The Cole Smithey Thread

[CatParty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

What Hitler did was cabbage compared to Coleslaw!

I can only imagine what kind of A-Logging equivalent to Coleslaw would be.

The closest thing to a-logging and most insulting thing would be if cole were to review himself.

 

[Enjoy your spaghetti]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

A-logging Coleslaw:

This guy buys his own movie tickets to movies he reviews! Isn't that pathetic? He has to pay his own admission! To movies he writes about online!!!

UGH! Anybody that posts eBay auctions to go out on a date with him to drink craft beer needs to get stage five ass cancer! He also gave Toy Story 3 a bad review in needlessly big words! COLE SMITHEY is worse than George W. Bush and Bin Ladin combined! What Dick Cheney did was potatoes compared to Cole!!!

Coleslawing Coleslaw:

The pseudo-urbane behavior Cole Smithey demonstrates in attempt to further estrange himself from his rural Virginia upbringing and ambiguous heritage does little to conceal the Weston blood running through his veins. Sadly, the only one who believes the hype is the one perpetuating it--this self-delusion would be tragic were it not overwhelmingly countered by Smithey's humorous depiction of a bald fifty year old aspiring hipster. Like his more famous younger fraternal connection, he inhabits a fantasy world. Unlike Chris, nobody is interested in his reactions and thoughts.

 

[Butta Face Lopez]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

DIE COLESLAW

I don't know exactly why this made me laugh so hard but it did

 

[deeman]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Does he have a official e-mail adress? I want to know what he thought about What's Eating Gilbert Grape...

 

[CatParty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

No trolling plans

 

[deeman]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

No trolling plans

Are you referring to me? In what way was that a trolling plan?

 

[Watcher]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

No trolling plans

Are you referring to me? In what way was that a trolling plan?

Asking for his contact information can be easily construed as announcing a trolling plan.

 

[deeman]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Asking for his contact information can be easily construed as announcing a trolling plan.

Well, first off, i wanted to be somewhat funny, and second, it wasnt excactly "personal information" but his official reviewing mail, since it seems to be his job, if he wanted payment for it, i would probably give him threefiffty.

 

[brooklynbailiff]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

official reviewing mail

Crazy idea here, I know, but try his official site.

The end.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I'm surprised he gave Saving Mr Banks a good review. I was almost certain he would write it off as glittery corporate revisionism or something corporations suck.

 

[Enjoy your spaghetti]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I'm surprised he gave Saving Mr Banks a good review. I was almost certain he would write it off as glittery corporate revisionism or something corporations suck.

And he gave a bad review to Twelve Years a Slave. Let's just file these under: Calculated Shock. Bless your edgy heart, Coleslaw.

 

[Dark Mirror Hole]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

There’s no humor, no sincerity, and no soul to any of the characters.

This is what he has to say about Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire before giving it a D. Everything about the review says "ooooo i'm sooooo contrarian, let me tell you how vastly overrated the harry potter franchise is BTW hermione sucks".

 

[Marvin]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

There’s no humor, no sincerity, and no soul to any of the characters.

This is what he has to say about Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire before giving it a D. Everything about the review says "ooooo i'm sooooo contrarian, let me tell you how vastly overrated the harry potter franchise is BTW hermione sucks".

Heh, Cole dislikes Harry Potter too? He sure is Chris' brother.

 

[drmccoy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think at this point he's just trying to get wider media attention. He sorta did with Toy Story 3. By giving bad reviews to good movies, he attracts attention as "edgy" and "The Critic".

It makes sense to do this. While it probably won't pay off for Cole, it's certainly not a bad strategy if you are trying to get your name out.

And I hate to say this, no matter how we rationalize it, Cole managed to escape the Hoard, get married and half-ass his dream. Better than Chris ever could.

 

[Judge Holden]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think at this point he's just trying to get wider media attention. He sorta did with Toy Story 3. By giving bad reviews to good movies, he attracts attention as "edgy" and "The Critic".

Giving bad reviews to good movies is not his problem. Giving bad reviews to good movies...or indeed any movies for the most patently shit reasons imaginable is the problem that defines cole as the talentless little hack he is. His "criticisms" of toy story 3 made about as much sense as if he was pontificating about how the room is good because it "highlights the daily struggle of blacks in america". Theres debatable criticism, theres controversial criticism, and theres fucking stupid hack criticism.

Luckily the quota for vaguely famous shitty contrarian critics has been filled by Armond White, as much a worthless charlatan as smithey but slightly less soulcrushingly tedious.

 

[MysticMisty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

There’s no humor, no sincerity, and no soul to any of the characters.

This is what he has to say about Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire before giving it a D. Everything about the review says "ooooo i'm sooooo contrarian, let me tell you how vastly overrated the harry potter franchise is BTW hermione sucks".

I prefer the books over the movies myself, but Cole would probably say the same thing about the books, and not because he was already well into adulthood when they first began to come out. "I'm an adult! This is far beneath me. Only dumb kids will be amused and entertained by these books-OMG this is so dark it's not appropriate for kids!!"

Heh, Coleslaw dislikes Harry Potter too? He sure is Chris' brother.

Did the Harry Potter movies take away the limelight from the more deserving (obscure and likely crap) movies Cole adored at the time?

 

[bradsternum]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think at this point he's just trying to get wider media attention. He sorta did with Toy Story 3. By giving bad reviews to good movies, he attracts attention as "edgy" and "The Critic".

He wants to be the Robert Christgau of film reviews, but he ends up just being a poor man's Armond White. Christagau's music reviews are usually opinionated, disagreeable, but intelligent and backed by a solid point of view. White and Smithey just hipster-out.

 

[MillisecondOfDeath]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Out of all the people in the Chris Saga, Coleslaw annoys me the most. He's the most arrogant out of the bunch. Chris is no doubt an arrogant SOB, but he cant help it. Cole is a prick by choice. Everyone has pointed out exactly what i wanted to say. He's a hipster douche 45+ year old who doesn't have a real job. No one cares who he is, what his opinions are on movies, or be stupid enough to spend $2.50 to have a drink with him, let alone $250.00. If i started a film review blog tomorrow, I'd be just as "successful" as him.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Out of all the people in the Chris Saga, Coleslaw annoys me the most. He's the most arrogant out of the bunch. Chris is no doubt an arrogant SOB, but he cant help it. Coleslaw is a prick by choice. Everyone has pointed out exactly what i wanted to say. He's a hipster douche 45+ year old who doesn't have a real job. No one cares who he is, what his opinions are on movies, or be stupid enough to spend $2.50 to have a drink with him, let alone $250.00. If i started a film review blog tomorrow, I'd be just as "successful" as him.

I have a movie review blog I do in my spare time. I was able to get Twitter faves from the director and producers of Big Ass Spider! for a review I wrote (fun flick BTW). I guarantee this makes me more "in the know" than Cole.

 

[Tubular Monkey]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I have a movie review blog I do in my spare time. I was able to get Twitter faves from the director and producers of Big Ass Spider! for a review I wrote (fun flick BTW). I guarantee this makes me more "in the know" than Coleslaw.

You're not a real reviewer unless you photograph yourself in front of books on Kurosawa and drink the right kinds of beer. If you don't play the part correctly, you'll never earn the respect of ironically conformist anti-establishment types who hate their families and secretly wish people loved them.