Hi lovelies,
please note: its 1:30 am, I can't sleep, and my mind has been going in circles for hours
I had a weird thing happen earlier this evening. I was out for dinner with my extended family: Me, my son, my Dad, Stepmum, brother, brothers fiance, brother's son. The venue is one of those boutique microbrewery places that also serves food. Typical Australian thing.
A little while after we arrive and have settled at the table my Stepmum leans in and says that a guy at the next table is looking at me. I glance over and he does seem to be deliberately looking at me. My first thought thought is to
ask myself whether this dude is thinking about wanting to f*ck me or fight me. I then pretty much forget about him when my son starts demanding attention.
I'm finding this whole thing disproportionatly weird. I'm 42 transfemme, mostly lesb, and
married to a ciswoman. Wife and I met prior to transition. I've never felt particularly physically attractive, and can't remember ever drawing attention that way from anyone really. My existence is basically characterised as being 'background character #3'
2 weeks ago I hit rock bottom in my life. I had a dissociative episode where after a month of spiralling I became overwhelmed. One minute I was drinking coffee and helping son get ready for school. Next minute someone else was driving my body, and
they were in a blind rage. I barely remember any of it. I tried to hang myself. The backyard camera caught the attempt and that is not something I ever want to watch again.
After this I apparently just walked out of the house and vanished for 2 hours. I do not know where I went or what I did. I turned up several kilometres away to the local veterans support place, in a daze just rambling on about nonsense and needing help. I had sticks and stuff in my hair and a huge bruise on my foot. After calming me down they got in contact with my wife, who had called an ambulance because I had hurt her. The police then turned up and arrested me. I was taken to the hospital where I started having PTSD flashback because a beeper or something in the ER sounds like the emergency alarm on a FFG. Eventually the mental health nurse sees me, relays what I say to the psychiatrist.
So, dissociation, suicide attempt, ptsd flashbacks.Psych decide the best thing for me is to leave hospital and go to the Police lock up.
I'm charged with assault on my wife. I'm strip searched,
made to surrender my bra, barefoot, and put in a cell next to a meth head who's noisily coming down. It's cold, and noisy.
Next morning, having had no sleep I'm taken to the courthouse to be put in another cell. We're told nothing except to wait to see the duty lawyer before we face the magistrate. I see the duty lawyer at about 3pm. The magistrate maybe an hour later. I'm still barefoot, braless, haven't slept and still in yesterday's clothes. I'm put on bail, not allowed to go to my home
or contact my wife for help.
I'm released from lockup at 450pm. It's Friday, and a long weekend is about to start. I'm lucky in that at some point my wife gave the police my handbag, phone, and car keys. Otherwise I'd have had literally a tshirt, bra, bike shorts, and knickers.
I call a friend who's able to take my keys to collect my car from home, along with some clothes and other supplies.
I try to get a room for the night, long weekend, all booked up. I call my dad and beg him to take me in. After the obligatory lecture from him, I'm able to go there. It's an hour drive, along the way I contemplate several times ramming a bridge pylon at speed. Rock meet bottom.
The veterans support place have been helping me. They've facilitated a stay in a mental health hospital, I'm going there Monday.
Its now 2:22 am.This madness is just going round and round in my head. I can't make it stop.
I'm wrestling with the urge to delete this post. Thats been my default to everything since I was 11. Lock the feelings away, keep everyone out.
I just feel so very lost right now.
Lost and ashamed of myself. It hurts in my chest.
Somehow I need to balance going to hospital with all the legal stuff and going to court in 2 weeks.
Little stuff is stressing me out, is there parking at the hospital? If no, where does my car go? If no car how do I travel to the lawyers appointment, which I can't change because its too short notice. Literally have been phoned on a saturday afternoon about a hospital admission on Monday.
I only have my son until the afternoon, and I'm losing half the day because my brother bullied me into helping him run an errand. Then his fiance (who's like yean years younger than me) lectured me making sure I look after myself and talking to people when I'm struggling. Bitch, please, like I didn't already know that. The real problem is the glass wall between me and everyone else.
I'm very neurodivergent. And I'm the only adult one in my family. My son is diagnosed ADHD and suspected autistic. There is a glass wall between me and everyone who I love. And apparently the wall makes me 'difficult' I don't want to be difficult, but there's intrusive thoughts and paranoia.
Everywhere I go I just don't fit in. I've tried a veterans group, but I'm much younger than most of them, and they're usually men. I tried a craft group, sewing and crochet etc. Those women are also older than me, and the neurospicy makes it hard for me to do small talk.
I joined Jiu-jitsu a few months back, and was quietly optimistic. I met some women who are my age, they find me pleasant. Then one evening we had a relief instructor come in. I recognise him.
He Was At My Wedding. He only knows me as [deadname]. Instant panic attack. I blurted out some stuff to a new friend, who realises that I've just accidentally outed myself to her. I then realise what I've done and the chest pain starts.
I'm lucky that this person is supportive of me, pretty much anyone else there that night I would not trust to be open with.
My chest has been aching for 6 weeks now, and I do not know how I have any adrenaline left, its been pumping for so long now.
It's 3 am. I've been typing for 90 minutes. I'm so tired that I'm just gunna roll the dice with this post. Please be gentle with me.

