Obscure Laughingstocks - Lolcows without substantial online presence.

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If the general populace of dA is any indication I'm sure that the complaints forum must have been all the worst parts completely distilled. Do you have any other good stories?

I'm always amazed at people who, when hiding behind the supposed safety of internet anonymity, will take outright hatred to a general message board and wonder why people aren't welcoming them with open arms.
Surprisingly, it wasn't the worst part of DA in my opinion. The regulars would fit in well here, and we mostly made fun of the rest of DA. We had plenty of fail trolls show up and try to be funny (every summer, like clockwork, we would have a few new ones)
I just remembered a really good story, years ago someone( who was probably 14 or so )started a thread about how they tried to buy the last special edition something something YuGiOh deck and a little kid got it first! How dare that young child swipe that deck away from the high schooler who clearly deserves it more? Well he got quite the welcome, enough for him to send some white knights our way. That worked just as well as you would expect. After a while the thread died down, this guy faded into obscurity, and that was that. Or so we thought.
Apparently he, or a white knight, decided to make a list of everyone who commented in that thread because obviously we were all horrible cyberbullies for implying he was too old to bitch about YuGiOh. This list started being circulated through people's journals as the Cyberbully List. People actually took it seriously and would block everyone on the list so all us awful meanies couldn't troll them. To the best of my knowledge, it's still being circulated. And yes, I am on the list.:ween:
 
This person I've been following on DA now is bizarre to say the least and doesn't do well with criticism, but I've never really seen a mass amount of people following them.
She does dragon drawings...Okay cool. She does her artwork with either colored pencils or Garry's mod, which would be okay if she hadn't artcasted (typecasting for art) to ONLY doing dragons.

I rember this picture got posted to a tumblr dedicated to shitty art, and she got incrdibly pissy about it and declared everyone on tumblr bullies
everything_is_permitted___even_a_night_fury_by_flygonpirate-d77reu4.jpg

I tried doing an art trade with her once, because I had drawn some pieces for her in the past, but all she said she would do is Dragons, pokemon (dragon pokemon specifiacly) and tenta spy (a half octopus half spy from Team Fortress 2). I understand that as an artist you might feel uncomfortable drawing something because you can't take negative feedback, but god dang this limitation of hers made me not want to do an art trade with her.

She also seems to have a weird fixation on flygons, Aku from Samurai Jack, drawing the TF2 Pyro as a dragon, and flooding my inbox with passive aggressive journals and polls (up to 13 a day)so she can get showered in the comforting embrace of the bleeding hearts and hugboxes on DA.
 
what really cracks me up is I can kill 99% of the people who talk shit on the web with my bare hands if the ever met me irl. I lift weights everyday, do all kinds of martial arts training, can use nunchaku and turn any object I get my hands on into a deadly weapon and used to be in the army so I have first hand knowledge of just how stupid and incompetent the government really is.
so when these geeks with no life who are probably half immobile lardasses living in their momma's basement talk all this shit it really both pisses me off and cracks me up at the same time

darkmasterblade is a Deviantart user who loves fat girls and thinks he is a half vampire warlock that can cast spells on people but never does for some reason. He will flip the fuck out at the slightest provocation and has made dozens of journal pages where he complains about how hard his life is, complains about how stupid and evil humans are, complains about how hard his job of moving boxes is and tells anyone who says anything negative about him to go play and traffic. Which is for some reason the only way he can tell someone to kill themselves. Unfortunately most of these have been removed but you can still find a few gems like these.

http://darkmasterblade.deviantart.com/journal/vampires-p-465221698\


http://darkmasterblade.deviantart.com/journal/aaaaaaargh-why-452090782

http://darkmasterblade.deviantart.com/journal/wow-that-was-something-476712830

http://darkmasterblade.deviantart.com/journal/I-think-im-sick-476683614

He also has a girlfriend on Deviantart so I don't think he is a troll.

I might make a thread for him if he makes more journal pages saying that he wants people to be hung by their entrails.
 
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I've been following this guy for years on DA. He's admitted to having sex with his own car, and made journals about how upset he gets when he sees a car being "mistreated." More specifically, he believes that cars have a "soul" and that his own car talks to him and loves him.
http://half-dude.deviantart.com/
http://half-dude.deviantart.com/journal/New-Lilly-Amazingnesses-373876161

He hates Jeremy Clarkson for not loving cars the way he does
http://half-dude.deviantart.com/journal/Jeremy-Clarkson-is-a-Piece-of-Shit-331816436

TLC contacted him about his fetish in the past to appear on My Strange Addiction. he is offended
http://half-dude.deviantart.com/journal/My-Strange-Addiction-Attacks-284566044

While he has had troubles finding a GF in the past, he recently found a woman who enjoys sexually appreciating planes. Here they are as a couple:
http://half-dude.deviantart.com/art/Kissing-A-Concorde-469373096

And yes, there is porn. so much horrifying, degenerate porn. As in, cars with penises and vaginas. As those require a DA account to view, I'll spare your eyes (unless someone specifically requests it).
That being said, here's a "clean" pic he drew of cars having sex: http://half-dude.deviantart.com/art/Vehiclular-Procreation-Part-1-257836148
 
I've been following this guy for years on DA. He's admitted to having sex with his own car, and made journals about how upset he gets when he sees a car being "mistreated." More specifically, he believes that cars have a "soul" and that his own car talks to him and loves him.
http://half-dude.deviantart.com/
Holy fuck, I thought I was the only one who knew about this guy.
 
I like Wikia because it's a honeypot for information that would otherwise fag up Wikipedia.
 
No idea if this person is a Lolcow or even if she's worthy of what's being done to her, but I find it hilarious.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=NgRkqlXzVz8
No more stupid Internet me-mees.
Lolli's a troll. Her Professional Girl Gamer In The Gamer Commun-in-ity schtick is pretty tryhard, but I just love how she stages the crap in her room. It's the little things that get me.
 
Lolli's a troll. Her Professional Girl Gamer In The Gamer Commun-in-ity schtick is pretty tryhard, but I just love how she stages the crap in her room. It's the little things that get me.
Oh that's kind of interesting. Huh.
 
This guy's probably not enough of a lolcow to warrant his own thread (for one thing, there won't be any new content from him for quite a while), but I feel like he's worth pointing out anyway.

Matthew Todd Miller, aka Preston Somerset

Highlights:
  • American, arrested and sentenced to 6 years in prison in North Korea. Upon arriving, he apparently 1.) Tore up his visa and declared he wanted asylum. Or possibly he 2.) Wanted to experience North Korean prison to do a super sekrit undercover investigation of North Korean human rights. He also claimed to have info on the US military in South Korea on his iDevices (he did not).
  • While living in South Korea he was known to most of his IRL acquaintances as Preston Somerset, and apparently spoke with an affected British accent and pretended to be from the UK.
  • Is there a deviantArt connection? Of course there's a deviantArt connection. While frittering around in Seoul with no apparent job or source of income, he was spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars commissioning people on DA to work on his vision of a steampunk anime version of Alice in Wonderland.
http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/09/20/us-northkorea-usa-miller-idUSKBN0HD0GN20140920

http://www.nknews.org/2014/09/ameri...commissioned-alice-in-wonderland-art-reuters/
 
Creative Writing workshops can be a great resource if you're willing to put in the work and are open to whatever meaningful criticism may come your way. However they are also a great resource for meeting people who are interested in none of those things. I have met quite a few of these people over the years, here is the story of the worst guy I've yet to meet at these things.

"Max" (Fiction Workshop)
  • The first thing most noticed about Max was his bowl cut and that his jeans were too short for his legs. He was still wearing faded pairs of jeans that he likely had since he was in high school. This is what it looked like.
  • The second thing people noticed was Max's complete inability to modulate his voice. This guy was loud as shit and had no idea.
Obviously this is odd/somewhere on the autism spectrum, but not really noteworthy in and of itself. However...
  • Max remains one of the worst workshop participants I've ever worked with. He would constantly interrupt people with "Now I'm talking" or "My turn to talk now" while holding up his index finger like an adult scolding a child.
  • Max had an enormous hate-boner for any story involving drugs or sex. He would find any stories containing either to be "poorly written" and "trashy." He was also fond of reminding everyone that he had never touched drugs in his life.
  • His other comments were equally useless for an author. He hated any story that had "froufrou emotions." Essentially anything that wasn't trying to be "awesome" was bad. Few stories were trying to be "awesome" as he defined it.
  • If there was an assigned reading that was a piece of fiction, he hated it. If the assigned reading was about method and technique, he would talk about how much he thought it was stupid and disagreed with it.
This was his routine throughout the workshop. It was not until nearer the end was it finally time for his story. His story was a cliche bit about Russians inventing zombies that attack and kill a group of vodka swilling miners. In terms of other projects by spergs talked about on this forum, it was much closer to Golden Knight's Myth of the Legendary Warrior in terms of quality than Tiberius Rising. Which is a feat given the quality of both. Ultimately, a collection of images and ideas he thought were awesome but he had no sense (and I don't think he really cared) of what building blocks actually made even the most basic story.

I was fed up with this guy at this point and his story being as bad as it was didn't help. When it was time to finally talk about his story I really tore into it for being a generic and uninteresting mess. To my relief the instructor agreed with what I had to say, and was far more annoyed with Max's entry than myself.

His response was that he was "writing it for himself." Which is maybe the worst response you can have at a workshop. If you were really writing for yourself then why bring it before other people at all? No one tricks you about what the function of a workshop is. It's just a waste of everyone's time and effort otherwise.

In retrospect he reminds me quite a bit of a certain Golden Knight talked about on here and gives me the impression that TGK was likely similar to this guy during his college years.

I lost track of him after the course ended. I hope he got some much needed therapy, but I have a feeling he is more likely in some dark corner of the internet doing what he always did biding time before he ends up someone's pet lolcow.
 
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Game Grumps was an absolute step in the wrong direction, and got even worse after Jon left because the guy to fill his shoes just basically agrees with him on everything.
If anyone wants to know what happened to Jon and Arin in Gamegrumps in detail. Well...
bfzOuo9.png
 
He evidently had an ED page years ago over his invader zim shit, long before he started getting sexual with his car. It was taken down though.
of course he's not the only one who does this: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/mechaphile-sex-thousands-cars-now-2356854
By the way, friendly reminder to check your tailpipe for vaseline before turning the key.
That perks my interest. Wonder why someone doesn't get on the horn and remake it. Also, I take public transit, so I'm safe from car fuckers.
 
I want to put this under "lolcow culture/behavior"
>Headcanons

I never understood the damn things. I mean, its fine if you are spitballing theorys like how the animatronics in Five Frights at Dennys are actually DARPA-Funded robotic supersoliders (dispite there being absolutly no evidance whatsoever about such a thing) then shrugging with a smile, but then you have people who insist that their headcanons are, well, canon.

Unless the writers for YOUR FAVORITE SHOW/MOVIE/ANIME/VIDEOGAME HERE! actually write in that it IS canon, it is not.
From the Superwholock thread. This so much. It gets much worse when fans miscontrue what the writer said and uses that as evidence. Let's not get started on how butthurt these headcanon people get when the writer or a movie adaption decides to debunk their headcanons (see: Hunger Games incident)
 
I didn't know where to put this really, but I figured you people might be interested. I found this guy on tumblr who seems to believe that he is legitimately in love with the Mr. Peanutbutter character from that Bojack Horseman show.

http://ashfirin.tumblr.com/
As per his own "about" page:

Hey friend! I’m Derek!

I am a really gay boy who is in love with Mr Peanutbutter from Bojack Horseman. Like legit in love. Like to the extent I’d be in love with a real person. I also love Alfred Alfer, Mr Peabody, Brian Griffin, Ash Firin, Gin Rummy, and more. But these are my main favs, but Mr Peanutbutter is my #1.
I love anything Adult Swim related honestly.

I am chronically ill, and need social justice things tagged for my own mental health, please.

This guy is very active and frequently posts every few minutes. He's got a pretty "interesting" collection of fan artwork, some of which involve his own original character, other popular animated characters, and are frequently sexually explicit in nature.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to share. I'm not really sure if this guy fits into the label of a lolcow, but he's certainly entertained me for the week or so I've been looking at his page.
 
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