The *Not* "Deadpool" thread - All theories are made up, in Minecraft, of course.

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Mine is a little more elaborate.
Rozy unattended while Meigh is banging her Mexican stud in a Cenote, crawls upstairs and ingests a xanax off the floor.
Ralph calls Meigh to tell her the baby is blue he thinks she needs to shit, Meigh says Rozy shouldn't be blue.
Ralph tries to shake Rozy awake, he shakes her with vengeance for all the times she shook her rattle and reminded him of Jim.
Pantsu runs back to the concrete and tin shack to find Ralph shaking Rozy's corpse.
They get into an argument and she demands to take Rozy to an uhmerican hospital.
Ralph polishes off an entire blister pack of Xanax to prepare for the ride.
They start fighting in the nissan about the dead baby, Ralph blows his top that his dumb bitch whore wife is trying to big league him and loses focus on the road plowing into a tamale cart killing Meigh instantly and leaving him completely crippled from the neck down.
A social worker brings Evan to Mexico to sort out Ralph's affairs.
When Evan arrives at the hospital, he wraps Ralph's life support cord around the brakes of his wheelchair and as he slowly wheels backwards he tells Ralph "this is for the puppies" right before the cord unplugs from the wall.
Flatline.
 
The alcohol and benzos finally take their toll on his body and he collapses on stream. Ralph is rushed to the hospital and told that his kidneys and liver are failing. He will need dialysis for the foreseeable future and it’s very hot outside.

With his health declining, donos ever shrinking and his cardiovascular system so damaged he can no longer maintain an erection even sober, Ralph decides to end it all.

As he finally adjusts the noose, he is unable to fit it over his head. As he angrily fusses with it, the chair breaks under his weight and he falls backwards. Mid fall he cracks his head on the corner of a desk and dies of a hemorrhage.

The last thing heard will be a final shaft as his bowels evacuate from death.
 
Things are looking bleak, and Ralph's recent antics along with the things he's been saying (not living more than a couple more years, you can't live this "hard" and live long, etc.), it seems like he has decided that there's no point in living long, especially if he has to take care of himself. So I would say the options are (from most to least likely):

Accidental:
  • Heart attack/liver failure/organ failure
  • Overdose (obviously)
  • Wraps the Nissan around a lamppost
  • Mexico's wildlife
Non-accidental:
  • Overdose (intentional)
  • Murder suicide (the way things are going this seems more and more likely just to spite everyone who cares there's an innocent baby involved). He would use a very womanly method, maybe poison or some of the other methods typically used by women
  • Blowing brains out (least likely unless he somehow gets access to a gun soon)
Ralph has a habit of making the worst choice and surprising everyone with his stupidity though, so maybe he'll end up doing something like trying to jump from a (not high enough) balcony and living the rest of his life as a paraplegic or something else completely unexpected.

If he loses his twitter again, for good, then he'll intentionally overdose, same thing if Fuentes kicks him from cozy/powerchat and or starts trash talking him taking away most of his audience.
Either way, if he doesn't slow down and make changes soon, I can't see him lasting more than 1-2 years (although I've always thought Ralph is one of those pieces of shit that manages to live a long life purely fueled by spite).
 
Overdose, not even a contest due to it being the typical trashy way of dying.
 
I'm going to call infection leading to sepsis. Remember, he has a cracked sinus and awful teeth, living in squalor. Once something takes root it's going to spread like wildfire through that fatty mess he calls a head.
 
Overdose is too obvious, the fun but plausible option is death by Meigh. It would be too easy for her to snuff him out in his sleep, intentionally feed him liquor etc, if only she had the balls
 
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This thread is silly. It's either the obvious ,driving under the influence or murdered by random mehicans.
 

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After thoroughly embarrassing Ali Jamal’s father and causing incalculable damage to his reputation and practice, the good doctor will gift the Gunt some fentanyl-laced xaniberries. He’ll go out just like Philip Seymour Hoffman, only it’ll be hilarious instead of sad.
 
Id like to imagine by a heat stroke.
He’ll run out of money to do much of anything, paypigs stop watching, Nick stops boosting his views, Meigh will leave him to go back to America on a flight paid by her father. In a final Xanax fueled act he will get in his car, riding out into the Mexican desert, live-streaming until his phone dies or the car does. Afterwords he’ll wander out into the sun, deliriously looking for that dang ol pedophile josh moon.
Before he dies a vision of Ronnie will appear to him. What Ralph would imagine his father saying to him, I cannot guess. But I can imagine the shocked faces of the poor Mexican children that find his sun bleached whale carcass, which would probably be very funny.
 
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