The Cole Smithey Thread

[Bugaboo]

If she beat Cole, why didn't she beat Chris?

There's nearly a twenty-year difference between Cole and Chris, during which, in that time and place, I'm guessing parental ass-whupping and bizarre scenarios became the H-bomb of disciplinary measures.

Or because they think Chris is a retard and feel bad because they made him

 

[Henry Bemis]

If she beat Cole, why didn't she beat Chris?

There's nearly a twenty-year difference between Cole and Chris, during which, in that time and place, I'm guessing parental ass-whupping and bizarre scenarios became the H-bomb of disciplinary measures.

Or because they think Chris is a exceptional individual and feel bad because they made him

Well, Chris is an exceptional individual in that he's easy to pull out and use to try and get easy sympathy points/get people off your back, and whuppin' him wouldn't really help on that front.

 

[Hyperion]

Hold on now, we don't have any proof that Bob tolerated physical abuse of Chris. Barb undoubtedly had to turn her rage elsewhere, maybe this is why she hoards shit.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Todd in the Shadows just put up a blog post blasting commentator/Cole's BFF Ted Rall for his thoughts on Roger Ebert's passing. There's this nugget which sums up Ted (and Cole) rather well:

Basically, Ted Rall has unwittingly exposed himself as the very worst kind of film critic: the kind that judges a movie entirely on the basis of whether it supports the sociopolitical ideals he has deemed acceptable. Take my word for it, these people are just the most awful, the very most tedious critics to read. (The fact that Rall’s particular criteria for movies are so narrow and ridiculous is just icing on the cake; apparently it is Bad and Wrong to show an American, any American, doing unambiguously good things like ending slavery or fighting Nazis, because the idea that Americans can be good is a “toxic narrative” that must never be depicted. Seriously, what a dickhead. Also, Lincoln and Saving Private Ryan, despite their patriotic themes, are both films about painful moral compromise, meaning that on top of being an ass with ludicrous standards, Ted Rall is also for shit at analyzing movies.)

A critic’s personal values will always affect the way they watch and judge movies. But it’s not the be-all end-all of judgment. Deciding that something is racist or anti-feminist or what-have-you isn’t the endpoint of the conversation, it’s the start of it. The problem with only liking films which support the ideas you like, the ones that propagate the beliefs and attitudes you think would make the world a better place, is that you actively cut yourself off from having those ideals challenged. Letting your sense of politics define your sense of aesthetics – even for beliefs as basic and uncontroversial as “racism is bad” – isn’t just a horribly narrow way to watch movies, it’s disingenuous and dishonest.

 

[Holdek]

Todd in the Shadows just put up a blog post blasting commentator/Cole's BFF Ted Rall for his thoughts on Roger Ebert's passing. There's this nugget which sums up Ted (and Cole) rather well:

Basically, Ted Rall has unwittingly exposed himself as the very worst kind of film critic: the kind that judges a movie entirely on the basis of whether it supports the sociopolitical ideals he has deemed acceptable. Take my word for it, these people are just the most awful, the very most tedious critics to read. (The fact that Rall’s particular criteria for movies are so narrow and ridiculous is just icing on the cake; apparently it is Bad and Wrong to show an American, any American, doing unambiguously good things like ending slavery or fighting Nazis, because the idea that Americans can be good is a “toxic narrative” that must never be depicted. Seriously, what a dickhead. Also, Lincoln and Saving Private Ryan, despite their patriotic themes, are both films about painful moral compromise, meaning that on top of being an ass with ludicrous standards, Ted Rall is also for shit at analyzing movies.)

A critic’s personal values will always affect the way they watch and judge movies. But it’s not the be-all end-all of judgment. Deciding that something is racist or anti-feminist or what-have-you isn’t the endpoint of the conversation, it’s the start of it. The problem with only liking films which support the ideas you like, the ones that propagate the beliefs and attitudes you think would make the world a better place, is that you actively cut yourself off from having those ideals challenged. Letting your sense of politics define your sense of aesthetics – even for beliefs as basic and uncontroversial as “racism is bad” – isn’t just a horribly narrow way to watch movies, it’s disingenuous and dishonest.

This kind of criticism is very applicable to "film critics" like Michael Medved. Rall is a piece of shit for a variety of reasons, but at least he butters his bread making cartoons and not publishing movie reviews.

 

[reldnahcABI]

Military strategists agree that the two day battle called "D-Day" was a huge mistake.

The only way this could work is if it was in a chapter called And Other Things I've Pulled Out of My Ass.

It sort of was though. The entire invasion was a botched comedy of errors on both their parts considering the Nazis assumed that it was a "fake" invasion and the weather completely destroyed a lot of the advantage dropping airborne had.

I don't think anyone including the generals at the time would have said that invading a fortified position from the sea was strategically smart but all the controversy is about whether or not it was necessary (they could have tried digging their way though Italy or just waited until the Russian advance would force the Nazis to abandon the western front)

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I'm bored, so Imma resurrect this thread by dissecting a Smithey review. This one, for one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera.

Spoiler

Fans of musical theater will work themselves into a lather over Joel Schumacher's by-the-book film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's monotonous play, but most audiences will either fall asleep or hit the cinema doors running. There is nothing imaginative in the film's musical arrangements or visual style to deliver the screechy play from its corny trappings. The vocally talented but behavior-challenged Emmy Rossum is oh-so precious as Christine Daae, the lowly chorus girl elevated to leading lady status in the opera's productions by the mysterious hand of her private music coach -- the theater's live-in Phantom (Gerard Butler). Minnie Driver does an over-the-top Italian accent as opera diva Carlotta. Miranda Richardson adds a singular shred of realism to the otherwise tedious drone of Webber's insufferable music.

There's no question that the demand on Joel Schumacher to render an exact adaptation of Webber's Broadway play doomed the film before shooting began. Had that not been a prerequisite, Schumacher could have taken one of two paths that would have brought about an intriguing interpretation of what can only be viewed as flawed source material at best.

Both methods would have called for Andrew Lloyd Webber's cringe-inducing musical score to be reharmonized by a modern-thinking composer along the lines of someone like Bill Frisell. As they are, Weber's '80s-era arrangments rely on a bombastic use of drum machines that negate any hoped-for atmosphere of horror, which the original story of "The Phantom Of The Opera" clearly demands. Apart from tossing out the half dozen songs that stall the story, the revised arrangments would either emphasize the story's camp aspects (think "Rocky Horror Picture Show") or adjust the dynamics of the pieces to emphasize a foreboding angularity in the music (think "The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari"). Either of these approaches would have given audiences a unique experience instead of the incredibly boring encounter they must suffer here.

"The Phantom Of The Opera" is a horror story written by Gaston Leroux in 1911. Andrew Lloyd Webber's attempt to convert it into a cotton candy musical romance is a conspicuous disaster that New Yorkers typically snigger at whenever the musical is brought up in conversation. To breathe fire into a film adaptation of Webber's travesty you would need a visionary director like David Lynch or Guy Maddin ("The Saddest Music In The World") to plunge the story into its darkest depths and utilize its music as narrative support.

The most galling thing about Schumacher's relentlessly crappy movie is that audiences who loved Baz Luhrmann's soapy "Moulin Rouge" will likely fall for its glittery set design. It's full of things like lit candelabras surfacing from beneath the Phantom's watery moat in his lair. Schumacher introduces the event as a coded piece of business rather than with a flourish for the magic trick that it is. The director is so intent on reliving the Broadway play, and getting on to the next song, that the audience gets inundated with Webber's artificiality. There are endless squiggles of blind romance bereft of any real lust.

As an audience member, you just need to know which school of musical film appreciation you fall into. Personally, I think "The Band Wagon," "West Side Story" and "Cabaret" are the best films of the problematic genre. I enjoyed Rob Marshall's "Chicago" ("2002"). However, I classify "The Phantom Of The Opera" as a horror story that belongs alongside "Frankenstein" and "The Creature Form The Black Lagoon." Hopefully, some clever director will eventually rediscover the story that Gaston Leroux intended - a gothic tale of physical anguish and temperamental artistic ambition.
Rated PG. 123 mins. (D+) (One Star)

NOTES

-Cole Smithey would like to be taken seriously as a critic. Serious critics think Andrew Lloyd Webber is a talentless and irredeemable hack. Therefore, Cole makes at least six references to said opinion.
-Emmy Rossum is a good raw vocal talent, at best (and if you're feeling generous). So, apparently, Cole doesn't have much of an ear for music either.
-Gaston Leroux's The Phantom of the Opera is less horror and more mystery, so you end up sounding like an ass when you use a phrase like "as the author intended."
-Yes, Cole, we get that New Yorkers are awesome and have good taste.
-The name-dropping. Good God, the name-dropping.
-"Utilize its music for narrative support?" That's what the music is doing. That's what happens with music in a musical. (And if you don't think ALW knows musical narrative, here's a pretty well-reasoned analysis of the piece.)

 

[LordCustos3]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Of all the professions that might attract someone with pretensions of hipness, why a film critic?

Being a music critic requires knowing at least something about music theory and acoustics.

Being a film critic requires....having eyes.

The only film critic that ever impressed me was the guy who did capsule reviews for the local paper....for a month...before he got fired for stuff like this:

King Kong. In this film Naomi Watts is terrorized by a huge, hairy monster. But enough about Peter Jackson. Apparently there is also a huge monkey in this movie, too.

 

[bradsternum]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Smithy isn't even a New Yorker (hell, most New Yorkers aren't actually New Yorkers, we're all transplants.) No matter what Smithy does, he will never be able to erase the scent of pig shit fused to his DNA. He can dress himself up in a suit, become an aficionado of jazz, smoke good cigars, drink expensive, craft beer, and talk about Gaston Leroux like he's actually read anything by him, but he'll still always be Barbara Chandler's son.

As for the whole Webber thing, critics don't like him for the same reason they loathe Stephen King: the self-proclaimed intellectual elite don't like things that the "common man" can appreciate without a useless master's degree.

 

[LordCustos3]

WARNING: Comic Book Nerd SPERGING ahead.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Lou Ferrigno of the Hulk television series from thirty years ago still looks better than what state-of-the-art CGI can deliver in 2012.

Wow.....out of all the dumb, clueless, retrograde, vapid, insipid, ignorant things Coleslaw has said....that is the dumbest....out a very strong field of contenders.

(picture that doesn't look enough like the Hulk.)
(picture that actually DOES look like the Hulk.)
"Smartest Film Critic in the World" my ass.

Apparently, he never sussed that the comic book character looks like THIS:

CG is the ONLY way to make him look like he's supposed to.
Some artists draw hulk as being WIDER than he is TALL.
He's so massive his foot is bigger than that guys TORSO....and you had to scroll down to even see that.

(EDIT: I just checked his Facebook, and this was under his profile pic:

Coleslaw Smithey's Movie Week is the unpretentious movie review show for smart people.

Unilaterally declaring yourself to be smart is a sign of being pretentious, you airheaded dolt.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Of all the professions that might attract someone with pretensions of hipness, why a film critic?

Being a music critic requires knowing at least something about music theory and acoustics.

Being a film critic requires....having eyes.

I think another aspect of being a critic is to be able to deflate your supposed position as an arbiter of taste, or otherwise have a sense of humor.

This...

Coleslaw Smithey's Movie Week is the unpretentious movie review show for smart people.

and this...

Gatsby’s affectation of calling men “old sport” turns into a drinking game made worse by DiCaprio’s bizarre enunciation, which turns the phrase into “old spore.” As humorous as it might sound to hear Gatsby repetitively refer to acquaintances as some form of ancient bacterium, the joke misfires disastrously.

are not examples of good humor*. He is, in fact, Taking It All Too Seriously. Considering he's invested so much time and effort (for lack of a better word) into being a critic with little results beyond what he garners by being contrary, I wouldn't have expected any different.

*(You can practically feel the strain for highbrow humor in the latter example; and the former isn't particularly original itself: humorous redundancy is a well-known trope, one that is very hard to pull off.)

 

[LordCustos3]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Too true, too true, Mr. Bemis.

Anyhow. I say one of his most irksome traits is how -- despite his knowledge being shallower than a spoon (with the bowl facing downward) -- he still speaks in the pompous rhetoric of someone approaching an arcane, obscurantist fringe act. Y'know, like us peasant aren't going to know something this hip.

Truly he is the Hipster Douche that even other Hipsters Douches see as 30 years behind the curve.
He's so square, he's a hypercube.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Anyhow. I say one of his most irksome traits is how -- despite his knowledge being shallower than a spoon (with the bowl facing downward) -- he still speaks in the pompous rhetoric of someone approaching an arcane, obscurantist fringe act. Y'know, like us peasant aren't going to know something this hip...
He's so square, he's a hypercube.

That's the other part of my 58,076-part thesis on why Cole isn't a good critic: his defensive nature.

Compare Cole to someone like Roger Ebert. The reason Ebert's negative reviews are as infamous as they are is because he went to movies with an open-to-neutral mind. I mean, to get a project filmed and released, much less green-lit, is a miracle in and of itself; so clearly, the filmmakers are doing something right. That such an intricately collaborative art form could produce something as heinous as, say, North legitimately scandalized him.

Cole, on the other hand, is not as open-minded. Given his less-than-ideal upbringing, he is probably not as receptive to people or things if he can't immediately file it into a good camp (ex. his wife and her family) or bad (ex. Barb 'n' Jerry or Bob). Also, because of said early life, he is not about to do anything he thinks will damage his connections to his immediate circle. (Again, I ask: Is Cole really a hipster, or were hipsters just the first people to be nice to him?) Hence, he plays it safe (or what he thinks is safe). Read: lotsa big words but little opinion other than "corporations, man" or "non-city people are dumb-butts."

I also think it wasn't such a hot idea to move to a city as fast as he did. To go from Ruckersville to San Diego to New York is a huge shift in tempo, one that he's apparently never fully adjusted to. Like bradsternum said, the slow, pokey life of his childhood left its mark, and Cole is trying his best to overcompensate for it. Think of his most infamous negative reviews, then, as akin to a guy on a treadmill who's gone from 'slow' to the fastest setting; those reviews are the barely-contained wheezes of the guy making sure that everyone around him knows that he's still alive.

TL;DR: Cole's not a good critic because he's defensive because he's still trying to prove something to his upbringers.

 

[Pikonic]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

I'll keep this short.
My problem with Cole is he's trying way too hard to be the cool kid. This might have to do with his…less than progressive hipster upbringing in the south. I find his essays pseudo intellectual and boring. He's just bullshits up a few pages with an opinion that goes against the grain to look smarter and more edgey than his readers.

 

[bradsternum]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Of all those books, he's probably only really read One-Hundred Sex Scenes.

 

[ChurchOfGodBear]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Hey Cole! The camera's over HERE!

 

[bradsternum]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

What wonders do those twin pools of darkness behold? The mysteries of the human condition? The fathomless cruelty inherent in the human soul? The fevered contempt the corporate powers have for truth, art, and beauty?


Or is it "how totally dark and brilliant do I look in this pic? I'm gonna get mad chicks." It's like a promotional image for his Acceptance Quest.

 

[pickleniggo]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

Gatsby’s affectation of calling men “old sport” turns into a drinking game made worse by DiCaprio’s bizarre enunciation, which turns the phrase into “old spore.” As humorous as it might sound to hear Gatsby repetitively refer to acquaintances as some form of ancient bacterium, the joke misfires disastrously.

Another example of Cole having a Barb flashback in the middle of a review.

 

[Henry Bemis]

Re: The Coleslaw Smithey Thread

What wonders do those twin pools of darkness behold? The mysteries of the human condition? The fathomless cruelty inherent in the human soul? The fevered contempt the corporate powers have for truth, art, and beauty?

Or is it "how totally dark and brilliant do I look in this pic? I'm gonna get mad chicks." It's like a promotional image for his Acceptance Quest.

It doesn't matter what the eyes hold; that the picture is in black and white makes it deep enough.