The man pushed his coke-bottle glasses further up his nose, adjusting position on the tattered sofa in his mother's basement, the grinning face of Spongebob Squarepants gazed back at him from the TV screen, his high pitched laugh like a knife against the man's back. This was not the sponge he had grown up with, this was not the sponge that had once drawn laughter and warm feelings from him even on the worst of days. This sponge was something altogether alien. This sponge was mean-spirited, the jokes now sadistic and wrong. This sponge called Squidward a squid when he was clearly an octopus. This sponge called Sandy Cheeks Sandy Squirrel.
Scratching at the acne that had cropped up across his bare back and stomach, now as round and bulbous as Sandy the squirrel's air-helmet, he opened his mouth to speak out against this mockery, this... this... cubic creeper. "Now..." he said, voice raspy as it had been days since he'd last had anyone around to listen to his thoughts. "You 'thee," his lisp had grown worse these past few years. There was a time when he'd wanted to correct it, but that was back when he still had hopes for the future. Now, he hadn't even the hope of holding down a minimum wage job at the local Wendy's, his aroma would only scare customers away. "You 'thee..." he repeated, voice now much firmer. "Thith epithode really Crotheth The Line Twithe, it'th bad enough that Plankton hath been Demoted To Extra lately, but now they are joking about him being suicidal? I'm all for the Parental Bonuseth but this is too much, it's turning the cartoon into a Sadist Show, especially becauthe Mr. Krabth and Thpongebob don't get any retribution. They have become Karma Houdinis."
The little girl, no more than five years old, was the only person in the room present to acknowledge his tearful declaration. She turned, her expression no longer showing the amusement it had not but one minute prior. "Uncle Matt, I just wanna watch the cartoon!" she complained. Despite her young age, she knew that her uncle's behavior was not the norm for someone pushing forty, she noted with an unusual shiver up her tiny spine that he likely thought about Spongebob with a much higher frequency than even she did.
"By the way," Matt continued on, unaware or perhaps just uncaring of his niece's sudden chilling discomfort. "I wath reading an article earlier, and it claimed that Thpongebob told Patrick not to drop thome thoap, but really he thaid it to Gary. To cap it off, they thpelled Chuckie from Rugrats' name wrong. That'th a real cathe of Cowboy Bepop At Hith Computer..."
The little girl glumly turned back to the TV screen, wanting to be sucked back into the undersea adventures of Spongebob and his colorful friends, but like many before her, her innocence had been squashed in a darkened basement by her creepy uncle, and while this wasn't the typical way for such a thing to happen, the result was the same. She no longer saw things as she once did. Instead of seeing Spongebob and other such cartoons as things made for her enjoyment or to teach her life lessons, she now saw them as things that could also do damage to her. Maybe not by teaching her bad words or to punch or whine to get her way, as pearl-clutching mothers at her Kindergarten PTA once feared, but by turning her into something she, even at her young age, realized she did not want to be; A fully grown adult, still living with their parents, fired from jobs at fast food restaurants, sitting alone all day and watching shows meant for people a quarter of their age.
People like Uncle Matt.
She stood, eyes downcast. The sparkly ballet flats she'd put on that morning, in the wake of her epiphany, now seemed too childish for her. As she approached the staircase, she gave Uncle Matt a sad look. It was too late for him, she knew not what it was which had ensnared him so thoroughly, but she knew that cartoons must have had something to do with it. Perhaps that odd looking puzzle piece of which a picture hung above the sofa had something to do with it as well. She had half a mind to ask Uncle Matt what it meant, maybe the yellow, red, green and blue segmented colorations had some sort of symbolism to them. But, no, she'd never had a conversation with him that didn't eventually return to his unbridled anger at children's TV shows.
So, instead, she just climbed the stairs, returning to the first floor where the rest of the family was gathered to celebrate Christmas. She shut the door with a hollow click, leaving behind Uncle Matt and the world of cartoons.
If Uncle Matt had been privy to the thoughts swirling around in his niece's mind, he would have surely informed her that she was experiencing a Heroic BSOD.