Personally I’ve struggled with the idea of whether I’m a bad person for most of my life. It’s not always so clear cut and as you well know mood can often sway opinion from one extreme to the other. Right now at this moment however I can say with absolute certainty that I have tried to live my life to the best of my ability as a just an honorable person. I’ve had to suffer through a lot after all, maybe more than any person in my country should ever have to. I’ve been patient and perhaps even to quick to forgive or blame myself at times, and I sacrifice so much of my time and own happiness for the benefit of others, always sticking my neck out to help someone when I shouldn’t. Yeah, I think I’m a good person but maybe I shouldn’t be. I can’t help but feel resentful after all. I work hard and do so much for others and yet time and again I’m betrayed and everything is taken from me. I always have to shoulder the weight of responsibility for everyone else’s stupid little problems and suffer for their mistakes. It makes me angry that I’m like this. I deserve to be a little more selfish I would think. After all I’ve done. After all the people I’ve helped. This isn’t to say I’m perfect or anything. I’ve messed up plenty of times and done my fair share of misdeeds albeit mostly harmless scuffles and that sort of thing. I might think those things made me bad if the guilt wasn’t so crushing. I’ve always been envious of people who can let things go and forget them like nothing but I just remember every stupid little thing I’ve ever said, every insult, every awkward moment, every time I hurt someone o care about. Yeah, I feel guilty about it. Immensely so. However, I know that if God exists and he were to take me today that I could stand proud before his pearly gates and be accepted in because I have been good. My actions and reasoning have been overwhelmingly justifiable in the face of my particular adversities and I have soldiered through them and overcome those obstacles where possible. Am I angry and bitter? Of course I am, how could I not be? You do good not for a reward but because it’s right. Sometimes though, I still wish their was a reward. It’s killing me inside.