotionally stunted or commitment-averse – they're failing because the environment selects against natural confidence and rewards a kind of performed sensitivity that most people, including the women attending, can smell from a mile off.
Far better to go, have some fun, and let things happen naturally – even when you're least expecting it!
Sneaker
I’d head to an event over an app
I have to say that for someone who hasn't been dating for 30 years, this goes against what I would have expected – i.e., men outnumbering women 15:1 rather than the other way round.If I ever found myself dating again, I'd have thought I'd head to an event like this long before I'd join an app, to be honest. But maybe that's just me.
GoodGriefCharlieBrown
Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.
yourself bro
