The Cole Smithey Thread

[A-Stump]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

If a film about Chris was made, would Coleslaw be obligated to review it or pussy out?

 

[Holdek]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I don't like Uwe Boll, I said he's a good director. I can tell that he's technically competent, even though I don't care for his films.

In which case I have to ask you to define technically. Is he technically competent or is he technically competent?

I mean that he's competent in the technical requirements of the filmmaking process, camera operation, sound recording, etc. He can get something presentable in the can, even if it's far from a great work of art.

Actors like Ben Kingsly, Jason Stratham, John Heard, Keith David, J.K. Simmons, Elisabeth Moss, Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, and Burt Reynolds, among others, take roles in his films. He gets financial backing for his films, notwithstanding tax breaks. So, he's doing something right.

 

[Batman]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I don't like Uwe Boll, I said he's a good director. I can tell that he's technically competent, even though I don't care for his films.

In which case I have to ask you to define technically. Is he technically competent or is he technically competent?

I mean that he's competent in the technical requirements of the filmmaking process, camera operation, sound recording, etc. He can get something presentable in the can, even if it's far from a great work of art.

Actors like Ben Kingsly, Jason Stratham, John Heard, Keith David, J.K. Simmons, Elisabeth Moss, Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, and Burt Reynolds, among others, take roles in his films. He gets financial backing for his films, notwithstanding tax breaks. So, he's doing something right.

Eh, I would argue that a lot of those actors are either small time, washed up or desperately needed to pay the bills. Ben Kingsley did Thunderbirds around the same time that he did BloodRayne and we all know how awful that movie was.

We could argue this for a very long time. I'll stipulate that he's a successful failure, with the emphasis on failure.

 

[Holdek]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I mean that he's competent in the technical requirements of the filmmaking process, camera operation, sound recording, etc. He can get something presentable in the can, even if it's far from a great work of art.

Actors like Ben Kingsly, Jason Stratham, John Heard, Keith David, J.K. Simmons, Elisabeth Moss, Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff, Leelee Sobieski, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, and Burt Reynolds, among others, take roles in his films. He gets financial backing for his films, notwithstanding tax breaks. So, he's doing something right.

Eh, I would argue that a lot of those actors are either small time, washed up or desperately needed to pay the bills. Ben Kingsley did Thunderbirds around the same time that he did BloodRayne and we all know how awful that movie was.

We could argue this for a very long time. I'll stipulate that he's a successful failure, with the emphasis on failure.

We could, and it's just academic for me because I don't even like Uwe Boll films, so let's just go back to talking about the World's Smartest Film Critic TM in this thread.

 

[Daario Naharis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

If a film about Chris was made, would Coleslaw be obligated to review it or pussy out?

A good question, but let me answer it with a question of my own.

If he did review it, would he like it or dislike it?

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

If a film about Chris was made, would Coleslaw be obligated to review it or pussy out?

A good question, but let me answer it with a question of my own.

If he did review it, would he like it or dislike it?

Considering any film about Chris would be a niche interest, it probably wouldn't pop up on his radar of critical obligation.

But supposing it did and he went to see it, his reaction would probably depend on how said hypothetical movie handles the extended Chandler family, if it does at all.

 

[Butta Face Lopez]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I dunno, "low budget indie documentary" sounds like it's the exact sort of thing he would like to pretend is right up his alley.

 

[Holdek]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

A critic with ethical standards wouldn't review a film about his brother due to conflict of interest.

However, considering Coleslaw sells the opportunity to buy him craft beer on eBay, he might be a bit flexible.

 

[CatParty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

no one wants to see a movie about chris.

 

[mapdark]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

A film about Chris would be like the next Precious.

I mean both would be about Fat illiterate people living horrible lives with horrible parents.

Although , Precious busted her ass trying to get better . So , we'd need to change some aspect about Chris' life.

 

[CatParty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

No. No changes. The way Chris' life is right now is the perfect tragedy. All we'd need to turn it into a good movie is for something really, really horrible to happen to Chris.

 

[exball]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

No. No changes. The way Chris' life is right now is the perfect tragedy. All we'd need to turn it into a good movie is for something really, really horrible to happen to Chris.

I knew you'd say that.

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

If fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman hadn't shot up and died, he would've been the perfect man to play Chris.

Nah. Oliver Platt can pull it off.

 

[drmccoy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I follow Cole on Twitter and noticed he had like 600 followers. How many of them are solely there because of Chris? Once more, Chris strikes again.

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Too much hair. Also he looks too clean. While Hoffman was certainly better looking than Chris, he had the unwashed actor look and the receding hairline in his favour.

Charleze Theron could do Monster, just took enough make-up...

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I follow Coleslaw on Twitter and noticed he had like 600 followers. How many of them are solely there because of Chris? Once more, Chris strikes again.

It could be random people he followed following back. I followed a few stand ups and eventually they'd start following me. Not to say most aren't from Chris but that's just how twitter is.

 

[Count groudon]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

If fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman hadn't shot up and died, he would've been the perfect man to play Chris.

Nah. Oliver Platt can pull it off.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/ ... 11_a_p.jpg

I think Danny Devito in drag would make a good Chris.

 

[Holdek]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Anyone who's seen Happiness knows Hoffman was perfect to play Chris and that he will be hard to top.

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I'm impressed Cole hasn't made a tweet or update saying Hoffman was terrible and his death is a boon, just to be contrarian.

 

[Tubular Monkey]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I'm impressed Coleslaw hasn't made a tweet or update saying Hoffman was terrible and his death is a boon, just to be contrarian.

There are some things that you simply cannot be a contrarian about if you want to maintain legitimacy within the community of jobless film student grads living with their parents. Cole is Armond White without a scrotum.