Hi, folks.
I decided to take a crack at transliterating Jon Sweet's TV Ratings post. I tried to preserve the spelling, grammar, and punctuation as best I could, though I was a little iffy with the commas sometimes. Text that was struck through actually appeared that way in the original piece. I present it here without commentary. I'd like to know what you think before I add my own thoughts. If anybody knows where we can get a transcript of the SNL sketch for comparison, I'll gladly add it here.
I know this is a funny (as in weird) thing to say as a mod, but if this has already been posted or linked to, go ahead and tell me and I'll pull it down.
For now, the text:
TV RATING SYSTEM
In the beginning it was ratings for movies. It started with the basics: G for general audiences, PG meant that parents had to accompany their kids to the theaters, R meant that anyone under sixteen was not admitted, and X, of course, meant strictly adult. No kids were allowed in the theater, and they had no choice but to either sneak in through the back door, rent the video, or catch the movie on cable.
Then came NC-17 – no children under 17 admitted. “Showgirls,” with Elizabeth Berkely, was the first big-screen NC-17 movies. This rating caused problems, however. For example, Spike Lee’s “Malcom X” became “Malcom NC-17,” and Stan Lee’s X-Men became the NC-17 men. The jury is still out, though, on “The X-Files,” Ex-Lax, and the Exxon Valdez.
But now we have these fancy new TV ratings to deal with. There’s TV-Y for children under seven, TV-Y7 for children 7 and up, TV-G for family audiences, TV-PG for more mature audiences, and TV-14, which means send the kids and all dogs under two out of the room. And then there’s TV-M, for “mature audiences” – the one they don’t even talk about.
However, I don’t think just these five ratings alone cut it – so in the age-old liberal tradition of making the simple complicated, I offer a few more useful TV ratings for families across the Fruited Plain.
(1) TV-TC/WBC. Means “Too Cerebral/Will Be Cancelled”. Shows like “Nowhere Man,” “VR-5,” “Strange Luck,” and “The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.”, which were too highbrow for intellectually-deprived audiences who prefer- [cuts off]
(2) TV-RTC/WBC. “Replaced shows that were TC/WBC. Should appear on insipid shows like “Moesha,” “Homeboys in Outer Space,” and the entire “Back-to-Back Monday’ lineup.
(3) TV-BS. Just what it sounds like. Used for programming thatis a little too liberal. Also good for televised Senate hearings when the Democrats have the floor and for President Clinton’s state of the union show.
(4) TV-B. Means the show has an all-or-mostly-black cast. Will be used for programs like “The Cosby Show,” “A Different World,” the new fall lineup on UPN, and my personal favorites, “Cops” and “America’s Most Wanted”.
(5) TV-ACBD. Stands for “Ages Can Be Deceiving.” Should be on TV shows like “Beverly Hills 90210,” “Melrose Place,” and “Saved by the Bell,” in which 50-year-old actors play high school-or college- age kids.
(6) TV-VC. Stands for “Vicious Circle”. This program features an actor who got his start in TV, and did a few one-star movies, and is now back on TV again. In six weeks, when his show is cancelled, he’ll be back to pumping gas.
(7)TV-S&L. Should be used for any programming created by Hiam Saban and Shuki Levy, i.e. “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers,” “V.R. Troopers,” “Masked Rider”, and “Big bad Beetleborgs.” Parents strongly cautioned to turn off the TV or turn on something else, as TV-SL programs can cause brain damage in younger viewers.
What puzzles me is this: Who writes these things, and how do they decide which shows are TV-Y, TV-Y7, TV-G, TV-PG, or TV 14? Is it a complicated, scientific method involving teams of researchers collecting data, cross-referencing it with data from other researchers, then using algebra, calculus and complex mathematical equations to arrive at these figures, or is it just some joker throwing darts with ratings written on them into a Nielsen ratings dartboard?
I mean, how can the Three Stooges be rated G when Moe keeps poking Larry in the eyes or running a hacksaw across Curly’s head? Or why is “The X-Files” only a PG and not a [?] when a couple of weeks ago they had cross-dressing brain-eating bisexual interracial body piercing bug-eyed pig-eared biker punk alien mutants doing the Macarena with the Cancer Man?
And what in blazes is this V-chip I keep hearing about? Seems Ernest “Fritz” Hollings (Dem-SC) – who sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn – is all for it, whatever it is. From what I hear, you put it into your TV set, and it takes out all the violence you don’t want your kids to see. (Dang. There go the Three Stooges.)/ My question is, where do you put it in, and how? Does it drop in there like a coin in a vending machine, or do I have to go out and buy a couple of new TVs to get one of those fancy-butt V-chips installed? How much are V-chips they? Can I buy them in a little bag for 99¢ at the convenience store? Are they good with bean dip?
The whole TV ratings thing sound to me like another liberal plot to limit our freedom and tell us what we can and cannot watch, or do, or say. Some liberals are trying to tell us how to raise our kids; the think we’re so dang stupid we can’t decide for ourselves what our kids can or can’t watch and what is or isn’t appropriate. And if we let them get away with it, they’ll keep on robbing us of our freedoms slowly but surely. Already we spend four month’s worth of our wages on income tax and can’t walk through the streets at night for fear of the criminal element – when does the hurting stop?
[unreadable note, “See carber p”]
The following text was written at the bottom of the first page of the piece.
Now, somebody please explain this whole TV ratings and V-chip thing to me. But not right now. “Pinky and the Brain” is coming on.
