Weeb Slinger
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2019
Day 12: The Merge
I awoke with boneless
blue noodle arms;
white-gloved hands
bulging with fingers.
I telephoned Chris
with the news.
“Your arms should be
tan colour,” he said.
“They should not
be blue.”
“I know,” I replied.
“But what do I do?”
He thought for a
while, then said:
“I denounce you.”
So began the maudlin
East-European ballad
of Soninull - haunted,
forever and a day,
by sad accordion music
and balalaika, despondently
strummed by a man whose
moustache is a peat bog
of his tears.
No longer permitted to grace
the online premises of
respectable Ukrainian banks.
No longer invited
to Doctor Eggman's
exhibitions of tasteful
nude photography
that cannot be
shown in
Western Europe.
Issued spurious fines
by sarcastic traffic cops
for speeding in Serbia's
Green Hill Zone.
“Ladies and Gentlemen
of the House:
You have asked me -
Can I break the
sound barrier?...
“...Unfortunately, I cannot.
I move around at normal
human pace.”
“Do I have a cool
mohawk-mane of blue hair
like an early 1980s UK popstar?...
“...As the assembled
congressmen and women
can see, my haircut is
sensible and in accordance
with the strict uniform codes
of my profession, which
has been my family's trade
for over 600 years.”
“What then do you bring
to our proud Socialist
Collective of Kantomerica,
Soninull San?...” enquires
vice chairperson Girakamala.
“...You who have
no children whose
fragrant hair you
might offer up
to Koopa-Biden.”
“I am living proof
that a man with
blue arms can run
a web forum that is
regarded by many
as a festering carbunkle
on the otherwise flawless,
peach-toned skin
of the Internet,”
I reply.
Everybody claps at
my awesome speech.
Sensing defeat,
Girakamala
leaps diagonally
into the air
to fight me.
When I do
nothing to
arrest her
upward
momentum,
she explodes
through the
domed roof
at seven
miles a second
and self-immolates
in the burning eye
of the sun.
“I find the defendant Soninull un-guilty,”
announces the Speaker of the House
as he throws down his Poké Ball
which detonates, filling the chamber
with shock and awe.
Chris calls me
on the payphone
outside the chamber.
Apparently it has
been ringing non-stop
for weeks.
“It was a false merge...”
he concedes.
“...The real merge occurred
in 2001, when Chris Cornell
from Soundgarden,
joined members of
Rage Against the Machine
to form Audioslave.
It was right there in
front of us, all along.”
“Hi, I'm Tom Hanks,”
says Tom Hanks,
offering me his hand.
“For overly fact-checked
reasons, I am now
a citizen of Greece.
I would like to play you
in a film of your life story.”
“Don't pick Hanks,”
Says the actor,
Tom Hardy,
who is also there.
“He'll use CGI to
make his arms look
blue. I'm a madman
who will permanently
dye my arms
for the role.”
“Gentlemen,” I announce.
“I am going home to have
sexual relations with my wife,
Princess Peachprower, who
now has a fox's tail,
poking out through
the back of her
pink ballgown.
I stand on the steps of congress
before the expectant crowds
brandishing their
'Soninull for President of the Merge' signs,
and raise my skinny blue arms
above my head
in a victory pose
like god damn Rockychu.
I awoke with boneless
blue noodle arms;
white-gloved hands
bulging with fingers.
I telephoned Chris
with the news.
“Your arms should be
tan colour,” he said.
“They should not
be blue.”
“I know,” I replied.
“But what do I do?”
He thought for a
while, then said:
“I denounce you.”
So began the maudlin
East-European ballad
of Soninull - haunted,
forever and a day,
by sad accordion music
and balalaika, despondently
strummed by a man whose
moustache is a peat bog
of his tears.
No longer permitted to grace
the online premises of
respectable Ukrainian banks.
No longer invited
to Doctor Eggman's
exhibitions of tasteful
nude photography
that cannot be
shown in
Western Europe.
Issued spurious fines
by sarcastic traffic cops
for speeding in Serbia's
Green Hill Zone.
“Ladies and Gentlemen
of the House:
You have asked me -
Can I break the
sound barrier?...
“...Unfortunately, I cannot.
I move around at normal
human pace.”
“Do I have a cool
mohawk-mane of blue hair
like an early 1980s UK popstar?...
“...As the assembled
congressmen and women
can see, my haircut is
sensible and in accordance
with the strict uniform codes
of my profession, which
has been my family's trade
for over 600 years.”
“What then do you bring
to our proud Socialist
Collective of Kantomerica,
Soninull San?...” enquires
vice chairperson Girakamala.
“...You who have
no children whose
fragrant hair you
might offer up
to Koopa-Biden.”
“I am living proof
that a man with
blue arms can run
a web forum that is
regarded by many
as a festering carbunkle
on the otherwise flawless,
peach-toned skin
of the Internet,”
I reply.
Everybody claps at
my awesome speech.
Sensing defeat,
Girakamala
leaps diagonally
into the air
to fight me.
When I do
nothing to
arrest her
upward
momentum,
she explodes
through the
domed roof
at seven
miles a second
and self-immolates
in the burning eye
of the sun.
“I find the defendant Soninull un-guilty,”
announces the Speaker of the House
as he throws down his Poké Ball
which detonates, filling the chamber
with shock and awe.
Chris calls me
on the payphone
outside the chamber.
Apparently it has
been ringing non-stop
for weeks.
“It was a false merge...”
he concedes.
“...The real merge occurred
in 2001, when Chris Cornell
from Soundgarden,
joined members of
Rage Against the Machine
to form Audioslave.
It was right there in
front of us, all along.”
“Hi, I'm Tom Hanks,”
says Tom Hanks,
offering me his hand.
“For overly fact-checked
reasons, I am now
a citizen of Greece.
I would like to play you
in a film of your life story.”
“Don't pick Hanks,”
Says the actor,
Tom Hardy,
who is also there.
“He'll use CGI to
make his arms look
blue. I'm a madman
who will permanently
dye my arms
for the role.”
“Gentlemen,” I announce.
“I am going home to have
sexual relations with my wife,
Princess Peachprower, who
now has a fox's tail,
poking out through
the back of her
pink ballgown.
I stand on the steps of congress
before the expectant crowds
brandishing their
'Soninull for President of the Merge' signs,
and raise my skinny blue arms
above my head
in a victory pose
like god damn Rockychu.
