Jesus H. jumping Christ on a pogo stick, I go to bed and wake up to this glorious dumpster fire.
Nigel, I think you're wanted for arson at this point. If I were an optimistic autist, I'd say that this would be the straw that breaks the pig's back (and no amount of magical Seattle air will heal it) and he realizes just how toxic he is as a person. Realizes that there is a common denominator throughout his misfortunes - himself. Comes to the conclusion that he needs to come clean, right the ship, and become a better person, however long it takes and how hard it gets along the way.
But there's a reason he's a featured part of this site...so it'll be "DUH DETRACK-ACK-ACK-TURZ" fault and he did nothing wrong and everything correct. Now give him money, to pay his bills.