Thank you. We were estranged, but I had hope that she would keep working on herself, get better, and be able to be a noncustodial parent.
Kyle was one of Lizzy's closest friends. She was devastated by his suicide. Her own first suicide attempt had been a week before he died. She took a bunch of pills one night while John and I were asleep and she was on hold with the hotline. At his funeral, she said to me that she was so glad she hadn't done it because she saw how devastated everyone was and that she could never do that to us. She still though about him every day.
Her father's crimes weighed on her also. She didn't want to be associated with him and it bothered her to know he was part of what made her. We had been no contact with him since before our child was born because he is a truly evil person.
I worried more about her well being when I left than I ever did about myself. That's not to say I didn't have concerns or that bad things didn't happen, but I want to remember the good things about her.
And that we had children was all my doing. This is where my own awful comes out. When we were dating she agreed with me that we wanted a large family, just not yet. I had a birth control failure and ended up pregnant. We had discussed previously that in that situation we'd terminate but I couldn't do it. I decided not to tell her about the pregnancy and I was preparing to leave her when I miscarried.
We married a few months later and then the truth about the pregnancy came out. She was pissed. Rightfully so. But she went on to say that she had lied about wanting children because she knew that was the only way I'd marry her. I was pissed. I'd like to think rightfully so. I asked for a divorce, she refused to sign the papers, I told her that I was having children whether they were hers or not. She didn't want to lose me so she agreed but kept trying to get me to stop wanting kids. (After my second miscarriage, she went so far as to point out that the repeat losses were proof that "Mother Nature thinks you'd make a terrible mother and you should listen to what biology is telling you.") I refused to give up. Another loss, then Tatoe, then another loss, then she transitioned and lost her fertility. It's probably a huge factor in why she was so keen on the rush orchiectomy. And she did constantly tell me that she was a shitty parent and she had known she would be. I regret forcing her hand but I also wish she had been honest in the first place so we could have parted ways then and both had what we wanted.