First of all, the word trans masc makes me think of Elon Musk and it's funny
There is literally no point of me existing in the sexual sphere. There is nothing I can afford to a woman that a regular man can't. No matter what I do, I'll just always lose. The thing with "given up" males is that you tell them to establish themselves in live, to get a job/hobby they would love, to fix their hygiene, but I ALREADY HAVE IT. I already have all of it. But no matter how I establish myself, no matter how hard I work, no matter how smooth I talk and who I meet, I will never be able to penetrate a woman and thus will never be satisfied with myself sexually.
And before you say "uhm, actually, all your problems are because you're a tranny, you should be a lesbian and then you'll get sex and women will be into you" I tell you it's BULLSHIT. NOBODY fucking needs you as a top if you don't have a penis. They will always just see me as a worse version of a biological man.
As hard as it is to pass as a MtF at least they can get fucked in the ass and get their desired bottom sexual role. Nobody fucking needs as a top as an FtM. And I know it. But there's nothing I can do about it. Literally everything about my genitals is a disadvantage. At best, it gives me nothing, at worst - it gives me paint. Literally useless. Feels like a wound. Not only that, but my muscles are also will never be as strong as regular man's. And I'll never be as tall. And I'm just trapped in this flesh prison forever. All my body can do is be penetrated which is something I do not want in any way. No, I was not raped, or molested, or anything like that. The idea of being penetrated sound wild to me. Why? If a person like being penetrated - good for them, but I don't understand it. ContraPoints had a video in which she (calm down) drew a parallel between penetrator being a sword and penetrated being a flesh (it was some writer's quote I think). I thought it was interesting. I'm not saying that's how it is, but it makes me think about sex philosophically. I'm not a fan of Contra, but it's something that stuck with me through years.
When I was younger I tried lucid dreaming. But in a way, it made things worse. Because it's even sadder when you see it and then realise it's not real and will never be real. When I was roaming on 2ch (russian 4chan) I stumbled upon tulpa threads and even wanted to "make" one (I was around 14 at that time, so dumb enough). But I don't want one anymore, this shit makes you crazy. I want a pretty much traditional family with house and kids etc. But I don't know if I ever meet a lady who will want me.
And I'm not some kind of incel, it's not women's fault I'm fucked up and they don't owe me sex. Closest thing to an incel I was when I was blackpilled regarding my height, but then I watched Null's video on incels and he sad it's dumb to care about this shit and explained why and it got easier. Still thankfull for this.
I feel like I will always be a spiritual cuck, because my girlfriend will never want me, just tolerate me, because I am, by design, sexually undesirable as a top.
I started lucid dreaming again when I got kinda obsessed with Himeno. Don't do it guys. It will make you even more miserable and sad. Imaginary relationship and sex will never make you happy. And it scares me how many zoomers are into AI chatbots (I haven't tried this shit yet, and honestly I don't want to). You shouldn't live in fantasied, I might be young, but I know that people who live in fantasies never end up well.
No matter how much money I make and how I identify, I will never experience titjob - do you realise the horror of this? No brainer it makes me very sad. Watching porn also makes me sad (and not watching it is imposible for me, because how else am I supposed to release my sexual energy if there's no way for me to do it the way I want?). No brainer it makes me sad. So they prescribed me pills that make me less sad and make me lucid dream more vividly, but taking pills is cheating for pussies. Also, like I said lucid dreams won't get you anywhere.
If I ever get schizopilled and create Himeno tulpa - I'm sorry. I'm just kinda sad she isn't real. Like, imagine how incredible it would be to wake up next her and see her smile and kiss you.
But I'm too sane yet and know she's just an anime character. And I want a real girlfriend, and she doesn't have to be like Himeno, because she already will be the best, because she will be my girlfriend. But alas, my chances of getting one are pretty low, and they will always be low, no matter what I do. The game is rigged from the start.
Wordvomiting keeps me away for drinking, thank you for reading. This is what 0 does to a motherfucker.
If you also feel like me (even partially), no matter who you are - feel free to share you experience in the comments.
- by
nocockatrice
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