Lovequest Leaked Catie Texts

[Skeletor]

You ever seen the video of Chris shaving his face without shaving cream? I imagine it's a lot like that, just instead of, "Whoops, time to shave. *SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE*" it's "Whoops, time to put something up muh butt. *SHOVE SHOVE SHOVE*.

The shaving video makes me think he has a surprisingly high tolerance for physical pain. Plus the whole taint piercing thing, I imagine that must hurt like a bitch but he seems to take it in stride.

 

[Uzumaki]

I wonder if Chris is proud of being the royal heir to a big plywood box of garbage.

Lord Christian Crystal "Ricardo" Christopher Weston Chandler, last heir to the Grand Duchy of Hoard.

Edit: Sorry, how shitlord of me, Lady Christian Crystal "Ricardo" Christopher Weston Chandler, last heir to the Grand Duchy of Hoard.

 

[warongiygas]

Chris claims he is descended from Ann Boleyn. Impossible of course, since Ann Boleyn had no grandchildren, but assume he means he is related to her.

Ann Boleyn lived 500 years ago. Assuming that the gap between generations is about 25 years, that is 20 generations ago. The number of direct ancestors you have doubles each generation (you have 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 grandparents etc.). That means you have over 1 million direct ancestors 20 generations ago. Since the population of England was under 3 million in Ann Boleyn's days, if you have largely English ancestry it is almost a certainty you are related to someone important in English history if you look back that far.

*This effect is reduced by inbreeding, which reduces the number of ancestors you have. On the other hand it is increased by the fact that children of important and wealthy people were more likely to have children who survived and procreated. So it is a complete pulled out of the ass estimate. But I can say that Chris claim of being related to the Boleyns, even if true, is not that impressive.

I read somewhere that it takes something like 7 generations before your genetic data is no longer different from a total stranger's. That means that a blood descendant 7 generations down the line is genetically no more similar to you than a total stranger.

That said, Chris is as much royalty as he is Cherokee, which is to say not at all. The reason Barb (and in turn Chris) attach so much importance to this fiction is because it allows her to justify treating other people (commoners) like shit.

EDIT: Just found this article on the subject. The article's author mentions having a relative on the Mayflower voyage.

 

[Slowboat to China]

Quick, somebody design a Weston coat of arms! I'm thinking twin Sonichus combatant, arms azure, above a rotting hoard sable. Motto: stultorum numerus, infinitus est.

 

[Spatchmo]

I wonder if Chris is proud of being the royal heir to a big plywood box of garbage.

Hey Alec, kind of off topic but out of curiosity

Spoiler: Off topic

how would you be integrating all of this stuff into Asperchu if you were still doing the comic? Would you just ignore this tomgirl / Catherine stuff?

 

[Poor Choices]

Quick, somebody design a Weston coat of arms! I'm thinking twin Sonichus combatant, arms azure, above a rotting hoard sable. Motto: stultorum numerus, infinitus est.

Spoiler: Weston Arms

This is the Weston Arms. You'll notice it has blue.

 

[Uzumaki]

Quick, somebody design a Weston coat of arms! I'm thinking twin Sonichus combatant, arms azure, above a rotting hoard sable. Motto: stultorum numerus, infinitus est.

 

[Kosher Dill]

View attachment 10876

Fix the arms and this'll be perfect XD

 

[Ca Ira]

So does that explain the enemas in the modelling photo? Are they there to "clean the crap out?"

Excuse my rampaging ignorance, but where is this photo posted?

 

[bradsternum]

This is actually one of his oldest justifications for the Love Quest. From 2004: "For days to weeks to months to years, I Felt So Lonesome and Incomplete. But I didn't STOP! In the name of Love, and the fact that there had to be a Boyfriend-Free Girl out there, somewhere, for me to get to know, grow a strong companionship with and make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, so in later years, after the inevitability of my parents leaving me, I WON'T BE ALONE."

And it is still a lousy, creepy reason to get a girlfriend.

 

[Uzumaki]

Fix the arms and this'll be perfect XD

Start a facebook group.

 

[A-№1]

Considering he didn't lose his virginity until after age 30, he is indeed a wizard.

Don't you mean he was a wizard? I believe the consensus is the hooker actually happened. Poor Chris. He thought losing his virginity would be an important , life changing event, and all it did was take away his wizard powers.

I think one of the most poignant things illustrated by this is how the actual, specific woman in Chris's life doesn't matter.

Exactly. As far as Chris is concerned, she really doesn't. This is why arguments that we're not getting honest responses out of Chris when he's responding to trolls are so specious. Chris acts the same whether he's dealing with a real woman, a troll, or a fence post; he just makes demands wrapped in his weird version of "romantic language". The only difference is that with trolls, and sometimes fence posts, we eventually get to see the results. The only other possible difference is that trolls happen to know ahead of time the horror they are setting themselves up for and prepare for it, whereas bona fide women do not. Does anyone seriously believe Chris would behave better with a normal woman off the street naïve to his ways? If anything that would only mean the interaction is shorter, probably to the point of non-existence.

tl;dr: It's impossible to have a "control group" to study normal women interacting with Chris, because normal women wouldn't give him the time of day.

I think that Bob eventually came to the conclusion that Chris was a slow-in-the-mind and gave up on him, as far as parenting goes.

To be honest, given Barb's past, I suspect Bob eventually came to the conclusion that Chris was none of his. Not to turn this into a nature vs. nurture thing, but Chris is nothing like Bob or Bob's other children.

Then Bob just gave up.

i think he has other children

Fixed.

When did he go all, "Pip pip cheerio! I'm British/English, y'all."

The instant he thought it could get him china.

It makes more sense once you realize Chris is quantum. His existence is a superposition of multiple incompatible states collapsing into whichever specific one he thinks will get him what he wants. This can often happen multiple times mid-sentence.

So, I'm not trying to "up the creepy" here, I just thought you'd like to see an example of some of the texts Chris was sending to Catherine when he had barely known her a month. These were all unsolicited. Chris, as usual, couldn't wait to start with the sexy talk.

Damn. Just damn.

What I just said about it being impossible to have a control study of normal women interacting with Chris because normal women flee at the first opportunity: this is why.

But this year, Chris threw that all away. I mean, he went through a house fire, so I don't really fault him for that. But still, he's throwing any progress he's made away.

2014: The year Chris threw it all away.

I suspect Chris finally learned that his life is not static, thanks to the house fire, and it can change at any minute. He's internalized that he is utterly dependent on Barb to handle real world things like insurance, and that Barb is not going to be around forever. To-wit, I suspect he's become desperate in his quest for a new mommy, never mind a fuckmommy, and so threw caution to the wind.

In the same sentence he expresses disgust for his penis while simultaneously bragging about its size

Chris is quantum.

I am willing to cut Chris a little slack on the entitled comment. I think it was possible he was trying to say something fairly common and benign like "I deserve to be treated well in a relationship".

Except Chris' concept of "treated well" is unreasonable, selfish, demanding…

For normal people, "treated well" means common courtesy, but for Chris it means he gets a sex-servant, with free hoard storage and womb rental to boot.

 

[Poor Choices]

Don't you mean he was a wizard? I believe the consensus is the hooker actually happened. Poor Chris. He thought losing his virginity would be an important , life changing event, and all it did was take away his wizard powers.

I'm fluent in Sperglish and the traditional wizard requirement is preserving your virginity until 30 with no conditions as to what happens afterwards because then you're magical and can bone all the fairies, dragons, and sapient furniture you want.

 

[Stud2Stud]

His wording makes it sound like he thinks his junk is retractable. Like a Sonichu.

Underrated post.

Chris is trying to make himself into an electric hedgehog pokemon from the ground-up. I can't even begin to imagine what kind of effect that might have, let's just say the hygienic circumstances have been questionable before, but now his nether region might as well be a brooding ground for Nurgle. Even more so than before.

Also:

Stew In All Of That For A Long While

That's such a classic Chris attitude, not only his self-righteous shines through but also his belief that he's the only one to ever have any reason to be justifiably angry at someone. What really strikes me is how he seems to always think this is going to have a really huge impact on people. He does this a lot, even with trolls.
He tells them he really doesn't appreciate their trolling, as if they'd drop whatever they were doing and go "Oh no! Chris is now angry at us, we should really better out ways to get on his good side again". I'm a bit too tired to really voice it now, but it's surreal how it seems he can't even fathom that the other person might not even give a shit about his opinion of them.

 

[BALLZ-BROKEN]

Spoiler: gross :)

fatty stretches his dick out like chewing gum to get that number

It's more horizontal than vertical.

 

[asperhes]

That's such a classic Chris attitude, not only his self-righteous shines through but also his belief that he's the only one to ever have any reason to be justifiably angry at someone. What really strikes me is how he seems to always think this is going to have a really huge impact on people. He does this a lot, even with trolls.
He tells them he really doesn't appreciate their trolling, as if they'd drop whatever they were doing and go "Oh no! Chris is now angry at us, we should really better out ways to get on his good side again". I'm a bit too tired to really voice it now, but it's surreal how it seems he can't even fathom that the other person might not even give a shit about his opinion of them.

They'd better give a shit, because of Chris's power. There's a not-so-veiled threat here. Chris believes that when he's angry, he is not responsible for his actions. He's already told Catherine that he's on the verge of going "crazy insane." When he's done being depressed, his fury will flare up and he will make a Lego figurine of Catherine to torture. He has evidence that this actually works. When you break up with Chris for no good reason, he believes that you deserve extreme physical pain and torment, if not death.

 

[MY 405]

Spoiler: Weston Arms

This is the Weston Arms. You'll notice it has blue.

Given the chance, I'm sure he'd turn the bezels ( the gold balls) into Sonichu balls, add clown stripes to the blue and claim the inverted lilies were Sonee tracks. And, some clever photoshop person .... GO!

 

[swim126]

I'm fluent in Sperglish and the traditional wizard requirement is preserving your virginity until 30 with no conditions as to what happens afterwards because then you're magical and can bone all the fairies, dragons, and sapient furniture you want.

Most interpretations of the lore equate one's magical ability to one's mana, which is sapped completely upon engaging in coitus. Hence, wizarddom is not the gaining of magical abilities, but rather the awakening of magical abilities buried deep inside. Having the mana sapped before or after gaining wizardhood doesn't matter.
All of this is irrelevant though, since even if Chris had incredibly powerful reality-bending powers he'd use them to police Sega's character design department.

 

[drmccoy]

After reading Sky's posts about Bob, I am in total agreement: Bob knew. He knew exactly what his son could do and prepared for his future. Say what you want about the tugboat but that is some hardcore foresight on Bob's part. He knew and actually gave Chris a safety net for the future. Good on him. I have said this before and some may disagree by I like the old fellow more and more everyday. ( I wish I could get Chris to get Bob's NARA records, btw, so I could see exactly what he did in Korea).

As for rest? All I have to say is "Ew". Chris has serious issues that will prevent him from having a meaningful relationship. Part troll, mostly Chris right here. I honestly don't know if he'll ever be able to find a women who will put up with this weird stuff.

 

[slep]