u/East-Information-448
My confidence is out the window, burning on the ground
Trigger warning: porn? And self harm
So my fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years and recently moved in together. I'm trans masc and have been for years but came out fully to everyone about a year and a half ago. I haven't got top surgery yet and haven't started hormone therapy but I want to. It's taken a long time for me to accept that he'll be ok and wants me to get these things for myself because we both like women, but he's been nothing but supportive and reassuring with all of it. We established in the beginning that we have access to each other's phones (my mum cheated on everyone she's ever been with so I'm paranoid and it gives me peace of mind), so we both have fingerprints and the passwords to each other's phones. And before I get into it, I hate porn, it's disgusting and degrading and just gross. And I personally see it as cheating because you're using another person's body to get yourself off even though your partners right there. (And added, we both have spicy pics and vids of each other on our phones). But last night I grabbed his phone and was going through it as a "funny haha, gremlin" type way (he was fine with it and just went back to his game), and I came across one porn thing. I know it's just one, and it's genuinely the only time he's done it, but it was specifically titty porn. My confidence is tanked and I feel like all the progress we've made of me knowing he'll be more than fine if I get surgery is out the window. I even ended up cutting for the first time in months and feel like garbage for it. We established more boundaries and decided I can do more checks if I want. He's genuinely remorseful of what he did and aware of what it did to me and is trying to help in any way possible. We've decided to work on it because he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and he feels the same. I just feel really hurt and betrayed and don't know how to move past this. I feel like he won't want me and will grow to resent that I can't be everything he wants. I feel bad that I can't give him that, but him seeking it hurts me like no other. How do I move past this? I want to grow from it but right now I just feel so hurt and my confidence is completely tanked. We've have a long discussion about it but I still feel hurt. Any advice on how to move past it? Please?
TLDR: partner watched titty porn and I don't know how to get over it