We start off with our noble hero already behind the wheel of his car. The engine revs noisily. "Here we go!" he slurs toward the laptop camera. Because he has his laptop on the seat next to him. Naturally. It's like we're all his passengers! How interactive! It's hard to see the chat though, so he turns on the map light. The dome light is already on inside the car, of course. Now he can read the chat safely!
"The fuck, Lazy," he sounds like he just had dental surgery. "Driving drunk? I don't drink anymore." Haha, those idiots will never figure out you're plastered. Engine revs. "I'm not your mother. Ha! Get over it. Fuck you! Don't come at me with this shit. You're pissing me off!" The engine just got much louder.
His chat is so ungrateful. He just wants some Wendy's. He worked hard ALL DAY cleaning his house because his ROOMMATE moved out. He deserves a Baconator. The whole world must suffer the risk of his driving so that he can have a Baconator. It's only fair.
"ARE YOU SUICIDAL?" Yes, chat, but not quickly nor effectively enough. He's a spoiled baby who wants as much attention as he can get as he does it, is all, and doesn't care who he hurts in the process. He starts gagging as though he's about to vomit again.
His chat just doesn't understand. "STOP IT," he growls. He's angry in a primal way that only abusers, drunks, and abusive drunks can be. "Stop being stupid! Honestly!" EYES ON THE ROAD, DIPSHIT. "You're all being dumb, like... Use a braincell! It's called DRIVING. To get FOOD. Oh my god!"
Belligerence level: Four Fat Losers out of ten. There's some real anger here, but he's still thinking that if the killjoys in his chat would just STFU already, everything will be fine and they can go back to giving him positive attention again. Like they're supposed to, GAWD.
He accelerates sharply, takes his foot off the gas, then slams the accelerator again. "Move it or lose it, sister!" He punches the gas, gets up behind the vehicle ahead, takes his foot off, punches it again. "Yes. Yes. Yes," he's muttering to the driver ahead of him. "You all can't go the same fucking speed." Rev. Back off. Rev. Back off. Rev. "Alright, you passed! Move over!" He gestures angrily. Rev. Back off. Rev. "Okay... Mmmmokaiiiiii.... Mmmmmoooookaaaaaaaiiiii," the other car has presumably moved back into the righthand lane. Sjam seems pleased. "FUCKING IDIOTS!" Never mind. "Thass whatchu geht!"
More coughing and gagging. "Goddamn, it smells like skunk!" Sure. He's nearly doubled over, one hand on the wheel, one hand over his mouth. There's a sudden roar as the windows are rolled down, then back up.
The profile of a god. The god of missing chromosomes.
We're only ten minutes in and we already could have died about four times. But this very masculine and intelligent specimen has delivered us safely thus far! Isn't it just so, I dunno,
attractive when a man keeps you safe like this, gorls?
"Oh, shut up, Danzig," he says to the mod who's been super supportive of him the last while, "Like, areya fucken dumb? Like yaguys are bein stooopid. Wadever. Be done with me then. Like fuckkk. Well fuckkk donaccuse mea shit I dinna do!"
Belligerence level: Six and a half Middle School Rejects out of ten. He's really upset people are accusing him of being drunk even though he CLEARLY said he wasn't. I fully expect him to moan about how's he
ever supposed to get sober if no one will TRUST HIM?
"Mygawd. Sorreeeee I'm goin to fukken WENDY'S cos I'm HUNGRY after fixing my wholeplaceuuuuuup..." He's mocking his chat. "Uuuugh, you're driving drunk! Uuugh I'm never comin back agin! I'm never comin back agin! Then bye! Fuckoff! Thanks for doin me a favor!"
Ladies and Gentlemen, the most punchable face in Canada.
Next, we get some outstanding drunk logic. You see, Danzig is usually supportive, but now she's not and that's BULLSHIT so STOP IT DANZIG! Stop saying you're done with Poor Sjam! Stop hurting his feelings! Consequences, who? His own actions, what? EVERYONE BE NICE AND DON'T LEAVE! OTHERWISE YOU'RE SHITTY AND HE WANTS YOU TO LEAVE! SO THERE!
"I don't know what you think I am, but you're WRONG!" No I'm not. "God forbid I go to fukken Wendy's." Yes, that's obviously the issue. Burger King would've been fine. "I'm being a jerk? Y'all are threatening to call the cops on me!" To be fair, you're a criminal. "Oh, I'm fukken workin my ass off and goin to Wendy's! Oh, I'm SORREEEEE!"
I'm not going to transcribe anymore unless he deviates from his current ranting. It's all drunken babbling, mocking the concerns of his chat, yelling at them for being upset, denying he's drunk, and trying to make it seem Wendy's is the problem. Also, he's been working hard all day and no one has any sympathy for Poor Sjam.
The erratic revving hasn't stopped. It's so bad it honestly sounds like he's in the wrong gear half the time, but it's an automatic transmission. He just keeps slamming that gas pedal in short bursts. Just like they teach you in driver's ed. Very safe, much sober. "I think I know how to fucken drive," And we say he has no self-confidence! "My car is fucken loud. I'm not gunnin' it all the time," It's not the volume so much as the pattern, but go on.
12:30 - We have arrived at Wendy's.
Now. To be fair, he was already driving when the video started. However, this is still only half the time Google Maps estimates the journey to take. And he was clearly tailgating and trying to intimidate other drivers into speeding up or getting out of his way on the freeway. I think it's reasonable to conclude he wasn't exactly minding the speed limit. But let's not rush to judgment, because Poor Sjam deserves the benefit of the doubt. After all, he cleaned his WHOLE LIVING ROOM today.
More mockery and abuse of his chat. "Stop it, Theresa! How is this ridiculous behavior? My roommate moved out, I cleaned my house, and now I'm going to Wendy's! How is that ridiculous behavior?" Who wouldn't want to be romantically involved with a guy who clearly takes his friends' concerns seriously and never ever makes strawman arguments or tries to make them seem unreasonable or stupid? He's only told them to fuck off 14 times!
"A hundred and forty people watching. Oh my god. Because I'm sooooo unhinged. I'm gonna go to Wendy's, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna eat, and I'm gonna pass out like a normal person!" There is nothing normal about you or your lifestyle, Tyler. I'm sorry your shitty parents raised you to believe otherwise, but you're 31 now. Time to grow the fuck up or die a mewling baby.
Ariel, aka
Kipperface Wormspeaker, asks why he didn't use Ubereats or something. "We don't have that shit here," he sneers, "It's a ten minute drive to Wendy's. I'm not
lazy. I
drive to where I need to go." Yeah, according to Google Maps, there's really nothing within a ten minute drive of Sjam's apartment, so it seems like he's long understood the posted speed limit to be more of a suggestion than anything else. Also, I checked SkiptheDishes, a Canadian DoorDash equivalent, and McDonald's would have brought him a burger. Free delivery, too. Buuuut it's not what he was craving, so much like Gunt, the world has to stop so he can get his fast food of choice.
Also much like Gunt, he's a totally different person when he's dealing with drive-thru employees. Only instead of a Low BMI Voice, he's got a Low BAC Voice. Unfortunately, our resident Rhodes Scholar forgot about the speaker and rambled drunkenly at his chat as he waited for her to take his order. "You're all being fukken retarded," he mumbles, "Why ya gotta hate hate hate hate. I'm sick of it. Shut up all a ya. Um, yeah, could I get a Baconator meal? With coke? And could I also get an order of the chili cheese nachos? Thank you. Shit thizzis tiiiite, fock. What th'fuck izzy doin. Ya know what, I'm not gonna take lightly people talking about me drivin' impaired. So if you're gonna talk about me drivin' impaired, you can jussss leave or ya gonna geht blocked. I don' need people spreading bullshit and lies. BUH BYE. Fukken stupid. Don't give a fuck about views." And so on.
We have our food! We are free! Sjam celebrates by absolutely hammering down the accelerator. The timestamp is 20:00.
We're at a red light. We're blocking people. The issue is that everyone is accusing him of THIS FUCKING SHIT and he's NOT HAVING IT. "It's called FUCK OFF, actually," he says. "Okay, we can do it this way. We can play this game. We can do this. Click this. Click that..." We're on members only chat. "Anyone else need to be blocked?" It's surreal, watching this fat little man block people on his laptop as he sits at a red right, too drunk to focus his eyes properly. The Wendy's bag, just in frame, is a nice touch.
Man, it's a lucky woman who's gonna land this prize. Every little girl dreams of being told she's playing games and being the bad guy when she begs her husband not to drive drunk. There was a Barbie for that, I think. Doctor, lawyer, emotionally-abused spouse of an alcoholic who's only too happy to try to make everything her fault...
Sjam stews for a bit, driving in silence. But don't worry, he's still reading chat.
We are not stopped. We are driving on a freeway in this screencap.
"We're almost home," he says at last. "For all the good viewers, I'm sorry to get all angry, it's just..." Just that I wouldn't have to yell at you if you'd just shut your mouth and stop accusing me of doing things I'm clearly doing right now, this minute, in front of your eyes. "I'm just sooooo sick of some people on here. It's ridiculous. I don't have to sign up for that. I don't have to deal with that." Just as a point of fact, no one else on the road signed up to deal with a chunky manlet drunkenly ramming into them on the freeway, but you're right. You don't need to broadcast your crimes to a live audience. But then, Tyler, what would you have in your life?
