Polyamory General - Polyamory drama from Facebook, Reddit, and more

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iafiv said:
Maybe she's really bad in bed?Or so nagging he can't get anything done?🤔
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Typically it's an issue of patience, understanding, and timing.

Realistically it's the guy's fault because there's nothing inherently wrong with watching porn and rubbing one out every so often when you're in a relationship. Once or twice a week, when your wife has to work late/go out with friends/travel out of state/has a headahce/whatever, won't destroy your relationship. Getting "addicted" to porn means you're likely going 4+ times a week, sometimes even multiple times per day, which will hurt your sex drive and desire with your partner.

Watching a lot of porn can also lead to some abnormal/extreme sexual habiats, which his wife may not be down for.

There's also the issue of him claiming to know his wife is "cheating", but doesn't say why or how he knows - which usually means stalking/snooping. Another really big red flag in a relationship.
 
Tanner Glass said:
Realistically it's the guy's fault because there's nothing inherently wrong with watching porn and rubbing one out every so often when you're in a relationship. Once or twice a week, when your wife has to work late/go out with friends/travel out of state/has a headahce/whatever, won't destroy your relationship. Getting "addicted" to porn means you're likely going 4+ times a week, sometimes even multiple times per day, which will hurt your sex drive and desire with your partner.
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I wouldn't be shocked if it became a self-perpetuating problem at one point but it still rests heavily on the man's shoulders for not being willing to put a pause in masturbating. As is usual a lot of this crap would be less pressing if they'd just talk and put some effort into changing things.

Nah clearly it's just 'easier' to let someone else fuck your partner.
 
iafiv said:
Maybe she's really bad in bed?Or so nagging he can't get anything done?🤔
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He said she had a much lower libido to him after one of her kids were born and then he became addicted to porn resulting in this mess of a relationship. He said he's working on himself and his marriage now:

r/DeadBedrooms - Self reflection saved my marriage

270 votes and 108 comments so far on Reddit
www.reddit.com www.reddit.com

Hopefully he also gets his wife to close the relationship too but I doubt that's going to happen because once that pandora's box has been open there's no way to close it again usually.
 
Buer said:
He said she had a much lower libido to him after one of her kids were born and then he became addicted to porn resulting in this mess of a relationship. He said he's working on himself and his marriage now:

r/DeadBedrooms - Self reflection saved my marriage

270 votes and 108 comments so far on Reddit
www.reddit.com www.reddit.com

Hopefully he also gets his wife to close the relationship too but I doubt that's going to happen because once that pandora's box has been open there's no way to close it again usually.
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It looks like you grabbed the wrong guy there (unless he stated that was his account?).

The thread you linked was frum u/Dantastic_ where the OP from the other thread (u/Forward-Different) commented in.

Looking at the OP (u/Forward-Different) we can find the following breadcrumbs showing how this relationship was marked for success early on.

Arguably, I was obsessed with romance from a young age, and also managed to find similarly nerdy girls to hang out with (I met my wife while raiding in WoW for example), but the idea of not investing in something I wanted that badly would seem illogical to me.
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I don't think it's proper to label my wife as high or low libido, she goes back and forth between the two. Was HL for the first 3 years of our relationship, which I would put as past the "initial lust/puppylove" period, and she's told me she either exists in HL mode or no libido mode, and it's easier for her to shut it down completely than be disappointed and/or frustrated.
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She didn't want to explain the reason for why she wasn't attracted anymore, but I ended up prying out of her she wasn't attracted to me because of a lack of competence and confidence.
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The short version is: met online, she was attracted to my dominance as a raid leader (whatever, nerds, I know :D ), got happily married 2 years afterwards.
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- I have food issues and porn addiction and lie about those. Working on fixing those now. Both have hurt her in the past because she values honesty and integrity. My fault.

I'm overweight, but have been at roughly the same weight (240-260) since we met, and this was not an issue for the first three years of our relationship, she was very attracted to me physically and while she desired fitness and healthiness, didn't feel a need for me to lose massive amounts of weight. Atm I think I've figured out intermittent fasting, and have gone from 259 -> 249 in the past month. Woo.
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I stopped being dominant in the bedroom and IRL (she's a hyper competent project manager with multi multi million dollar projects, I've gone from being a science and math teacher (which I think she found attractive) to a stay-at-home dad with 2 young (1 very difficult) children.). I suspect she wants dominance at home and especially in the bedroom, but it's difficult to compete with her, and I didn't realize how necessary that was until this year. Going back to our old conversations and emails was painful, because she was clearly super-into it and loves it. Problem, she might not want it unless attraction is already present. Don't know how to kick-start this engine.
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- Opened relationship 2 years ago when she met a smart attractive guy at work. I thought this was a good idea, since I've always been interested in open relationships. Didn't realize that could be taken as a sign of not being possessive and desirous of her, and hurt her even more and/or drive her away. I've had three flings in those two years, all cut short by me, because I could sense her discomfort of them and non-supportiveness. I've been very supportive of her and her BF. Perhaps that comes off as submissive, who knows. I don't think they've had sex (he's married and cheating (on a wife who abuses him), emotionally at least, and she's got enough integrity to not let him cross lines he's established for himself)

Last week, ended up in a convo with a person on a fetish website (story for another day), ended up unpacking the whole relationship, and she thought (because she's the same MBTI type as my wife, and had a similar experience) my wife is only capable of loving one person at a time, and is replacing me with other guy. And I'm screwed if I let her do that. She was pretty persuasive, and described many of my wife's feelings and actions before I told her about them. *shrug* She's possibly biased by her past experiences, but she has a good point, and in the space of a day I went from being pretty happy with the situation (I generally like my life, or I think I did), to wanting to change stuff and being scared I'd already fucked it up too badly.
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So if we unpack it all, we can make a timeline.

They meet online (World of Warcraft raiding, lol) and fall into a relationship with some BDSM power dynamics (dom/sub), with her being the sub and him being the dom. While this goes on, roughly 3 years, she's 100% totally into it - and they have two kids. It looks like near ~5 months into the second pregnancy, it slows down and stalls out. It looks uneventful for the second pregnancy, but it looks like once she's recovered (~2-3 months) they are still not connecting.

It's unclear what the exact problem is - but either he isn't giving her what she wants (confidence and competence in the bedroom) and he turns to porn to make himself feel better, or because he turns to porn to make himself feel better he isn't capable of giving her what she wants. Either case, there is clearly a disconnect and instead of healing or self-reflection - his response is to suggest that she hooks up with a guy from her job, which probably really helped to drive her away.

On top of that - they have an "open" relationship but the wife doesn't seem to like it and she wasn't the one to suggest it. She also (allegedly) takes offense to the idea that he's able to fuck other women but not her, probably because it makes her feel even more like she isn't good enough for him.

He realizes some of this, albeit a full 2-2.5 years after when it really mattered and it looks like his wife is really considering moving on. It sounds like he really let himself go emotionally, physically, and sexually.

So I told my wife yesterday about being clean [Tanner Note - From Porn] for 40 days, and she didn't give a crap, in spite of it being part of the original reason for our dead bedroom. She's completely apathetic now.
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Press "F" for this guys marriage.
 
Tanner Glass said:
It looks like you grabbed the wrong guy there (unless he stated that was his account?).

The thread you linked was frum u/Dantastic_ where the OP from the other thread (u/Forward-Different) commented in.

Looking at the OP (u/Forward-Different) we can find the following breadcrumbs showing how this relationship was marked for success early on.

So if we unpack it all, we can make a timeline.

They meet online (World of Warcraft raiding, lol) and fall into a relationship with some BDSM power dynamics (dom/sub), with her being the sub and him being the dom. While this goes on, roughly 3 years, she's 100% totally into it - and they have two kids. It looks like near ~5 months into the second pregnancy, it slows down and stalls out. It looks uneventful for the second pregnancy, but it looks like once she's recovered (~2-3 months) they are still not connecting.

It's unclear what the exact problem is - but either he isn't giving her what she wants (confidence and competence in the bedroom) and he turns to porn to make himself feel better, or because he turns to porn to make himself feel better he isn't capable of giving her what she wants. Either case, there is clearly a disconnect and instead of healing or self-reflection - his response is to suggest that she hooks up with a guy from her job, which probably really helped to drive her away.

On top of that - they have an "open" relationship but the wife doesn't seem to like it and she wasn't the one to suggest it. She also (allegedly) takes offense to the idea that he's able to fuck other women but not her, probably because it makes her feel even more like she isn't good enough for him.

He realizes some of this, albeit a full 2-2.5 years after when it really mattered and it looks like his wife is really considering moving on. It sounds like he really let himself go emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Press "F" for this guys marriage.
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It sounds like he's completely shot himself in the foot.

We can assume from the information given that neither of them were probably high in levels of attractiveness, and this is a mistake that spouses can make in marriage that they fail to maintain themselves at a level of attraction or are consequently encouraged to let themselves go by their spouse in order to enforce a power dynamic. (Fat wife, fat husband, etc.) It gets more difficult for women with each child unless she is determined to keep her pre-pregnancy shape.

If I were a betting man, the reason that the sex dropped off after kid part II is because the husband lost interest in having sex with his plain wife. The information that she wasn't the one who suggested an open relationship re-enforces this fact, as the husband probably saw it as a chance to meet less unattractive women to bang without realizing the golden rule of male/female sexual interactions.

Women, even less attractive women will need to put in a quarter of the work, a male of same attraction level does in order to secure sex from females. It's weighted that way because of human biology, with women having more available choice then men. If he as her husband basically ignored her, then insulted her by wanting an open relationship, then he has no one to blame except for himself when his wife started seeing someone else who meets her physical and emotional needs.

From the sounds of the reddit descriptions, it's obvious that he's a soyboy and a bit of a manchild who abandoned the marriage long before his wife did. At this point it's over, it's just whether or not she'll be the one to pull the trigger first.
 
Kaiser Wilhelm's Ghost said:
If I were a betting man, the reason that the sex dropped off after kid part II is because the husband lost interest in having sex with his plain wife. The information that she wasn't the one who suggested an open relationship re-enforces this fact, as the husband probably saw it as a chance to meet less unattractive women to bang without realizing the golden rule of male/female sexual interactions.
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The thing is he isn't fucking other women or even seeming to try to. It's porn. He's got some gross fetishes that either his wife refuses to participate in or he's afraid to approach her about. Given how she found out about the porn and considered it cheating, I'm guessing she found out about them. I have no doubt that he's gone down a deep rabbithole of degeneracy after two and a half years of sitting at home and jerking off all day.
 
break these cuffs said:
The thing is he isn't fucking other women or even seeming to try to. It's porn. He's got some gross fetishes that either his wife refuses to participate in or he's afraid to approach her about. Given how she found out about the porn and considered it cheating, I'm guessing she found out about them. I have no doubt that he's gone down a deep rabbithole of degeneracy after two and a half years of sitting at home and jerking off all day.
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Yeah, I'd say any male who is supportive of polyamory in some part is degenerate. I don't know any normal person who thinks it's appropriate to sleep around on their partner, or encourage their partner to do the same. Every person I've met who has been like that, has been basement dweller types.

Which ever way you slice it. I'd say he's the guilty party for being the first person in the marriage to abandon it. Or as others have pointed out, turned his wife into a room mate who he has some kids with.
 
break these cuffs said:
The thing is he isn't fucking other women or even seeming to try to. It's porn. He's got some gross fetishes that either his wife refuses to participate in or he's afraid to approach her about. Given how she found out about the porn and considered it cheating, I'm guessing she found out about them. I have no doubt that he's gone down a deep rabbithole of degeneracy after two and a half years of sitting at home and jerking off all day.
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He did state that he had 2 or 3 different "flings" that his wife did not approve of, so he's likely got some kind of degeneracy and is looking to fuck other girls. He also mentioned that he hangs around on a fetish website without directly stating what website is specifically is. His wife, conversely, is not mentioned to be surfing fetish websites and instead found someone organically at work.

Really though, I think there's a missing puzzle piece somewhere - because it sounds like something happened to this guy where his confidence was wrecked (my guess is his "former" job fired him and he hasn't been able to find another one) and it bled into all aspects of his life. His wife is the breadwinner and it seems like he isn't taking that well.
 
I keep asking myself "why can't these people ever just plain get divorces or just break up and move on like normal people do in failed/failing relationships instead of mentally and emotionally abusing themselves, each other and all others in between (mostly their kids)", but then I remembered that the only thing normal about these cases is just how cripplingly abnormal these fucking saps are
 
break these cuffs said:
The thing is he isn't fucking other women or even seeming to try to. It's porn. He's got some gross fetishes that either his wife refuses to participate in or he's afraid to approach her about. Given how she found out about the porn and considered it cheating, I'm guessing she found out about them. I have no doubt that he's gone down a deep rabbithole of degeneracy after two and a half years of sitting at home and jerking off all day.
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Hentai, not even once.
 
After reading all of this noise, my general idea is that they need to quit thinking so much about sex. Maybe this is coming from a woman in her 40's, but there is so much more invested in a relationship, than fucking. I mean all of this stuff ... Who is dominant, who is submissive, the introduction of porn into the picture ... the masturbation ... I guess that personally, I don't have patience for it.

Marriage at its core is not a fuckfest, but it is the establishment of a socioeconomic unit. So when people make marital commitments, they are agreeing to merge resources, and genes if children are in the picture. Sexuality is an important component that comes along with merging resources and families, etc. I suppose merging selves.

Basically it comes down to both parties needing to give something up. He needs to give up his fetishit, and beating off. She needs to give up being emotionally needy and feeling desirable or not. If she wants to salvage her marriage, it means releasing any third parties. To get butthurt because your husband watches porn is futile. She should say "look, I do not have any actual use for you. If you don't show some committment to your marriage, I am out of here."

"And I am taking the kids because you are beating off around them."
 
Non-Expert! said:
After reading all of this noise, my general idea is that they need to quit thinking so much about sex.
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I think that sums up most of the people featured in this thread and who I know do this shit in real life. I think the majority of poly people are uggos and weirdos that didn't get laid in high school and possibly not even in post-secondary school and developed a complex that they're now living out in full. Just another example of what arrested development, short-attention spans, and narcissism can do to you. Why stop fulfilling your childhood fantasy of getting strange all the time just because a little old marriage is in the way? Love is like, for everyone, maaaaaaan.

Maybe this is akin to the abstinence only religious kid you knew getting knocked/knocking someone up ASAP because nothing makes a person obsess over something like being told they can't have it, or in some people's case, not actually be able to get any if you wanted too.
 
Hux said:
I keep asking myself "why can't these people ever just plain get divorces or just break up and move on like normal people do in failed/failing relationships instead of mentally and emotionally abusing themselves, each other and all others in between (mostly their kids)", but then I remembered that the only thing normal about these cases is just how cripplingly abnormal these fucking saps are
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They are so emotionally codependent that they cant imagine being on their own for a bit even
 
Hux said:
I keep asking myself "why can't these people ever just plain get divorces or just break up and move on like normal people do in failed/failing relationships instead of mentally and emotionally abusing themselves, each other and all others in between (mostly their kids)", but then I remembered that the only thing normal about these cases is just how cripplingly abnormal these fucking saps are
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I think it is about having poor boundaries, and perhaps a disordered attachment style. It seems like a mix of things. Some people might have "dependent personality disorder" for example. Some might be people pleasers and feel like everything will fall apart if they aren't in the middle, mediating. Some might be trying to escape something that broke inside them.

Lots of stuff.
 
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