🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

[MysticMisty]

Spoiler: Connor Fanfic

Night was falling as Connor slumped into his computer chair. With a sigh, he swiped the tall stack of loose-leaf paper off of his desk, sending failed math tests and a crumpled magazine cut out of Molly Ringwald scattered across his dirty carpet. He stared blankly into the computer screen, and willed himself to write. It wasn't until ten minutes had past that he heard his mother slam something down on the kitchen counter in the other room. He could hear his name being mentioned, and figured that his mom was just being a bitch again. The word document which had lay dormant on his computer desktop for almost an hour seemed to mock him. AlphaBoy can wait, he thought to himself, I have to... attend t- no. WORK, the Farms. In the other room, his father could be heard ranting and banging around, the word "Responsibility" being the only one loud enough to actually hear clearly. Connor paid no mind to this, and chuckled at his pun as he logged on to Kiwi Farms, the forum Connor revolved his life around. His computer being unnaturally slow, he closed his tab of lewd "Breakfast Club" fan art and the novel-in-progress that he KNEW would be his lasting legacy. He deleted the three PMs from a user named @BOLDYSPICY! , imploring him to 'get his act together!' and, as per habit, checked @Null 's profile page for activity. He flipped the bird to the picture of Bane that represented Null, and then finally, finally, entered his thread. I'll show them this time, he thought. They're gonna be impressed this time. I mean, I wrote 2000 fucking words. That's 1000 more words than last time. If they say THIS isn't good enough, then they're just trolling and I don't have to listen to them.

As it turned out, two thousand words in a week was NOT good enough for Kiwi Farms, and by the time the users truly started critiquing him, he had already thrown his keyboard across the room in frustration and stalked to the bathroom. When he returns, it will be with sticky hands, the same attitude, and exactly 2000 words.

I took some liberties with what I know about Connor. Here's a 360 word drabble about the life of Connor that took about 20 minutes. @Connor , I am not very skilled at writing. I DARE you to do better.

I can totally see Connor stalking Null's profile page all the time. But I think the nicest touch is Connor's parents ranting about him in the background.

 

[Stratomsk]

Since everybody but me has spent their energy in a futile attempt at trying to reach Connor, then it is my turn now. A lone block of text, no matter whom it belongs to, may not reach him. But I suspect that one day, something will snap in him. Shit, if Adam82, from the Love-Shy forums finally managed to move out of his emotionally abusive family's house (albeit if only to live in a bungalow in their backyard), then perhaps the day will come for Connor too. Not now, nor in the foreseeable future. But it will come. I'm sure of it.

Connor, I and the aforementioned Adam82 are way older than you. We're both in our 30's. Of course, as far as I know, I'm pretty much neurotypical and hence I didn't have the excuse of autism to fall on for my failings. Adam82 does have Asperger's, however. Nevertheless, I was pretty much a NEET who spent the better part of a decade wasting time in college and failing my classes whilst blaming most of the world for my problems and being a general Nice Guy(TM), wondering why girls didn't like me. Adam, has his own story and at least he finished college and is a teacher. But he too blamed his autism on his problems and still has this huge oneitis on this one girl he met once, at a Halloween party, years ago, and won't give her up, despite only seeing her that one time.

I consider myself a writer as well and I used to dream of the day when I would have tons of books out and shit. But then I realized that my output just isn't enough and I lack to drive and the inspiration to write on even a semi-regular basis. I spent like 5 years not writing before shit happened on the Love-Shy forums and that gave me the drive and the inspiration to start up my now abandoned blog. Last I wrote for it was like about a year ago and it took me a year to update it, once I started my job. I don't know when I'll get the inspiration to just sit down and write again. I admit that I'm also a huge procrastinator. But I've come to peace with the fact that I may never write a book, nor may I never write professionally because I feel like I can't write on a regular basis with out my material looking like crap. Shit, my last blog entry was crap by my standards since I pretty much forced myself to finish it because I promised someone that I would. But I do know that when I do write and I'm in the mood for it, my shit is damn good. Maybe you just need to let go of this idea of being the next great sci-fi novelist and lifting ideas from anime and most of your characters are Mary Sue's of you and the people you're crushing on. Believe me, when I was in high school, I too used to dream of writing the next awesome sci-fi/fantasy novel, with most of the plot based on the JRPGs I was playing at the time and the main charcter was basically my Mary Sue and the leading lady being the Mary Sue of Britney Spears when she was starting out (Yes, I had a crush on her, don't ask).

I think it would be best if you started looking for a job, even if it's "below you". I too used to doubt my abilities doing any kind of work that I thought was "below" me. But time and seeing myself turning into a non-retarded version of Chris-Chan, as well as being shamed twice by my own sister, developing feelings for a girl who didn't live close to me, etc. was what got me out of it. But mostly it was not wanting to become Chris and dying alone in a decrepit house. You don't want to be like Chris, do you? Believe me, once you're on your own, making you're own money and not relying on a tugboat and knowing that you have you're shit because you worked for it... Best feeling ever. At least I think it should be because a part of me still thinks that I'm a loser and that I don't deserve nice things. But that's something that I acknowledge that I need to face one day. Just like you're own shit. I just hope that working on my own inner shit won't take me as long as it took me to finally move out. You're still young. Don't wait another ten years like I did. You'll regret it.

Your efforts, which may still be futile, are noble and very much appreciated.

@Connor deserves better even if he decides to make another apathetic and pessimistic excuse instead of acknowledging the merits of what you said.

 

[Cosmos]

Is it just me, or should we make some kind of Kiwi advice column for people who are actually willing to take advice? Because I've seen a lot of great advice come from this thread and I just think that it would be awesome to harness that potential for people who will actually benefit from it.

 

[Chipmunk's Bounty]

Is it just me, or should we make some kind of Kiwi advice column for people who are actually willing to take advice? Because I've seen a lot of great advice come from this thread and I just think that it would be awesome to harness that potential for people who will actually benefit from it.

If it was done, I almost think it would work best to have it as a group-run tumblr where multiple people can post into it, and push out an article once a week. A little easier to keep track of and look through an archive. Plus it seems like most of what's gone on here was throwing advice at Connor, so making people write a formal column will be a bit more work. Keeping it at one a week, especially with multiple contributors, would ease how much work it would take. Or we could also just not do it.

On-topic, when do you think Connor's coming back again? I love how he ended the first chapter with "find out next week." At least it shows optimism on sticking to his work for once.

 

[harvey dirdban]

I think you should make Joe Gillespie a schizophrenic guy who THINKS he's ex-special forces, but then he turns out to be a performance artist all along.

 

[Stratomsk]

Is it just me, or should we make some kind of Kiwi advice column for people who are actually willing to take advice? Because I've seen a lot of great advice come from this thread and I just think that it would be awesome to harness that potential for people who will actually benefit from it.

@Null, I implore you to consider this prospect. A forum specifically tailored towards giving advice to Halal lolcows such as @Connor and other cows that frequent the Farms.

EDIT: Nevermind. A dedicated group would probably be far more effective and serve the same purpose.

 

[lolwut]

@Null, I implore you to consider this prospect. A forum specifically tailored towards giving advice to Halal lolcows such as @Connor and other cows that frequent the Farms.

Just make a group, isn't this the sort of thing they're there for?

 

[DuskEngine]

Is it just me, or should we make some kind of Kiwi advice column for people who are actually willing to take advice? Because I've seen a lot of great advice come from this thread and I just think that it would be awesome to harness that potential for people who will actually benefit from it.

There are already coping and interpersonal help threads in off topic.

EDIT: Anyway, this isn't a therapy board. You start encouraging these speds to open up, and I guarantee you the number of threads prefaced by someone liking the idea of fucking dogs will skyrocket.

 

[Philosophy Zombie]

Connor is the only halalcow with a thread that is still open. The other threadcows are generally either too obstinate like Connor or too repulsive to take advice effectively. I don't see a need for a board for that.

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

For those keeping track at home, here are the last two weeks in review.

Spoiler: April 1st

I shit you not, I started it today. I'm doing Camp NaNoWriMo.

The day you successfully finish NaMoWriMo, is the day I finish doing every single Playboy Bunny in a solid gold Jacuzzi full of 25 year old single malt.

Connor, don't tell us that you're starting. Come back later today and tell us "I wrote ___ pages today!" if you want us to take it seriously. Then do that constantly throughout the month to prove that you're making progress and sticking to something.

Okay, fellas,

I'm aiming for a daily quota of ten pages, which is roughly 2500 words, depending on the number of words per page, usually around 250. So far, I have 614 words in the manuscript, with 1886 words to go. I can do this.

Fuck bedtime. I'm not crashing until that first chapter ends, with Sean Gillespie getting on the bus to school, followed by a black four-door Audi with tinted windows.

@Ruin : I'm doing great in math. Thanks for asking.

I'm just about done with the first chapter of Alphaboy, and I'm really enjoying it so far. I'm about 1,261 words into the story, and I'm hoping to get 468 pages done before the month of April is up. Go ahead and rate this optimistic if you want, but I'm determined to get this bad boy out of my head.

Well, I'm pooped for tonight, and I'm starting to get tired. I'm just about done with the first chapter. I've got 1,493 words so far, which is just over seven pages.

Just about, Kablamo. It's just that I'm burnt out for tonight. When I write this much in one day, I tend to lose mental energy. I need to chill.

I mean, you're only 1,007 words short of your goal. But you can do this, right?

Spoiler: April 2nd

Just got back from TCL. Looking forward to working on Alphaboy tonight.

Finally finished the first chapter!

I thought you did yesterday. How are today's 2,500 words? And yesterdays leftover 1,003?

I'm going to be honest, as much as I want to see @Connor succeed in his writing this month, I'm not expecting it to last very long. He's been a little too chipper recently, and I'm afraid the pressure's going to crack him over time. You know, the pressure of doing the writing he loves and one whole math class. Basically I want to believe he can do it, but I'm going to wait for him to prove it instead of just letting him have preemptive asspats.

Spoiler: April 4th

All of the halal threads are locked except yours, Connor. Good job on that?

How's progress, by the way? According to your goal, you should be somewhere near 10k. I sincerely hope you've been doing a little writing each day so far! 'Zero' days are the worst.

Spoiler: April 5th

The past couple of days have sucked. I couldn't find any time to write because I've been running around town with my grandmother, which can be frustrating at times. I just started the second chapter today, and I hope to finish it. I feel better writing during the week than the weekends, because I don't get interrupted by life as much. I've also been studying for a math test for Tuesday.

Just got back from yet another shopping run with my grandmother. I'm starting to get the feeling life is kicking me in the balls.

Here's a clue, Connor - if your writing plan falls to pieces the moment you have to make a couple of shopping trips, it was a shitty plan to begin with

Spoiler: April 6th

I just got to over 10k Words in Camp NaNoWriMo. My carpel tunnel is acting up but fuck it was worth that shit. I should have the full novel done by the end of the month. How is yours coming along?

I'm still way behind on Alphaboy. I've been really depressed lately.

So I'm expected to achieve the bullshit goals I set for myself, knowing full well I won't gain any happiness from it?

Come on man don't start this up again. You can change for the better, you just have to drop this nihilistic le edgy shit.

I guess I'm expected to achieve in spite of my pessimism.

What's the point of even trying to strike out on my own when my family will sabotage any effort I make? Every time I tell them to back off, they still hover over me like a plague of locusts.

How am I expected to grin and bear it in spite of the shit I go though?

So I'm expected to buy into the "que sera, sera", never say die bullshit?

Connor, you have not "experienced ugliness and betrayal". The thing that's thrown your plans into turmoil is GOING TO THE SHOPS WITH YOUR FUCKING GRANDMOTHER.

The fact that you would try to blow this incredibly mundane distraction into some kind of epic romantic struggle is laughable. Your difficulties are not worthy of a heroic protagonist. They are unremarkable, pedestrian, humdrum. Even if we take the most indulgent approach to your claims about how hard your life is, you are not experiencing any issues that hundreds of thousands of Americans aren't simultaneously experiencing. I could throw a brick out the window and odds are I'd hit somebody who is having a harder time than you.

Trying to portray yourself as the protagonist of some baroque epic and your setbacks as some grand struggle with destiny is not helping you overcome your problems. Abandoning this ludicrous heroic self-conception is only going to help you. And it will also make you seem less ridiculous, which may not directly help you achieve your goals, but it sure can't hurt.

Are we really gonna have this conversation AGAIN?

You know what? Fuck all of you. What gives you the right to tell me how to live and how to think?

You asked for advice.

I'm sick and tired of your macho, "misery builds character" bullshit.

AM I EXPECTED TO TAKE HARDSHIP LIKE A FUCKING CHAMP?!

What hardship? Shopping with grandma? What a hard life you lead.

Fuck you, Chip. How the fuck am I supposed to just accept hardship and smile through all of it? It ain't worth it.

Fuck you too, Hellblazer.

you are here forever though lol

Then I'll fucking leave, Locksnap.

See you next week.

See you next week, then. Keep writing Alphaboy.

No you won't, you don't do anything. We'll be here when you get back, champ.

… because Connor. Connor never changes.

Why you ungrateful little jizz stain. Many people here here have poured their hearts and souls out to you, given you great advice, and honestly hoped you would succeed and this is how you treat them? You don't deserve friends or happiness.

I hope you rot in a fetid pile of your own misery.

Seriously though, are people finally done having faith in him?

The sad thing is that Connor would actually be pitiable if he tried to take advice and wasn't prone to to angry chimpouts like these.

Daily reminder that @Connor has no intention of following through with Camp NaNoWriMo and/or Alphaboy. He's just using it as a prop to pretend that he's Stephen King and write about being a writer (without, you know, actually writing something).



As you were.

After reading that, I could go for a beer. And there's none in the house. MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!

Well, as we speak, my neighbors are outside going apeshit because Duke won the National Title.....IT'S LIKE LIFE IS KICKING ME IN THE BALLS!

Spoiler: April 7th

I get the impression a lot of people are addressing their own internal Connors as much as Connor himself in here.

Because everyone has Connor-like tendencies. That's why even when we know he's going to chimp out we try to encourage him anyway.

there once was a sperg from port royal
who wanted some friends who were loyal
he pissed and he moaned
on the forums he groaned
til on plagiarized novels he toiled

Spoiler: April 8th

Guys, this morning someone was in the toilet when I needed to go, then I lost at Candy Crush Saga 4 times in a row. Sometimes it feels like life is kicking me in the balls.

Spoiler: April 9th

It'd be nice if Connor would come back and show a chapter or two. I have a feeling that it's just another mess like Redesigning Eva was though.

So, I'm back once again. So sue me. I'm willing to post what I have for the first chapter on here. It's not much, but fuck, if it helps me get back into the groove of writing, I'll do it. In other news, I passed another math test with flying colors and zero incorrect answers.

She's fine. I want to let you all know that the first chapter's only a few pages long. I really wanted to get going with the rest of the story. I'm kind of hesitant about posting it due to the dialogue of the African-American character Nate. He's kind of jive and foul-mouthed, a muscle-bound jock who shies away from steroids because, in his words, "it makes your dick fall off." I wasn't intending to be implication-y or anything. Rather, I was attempting to capture a kind of locker room vibe in his interactions with Sean.

Well, @Smutley has been dying to see it...

It's 2,013 words.

Post every single one of them here.

Clever, you gave us a word count equal to both the number of years it'll take for you to complete it and equal to the year in which you started working on it.

You mean the draft that, by your schedule, is 22,500 words deep so far? A little late to decide that.

I have four hot dogs & only three hot dog buns. It's like life is kicking me in the balls.

EDIT: Err, one week. Math was never my strong suit, either. Also I haven't slept in a few days.

 

[Philosophy Zombie]

tfw not good enough to get into Boldyspicy's compilation

 

[Cosmos]

For those keeping track at home, here are the last two weeks in review.









I have four hot dogs & only three hot dog buns. It's like life is kicking me in the balls.

EDIT: Err, one week. Math was never my strong suit, either. Also I haven't slept in a few days.

It really is just amazing how Connor is constantly in a cycle. He can never stay in one mood for too long.

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

tfw not good enough to get into Boldyspicy's compilation

I'm sorry, it was just a super-abridged version! Looking back I accidentally skipped over some pretty good posts.

It really is just amazing how Connor is constantly in a cycle. He can never stay in one mood for too long.

I swear the kid's bipolar sometimes. I never really thought about it until now, but he exhibits a bunch of Bipolar II traits. I'm probably reading too much into it, though.

 

[Ruin]

I'm sorry, it was just a super-abridged version! Looking back I accidentally skipped over some pretty good posts.

I swear the kid's bipolar sometimes. I never really thought about it until now, but he exhibits a bunch of Bipolar II traits. I'm probably reading too much into it, though.

I remember him saying he was on medication. Did he ever say what it was for?

 

[DuskEngine]

I swear the kid's bipolar sometimes. I never really thought about it until now, but he exhibits a bunch of Bipolar II traits. I'm probably reading too much into it, though.

The way he keeps alternating between seeing us as his friends and his oppressors seems like it could be splitting to me.

 

[JU 199]

It really is just amazing how Connor is constantly in a cycle. He can never stay in one mood for too long.

@Connor needs to develop an artist's mentality. If you are compelled to do X, do it when ever you can. Every spare moment is an opportunity to grow skills and develop your technique and knowledge.*

*If he wasn't looking for cheap ass-pats....

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

I remember him saying he was on medication. Did he ever say what it was for?

Depression. Though bipolar can often be misdiagnosed as depression. But there's so many other things going on in Connor's brain that it's kinda hard to pinpoint what's what.

The way he keeps alternating between seeing us as his friends and his oppressors seems like it could be splitting to me.

Black & white/linear thinking is a common autism trait. I think that may just be the 'tism at work. He doesn't really fit the bill for BPD, in which splitting is one of the main symptoms. /guilty as charged

EDIT: But it could be narcissism, too. Again, there's so much overlap that it's really hard to say.

 

[Philosophy Zombie]

I'm sorry, it was just a super-abridged version! Looking back I accidentally skipped over some pretty good posts.

I swear the kid's bipolar sometimes. I never really thought about it until now, but he exhibits a bunch of Bipolar II traits. I'm probably reading too much into it, though.

it's okay lol

The mood changes are more emotional immaturity than anything else imo. I basically think of Connor as a 14-year-old in a 20-year-old man's body, and his emotional instability is kind of a reflection of that.

 

[ToroidalBoat]

I basically think of Connor as a 14-year-old in a 20-year-old man's body[...]

That reminds me - a consensus seems to be that CWC is mentally a preteen inside. Is it a common symptom of autism spectrum disorders to act like a teenager or child well into adult years? Why is that so?

 

[DN 420]

Now I know Connor's biggest strength isn't foresight, but what does he want out of life?

He's still relatively young, only in his early twenties. What does he want to do for a living?

Everyone says that he isn't a lost cause, that he shouldn't be in a group home, but honestly what's the alternative?

If things don't change, all I can see is him living on a tugboat still at his parents.