NSFW : This is about sex.
So, for context, I'm FTM in my upper 20's and have been married for a couple years.
I have had top, but not bottom surgery.
My wife and I knew each other almost all our lives, so we had very little secrets. When we finally decided to start dating, there were things we learned about one another that we didn't know, but nothing terribly earth-shattering. I was very early on in my transition at the time, so there was some uncertainty regarding what my future would look like, but we were both on board.
While we were dating, we had sex. I used a prosthetic, and it was nice, but I had a lot of anxiety around it because of dysphoria. So it didn't happen often, and when it did, it would just have me feeling bad for poor performance. I want cis-male anatomy, but I know I can't have that, and its a constant upsetting fact. My wife said she didn't care what I was equipped with, and that she loved me for me.
Ultimately, we got married...
We haven't had sex since marriage. 2 years ago. We haven't had any kind of sexual contact. I have a high sex drive from being on T, but also have an immense amount of bottom dysphoria so its hard for me to initiate without being reminded of the part I do not have. She doesn't initiate because she just... doesn't have the drive that I have. I knew this going into our relationship, but
since marriage, she seems entirely asexual.
I mentioned recently that our lack of intimacy bothers me, and that I'm concerned it has to do with me being a trans man (she'd been with a cis man before me). She claims that it has nothing to do with my genitals, and that she didn't 'like' a cis man's genitals, either. She finds all genitals 'gross'. I, again, knew she wasn't very sexual, but
I didn't think she was turned off to the point of not wanting to see or touch me. She said she is fine with just having plain sex with my prosthetic, but I've told her how dysphoric it makes me, and that I'd like to potentially try other things like oral and even just... touching to get more comfortable. But she says she has zero interest in oral or anything besides penetrative sex.
I'm at a loss.
I had no idea she would completely refuse to try anything besides PIV sex. I haven't managed to initiate PIV because I feel unhappy with my body, partially because she has never shown any actual interest in it. Just as some added info, I'm 99% sure she's on the autism spectrum, and struggles with showing or feeling any empathy.
I want to have a sex life with my wife. It's killing me every day that I'm in a relationship with a woman that I love dearly but am so incompatible with regarding sex.
We should have touched more on this subject prior to marriage, and I regret that, but I had assumed it was all due to my own dysphoria at the time. I didn't know how much she had no interest to begin with. Now, I can't stop picturing my future with no kind of sex life at all, and it may sound dramatic, but its making me wildly depressed.
How do I go about this without feeling like I'm pushing the topic of sex on her or seeming pushy to try sexual acts without using my prosthetic? I know I should try to get more comfortable with the prosthetic, but it would feel so affirming to me if we tried other things too and she made me feel more like a man in that way. I can't help but feel like she genuinely only likes cis-male genitals and has either been lying to herself or lying to me about it.
I feel like an absolute piece of shit when I try to bring it up because I know how it feels to be pressured into sex by a man. But we're married, and I'm just... trying to understand. I love her so much. Our lives and families are so intertwined. I would rather suffer with this than end our relationship. But if anyone has any advice, please... share.
I know communication with her is the most important thing when it comes to this issue, but I'm struggling with how to pose the issue at this point without just feeling like an ass.