🍽️ حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

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Which Connor is the most amusing?

  • Semi-Motivated Connor, aka "I've written 200 words on my new story and took a walk with my grandma."

    Votes: 127 13.2%

  • Depressed Connor, or "Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow my brains out."

    Votes: 73 7.6%

  • Edgy Rebel Without a Cause Connor, or "Shut the fuck up you stupid motherfuckering faggots!"

    Votes: 529 55.0%

  • Smug Pseudo-Intellectual Connor or "I've read Bret Easton Ellis, you guys!"

    Votes: 232 24.1%
  • Total voters
    961
This reminds me exactly of that doofus from the sluthate thread who chimped out on us because we didn't hugbox him and agree without question about his need for surgery.

Conner's just getting pissy because we're not being *his* hugbox, and he doesn't know how to deal with it.
 
Connor said:
Fuck you, Chip. How the fuck am I supposed to just accept hardship and smile through all of it? It ain't worth it.
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I know exactly what you mean dude. Can't you distract yourself from all this bullshit with some video games or something? Your parents can't stop Duke Nukem.

No one can stop Duke Nukem. That's why he's the king.
 
Why you ungrateful little jizz stain. Many people here here have poured their hearts and souls out to you, given you great advice, and honestly hoped you would succeed and this is how you treat them? You don't deserve friends or happiness.

I hope you rot in a fetid pile of your own misery.
 
Connor said:
AM I EXPECTED TO TAKE HARDSHIP LIKE A FUCKING CHAMP?!
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Alright, Connor, prepare your anus for another long-winded and horribly thought-out 10-minute Axolotl diatribe.

You hate your life. We get it. We fucking get it. We hate your life just as much - if not more - than you, and we're getting really fucking tired of seeing you complain again and again and again and again and again.

Guess what, man, life is fucking bullshit. You learn this the hard way because life has no fucking shortcuts unless you're either retarded or have a vagina, and we're pretty sure you fit only one half of that description. Yes, that’s right, you have a vagina because you’re a god-damn pussy.

So, let’s go over this again:

- You treat life like it’s supposed to be this awesome romantic comedy (romantic comedies are never awesome) and expect everything to go your way and that the hard times will fade away as soon as you reach some goal that someone has to fucking set out for you

- You talk constantly about how good your writing is and yet you succeed only in writing 50 words per post on the Kiwi Farms. Seriously. As I type this shit out in Microsoft Word, I’ve hit over 200 words in three fucking minutes; this could be you, but you playin’, ya big sausage.

- You’re so close to 300 pages of shitposting but all you do is deny any advice we try to give you and you end up embarrassing yourself and making it so much more worse for when the time comes that you finally get a job and they run a background check on your ass. Seriously, man, the second Google result is the first page of this thread.

- You don’t even try to better yourself. Like what the fuck, man, you could be writing these long, ten-minute posts to us if you just applied yourself. Oh, wait, the fact that you’re taking a math class two days out of the week just screams that you’re unable to apply yourself. Fortunately for you, when this thread hits 10000 pages and you finally get your associate’s degree, we’ll gladly pop open some fancy fake champagne and drink to your not-so-hard-earned success! (Implying of course you don’t give up like everything else you’ve done!)

So, we’ve already established that you want everything handed to you on a silver platter. Yeah, big deal, we’d all like that, but you take it to the fucking extreme. “Oh, wah, my life is supposed to be like this movie I saw when I was like five years old why can’t I get a girlfriend when I’m a Nice Guy™ all those cunts do is spit on my face because I’m a creepy-ass motherfucker who deserves china for holding a door open” and you get the picture. Actually, you don’t, because I’m pretty sure that you ignored the Granny Smith post the last time I poured my heart out to you to cleanse your weird, picky palette.

Seriously, man, I’m pretty offended you ignored that post; I thought I did pretty well.

Now, let me speak to you writer-to-writer: you need better ideas, man. I know how it feels when you get a good idea and then you just have to fucking write it and WHY CAN’T I FUCKING WRITE THIS SHIT pops up halfway through the first few paragraphs, but I could hardly qualify your five-pages of looking at the TVTropes wiki as a “good idea”. Redesigning Eva with all its blatant movie ripoffs wasn’t a good idea, either. Come on, man, we know you’re capable of doing something worthwhile; we really want you to improve yourself, but you won’t fucking listen.

Of course, there’s also the fact that you’re autistic. We can’t ignore that; no shit is too minor, and you wear your autism on your sleeve. Not even that, it kind of protrudes from your forehead like a long, glorious dildo; it’s kind of hard to ignore because – you know – you’re such a fucking dickhead. On top of that (giggity), you’re acting like some weird Deviantart member who can’t take criticism worth shit. I’m sure you might be familiar with Chasethehedgehog? Kek, look at me, comparing you to Chase; at least Chase actually worked on shit while also being an autist.

Art and autism don’t mix, I’m afraid, at least not all the time.

Hardships, though, yeah. Depression, lack of motivation, resentment toward your family – those can be hardships. You can’t let hardships take over your life; in fact, they never do. You’re supposed to take them as they are and keep moving forward. Take them like a fucking champion and not like a fucking faggot; I mean come on man, at this point you sound like you’re letting hardships fuck you right up the ass.

That’s when you’re supposed to stop riding hardship and bite off his fucking cock.

Just don’t choke on it.

And only then when you finally realise that hardship has turned your asshole inside out, you’ll understand why we do what we do. You’re only human, Connor, not some actor in a movie, and you need to fucking learn this sooner or later.

Man up for once in your godforsaken life, and take off that fedora.
 
Ruin said:
Why you ungrateful little jizz stain. Many people here here have poured their hearts and souls out to you, given you great advice, and honestly hoped you would succeed and this is how you treat them. You don't deserve friends or happiness.

I hope you rot in a fetid pile of your own misery.
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It's like I said before, he's just pissy because we're not falling all over him going "Awwww, it's ok Connor! You do what makes you happy, you pwecious, special wittle snowflake!"

He just can't handle that we're actually trying to make him do something with his life instead of bitch and moan.
 
The sad thing is that Connor would actually be pitiable if he tried to take advice and wasn't prone to to angry chimpouts like these.
 
The Connor Cycle (or The Circle of Spergs):

1) Connor comes to Kiwi Farms begging for advice and attention.
2) Everyone on the Farms gives him well meaning advice, and tries to be as constructive and polite as possible.
3) Connor almost listens...only to shit on everybody's advice and whine about having to do any effort.
4) Everybody proceeds to call out Connor on his bullshit.
5) Connor, denied of his praise and asspats, decides to ragequit the Farms for a few days.

Rinse and repeat.
 
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