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Isn’t it great my ex bully turned from Evil Neville? Isn’t it great my ex bully sneeds and feeds me after every battle Neville? Isn’t it great I have a tsundere childhood friend Neville? I wouldn’t fucking know Potter. Maybe she should have kept my remembral because she doesn’t even remember my FUCKING NAME
Hiss
I am NOT entitled you stupid foid snake WHAT DOES HE HAVE THAT I DONT
They muffled their shuddering breaths while cowering in this long unused hallway of the abandoned Hogwarts expansion. The attack from Voldemort's shock troops was sudden and harder than even Professor McGonagall had prepped for. The screams and jeering laughs still rang in Malfoid's ears. Her eyes started burning in what she hoped wasn't tears only to find a bright crimson, still visible in the darkness of the night, dribbling now down her nose and onto her new blouse. Harry looked at her and weeping wound over her eyes, frantic and afraid but still managing to hold it together, somehow she thought to herself. As their eyes met they froze in terror as the deafening silence was broken by a dull, clopping thud accompanied by a gentle squeaking honk.
*thud*
*honk*
*thud*
*honk*
*thud*
*honk*
"Do you feel in good humor?" the threatening voice echoed down the stone corridor. There was no place left for them to run. The expansion escape was a last ditch effort of Harry trying to make the best of a bad situation. Keeping his wits together, for Malfoid's sake and his own, he hurriedly pulled out the cloak of invisibility and, embracing her, he threw it over the both of them. Dracy's once fiery self assuredness was now replaced with cold fear as she clung to him. Harry thought that any other time he might be enjoying himself with her acting like a simple girl but pushed that thought of fantasy out of his mind to focus on this dire situation.
*thud*
*honk*
*thud*
*honk*
*thud*
*honk*
The ghastly moon dimly illuminated the walls. All Harry could make out was that fearsome build and wild shock of hair casually encroaching on their hiding spot. The grotesque and muffled voice seemed itself to be searching for them.
"I'm aware of your tricks, boy who lived. I may not be able to see you but I know how to find you. Why is Mad-Eye Moody a terrible teacher?"
The deafening silence returned for a few horrible moments.
"Because he can’t control his pupils."
Harry sat perplexed. It was too absurd to be real. What was the attacker's gambit? That's when he felt Malfoid gripping him tighter and shaking. The horror came to him in an instant and he was powerless to stop what was coming.
"I know that one always brings a few sensible chuckles. Let's try something a little sillier. Which side of the centaur has more hair?" the figure asked as it grew ever closer.
Harry's world froze as he gripped Dracy as tight as she did to him in their vain attempt to silence her reaction.
"The outside."
Malfoid was now slightly bouncing as though she had the hiccups. Harry tried to reach for his wand, if only he could get off a hex then it might buy them enough time he thought, but it was too late as the killing blow finally came.
"I have prepared for every eventuality. I know whom you are with, boy who lived. I know the jokes and silly sayings you tried on her. I know that she finds them all very droll. She is one of us and I know she will get a kick out of this one....what...do you call..." an imposing shadow fell over them "two niggers fucking?"
Harry and the world drew in their breath.
"Fucking niggers"
The howls of Dracy Malfoid's laughter pierced through the night like a banshee's wail. The cloak was ripped off of them revealing them to Clown Bane.
"Oh, you think mirth is your ally, but you merely adopted mirth. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see the humor until I was already a man; by then, it was nothing to me but silly! The jokes betray you, because they belong to me. I will show you where I have made my set, whilst preparing to bring comedy. But perhaps you find this unfair. Perhaps you judge me too critical of your jokes. So I shall give you a chance, Potter. Make me laugh, funny guy!"
Harry's mind raced.
"Y-you think we're unevenly matched? You...you want a good match? My face and your mum's arse!"
Clown Bane paused for a moment before picking the young Harry Potter up over his head and dropping the square of Harry's back right onto his set knee. Malfoid tried to reach out to the broken and writhing boy she had fallen for but could not collect herself. She kept gasping and muttering "fucking niggers" over and over again as the tears poured down her face.
"I was going to take you The Dark Lord untarnished but for that and all your other flubbed jokes your punishment must be more severe. You will go to him, broken and lost. You will watch me throw pies at your woman. You will behold me hitting your fellow classmates with a comically oversized hammer. You will bear witness to me torturing your beloved school and when you understand the depths of your bombing... we will destroy this place. When it is in ashes...Hogwarts...then you have my permission to laugh."
"Hhhhhhhhow?" Harry gurgled through the pain "Hhhhhhhow dddidd you you you..."
"Infiltrate the mighty bastion of Hogwarts? I found the most oppressed of you and offered a healing balm and friendship. Come forth and let them know what REAL humor is!"
The soft pitter patter of tiny footsteps rushed forward as if they were lying in wait for their cue.
"Does Master Potter want to know how Dobby got these scars?"
"For years Dobby has endured pain and suffering and ridicule from that horrible headmaster. Harry Potter made a grave mistake freeing Dobby from his masters and letting that dreadful Dumbledore get killed. Now Dobby is free to see the lighter side of life. Dobby is always smiling!" The house elf crouched over Harry's head to whisper to him. The elf who had suffered years of agony pulled a frying pan from behind his back. "Two ducks were walking down a road. One gets hit by a carriage. The other one says 'Are you alright?'!" and with that a clang reverberated against Harry's head and in the alcove as darkness overcame him.
That or that one 4chan post about Cute Aggression is right on the money and you're seeing a lot of people with underdeveloped amygdala freaking out. I'm incredibly amused by the whole thing. Also that one video with Iris absolutely gets the yearning thing, as any proper 90s teenager could tell you.
I'm usually the first to bring that up, but I don't think it's the case here. Whenever someone's seething is rooted in cute aggression, one of the very first copes arguments made is that it is pedophilic in some way. Yet despite Malfoid being underage during the hypothetical AU novels, I'm not seeing an awful lot of that. >meanwhile blabs (conservative culture war podcaster) preparing a segment on how it's 'creepy'
Nevermind, it's cute aggression.
There is one comic I want to add to my collection, but I can't find it. I've seen it scroll by on twitter once, but I didn't save it and I have never seen it again.
It's a better drawn and more high res take on this scene from that one series of short stories
Except with more smooth lines. Yes I've tried searching the media section under 'malfoid', but I can't see it anywhere. Did anyone catch it when it was up?
The people came to me. Harry Potter fans. Grown men, tears in their eyes. Some wearing scarves. Indoors. Very emotional people. They said, “Sir, she calls him Pottah, she says she hates him, but she’s blushing. We’ve never seen yearning like this.”
And I said, “I know. I’ve seen the pictures. Tremendous character design. The platinum hair. The green eyes. The little ribbon. You don’t put a ribbon like that on someone who’s emotionally available. Everybody knows this.”
So they went to Joanne. They said, “Joanne, tsundere Malfoid works much better. Change the books.” Very reasonable request. Seven books. Find and replace. We have computers. A young man could do it in an afternoon.
But she won’t do it. Won’t even discuss it. A very nasty attitude toward the yearning community. These are good people. They’ve been surviving on eye contact and corridor arguments for years. Years. They deserve something.
So I looked into it myself. Very carefully. She thinks about Potter all day. Talks about Potter all night. “I hate you, Pottah!” Darling, you’ve mentioned him forty-seven times. That’s not hatred. That’s a significant investment.
She knows his timetable. She knows where he eats. Suddenly she’s in the same corridor. “Oh, what are YOU doing here, Pottah?” It’s his classroom. He’s enrolled. You came down three flights of stairs to be disappointed.
And the blushing. Nobody can explain the blushing. They say, “Sir, perhaps she’s angry.” I said, “Both cheeks? Every time he smiles? We’re supposed to believe that?” Fake news. Very pink fake news.
I had the experts look at it. The finest experts. One of them had written four hundred thousand words about these two. No salary. No benefits. Incredible work ethic. I said, “What’s your conclusion?” She said, “They’re idiots, sir.” And frankly, I agree.
Potter’s no better. Terrible negotiator. She says, “You’re insufferable,” and he leaves. He LEAVES. Harry, she spent forty minutes doing her hair to insult you. Sit down. Ask a follow-up question.
But he’s busy with Voldemort. Always Voldemort. “I have to defeat the Dark Lord.” Fine. Defeat him. Wrap it up. There’s a woman in the library pretending she hasn’t saved you a seat.
And she has saved him a seat. Her bag’s on it. Someone asks to sit there, she says no. Potter arrives, suddenly the bag’s on the floor. A complete change in seating policy. No explanation. We noticed.
Now, some people say, “But sir, what about the original canon?” I’ve seen the original canon. Some good things. Lovely castle. Very poor student safety. A snake in the plumbing. Nobody inspected it. But tremendous potential.
What we’re doing is an upgrade. We’re keeping the magic. We’re keeping the castle. We’re adding a woman who says “don’t flatter yourself” while remembering something he said in September.
They told me, “Sir, you can’t just make her canon.”
I said, “Have you seen this pen?”
Beautiful pen. Very official. You sign something with a pen this large, people tend to accept it.
So today, I am signing an executive order recognising Malfoid as officially canon. Effective immediately. All seven books. The films. The little LEGO people. They’ll give her a tiny angry face. Turn the head around, she’s blushing. Fantastic product.
And we’re protecting the yearning. Very important provision. We’re not forcing a confession. That would destroy the economy. They can almost hold hands for another six hundred pages. But now they’ll do it officially.
Joanne can appeal, of course. We believe in due process.
The same people who do the thing you're complaining about reject all actual philosophy and they shit-talk Nietzsche (and any great historical rightist) because he devoted his life to words and ideas, not to getting paid and laid or being a cop/bodyguard/sniper.
"Dostoyevsky/Mishima/Schopenhauer/etc were fucking losers" is core right-normalfag signaling.
Also it's a pretty reliable marker of being a fed (of the soul if not the badge).
"Pottah, why are you throwing such names at me? Wizards who understand what being a wizard means, where we came from, wizards who are interested in propermagic philosophy, we read Snickelverts, Heisingdoggle, and Zonkeribaud, true and honest pureblood geniuses, not whomever those filthy mudbloods are!"
"Defense Against the Dark Arts" is now Gun Class. Now someone needs to edit in slowed and reverbed Macarena into the last fight scene of the last movie as a flight of A-10s do strafing runs on VoldeCUCK.
"Avacadbra this, faggot!"
1:36
"I guess your little whore crutch can't do shit against 40mm, huh?"
I am re-reading through the books and it makes perfect sense to have Malfoy as a women. From the very first scene where they met to introduce the concept of wizard race to the end where Harry defeats Voldemort.
The way the book puts it, wizard race is a retarded concept and Voldemort was clearly huffing something since he is a half-blood himself. The best wizards came from muggles, which includes Voldemort.
Then again, Harry Potter is meant to be a children's book for children which limits the story in areas where it is lacking. Perhaps heavy retconning could work.
If you're talking about Malfoid, probably infinity dollars forever because there's no way she would do that. She probably hates this trend, and even if she didn't she has to think about her female audience and I doubt they're into it. Reasons being:
-They like Malfoy as he already is
-Don't want to be associated with the incel crowd promoting it
-Capability-wise, she's inferior to Harry in every way and that's not gonna fly with them
-They're convinced this all coomerbait masquerading as something else
-Probably others, or a combo of the above
If you're talking about McGonagall though......might have a chance with that one.
Money is probably the last thing she needs. Just enjoy your fanfic fantasy. The story is also fine without a major romantic subplot. It's a nice meme, but it's not improving anything.
