- Joined
- Sep 16, 2013
🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker
- Thread starter Null
- Start date
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- Joined
- Jul 23, 2013
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2014
You've been told a dozen times why thats not going to happen you thick sperg.
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2014
Why don't you just log out and not come back if you can't handle it? There are even applications that allow you to block certain websites that you want to stay away from if you can't control yourself.
For fuck's sake, Connor. Stop wallowing in self-pity, you'll drown us all.
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2014
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2014
Likely scenario:
Connor disappears for a while, doesn't log on for like maybe a month or two.
Comes back.
Acts normal for a little bit.
The chimping begins.
Begs Null to ban him.
Leaves.
Pretty sure this has happened like two or three times at this point.
Connor disappears for a while, doesn't log on for like maybe a month or two.
Comes back.
Acts normal for a little bit.
The chimping begins.
Begs Null to ban him.
Leaves.
Pretty sure this has happened like two or three times at this point.
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2015
First Fuckbot now TJChurch. I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2014
Because the internet loves to watch you fail at everything
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2014
- Joined
- May 30, 2014
If we count before the thread, this has happened like two or three dozen times at this point.
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2015
You can never leave.
On a dark desert forum, cool posts in my threads
Warm smell of new posts, rising up through the subs,
Up ahead in the first page, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I have last post for the night.
There he stood in the doorway;
I heard the bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then Null lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to Kiwi Farms,
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Kiwi Famrs
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here.
His mind is Barney-twisted, he got the admin bends
He's got a lot of /cuteboys/ he calls friends
How they post in the off-topic, sweet summer sweat.
Some post to remember, some post to forget
So I called up the Moderators,
"Please delete my account"
He said, "We haven't deleted an account since nineteen sixty nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to read them posts...
Welcome to Kiwi Farms.
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Kiwi Farms,
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis.
Avatars on the left,
The Jace is on ice
And Null said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the Katsu's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely posts,
But they just can't kill the kiwi.
Last thing I remember, I was
Posting for my last post,
I had to find the thread back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the moderator,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can log-out any time you like,
But you emails never leave! "
Warm smell of new posts, rising up through the subs,
Up ahead in the first page, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I have last post for the night.
There he stood in the doorway;
I heard the bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"This could be Heaven or this could be Hell"
Then Null lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to Kiwi Farms,
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Kiwi Famrs
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here.
His mind is Barney-twisted, he got the admin bends
He's got a lot of /cuteboys/ he calls friends
How they post in the off-topic, sweet summer sweat.
Some post to remember, some post to forget
So I called up the Moderators,
"Please delete my account"
He said, "We haven't deleted an account since nineteen sixty nine"
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to read them posts...
Welcome to Kiwi Farms.
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Kiwi Farms,
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis.
Avatars on the left,
The Jace is on ice
And Null said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the Katsu's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely posts,
But they just can't kill the kiwi.
Last thing I remember, I was
Posting for my last post,
I had to find the thread back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the moderator,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can log-out any time you like,
But you emails never leave! "
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2014
Head to chat, kiwis.
EDIT: Goddamn that slippery fucker.
EDIT: Goddamn that slippery fucker.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2013
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Quick escape theory for @Connor to latch onto. Not even going to be mean, Connor. Promise.
Connor, math sucks. I get that. Math is shit. You hate it and it hates you, but you need it to get your degree. You also need to dedicate a ton of energy to it. I can even respect that.
However, just taking one class that you do poorly in and makes you miserable is going to do fuck all for your self esteem. Why not find a creative class or some class that interests you and you know you can excel at? That way, you can be reminded that there are some things that you're also good at. I'm not sure when your semester started, but you might still be able to add a class that you'll enjoy. If not, try Coursera or EdX or some other free online learning website. They usually have some kind of humanities class that could interest you.
Maybe if you're taking a class that's more suited to your skills, you'll be less apt to cling onto this "OH SHIT I'M A FAILURE" nonsense.
Connor, math sucks. I get that. Math is shit. You hate it and it hates you, but you need it to get your degree. You also need to dedicate a ton of energy to it. I can even respect that.
However, just taking one class that you do poorly in and makes you miserable is going to do fuck all for your self esteem. Why not find a creative class or some class that interests you and you know you can excel at? That way, you can be reminded that there are some things that you're also good at. I'm not sure when your semester started, but you might still be able to add a class that you'll enjoy. If not, try Coursera or EdX or some other free online learning website. They usually have some kind of humanities class that could interest you.
Maybe if you're taking a class that's more suited to your skills, you'll be less apt to cling onto this "OH SHIT I'M A FAILURE" nonsense.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
What's all this then?
PART THE EIGHTH: TRANSCENDENTAL MASTURBATION
Eva despised Mondays almost as much as she loved lasagna and bifocals: with all her heart and some of her loins. On the bright side, this was the last year those fascists could keep her in the Underfunded Institute for the Promotion of Urban Blight. As a legal adult, the patriarchy would be helpless to stop her from entering a permanent state of bifocal-assisted womyn-empowering nude blogging. But until that day came, she’d have to deal with Mr. Yorkin masturbating in English class five times a week.
Mr. Yorkin wasn’t exactly a teacher, but that didn’t stop him or his penis from showing up and putting in a full day’s work. He didn’t teach much, aside from how to feel uncomfortable in the presence of a public masturbator and how sweaty a person can get. By all accounts he shouldn’t have been there at all: nobody wanted him around, he wasn’t being paid, and what he did on a daily basis was distasteful, not to mention illegal in every country but Croatia. That didn’t stop him. Nothing could stop him.
“I am no longer Yorkin! I am Chad Thundercock!” Mr. Yorkin smacked his willy onto his desk. Lightning flashed, and the desk cracked into two halves which promptly burst into flames. “Now who wants to ride the lightning?”
As one, the entire class shifted their desks away from Eva’s, leaving her alone in the center of the room.
"I am a force of nature!" Mr. Yorkin locked eyes with Eva as the very earth beneath the school rumbled with each mighty stroke of his schlong. "Evangeline! Areyou a force of nature?"
The intensity of Mr. Yorkin's glare shattered Eva's bifocals. "N-no, Mr. Yorkin. You are the only force of nature in this classroom."
The students watched in fear and awe as Yorkin whipped his weasel with such fervor that gold sparks rained down and scattered across the faded linoleum. It was terrifying, yet majestic, like a noble mountain gorilla go-karting against traffic without a helmet. Brian discreetly compared wieners with Yorkin, his might not have been as big and it didn’t produce gold sparks either, but the sticky lint-like objects embedded on its surface could destroy lesser beings with their odor.
"Oh! I feel it!" Yorkin cried out. “I can feel the cosmos!”
With one final tug, Mr. Yorkin achieved inner peace and transcended existence itself, vanishing in a blinding flash of pure pleasure. A thick layer of luminous splooge painted the walls of the room and coated everyone in it. The shockwave of Mr. Yorkin’s cosmic ejaculate struck Eva full across the face, sending her reeling backwards, unconscious.
#fuckdenver #seriouslyfuckdenver #skeltins
The dream was always the same.
She was lying on the grass, staring at the sun and undressing it with her eyes. It was beautiful. There was nothing quite like stellar fusion to get those crotch juices flowing and since it was a dream, the risk of permanent eye damage was minimal even in the worst-case scenario. There was no one around to get in the way of their love. Except this time there was.
“We couldn’t help but notice you weren’t triggered.”Rising from the pepperoni pool was a thin, wispy humanoid figure made of shadow. It stood upon the undulating greasy waves of processed meat.“We’ll make sure to change that.”
Eva briefly examined the figure before going back to staring at the sun. “Leave me alone, dude. You’re not supposed to be in here.”
“Don’t you recognize us and our italics? We are Klaus Krieger and we have unresolved business.”Klaus stood between Eva and the sun, now appearing as he did when they last met.“Are you ready to play in THE BIG GAME?”
“I thought I was too problematic for that.” Eva sat up to face Klaus and adjusted her bifocals. She no longer saw the grass or her sexy sun friend; she was back underground in front of Klaus’s cell. Her father was there too, all two feet of him sitting on top of his pot of gold. “So you liked the drawings?”
“Of course we liked the drawings, but that’s not why we’re here.”Klaus swiveled his chair in the pepperoni pool. Through her bifocals, Eva saw that his eyepatches were also pepperoni.“There’s a very simple reason why everyone hates you. You could have been something, but instead you chose to resign yourself to the life of a pile of meat with bifocals. All you had to do was try, but you wouldn't even do that. Now looks what it's gotten you. Funny how you can feel so alone with so many headmates, isn’t it?”
From beneath his eyepatch, Klaus produced a shiny red apple. He tossed it casually toward the glass barrier in a direction that was the precise opposite of where Eva now stood. Somehow it still fell directly into her hands. “We think you should try something new. Ever hear of...fruit?”
Eva stared at the fruit, wondering briefly whether it was organically grown and certified free-trade before she shrugged and took a big bite, only to promptly realize her mistake. It wasn’t an apple at all.
It was a beehive.
#hashtag #poundsign #octothorpe
Brian wiped the last of the mystical man juices from his face, knowing deep down that no amount of washing would ever make him clean. His skin had become supernaturally smooth and supple and fluoresced a pale blue when exposed to light. All that would have been pretty cool actually, if only he didn’t smell like Yorkin yogurt.
Eva hadn’t moved an inch since she hit the ground and nobody was interested in touching her to see if she was alive--not because of the thick goo covering her, but because of the thick layer of apathy and bacon residue that oozed from her pores. She thrashed about on the floor, squelching with every motion. "The bees! Oh god, the bees!"
“Eva?” Brian raised an eyebrow at Eva’s spastic shenanigans, torn between confusion and arousal, but the risk of being on the receiving end of a twenty-minute lecture about the patriarchy and rape culture was far too great to even consider prodding her.
“They’re in my eyes!” Eva continued to flop about while screaming nonsense about bees, solidifying Brian’s arousal.
“Yeah, that’s the stuff..wait what the fuck is that?” Lacking bifocals, it took some time for Brian to notice the copious amounts of blood gushing from most of Eva’s face holes. His boner left him quicker than his dad left his mother.
Eva gurgled in response, her bee-related screams muffled by all that blood she probably shouldn’t have been losing.
“It’s pretty rude to ignore someone when they’re talking to you, Eva.” Brian was starting to lose patience with her. He wiped Eva’s face clean with the bottom of his shoe, freeing her bee-stung lips from their viscous fluid prison. “I’ll ask again, what the fuck is that?”
“Help! Bees!” The bees were inside, and she could not escape them. Her teeth were bees, her blood was bees, her bifocals were bees, everything was bees. Klaus was there, but did nothing to save her. He only sat there eating his pepperoni eyepatches and laughing.
Fortunately, Brian misinterpreted Eva’s nightmare as a request for medical assistance. “Why didn’t you just say so you silly goose?” Time was of the essence. He had to get help, and fast.
Thinking quickly, Brian sprang to the window and punched a hole in the glass. Far below, he saw a small child wander across a playground. He removed his shirt and hurled it through the window at the hapless child's head. The child took one look at Brian’s shirtless physique, then burst into tears.
Satisfied with a job well done, Brian left the classroom and closed the door behind him. It was tough work being both shirtless and a hero, but virtue is its own reward.
Author’s note: I don’t actually have anything to say this time, I’m just putting this line in for consistency.
Eva despised Mondays almost as much as she loved lasagna and bifocals: with all her heart and some of her loins. On the bright side, this was the last year those fascists could keep her in the Underfunded Institute for the Promotion of Urban Blight. As a legal adult, the patriarchy would be helpless to stop her from entering a permanent state of bifocal-assisted womyn-empowering nude blogging. But until that day came, she’d have to deal with Mr. Yorkin masturbating in English class five times a week.
Mr. Yorkin wasn’t exactly a teacher, but that didn’t stop him or his penis from showing up and putting in a full day’s work. He didn’t teach much, aside from how to feel uncomfortable in the presence of a public masturbator and how sweaty a person can get. By all accounts he shouldn’t have been there at all: nobody wanted him around, he wasn’t being paid, and what he did on a daily basis was distasteful, not to mention illegal in every country but Croatia. That didn’t stop him. Nothing could stop him.
“I am no longer Yorkin! I am Chad Thundercock!” Mr. Yorkin smacked his willy onto his desk. Lightning flashed, and the desk cracked into two halves which promptly burst into flames. “Now who wants to ride the lightning?”
As one, the entire class shifted their desks away from Eva’s, leaving her alone in the center of the room.
"I am a force of nature!" Mr. Yorkin locked eyes with Eva as the very earth beneath the school rumbled with each mighty stroke of his schlong. "Evangeline! Areyou a force of nature?"
The intensity of Mr. Yorkin's glare shattered Eva's bifocals. "N-no, Mr. Yorkin. You are the only force of nature in this classroom."
The students watched in fear and awe as Yorkin whipped his weasel with such fervor that gold sparks rained down and scattered across the faded linoleum. It was terrifying, yet majestic, like a noble mountain gorilla go-karting against traffic without a helmet. Brian discreetly compared wieners with Yorkin, his might not have been as big and it didn’t produce gold sparks either, but the sticky lint-like objects embedded on its surface could destroy lesser beings with their odor.
"Oh! I feel it!" Yorkin cried out. “I can feel the cosmos!”
With one final tug, Mr. Yorkin achieved inner peace and transcended existence itself, vanishing in a blinding flash of pure pleasure. A thick layer of luminous splooge painted the walls of the room and coated everyone in it. The shockwave of Mr. Yorkin’s cosmic ejaculate struck Eva full across the face, sending her reeling backwards, unconscious.
#fuckdenver #seriouslyfuckdenver #skeltins
The dream was always the same.
She was lying on the grass, staring at the sun and undressing it with her eyes. It was beautiful. There was nothing quite like stellar fusion to get those crotch juices flowing and since it was a dream, the risk of permanent eye damage was minimal even in the worst-case scenario. There was no one around to get in the way of their love. Except this time there was.
“We couldn’t help but notice you weren’t triggered.”Rising from the pepperoni pool was a thin, wispy humanoid figure made of shadow. It stood upon the undulating greasy waves of processed meat.“We’ll make sure to change that.”
Eva briefly examined the figure before going back to staring at the sun. “Leave me alone, dude. You’re not supposed to be in here.”
“Don’t you recognize us and our italics? We are Klaus Krieger and we have unresolved business.”Klaus stood between Eva and the sun, now appearing as he did when they last met.“Are you ready to play in THE BIG GAME?”
“I thought I was too problematic for that.” Eva sat up to face Klaus and adjusted her bifocals. She no longer saw the grass or her sexy sun friend; she was back underground in front of Klaus’s cell. Her father was there too, all two feet of him sitting on top of his pot of gold. “So you liked the drawings?”
“Of course we liked the drawings, but that’s not why we’re here.”Klaus swiveled his chair in the pepperoni pool. Through her bifocals, Eva saw that his eyepatches were also pepperoni.“There’s a very simple reason why everyone hates you. You could have been something, but instead you chose to resign yourself to the life of a pile of meat with bifocals. All you had to do was try, but you wouldn't even do that. Now looks what it's gotten you. Funny how you can feel so alone with so many headmates, isn’t it?”
From beneath his eyepatch, Klaus produced a shiny red apple. He tossed it casually toward the glass barrier in a direction that was the precise opposite of where Eva now stood. Somehow it still fell directly into her hands. “We think you should try something new. Ever hear of...fruit?”
Eva stared at the fruit, wondering briefly whether it was organically grown and certified free-trade before she shrugged and took a big bite, only to promptly realize her mistake. It wasn’t an apple at all.
It was a beehive.
#hashtag #poundsign #octothorpe
Brian wiped the last of the mystical man juices from his face, knowing deep down that no amount of washing would ever make him clean. His skin had become supernaturally smooth and supple and fluoresced a pale blue when exposed to light. All that would have been pretty cool actually, if only he didn’t smell like Yorkin yogurt.
Eva hadn’t moved an inch since she hit the ground and nobody was interested in touching her to see if she was alive--not because of the thick goo covering her, but because of the thick layer of apathy and bacon residue that oozed from her pores. She thrashed about on the floor, squelching with every motion. "The bees! Oh god, the bees!"
“Eva?” Brian raised an eyebrow at Eva’s spastic shenanigans, torn between confusion and arousal, but the risk of being on the receiving end of a twenty-minute lecture about the patriarchy and rape culture was far too great to even consider prodding her.
“They’re in my eyes!” Eva continued to flop about while screaming nonsense about bees, solidifying Brian’s arousal.
“Yeah, that’s the stuff..wait what the fuck is that?” Lacking bifocals, it took some time for Brian to notice the copious amounts of blood gushing from most of Eva’s face holes. His boner left him quicker than his dad left his mother.
Eva gurgled in response, her bee-related screams muffled by all that blood she probably shouldn’t have been losing.
“It’s pretty rude to ignore someone when they’re talking to you, Eva.” Brian was starting to lose patience with her. He wiped Eva’s face clean with the bottom of his shoe, freeing her bee-stung lips from their viscous fluid prison. “I’ll ask again, what the fuck is that?”
“Help! Bees!” The bees were inside, and she could not escape them. Her teeth were bees, her blood was bees, her bifocals were bees, everything was bees. Klaus was there, but did nothing to save her. He only sat there eating his pepperoni eyepatches and laughing.
Fortunately, Brian misinterpreted Eva’s nightmare as a request for medical assistance. “Why didn’t you just say so you silly goose?” Time was of the essence. He had to get help, and fast.
Thinking quickly, Brian sprang to the window and punched a hole in the glass. Far below, he saw a small child wander across a playground. He removed his shirt and hurled it through the window at the hapless child's head. The child took one look at Brian’s shirtless physique, then burst into tears.
Satisfied with a job well done, Brian left the classroom and closed the door behind him. It was tough work being both shirtless and a hero, but virtue is its own reward.
Author’s note: I don’t actually have anything to say this time, I’m just putting this line in for consistency.
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2013
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2014
Hey Connor, I got the perfect job for you. I know you're afraid of failure, but you literally can't fail at this. Just come over to my house, I'll pay you $25, then I'll punch you in the face. You'll be my personal stress toy, and I can review how satisfying you felt to punch so other kiwis can judge for themselves if you're worth the money or not.
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2014
@Coster pissed off the manbaby, shit just got serious in Kiwi Farms.
Part of me had hope that he'd learn that this chimping and shit doesn't get people to like him, but he seems to have very bad self control so it seems unlikely . Also because most people don't magically lose their capacity to learn life lessons after they're done with school.
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2014
That chat quote was old. I still love it though.