Star Wars Griefing Thread (SPOILERS) - Safety off

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I'm going to go see this Friday night. I didn't think TFA was a bad film even if it was derivative of the ANH, mainly because it's goal was to establish Star Wars to a new audience. I want to give this movie the benefit of the doubt, I feel I at least owe the franchise that much. And depending on how I feel, I'll either finally get around to picking up TFA for my video collection or I'll buck and buy the prequels.
 
SPOILERS ahoy in a rambling format.
The film's about everyone fucking up, and has a generally cynical tone. Finn, Poe and Chink cause the destruction of pretty much the entire rebellion with their fuckuppery. Snoke fucks up and gets killed in a hilarious anticlimax. Hux and Kylo are completely ineffective leaders, and win only because the good guys are even less competent.

Luke is a bitter old bastard and hates everything, especially Rey (or Ray, what's her name). He thought about murdering Ben Solo, and caused him to become Kylo. Rey seems a bit of a dumbass and achieves nothing. Finn tries to do a Independence Day style suicide run but even that fails. Ackbar dies.

There's a couple of space battles, both sides lose pretty much everything. Then there's a Hoth ripoff battle at the end, at a salt flat. The rebels get blown up and the empire suffers no casualties whatsoever. The fans will also be salty.

There's a retarded casino sequence of prequel-level cringyness, and some other awful scenes. As a bonus Chewie kills a couple of those annoying bird creatures (porgs?) and fries them on a fire.

tldr; beaner, nigger and chink combine their forces to completely ruin white woman's chance of winning, and destroy their own side at the same time. It's like the 2016 elections.

So 8/10 needs more salt.
 
Tranhuviya said:
During the Jedi training scenes on achto about 30 minutes in:

Luke: "so I see you've made some new friends Rey"
It shows Rey with a couple porgs and a goofy smile.
Rey: I felt them call to me through the force
Luke: it's true. The porgs are pure beings of the force, that's why I came to this place. The porgs tender meat holds the key to a power only Jedi masters can harness.

He grabs a porg from Rey and bites it's neck, blood sprays into his mouth and he gets a wild look in his eyes.

Luke: yes, the power! I can feel the force growing inside me, and inside my pants the force is growing!

The bulge is massive and throbbing. Rey wastes no time derobing, showing Luke the wetness dripping down her legs and mixing on the floor of the hut with porg blood.

Rey: now show me the power of a Jedi master, as we partake in the ancient ritual of the porg blood orgy!

Luke: hey r2, help me out with this sluts loose poon, will ya?
R2d2: beep boop (a flap opens up and a pulsating dildo emerges from r2.

A familiar voice emerges from the force, it's han "great job kid now let's blow this thing and go home"

Luke: aaaaaaahhhhh the pleasure! I'm blasting your inner wet walls with my jaws juice!

Rey: thank you, my master. The ritual is complete. Now I am the Almighty Mary sue! All white males must commit suicide in my honor!

Luke: as you wish, my vaginal god

Luke ignites his green saber and slices off his dick and balls and then stabs himself in the chest.
Click to expand...
The sad part is that this is probably better than the entire movie
 
So Rey being abandoned by her parents basically makes her the Star Wars version of Joe Dirt :story:
 
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So if Rey isn't Luke's daughter but just some random space hillbilly how does she have a better mastery of the force than Luke or Obi Wan and can beat a Sith lord in single combat despite having no training whatsoever?

This is not how character development works.
 
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Ruin said:
So if Rey isn't Luke's daughter but just some random space hillbilly how does she have a better mastery of the force than Luke or Obi Wan and can beat a Sith lord in single combat despite having no training whatsoever?
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But you don't understand, she's not a Mary Sue because all the feminists who make my opinions for me tell me so!
 
Tranhuviya said:
But you don't understand, she's not a Mary Sue because all the feminists who make my opinions for me tell me so!
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So that's it? No explanation other than muh vagina power? At least Peter Quill's god powers were done in a funny way and he lost them in the end.
 
Ruin said:
So if Rey isn't Luke's daughter but just some random space hillbilly how does she have a better mastery of the force than Luke or Obi Wan and can beat a Sith lord in single combat despite having no training whatsoever?
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Kylo Ren isn't a Sith Lord. He's a half-trained Sith wannabe who had been shot not too long ago with something that could send people flying.
 
Ruin said:
So if Rey isn't Luke's daughter but just some random space hillbilly how does she have a better mastery of the force than Luke or Obi Wan and can beat a Sith lord in single combat despite having no training whatsoever?
Click to expand...
Also keep in mind she was knocked out brief after getting pushed by the Force into a tree and at an angle, which caused her to fall several feet. But she suffered no injuries unlike Finn who got his back sliced by Kylo's saber.
 
Upon reflection, I can't help but Disney ultimately wants to reset Star Wars with a new, diverse cast they can continue to promote rather than relying on the old favorites (minus the ones that are just suits like Chewie or the droids). They want to go back to a small resistance fighting the Empire with no other Jedi than the protagonist. The story doesn't progress, it regresses back to a state where it was most popular with the public.

That's what the whole passing of the torch seems like to me, forcibly retiring the old cast while returning the timeline rather than a ill-advised reboot. And when you consider when Rogue One and Rebels take place, you get the impression Disney isn't looking to advance things further. You can at least say for all their problems the Prequels tried to expand upon the universe whereas Disney has it's designated safe space it wants to stay in.
 
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While I'm still looking forward to the movie, one of my absolute least favorite aspects of the Sequel Trilogy is the Resistance. With the First Order, they're an Imperial remnant trying to emulate the Empire and restore its dominance, which by itself would be a novel concept if they were going up against a capable faction like the New Republic.

But they're not, the Republic gets blown the fuck up and pushed to the side in favor of some cheap Chinese knockoff of the Rebel Alliance. They have the exact same logo and use slightly more advanced X-Wings and A-Wings (because fuck new designs), but they're way smaller than the Rebels and more incompetent to the point that they're apparently decimated at the end of the movie. How is anyone supposed to take them seriously as an opponent to the First Order?

The only reason they exist is so that the ST can ape the Galactic Civil War from the Original Trilogy.
 
Vault Boy said:
While I'm still looking forward to the movie, one of my absolute least favorite aspects of the Sequel Trilogy is the Resistance. With the First Order, they're an Imperial remnant trying to emulate the Empire and restore its dominance, which by itself would be a novel concept if they were going up against a capable faction like the New Republic.

But they're not, the Republic gets blown the fuck up and pushed to the side in favor of some cheap Chinese knockoff of the Rebel Alliance. They have the exact same logo and use slightly more advanced X-Wings and A-Wings (because fuck new designs), but they're way smaller than the Rebels and more incompetent to the point that they're apparently decimated at the end of the movie. How is anyone supposed to take them seriously as an opponent to the First Order?

The only reason they exist is so that the ST can ape the Galactic Civil War from the Original Trilogy.
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That's what annoys me the most with the new trilogy. Why can't we have the New Republic taking on this new threat like with the old canon? Talk about being a rehash.

I'll still be seeing the movie too. Not only have I been planning on seeing this movie for a while, but I'd rather watch an abysmal film than have to hear about the FCC's decision of NN for the rest of the day.
 
Kamen Rider Black RX said:
Upon reflection, I can't help but Disney ultimately wants to reset Star Wars with a new, diverse cast they can continue to promote rather than relying on the old favorites (minus the ones that are just suits like Chewie or the droids).
Click to expand...

That's what I think, too, they wanna establish their versions of these movies as "the definitive " versions, and look how people easily buy that. They did the same thing with Spider-Man Homecoming "the MCU's Spidey is the best Spidey ever cause he's funny and it's diverse!", and I fear they're gonna do the same thing with the X-Men, once they get their hands on them.
 
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It looks like pandering commercialized trash that's watered down to the lowest common denominator. Naturally the critics will love it and it will make millions.
 
The movie was nicer than what the initial spoilers make it out to be. But I'm still annoyed by a few things, like Rey Random and Snoke being diagnosed with DEAD. I'm also wondering how they're gonna end the trilogy; the Resistance is pretty much fucked and the only real villain left is Ren.

Oh well, better than moaning about Net Neutrality.
 
ASoulMan said:
The movie was nicer than what the initial spoilers make it out to be. But I'm still annoyed by a few things, like Rey Random and Snoke being diagnosed with DEAD. I'm also wondering how they're gonna end the trilogy; the Resistance is pretty much fucked and the only real villain left is Ren.

Oh well, better than moaning about Net Neutrality.
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JJ Abrams could do some retcons to try to undo some of the damage, like having Snoke be revived and wanting revenge or having Kylo lie to Rey about her parents to fuck with her. Might be seen as damage control, but these changes are easy enough to make and could be plausible enough to work within the movie.

As for the Resistance, just have a timeskip of about 10 years and say that they've been rebuilding their strength.
 
Vault Boy said:
JJ Abrams could do some retcons to try to undo some of the damage, like having Snoke be revived and wanting revenge or having Kylo lie to Rey about her parents to fuck with her. Might be seen as damage control, but these changes are easy enough to make and could be plausible enough to work within the movie.

As for the Resistance, just have a timeskip of about 10 years and say that they've been rebuilding their strength.
Click to expand...

Speaking of timeskips, they should have had one for this movie and TFA. The entire plot for the ST so far has taken place over the course of A FEW DAYS. That should say a lot about the pacing.
 
Ruin said:
So if Rey isn't Luke's daughter but just some random space hillbilly how does she have a better mastery of the force than Luke or Obi Wan and can beat a Sith lord in single combat despite having no training whatsoever?

This is not how character development works.
Click to expand...

This was actually really cool. If she had been a Skywalker I would have killed myself. I couldn't take another one. Why is everyone mad about that? The only powerful force users coming from one family was the worst.

Anyway, saw it tonight. It was kind of shit but didn't do the things I feared. 5/10 Phantom Menace remains the best Star Wars movie. Anything's better than the Original Trilogy.
 
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