The Cole Smithey Thread

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Modern film reviewers are such bootlicking simps that Cole's contrarian takes sometimes end up being right. He was right about Freddy Got Fingered, which is criminally underrated but has a bad rep because people either got their opinions from Roger Ebert (smart guy but had major blind spots with more experimental films that fell outside what a "proper" example of a genre should be) or even worse, Doug Walker (screeching retard who thinks Animaniacs is the height of comedy) instead of thinking for themselves.
 
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Terrorist said:
Modern film reviewers are such bootlicking simps that Cole's contrarian takes sometimes end up being right. He was right about Freddy Got Fingered, which is criminally underrated but has a bad rep because people either got their opinions from Roger Ebert (smart guy but had major blind spots with more experimental films that fell outside what a "proper" example of a genre should be) or even worse, Doug Walker (screeching retard who thinks Animaniacs is the height of comedy) instead of thinking for themselves.
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I'd take Cole over MovieBob any day of the week.
 
Dick Pooman said:
Not that this takes away from your point, but I would love to listen to a shitfaced Cole talk about how shitty Bob and Barb were.
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He's not going to get shitfaced on those craft beers he drinks. He'll get shitfaced when the dude whose anus he is tonguing literally shits in his face.
 
AlmightyMagichan said:
The only way he can really get any attention would be if he told old tales of the Chandler household. The one thing he absolutely does not want to do.
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Perhaps this is faint praise, but it's to Cole's credit that he's not desperate enough for attention to exploit his association with his half-brother.
 
Andrew Neiman said:
Perhaps this is faint praise, but it's to Cole's credit that he's not desperate enough for attention to exploit his association with his half-brother.
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Why in the honest to god fuck would he try to use his association to CWC for attention? Nigga was smart enough to get out before CWC even became the protocow.
 
Big Meaty Claws said:
Do you blame him? His brother is a mental fucking mess, and his Mom is a huge leech. I feel kinda happy in a way he isn't at all involved with Chris in anyway shape or form.
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He also hasn't acknowledged anything regarding his association with Chris's 10+ year long internet infamy. For someone with Barb's confrontational genes he's smart enough to stay the fuck away from this shitshow.
 
Frank D'arbo said:
Just a reminder Cole was the first person to dislike Lady Bird and ruin its 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
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Cole was also right about Lady Bird being overrated (though not for any reason you or I might think that). Did anyone actually read that review? He did two: One where he called it mediocre, not without its charms, and made some reasonable criticisms:
Although dramatically flat, Greta Gerwig’s coming-of-age directorial debut covers its Mumblecore tracks with jabs of humor and a breeze of earthy authenticity.
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The armpit city of Sacramento will forever be indebted to Greta Gerwig for making it seem like a much better place than it is to live.
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But to be clear, "Lady Bird" is far from a perfect film, it's just not the mumblecore disaster you'd expect from Greta Gerwig — one of the mumblecore movement's prime progenitors. There are dozens of coming-of-age films that far outweigh this lightweight contender.
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"Mumblecore disaster"/"Armpit city" is the perfect way to describe Greta Gerwig's output and Sacramento respectively.

Then the backlash came and he went full Joker Mode in his second review, arguing Lady Bird pedaled covert white supremacist ideology and its 100% rating was a conspiracy of white supremacists. It contained numerous bangers that IMO elevated it past mere attention whoring to the level of kino and nectar:
The buck stops here. If, after reading this article, you think I'm full of shit, I welcome you to watch my Bossa Nova guitar video
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Agnès Varda, the progenitor of the French New Wave, famously said, "I fought for radical cinema all my life." I'm on Varda's side. I too fight for radical cinema.
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Racist, homophobic, lazy, petty, selfish, sociopathic, disloyal, and dishonest, Lady Bird would make an ideal employee for Donald Trump. It might have taken a while for the Karen meme to catch up with Lady Bird, but the cow is in the kitchen now.
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Was protecting "Lady Bird's perfect 100% score on Rottentomatoes" a dog-whistle expression of racist corporate oppression? It sure seems that way... I think I'm beginning to apprehend the social significance of the RT 100% score, and you can damn well bet it's linked to systemic racism, and to white supremacy.
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Cole takes on "Karen-friendly reprobates who call dare to call themselves journalists" (IMO he's right they're a bunch of embarrassing shills and woke hypocrites):
Hunter Harris.. this one is special, Harris called "Lady Bird" "hella tight," and refers to mumblecore survivor Greta Gerwig as "goddess divine," reflecting the current state of criticism at New York Magazine — vomiting all of the time now
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Hey Zack, Here's your posterior anatomy sliced thinly on a cardboard plate. Bon appétit.
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Hey Simon, you were owned before you got owned son.
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Hey Paul, Saroise is no peach. Sorry to pop your balloon. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
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Da Cinematic Alpha
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Standing my ground in the face of a corporate media firestorm aimed at me. I'm still standing.

"Don't you start me talkin' 'cause I'll tell everything I know." — THE NEW YORK DOLLS.
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Cole's take on Lady Bird's internal monologue. Uhhhhh...
I'm here to speak to the manager about the butt plug I ordered! It was dirty! Not that there was dirt on it, oh you know what I mean! Dirty in a way that I don't like!
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That's right Miguel, I am a fucking racist, and "fucking evil."
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So, you know, just be really really snotty 'cause you are the shiznit. Keep your hands on your hips. Supremacy, we need to show supremacy! You go gurl!
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Karen haircut, check. I will now burn a hole through your African American mind with my shitty attitude! See?! Do you see it in my cold blue eyes?!
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Hey Cole...what's going on big guy?
The fact that Lady Bird prefers “dry-humping” to penetration could be a potential deal-breaker for some would-be suitors. "Dry-humping" indeed. Talk about unclear on a concept, chewing gum must take a lot of brain power for Karen.
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You couldn’t exactly call Lady Bird a model student, “bad animal” is more like it.
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He ends with actually not a bad criticism of the film:
It is a movie that fails on the most important level of maintaining empathy with its faux non-conformist protagonist of dubious intent. The film's failings are masked by an obtuse use of music, quick-cutting, and some over-leveraged emotional gesturing between the mother and daughter to play to a viewer’s heartstring as the lasting theme of the movie.
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Birds...cows...Karens...Cole, are you trying to tell us something?
I think I speak for everyone when I say we need a Smithey/Jarbo collab, Cole probably doesn't think the Rock is an actor either.
 
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Terrorist said:
Cole was also right about Lady Bird being an insufferable piece of crap (though not for any reason you or I might think that). Did anyone actually read that review? He did two: One where he called it mediocre, not without its charms, and made some reasonable criticisms:



"Mumblecore disaster"/"Armpit city" is the perfect way to describe Greta Gerwig's output and Sacramento respectively.

Then the backlash came and he went full Joker Mode in his second review, arguing Lady Bird pedaled covert white supremacist ideology and its 100% rating was a conspiracy of white supremacists. It contained numerous bangers that IMO elevated it past mere attention whoring to the level of kino and nectar:




Cole takes on "Karen-friendly reprobates who call dare to call themselves journalists" (IMO he's right they're a bunch of embarrassing shills and woke hypocrites):




Da Cinematic Alpha


Cole's take on Lady Bird's internal monologue. Uhhhhh...




Hey Cole...what's going on big guy?


He ends with actually not a bad criticism of the film:

Birds...cows...Karens...Cole, are you trying to tell us something?
I think I speak for everyone when I say we need a Smithey/Jarbo collab, Cole probably doesn't think the Rock is an actor either.
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I thought the movie was good

Granted, I saw the film as a last minute double feature (disaster artist being the other) with my best friend, he paid for my ticket, and I had no idea what it was about prior. Yeah she was a cunt but its a female coming of age movie, most women are cunts around that time
 
Frank D'arbo said:
I thought the movie was good
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What the fuck did you just fucking say to me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in having a rich wife, and I've been involved in numerous secret Bossa Nova jam sessions, and I have watched over 300 confirmed entries in the Criterion Collection.
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I just checked Cole's YT channel and it doesn't look like he's put out a video in a year. At least I was just looking at the channels under his name. I wondered how he continued to put out videos without the comments section being full of "JULLLLAAAAYYYY" and "Call Barb you motherfucker".
 
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