The Cole Smithey Thread

[c-no]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Human Sarlaac Pit (or whatever his nickname for Barb is).

I doubt Coleslaw has ever seen any of the Starwars movies though. Too mainstream.

But I was wondering because usually when the genepool gets as wrecked as Barb's (since a majority of the horrible traits that Chris and Coleslaw have seem to be traced back to her) it's pretty much guaranteed that they won't be able to have kids. I imagine that Coleslaw could have a kid, but that kid would end up with a slew of problems like Chris in part due to the Weston genes and because of Coleslaw's age. Chris though...hahahahaha But considering his unending grudge (another Weston trait) of his family, Coleslaw probably decided not to have kids just to spite Bob and Barb out of a grandchild. He's probably also afraid of his potential son rejecting his brand of hipster liberalism and possibly becoming something horrible....like a moderate....or a REPUBLICAN.

Coleslaw Jr. becomes a Republican cur, causing Coleslaw Sr. to disavow his offspring for not being accepting the brand of hipster liberalism. Coleslaw Jr. then becomes the complete opposite of his father, either being like Bob Chandler or actually being a successful reviewer unlike Coleslaw Sr.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

But considering his unending grudge (another Weston trait) of his family, Coleslaw probably decided not to have kids just to spite Bob and Barb out of a grandchild.

As far as we know, neither Bob nor Barb hammered home a want for grandchildren with either Cole or Chris. And if they did, it's also unknown whether they just shrugged off the disappointment or endlessly stewed over it.

 

[c-no]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

But considering his unending grudge (another Weston trait) of his family, Coleslaw probably decided not to have kids just to spite Bob and Barb out of a grandchild.

As far as we know, neither Bob nor Barb hammered home a want for grandchildren with either Coleslaw or Chris. And if they did, it's also unknown whether they just shrugged off the disappointment or endlessly stewed over it.

They would probably shrug it off in disappointment. Chris wouldn't be able to get a wife much less a sweet-heart while Cole would not keep contact with Borb.

 

[Marvin]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

But considering his unending grudge (another Weston trait) of his family, Coleslaw probably decided not to have kids just to spite Bob and Barb out of a grandchild.

As far as we know, neither Bob nor Barb hammered home a want for grandchildren with either Coleslaw or Chris. And if they did, it's also unknown whether they just shrugged off the disappointment or endlessly stewed over it.

Chris was probably enough of a grandchild for them.

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

^He started as a child, then became a grandchild as they entered their twilight years but he remained the same age.

Chris is like the ultimate deconstruction of Peter Pan.

 

[MysticMisty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Human Sarlaac Pit (or whatever his nickname for Barb is).

I doubt Coleslaw has ever seen any of the Starwars movies though. Too mainstream.

He'd probably make it a point to dislike Star Wars in general, but not for a valid reason. He'd do something like obsess over the incest of Luke and Leia, accuse Han of being a would-be rapist since he's already established to be a drug smuggler and a murderer, R2D2 and C-3PO symbolize phallic objects and sexuality in general, Darth Vader is the oppression of black people by white people, Lando shows that black people can never be trusted and will always betray you later according to George Lucas, the Sarlacc is a vagina and Jabba the Hutt is a penis, and the Emperor is gay and wants to rape Luke, who is like a little boy compared to the Emperor thus it's child rape.

And when he is done Cole would sit in his office with the costliest beer he can buy and wonder why nobody takes him seriously or recognize his genius.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

It definitely didn't have the longevity of Harold and Kumar go to Guantanamo Bay.

 

[BALLZ-BROKEN]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Shredded cabbage did do a review of Star Wars:Episode III

A choice quote:

"Popcorn movies have always ruled. Why do people go see them? Why is the public so stupid? That's not my fault." Since George Lucas spoke those inciting words he's gone on to become one of the world's richest directors alongside his cohort Steven Spielberg. It's a cruel irony that Lucas says he wants to make art films along the lines of "Koyaanisqati" now that he's finally finished his career-building monolith. It's sad because it was his, and Spielberg's, '70s era blockbuster "popcorn" movies that obliterated Hollywood's pathway for socially conscious "art films," and left audiences in an abyss of commercially-driven lowest common denominator movies designed to appeal to the inner child in adult audiences. You don't have to repeat the words "sith" or "dooku" very many times to feel your IQ drop like a skydiver plumemting 15,000 feet

You see, Hollywood never made dumb and emotionally exploitative movies before the 70's. It's all Lucas' fault!

And I will admit I am a beer-drinkin' workin' man, but when I hear the phrase "socially conscious art film", I imagine a 30 minute time lapse black and white film of a flower growing, and the narration is someone telling a story in French about a teenage girl getting her first period. Which I will admit, would be better than the Star Wars prequels.

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Shredded cabbage did do a review of Star Wars:Episode III

A choice quote:

"Popcorn movies have always ruled. Why do people go see them? Why is the public so stupid? That's not my fault." Since George Lucas spoke those inciting words he's gone on to become one of the world's richest directors alongside his cohort Steven Spielberg. It's a cruel irony that Lucas says he wants to make art films along the lines of "Koyaanisqati" now that he's finally finished his career-building monolith. It's sad because it was his, and Spielberg's, '70s era blockbuster "popcorn" movies that obliterated Hollywood's pathway for socially conscious "art films," and left audiences in an abyss of commercially-driven lowest common denominator movies designed to appeal to the inner child in adult audiences. You don't have to repeat the words "sith" or "dooku" very many times to feel your IQ drop like a skydiver plumemting 15,000 feet

You see, Hollywood never made dumb and emotionally exploitative movies before the 70's. It's all Lucas' fault!

And I will admit I am a beer-drinkin' workin' man, but when I hear the phrase "socially conscious art film", I imagine a 30 minute time lapse black and white film of a flower growing, and the narration is someone telling a story in French about a teenage girl getting her first period. Which I will admit, would be better than the Star Wars prequels.

The giant monster movie fan in me is fucking dying here. The Lost World from the 20's says hi. The Giant Gila Monster, Them!, Tarantula and 3412 Godzilla sequels also give a hearty wave. Moral is that there have always been cheesy, dumb and trashy movies. They just decide to get a make over ever 10 years.

Also there's the whole "Things like Godzilla, Jurassic Park and T2 revolutionized special effects and genres" argument but that is besides the point.

 

[Descent]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

[youtube]K6fx0gVQLjo[/youtube]
(go to 5:2

I can't confirm that Cole is friends with Eric Wallace (and yes I did google their names together) but I've got this feeling in my bones that they are.

 

[Kamen Rider Black RX]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I have this theory about why Cole hates Toy Story 3. One of the major themes of the franchise was accepting your owner. First movie has Buzz accept he is a toy and submitting to being nothing more. The second has Woody forsaking his longterm survival to continue being Andy's toy. The third has the toys being gifted a new owner, rather than being free. In fact, the movies go out of their way to say there is nothing more important for the toys than their owners happiness, even their own survival.

Cole say this and picked up on it on a subconscious level. It tied into his relationship with Barb. While Cole was able to break free and live his own life, the toys didn't. They are abandoned by their owner and them getting a new owner is presented as the happiest ending possible. It was telling Cole that he should have stayed and looked after her holey buttocks and then settled into caring for Chris.

Or I'm just talking out of my ass. Either or.

 

[Batman VS Tony Danza]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think Cole hated Toy Story 3 just because it was another sequel to a highly profitable franchise. If it has mass appeal and can be marketed like crazy then it must be shallow and corrupting it's main demographic somehow... right?

 

[c-no]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think Coleslaw hated Toy Story 3 just because it was another sequel to a highly profitable franchise. If it has mass appeal and can be marketed like crazy then it must be shallow and corrupting it's main demographic somehow... right?

If the Spongebob Movie had a message of pedophilia, according to Coleslaw, then Toy Story 3 must have some corrupting message like: accept being a tool for others pleasures like the toys to human. Maybe Cole is trying to hard to find some message that isn't really there.

 

[MysticMisty]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think Coleslaw hated Toy Story 3 just because it was another sequel to a highly profitable franchise. If it has mass appeal and can be marketed like crazy then it must be shallow and corrupting it's main demographic somehow... right?

I have a feeling that Cole was determined to hate Toy Story 3 before he even went to the theater. I mean, he fucks up right away in his review by claiming Andy still plays with his toys and his mom threw away the toys on purpose. If he had actually paid attention he wouldn't have stated that, and that was within the first ten minutes.

 

[SoniBlu]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

"Popcorn movies have always ruled. Why do people go see them? Why is the public so stupid? That's not my fault." Since George Lucas spoke those inciting words he's gone on to become one of the world's richest directors alongside his cohort Steven Spielberg. It's a cruel irony that Lucas says he wants to make art films along the lines of "Koyaanisqati" now that he's finally finished his career-building monolith. It's sad because it was his, and Spielberg's, '70s era blockbuster "popcorn" movies that obliterated Hollywood's pathway for socially conscious "art films," and left audiences in an abyss of commercially-driven lowest common denominator movies designed to appeal to the inner child in adult audiences. You don't have to repeat the words "sith" or "dooku" very many times to feel your IQ drop like a skydiver plumemting 15,000 feet

[youtube]2Oy6DwHAi70[/youtube]

 

[Wall of Originals]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I think Coleslaw hated Toy Story 3 just because it was another sequel to a highly profitable franchise. If it has mass appeal and can be marketed like crazy then it must be shallow and corrupting it's main demographic somehow... right?

If the Spongebob Movie had a message of pedophilia, according to Coleslaw, then Toy Story 3 must have some corrupting message like: accept being a tool for others pleasures like the toys to human. Maybe Coleslaw is trying to hard to find some message that isn't really there.

There is ALWAYS somebody who wants to twist movies into their own viewpoint. I went to a high school with plenty of them, even dating one. I'm glad Cole is brave enough to take on the mantel of "Edgy Movie Reviewer."

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

What stuck out to me about Cole's review of Toy Story 3 was him talking about how Andy came off as a loser for getting sentimental about his toys in the end. Did I miss the part where it was implied that Andy was cool to begin with? He isn't developed enough for it to matter in the first place. Just because he wants to forget his childhood doesn't mean everyone does.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

So...what was Cole expecting to happen when he responded to Chris's fated e-mail so long ago?

True, Cole was largely absent from Chris's life, but was likely perceptive enough to realize that things were not entirely right with Chris: the odd spoken and written voice, the childish interests, the obstinance, you name it. So was Cole expecting an honest full-fledged effort on Chris's part to ask Barb about his parentage, or did he just use his correspondence with Chris as a stress ball?

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Either a stressball, or cole really didn't know how autistic he is.

 

[Uzumaki]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

So...what was Coleslaw expecting to happen when he responded to Chris's fated e-mail so long ago?

True, Coleslaw was largely absent from Chris's life, but was likely perceptive enough to realize that things were not entirely right with Chris: the odd spoken and written voice, the childish interests, the obstinance, you name it. So was Coleslaw expecting an honest full-fledged effort on Chris's part to ask Barb about his parentage, or did he just use his correspondence with Chris as a stress ball?

You can know that the boy ain't right without necessarily understanding that he's incapable of even the simplest tasks or of showing a modicum of empathy for a family member. It's not like Cole was around for Chris's (ongoing) childhood.