I’m 33. My life is a complete nightmare. I have 2 friends and that’s all I ever had. I wasted the past 15 years living alone, playing videogames, smoking weed, and going to concerts alone. I dropped out of university even though i’m super smart (got 800 on my verbal SATs and went to college at 16). I have no romantic relationships - i’ve had tons of people interested in me in the past but I screwed it up with all of them by being emotionally unavailable and terrible at sex. I was a creep and an asshole for most of my life. Last year I started screaming uncontrollably and ended up in a mental institution for 3 months. I got electroshock therapy, which stopped the screaming for a bit but it’s coming back. I live in a sharehouse with a racist 9/11 truther and I spend all day in bed surfing the Internet. I’m on welfare, which doesn’t pay much. I’m not qualified for any job but data entry. I have nothing in common with other people- I don’t watch sports or Game of Thrones. I used to be obsessed with bad movie websites, surfing the Internet, old music, and the same 2 obscure bands. I’ve tried going to bad movie Meetups but I find I can’t talk to people anymore. I can’t make eye contact or smile, and I breathe through my mouth. I can’t drive (take public transport everywhere), cook (used to eat out for every meal, now I get microwave meals), or swim (and I live in Australia, with tons of beachs). I’m seeing therapists and i’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s, depression and anxiety. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this hole and I feel like I don’t deserve to because of bad things i’ve done in the past. The only reason I don’t kill myself is because i’m pathologically afraid of death (which landed me in the mental hospital as well).
