CAPTAIN SYRUP'S A CRUMBLING MEAT SACK TRYING TO RECLAIM HIS YOUTH FF MARATHON VOL. 4
Final Fantasy IV
GAMEPLAY: I finally replayed IV, which I haven’t one hundred-percented since the
Anthology port. I skipped the DS remake and all the phone slop versions. This time I played the "Namingway Edition" hack, which is basically the Super Famicom version restored: they put all the missing stuff back in and nerfed the enemies slightly. It doubles as a fan translation.
The Japanese version gave some characters extra abilities, which makes the early game less of a bore. Cecil can hit all enemies but loses HP, Tellah can randomly remember spells he never learned, Edward can shotgun potions onto the whole party.
The second half of the game is very repetitive. Attack, jump, cast Bio/Bahamut, heal, repeat. The enemy elemental weaknesses basically vanish.
This rotating party thing is wack. Cecil is the only constant, and even he basically becomes a new person after Mount Ordeals. Cecil as a Paladin is mechanically annoying. He fights like he has arthritis and doesn't start dealing damage until he unlocks all of his best weapons while fighting God on the moon, so thanks for that.
The other character who makes no sense to me is Cid. He looks like a forklift operator who should be destroying everything, but his special move is Scan.
Late-game party members always piss me off: Edge shows up like he’s hot shit, but he’s basically a mall ninja. Kain joins and leaves your party so many times it feels like he’s got BPD. I assume Square tried to apologize for this nonsense by giving him Genji gear the third time.
I remember the first world being a bitch, especially the Tower of Zot, but this time it went smoother. I was surprised at how quickly it rolled credits, though I still got my ass handed to me in the sidequest dungeons where you pick up the Kitchen Knife and Leviathan. Odin’s another terrifying optional fight, but worth it so you can spam him on the Moon.
The final dungeon is just wall-to-wall monster-in-a-box traps. Thank God Rosa has MP for days because I don’t think I’ve ever cast Curaga so many times in my life.
I briefly thought about farming Adamantite.
8/10
STORY: Kain feels like they copied Leon from
Final Fantasy II but tried to make him less of a retard. Same dramatic comeback wearing new armor. Leon’s motivation in II was literally just “
the empire looks strong,” Kain is mad because he got friendzoned. And like Leon, Kain can’t go home at the end because he betrayed everybody like three separate times.
Golbez makes a strong first impression, but his endless fake deaths get old fast. This is also the first game where they really do the fake villain thing. Golbez shows up like he’s the boss, but actually he’s a middle man for Moon Satan. Golbez just shows up in Baron and takes control of the Red Wings, everyone salutes this armored freak. Also, weird detail: I don’t think you ever actually see Golbez flying an airship. Which feels odd, half his scheme revolves around airships. And the crystal thing itself becomes this miserable routine where the party never manages to hold onto one for longer than five minutes before it gets yoinked by Golbez who runs off while laughing like Skeletor.
Zemus is a wrinkled old alien who can possess people, animals, puppets, basically anything with mass, but he can’t escape his own prison. He can possess a doll but not a door handle. The Crystal Palace makes no sense if you think about it. The crystals keep him sealed, but he also needs them to activate the Giant of Babil. Who TF built the giant robot, anyway?
The Tower of Babil itself is another plot hole. Your party falls from the top, like thousands of miles, and land on their feet completely unharmed. Also, there’s this giant chasm connecting the Tower and underworld, but somehow you can’t just fly your airship through it. Cid blows up the other entrance and everyone acts like travel between worlds is impossible now.
The first half of the game actually holds up pretty well: exile, redemption, storming Baron. The Underworld section though feels like they ran out of inspiration. Every dwarf looks identical, the underworld is just two towns.
Yang and Cid get heroic death scenes… only to show up later perfectly fine. Somebody at Square went, “
Hey don’t kill all the old guys, parents buy these games.”
The running joke of Cid constantly beefing with the other old dudes is funny.
6/10
GRAPHICS: FFIV is this super rigid SNES game where everything moves on like it's on a chessboard. And for a console people think is all about Mode 7, it barely uses it. The Moon takes off at the end and that’s it. But joyriding in the airship is lit.
Town design is actually pretty good. Troia Castle is my favorite. Carefree music, frogs vibing. (But Troia’s politics make no sense. It’s a matriarchy, women run diplomacy and warfare, and Edward is just the sperm bank, one assumes.)
Zot and Babil towers still look great. Rounded corners, semi-transparent floors, looks like an advanced alien tech facility. Moon dungeon endgame has this glowing orb in the distance that’s actually a good visual cue for Zemus.
Amano’s boss designs go crazy. Rubicante, Scarmiglione... They sound Sicilian.
Rubicante sends his regards. (Remember "
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE"? That Engrish line goes so hard.)
The menu portraits are kinda ugly. Adult Rydia is especially hideous. (Young Rydia looks the Broadway poster for
Les Mis.) Cecil looks like Gary Glitter in spite form. His official art is cool as fuck, so something went wrong there.
Cid is the best sprite, though.
Edge does this little finger wag when casting spells.
7/10
SOUND: Uematsu's soundtrack is what really carries this game. The battle theme is maybe my favorite
Final Fantasy battle theme ever. The Four Fiends theme is intense. Honestly those are the only two tracks from the Pixel Remaster I’ll go back and listen to.
Best song in the whole game is Tower of Babil. That choir hit is ridiculous. I don’t even mind that it resets after every battle because I get to hear the choir again.
Baron Castle theme is also great. Very imperial, but also vaguely paranoid. Dwarf Castle theme is anarchic and fun. I didn't love the moon theme at first, it’s all tinny and weird, but it grows on you.
The reuse of the Red Wings theme in the Lunar Subterrane is kind of lazy. Zemus’ inner sanctum gets its own rousing theme. It's like a motivational speech after hours of suffering.
9/10