Act like your avatar! - Aka the official RP

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I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.
 
The-Wise-Old-Goat.jpg

100% totally real panel
 
Rei-san! You look lovely as always!
Say, after we're finished with the temple chores, you wanna go to the bar and down a few frosty boys with me?
 
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It's not easy being an undead astronaut. Ack ack. Ugh, I'm just not feeling it today. You go to spooky school, get your skull filled with ideas. "You can be anything ack ack!" they said. I was good at spooky math and spooky physics, got a spooky scholarship, did some time in the SAF (Spooky Air Force), went to university (in Spookane), got picked-up by SNASA... but what of it? I'm just as alone here in orbit as I would be on Earth.
 
You know what's bull crap? Killing a bunch of arrogant heroes that think they're the good guys, and when you loot their corpses you find a bunch of them shat themselves before they died.
DO YOU KNOW HOW AGGRAVATING IT IS TRYING TO GET YOUR MINIONS TO CLEAN THAT STUFF UP SO YOU CAN RESELL THEIR EQUIPMENT FOR FIG BAR MONEY? 95% OF MY HIT POINTS ARE FIG BAR RELATED. FFS, keep it together when we kill you. Sheesh.

Oh wait, you want to know what else is bull crap? That one priest or cleric or whatever hiding around the corner resurrecting their buddies after you bring them down. I feel like I'm watching some sort of choreographed pilates video or something up close. EVERY TIME YOU RESURRECT THEM WITH YOUR LAME ASS SKILLS THEY COME BACK WITH ONLY ONE HIT POINT. WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH?

Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, while we're larping here, you want to know what else is bull crap? All right, check this out: so getting internet in the dungeon is pretty hard. You have no idea how hard it was stringing cables that won't get destroyed by incidental fireballs or swinging of swords and crap. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE MY DESIRE TO GO ONLINE AND MAKE DUMB JOKES.
Okay, so I get my bill from the [REDACTED] company I get my net from. Now I have a plan that allows for a lot of bandwidth, kind of like corporate level. You see all my monsters they get bored. You can't have them endlessly patrolling levels 3 and 4 all day long, so I have a bunch of computers and all sorts of stuff when they rotate shifts.
Anyhow I get my bill and I get charged all sorts of extra gold pieces for going over my limit. So I make some inquiries. Video streaming takes a lot of bandwidth, but everyone pretty much is being responsible. That is until I get to the succubi. Damn succubi. Turns out they've been downloading a lot of really inappropriate videos and storing them. One of my ninjas lets me know what's up, and I find two entire squares in this dungeon I'm stuck in, (imagine 20 x 20 x 20 feet cubed areas) loaded from floor to ceiling with nothing but those tiny 5 TB external hard drives all wired into various computers. The succubi got my gremlins (I have gremlins now, it's another story,) to make very intricate shelves to put hundreds and hundreds of the little external hard drives in pretty much farms. I shat you not.
You can't understand the profound sense of WTH you get seeing two rooms like this. I could have used those rooms for storing cloaks or fig bars, but not anymore. Each of the hard drives was like 4 x 3 x 1 inches with a little breathing room. Just amazing. Then I remember the cost. Where did they get the money?
My fig bar fund.
...
I almost spanked them, but then I remembered how much they get off on that. I fumed for a good while. I was mad. I was steaming mad. I wanted to know what degenerate filth these nine succs were downloading so I got a bunch of the other humanoid summons to help me go through their computers as I told them to take a walk in the dungeon and kill some heroes. What did we find? Terabytes and terabytes of nothing but romantic wedding videos and HD 4K 1080-whatever resolution vids of couples holding hands. Many of the vids had shots lingering on the hands alone together. Disgusting.
Every single hard drive was like this, until one of my lord summons found some of the hard drives in the back had a bunch of really bad movie projects of them photoshopping me into the holding hands videos and marriage videos with shops of them.
NEVER TRUST SUCCS. EVER. EVER.

Also you also want to know what's bull crap? The Angry Video Game Nerd hasn't been good in a long ass time. And Mike’s girlfriend is ugly. There, I said it.

Just another couple of days in my life.
 
You know what I hate? It's when you you're swinging carefree from your whip and some floozy yells "Look out Indy!" and it totally breaks your concentration and you fall into the snake pit. Pisses me off everytime.
 
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