Transgression
by Anonymous
Summary:
Is this flirting? Where they flirting with each other?
Notes:
I wrote a few intros trying to defend this. But I can’t! Sorry to all of you.
I’ve been writing bits and pieces of this fic over the last week, but with the IRL meet up streams I decided I needed to sit down and finish it. I got recommended a youtube video of both of them in a debate a few weeks ago and have been very into this ever since. Most of my character research is based scrolling through Nick’s kiwifarms threads lulz!
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Psalm 32
“ Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile.
When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.
For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer.
I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.
For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found: surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him.
Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance.
I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee.
Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about.
Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart.
The problem is they keep touching each other. It’s all very casual. Pats on the back. Touching his arm to get his attention. He’s been in Florida for their first IRL collaboration and has 2 more days to get though.
When Steven first opened the door to meet Nick he immediately pulled him into a big hug. “Hey!” Steven exclaimed as he rocked him back and forth. Nick laughed as he hugged him back. It’d be weird to make it weird. Steven left his hand on his back as he ushered him into his apartment. Not that he was monitoring every touch.
It’d been like that all day now. Which brought him to tonight sitting on Steven’s couch. Steven’s arm flung casual over the back of the couch behind him. Noticeably not touching. Nick had sat a respectable and calculated distance apart from him, but not too far apart his treacherous mind reminded him. He had touched Nicks leg twice now during the course of their animated conversation. Even though the stream is off they can’t stop arguing.
“I don’t even know why you’re arguing with me. You’re not even really responding to any of the points I’m trying to make.” Steven tapped his leg again to get his attention.
Nick really isn’t paying attention. He is just being contradictory to be contradictory at this point. He’s more concerned with tracking every movement, every touch, every look. There have been a lot of looks a lot of touches. Is he making it up in his head?
Is this flirting? Where they flirting with each other?
Nick leaned his head back resting it on Steven’s arm behind him. Steven was looking at Nick with curiosity. He looked back not moving. The arm that was behind Nick moved and touched his shoulder lightly playing with the fabric of Nick’s shirt. Nick turned his head to look at him more fully not lifting his head.
Steven leaned forward slightly and hesitated not sure. Nick didn’t hesitate he sat forward and closed the gap and kissed him. The kiss was closed mouth lips barely moving. Steven’s lips were dry and soft. He felt his warm breath on his face. Their lips were mismatched. He felt dizzy. He could feel his beard scratching at his face reminding him that this was wrong on every level.
Nick pulled back he couldn’t look at him. He leaned forward and rested his head on Steven’s shoulder shutting his eyes tight. He wanted him and he hated himself for it. He’s supposed to be better. It’s so base. Wanting things like this. Being reduced to physical impulses and physical wants. He felt sick to his stomach. Could be butterflies he thought against his will. He needs to concentrate really hard on not puking right now. What was the last thing he ate?
“Nick?”
Steven reached up and touched his arm. Nick sighed and pulled back. He has bigger things to worry about than feelings. He has his movement. He’s going to change America for the better. He can’t let himself get pulled into Steven’s orbit. Steven is married. This is so stupid. This is nothing he should want. Why is he feeling like this? He needs to get control of himself. This is actually the worst feeling in the world. Why would anyone want this? Life is suffering.
“I should get going. “
“We should talk” Steven told him earnestly squeezing him gently where he was still holding his arm.
Nick couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do less.
“No… I’m just going to go.”
Steven dropped his arm. “Okay. Are we good?”
Nick nodded and gave a tight smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow man.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
It’s the transgression and the contradiction Nick thought later. He only wants Steven because of the taboo. He’s a man, he’s an atheist, he’s a liberal, he is antithetical to everything Nick believes in. He knows he shouldn’t want it and that just makes him want it even more. He’s identified the issue. That’s a start. Now he just has to overcome it. That’ll be easy.
Step 1: Think about how much of a dick he is. Okay no wait maybe don’t think about dick and Steven in the same sentence. Think about how much of a cuck he is. He’s a liberal cuck you really can’t get any less sexy.
Step 2: Do not be alone with Steven ever again. Two more days on this trip and he’ll be back home and never have to see him face to face again. It’ll be like nothing ever happened. He’ll never think about it again once he’s far far away from him. Steven won’t tell anyone.
Step 3: Actually scratch that he can’t be sure Steven won’t use this against him in the future. He’ll hang it over his head and use it as his final trap card if Nick pisses him off enough which is bound to happen.
So step 3 is making sure Steven never says anything to anyone that would even hint at what happened. He could kill him. Nick thought impulsively. Okay well maybe that intrusive thought was a little too far. (But maybe as plan 3b just as an out in the back of his head. Jk. Okay, but really, no killing. Killing is for sure of the table. For now.)
This plan wasn’t working out. Nick flipped over in bed again. He just wasn’t going to sleep tonight. How can he know what Steven is thinking? Maybe he’s already live streaming and telling all his followers how gay Nick is. How easy it was to seduce him. His phone isn’t going off at least. If the cat was out of the bag he’s sure he’d be getting nonstop texts. Actually Steven hadn’t even texted him after he left his apartment. Not that he should be texting him to check up on him. Nick said they were good. They’ll see each other again soon anyway. He shouldn’t be expecting a text from him and he definitely isn’t going to be texting Steven. No text. No problem.
He hates this line of thought. It actually
was too easy now that he thinks back over it. Too easy to let his guard down around Steven. Even though he’s completely obnoxious sometimes. It’s frustrating. Then why can’t he stop thinking about kissing him again?
This is so dangerous. He could actually ruin his life. I’d be such a fucking banal way to ruin his life too. So damn obvious. Everyone would laugh and say they saw that one coming. Ugh. Nick opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling of his hotel room.
He impulsively wanted to call Steven and threaten him and tell him if he ever even hints at what happened he’ll….well he’s still working on that part. Not kill him for sure. (For now) He’ll just be really really upset and Steven would have to live with the guilt that he destroyed Nick’s life. That’s enough right? Steven thinks he’s a good guy and a good guy wouldn’t want to ruin the life of the guy he just kissed.
Fuck, he still has to see him again. He needs to be sure he knows where Steven’s head is at, but he can’t talk to him about it unless they are alone. That would violate step 2 of The Plan though. Maybe Nick just needs to abandon plans for right now especially since plan 3b involves possible murder. He works better off the cuff anyway.
New off the cuff plan. Get Steven alone as soon as possible tomorrow so he can figure out if Steven is thinking of ruining his life. That’s the ‘not a plan’ plan. Definitely not thinking about maybe kissing him again when they are alone. These intrusive thoughts are really a problem tonight.
Every plan is a bad plan. If he let himself think about it his lips and arm still burned where Steven touched him early. He should go take a shower again.
Nick arrives at his apartment an hour and half early. It’s better if he catches him off guard he thinks.
As soon as Steven opened the door Nick stormed passed him.
“Who else is here?” he demanded.
Steven held up his hands. “No one right now.”
Nick walked into his living room and started to pace back and forth. He can’t stop moving. His hands want to start tearing things apart. Maybe he should have come up with a better plan. This ambush isn’t going to work. Steven is purposely here alone he thinks. What are his intentions?
Steven followed him into the room and just watched him for a few seconds. Nick stopped when he noticed.
“You said you wanted to talk.” Nick gestured towards him. “Talk.”
Steven sighed and runs a hand down his face.
“We should cancel the stream. I don’t even know how we’d get through it right now.”
“Yeah, ok whatever. Should I leave then?”
“Do you want to leave?”
Nick looked at him pointedly. He wanted to make sure Steven wasn’t going to fuck him over. He wanted to touch him. He wanted to run away. He wanted to stop feeling this way.
“Who did you tell?”
“About canceling the stream? No one yet.”
Nick gave him a sharp look.
“Also no one about
that either. We don’t have to make big deal about this.”
He impulsively wanted to contradict him and say he wasn’t making a big deal about it, but he obviously was. He stayed silent instead.
“Had you kissed someone before?”
“Yes” he shot back defensively.
“A guy?”
Nick’s face burned as he stood still. Silent.
“Okay.” Steven said seeming to find whatever answer he was looking for in his face. “You got to help me out here Nick. I can’t read your mind. Are you mad at me?” He paused for a second but Nick still couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
He ran his hand through his hair. “I wasn’t even expecting to show up today.”
“I can leave if you want.” Nick said breaking his silence.
“That’s not what I meant. I don’t want you to leave.”
Nick felt his eyes burning, suddenly angry at being in this situation. Having to have this conversation. For Steven making it too easy. Mostly at himself for letting his emotions take control. For being impulsive. For thinking even for a second he could be happy. He is being dramatic and weird he realized suddenly. His goal coming over was to make sure Steven wasn’t going to fuck him over. It doesn’t seem like he will. He really should leave now.
“So you’re not going to tell anyone?” Nick said.
“No, of course not.”
Nick nodded in response feeling some weight lifting off of him. He could feel the start of a crash from all the adrenaline.
“Are we good? Really? I don’t want you to be upset with me.”
“I’m not… we’re okay.”
“Alright. Good.” They stared at each other for a few seconds.
Fuck it Nick thought and walked forward and crashed into a hug with Steven. Burying his face in his shoulder.
Steven sighed. “What am I supposed to do with you?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around Nick.
Nick shrugged but kept hugging him back.
They ended up doing the stream anyway. It almost seemed normal again. They were back to the arguing. To the back and forth.
After they disconnect Steven stood up and started to walk out the door touching Nick’s shoulder as he walked by. Nick reached up and grabbed at his hand and Steven smiled down at him.
“Come on.” Steven said as he continued to walk out of the room.
Nick stood up to follow him. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Nick chanted over and over in his head. He feels like he’s experiencing everything through a rainy plane of glass. Like he’s looking through someone else's eyes. They’re walking towards his bedroom he realized. He stops.
Steven turned around “It’s up to you.”
“This doesn’t feel real.”
Steven looked slightly concerned so that was probably the wrong thing to say. This is his out he realized suddenly. He could just leave. He
should just leave. He trusted Steven. What a dumb thought. This is probably his only chance. He could never be in a situation like this with someone he could trust again. He shouldn’t trust anyone.
He should leave.
“No. Let’s go” Nick said.
Steven walked into the room and sat on the edge of his bed.
“Come here”
This is happening. Is he sure this is real? Nick thought as he walked towards him. He felt hot and cold suddenly. He stood in front of him. Unsure of what he’s supposed to do next. He wondered what he must look like to Steven. What was Steven thinking? He didn’t seem nervous. He seemed confident like he did this all the time. He probably did do this all the time. What does that say about Nick? One person in a long line?
Steven reached up and touched his waist. Nick decided it’s time to stop thinking. He could feel his thoughts wanting to spiral and if he chased them right now he might do something actually sane like leave. He didn’t want to leave. It was a terrible thing for him to admit to himself. Monster.
Nick ran his hand over his forearm. Steven smiled up at and him and he couldn’t help but smile back. He wanted to laugh. He felt giddy. He grabbed Steven’s face suddenly and squished his cheeks pushing his head back and forth. Steven laughed in response and put his other hand over one of Nick’s. He brought Nick’s hand to his mouth and gave him a light kiss on his palm.
Nick pushed him down on bed suddenly by his face, but Steven didn’t let go of his waist and pulled him down with him smiling the entire time. Nick laughed as they fell and rolled onto the bed so that they were facing each other on their sides. Steven leaned forward and kissed him. Soft. Easy.
It’s all so chaste Nick thought. It’s such a dumb thought nothing about this is chaste or right. But Steven is lightly kissing his face. Dry pecks on his lips. Across his cheeks. He feels hot and solid and real next to him. He runs his hand down Steven’s arm. It feels so good to touch someone. He grabs his bicep and squeezes hard.
“Ow. What was that for?” Steven said pulling his arm away from him.
“Cute aggression.”
“Fucking asshole.” he replied, but he was smiling as he said it.
When Steven kissed him again he matched his aggression. He pushed his tongue into Nick’s mouth. He licked. He bit Nick’s lip. Nick pushed forward his teeth awkwardly hit Steven’s. Steven grabbed his face and pulled his head where he wanted it to kiss him deeper.
Nick grabbed at his side playing with the edge of Steven’s shirt lightly touching and rubbing circles on his skin just under the hem. Steven got the hint and took off his shirt throwing it over the side of the bed. Nick froze eyes flying open wide. This is going to too far. He shouldn’t do this. He’s lost his mind. His stomach hurts. The tips of his fingers are tingling. He doesn’t think he’s breathing.
“It’s fine. We’re just kissing” Steven said and leaned down to kiss him again. Nick stopped him by putting one hand on his chest keeping him back a little. His finger tips tingle. He scratched lightly at his chest hair his hand moving without thinking. He breathed out. His hand wandered up and scratched at his beard. Steven turned his head and kissed at his fingers.
Nick grabbed Steven’s face and pulled him back down. He feels disconnected from his body like he’s floating through the ceiling. This isn’t him. I'm fine. Steven moved to kiss down the side of his neck licking as he went.
“No marks! No marks asshole.” Nick said as he pushed is head away.
“I’m not a fucking idiot.” He replied as he bit lightly at Nick’s collar bone through his shirt.
“I can’t be sure about that.”
“You are so fucking annoying.” Steven said as he moved to kiss him again. He’s just trying to shut me up Nick thinks. Nick ran his hands through Steven’s hair. Messing it up as much as possible as they continue to kiss.
Steven shook his head to get him to stop and Nick smiled into his mouth running his hand down his back. He grabs at Steven’s shoulder pulling him in closer as they continue kissing. Steven shifts to lay more on top of him moving one leg between Nick’s legs. It’s actually embarrassing how hard Nick is and now that Steven is basically lying on top of him he’s sure he can feel it. Nick groaned into the kiss embarrassingly loud.
Steven laughed a little in response through their kiss.
“Don’t fucking laugh at me.” Nick said against his lips.
“I’m not. It’s cute. You’re cute.” Steven whispered back kissing him again quickly before he leaned down to bite at his chin and then moved back down to kissing along his jaw. He can feel how hard Steven is too against his hip. He pushes up experimentally to feel him more. He feels great this feels so great. He shouldn’t be doing this he thinks in the back of his mind. I’m horrible.
Nick rocks up helplessly into Steven’s leg. Everything feels amazing. He grinds up harder and his mind blanks out. Everything is just feelings and touch and he can feel himself cumming in his pants. FUCK.
Steven stopped kissing his neck and pulled back looking at him. Nick immediately flung his arm over his face. If he concentrates really hard he can keep his mind blank and doesn’t have to think any thoughts.
“Hey” Steven says gently trying to peer under his arm. Nick just shakes his head in response.
“Okay” Steven says as he flips over to lie next to him. His arm barely brushing Nicks. His shirt still off. Nick can feel the wet spot in his pants beginning to cool. He can feel Steven breathing next to him. He can feel the warmth of his arm radiating against his own. He can keep his mind blank as long as he doesn’t move as long as he continues to focus all his energy towards being nothing.
Steven rolls off the bed eventually and starts digging through some drawers and Nick lets all his thoughts focus on tracking the sounds in the room and nothing else.
“Here, you can change into some of my clothes.”
Nick just grabs the clothes offered and does what he says. Contradicting him at this point would require thought and he’s pointedly not thinking right now.
He walks back into the bedroom after his shower unsure of what to do. He’s still not letting himself think about anything, but he’s suddenly come to an impasse where he might need to think about where he is going to go physically.
Luckily Steven saves him from having to make a decision because after standing awkwardly in the door way for a few seconds. Steven, who is already in bed, throws back the covers and says “It’s 4am just come to sleep.”
Nick pads over and purposely lies as far away from him as possible on the bed back facing him.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m really trying not to think right now. I thought I was going to sleep.”
“Yeah, okay. We’ll talk about it tomorrow all right?”
“What makes you think I want to talk about this at all? It’s probably better if we just pretend nothing ever happened.”
Nick could feel Steven staring a hole into his back, but he was going to pointedly ignore him. He’s going to sleep.
“You can have things you want, Nick. It’s okay.” he said softly.
“No, it’s really not. Not for me”
“It can be”
Nick scoffed in response and turned to face him. “You’re being ridiculous. It’s so fucking immature to think that’s all that matters. That we just get to do whatever we want. This is how we’re different. I’m concerned about the big picture. I’m concerned about legacy and the future of society and how we make that future better. I'm building a revolutionary political movement. Life is actually not supposed to be happy or fun, you're supposed to endure your life."”
“Fuck, you’re such a hypocrite sometimes you’re not even following what you preach. Even before this. You’re not living the life you say everyone else should be living. You’re not married or even looking for a wife. You’re not having a bunch of white babies. You think that’s boring!”
“Do you really want to have this argument with me right now?”
“You started the argument.”
“It’s always like this with you. It’s why this doesn’t work. It’s why this is such a huge fucking mistake.”
“You’ve said it before, Nick. You’re the ‘eccentric genius’. No one understands you. So why is this contradiction any different?”
Nick rolled on to his back and covered his face with his hands. He’s lying in bed with the guy he just dry humped arguing about why he can’t just do anything he wants. The cognitive dissonance was getting to be too much. Steven may be right just this once though. He is the bad guy. He is the eccentric genius holding every contradiction. He did say that himself before. Why
is this any different? He’s the biggest villain in his own life. No one gets him anyway. Maybe he should just embrace that he’s evil.
Well, one problem is he has to trust him now. Any way he cuts it he has to trust Steven isn’t going to go scorched earth with him eventually. But now that he thinks of it plenty of former trusted friends have gone scorched earth after falling out and he’s here. Still standing. He’s smart. Maybe this is something he can ride out when it all inevitably goes to hell eventually. It’ll be a problem for another version of himself to solve.
“What are you even trying to talk me into? A secret affair?
“I’m not trying to talk you into anything”
“It sounds like you are. It feels like you are.”
“I’m really not trying to convince you of anything. You kissed me first by the way. I just don’t think you need to be so self loathing about it. Let yourself live a little.”
Nick flung his hands into the air exasperated. “You leaned in! You had been touching me and flirting with me all day. Don’t try and make it seem like this was all me.”
“That’s not what I said. I’m saying it wasn’t my intention to try and talk you into or trick you into any of this. I wasn’t really thinking at all I was just going with it.”
Nick turned his head to look at him. “Maybe you should have thought more because this is kind of fucking me up if you hadn’t noticed.”
Steven looked serious suddenly. “That wasn’t what I wanted. I am sorry. You’re right I should have thought more. “
“I’m always right”
Steven barked out a short laugh. “So, what do you want Nick? We can end this and move on like nothing happened if that’s what you really want.”
Nick sighed. He’s this deep into it already what difference would it make he’s only in town for a few more days. The damage is already done. “I’m okay with the kissing.” He paused for a second “I don’t want to actually have sex though. I’m an asexual incel. You have to respect my sexuality.”
“You know about the Catholic anal sex loophole right?”
Nick genuinely laughed and shoved Steven onto his back. “You’re disgusting and degenerate get away from me.”
Steven grinned back, grabbed his arm and pulled him into a quick kiss. “I think that’s why you like me.”
End Notes:
I planned for this to be more smut based originally but it didn’t really work out like that. I have some one shot drabbles I’m working on that will be pwp. So stay tuned!
Without further ado (text version below screenshots):
