Please bare with me in this
I Socially transitioned when I was 18 and was referred to the gender clinic about 6 months before.
I bounced between self medicating as and when I could afford with hormones and trying to pay for laser as I could which was hard as a uni student.
I didn’t get seen any information regarding when I would be seen they just said in 6 months every time. By the time I was 21 I had fully given up and expected I’d never be seen by them.
I was lucky that a new clinic opened up trans plus in London and I was one of there first patients. I got my hormone prescription after a blood test and referred for laser really quickly this was in 2020 when I was 22. I’ve been on hormones properly since and love the care they given me.
So surgery, I’ve always been hit and miss with the surgery. I’m scared of potential results such as long term pain and complications and not being able to have a fulfilling sex life.
I don’t mind my penis in sex once I’ve learnt to trust and understand my partner but before then it makes me feel masculine and odd.
Day to day it doesn’t bother me until I leave the house where tucking is a pain. It’s never fully flat and sometimes your scrotum sticks out the side of the tuck and gets cut between you and the edge of the tucking underwear which is brutal.
I love swimming and the ocean and I’m a scuba diver but I’ve participated in this less frequently.
I still go to the beach and join these activities but don’t feel confident just standing there in a bikini and always find my self constantly returning every-time I’m in the ocean.
I want to wear cute underwear and not have to deal with the stress and the headache and I’m also 24 and want to wear everything with freedom while I’m still young.
I also can’t imagine being a mum with a penis. Always a closed door when getting dressed. Having to perform weird wizardry when changing into swimming stuff at the pool with your kids etc.
But I also fiddle with my penis a lot, like when I’m just sat around at home on the sofa I’m always kinda touching it haha
Fuck knows it’s doing my head in.
I’m currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years which is great but he hates the idea of surgery and messing with things and the fact it can so easily go wrong he kinda shuts down the convo. (He’s a straight guy, has long term dated both cis and trans women) also his penis is 6.7inches in length and measures 6ish around in girth
I worry I could blow up my relationship or make dating in the future harder by people not wanting to be with man made genitals which could potentially have issues visually and functionally.
The reason this has all come to a head is because I’ve finally asked my clinic to be referred for GCS SRS GRS or whatever the term is via the NHS. I’m really interested in going with Tina Rashid. I’ve been asked multiple times since I joined the clinic and I’ve declined.
I just feel like I’m getting to a place in my life where I want the transition to end to not feel other than and to feel complete in myself but am terrified of regret as I’d rather have a penis then something that would potentially cause me physical/ emotional pain and potentially make my dating pool smaller.
I’m kinda passable in the sense that most people don’t know when seeing me walk by or having a short convo or drunk but outside of that I feel people know although some don’t. I’ve also been told I’m attractive by many many people. In fact most people and I’ve never struggled to date short term or long term. I never bother changing my voice which kinda floats in the middle of male and female. And I’m planning on ffs for my slight brow bone and Adam’s apple but only slight.
So I’m confused and don’t know what to do
Any insight on peoples thoughts of what I’ve said.
There own experiences
Or any incites on Tina Rashid as a surgeon and your results with her.
I’m in such an ahhhhhh place and I don’t know any other trans people at all so would be great to connect and talk!
