How do you overcome shame? - Is it even possible?

[rel=alternate]

If I am being honest with myself, a big source of my depression is linked with shame and my inability to deal with it. No matter how trivial in absolute.

In some ways, it fuels to me to compensate (which is a net benefit), but holds me back in other ways. Like the ones that matter in life.

It's nothing crazy either, I am no tranny of furry. It's just that I can't look back, without having the urge to dive into something else so I can forget and feel good about what I am doing right now.

I made mistakes in my youth, and moved really far away from it. But in some ways, I am still bearing guilt. The shame follows me around.

 

[dick brain]

You could check out CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. I haven't finished it yet but it talks a lot about shame so far.

 

[pork and beans]

i doubt you should let shame negatively impact you. Think the thought and move on

honestly I think the problem is that sometimes one can feel shame around things that aren’t even remotely shameful, feeling shame in normal situations or without having done anything at all. It’s very irrational, so rationalizing it doesn’t do much. I imagine op already knows the the solution is in fact moving on but that’s harder to do than it is to say.


especially since he does mention old memories more than ten year old long. If you as a kid felt shamed around or humiliated for no particular reason youre gonna develop some sort of response. maybe what was just teasing had a deeper impact.
Of course thats very different from something like cringing from an old embarrassing memory and stuff like that. Or shame and regret after having done something bad.

but yeah moving on is the ideal

 

[Doctor Professor Timon]

Accept I fucked up, move along. Don't repeat the same thing expecting a different result.

Otherwise, if it's people, I follow the following philosophy:
1. Are you currently riding my dick in a literal sense?
2. Are you paying my bills?
3. Are you responsible for my employment?
4. Are you a friend who's opinion I value?

If all 4 are no, then I don't give a fuck about shaming language, tactics, or behavior. I'm me, fuckin' deal with it.

 

[Huh what?]

The way I deal with it is to accept the fact that shame and embarrassment is a natural part of life (at least for most people.) People WILL laugh and make fun of you. You WILL do cringeworthy and embarrassing things. We all do, and there's no getting out of it. Nowhere to run and hide. No matter what you learn or what kind of people you hang out with, it's going to happen eventually. And you know what? That's OK. Just remember that for everyone who laughs at you, someone else is laughing at them, and they are the butt of someone else's joke. Never run away from your problems and assume things will just get better without doing anything. You have to keep going and put yourself out there knowing that sometimes you will fail. That's the only way your situation can improve. And before you know it, you'll have moved on with your life.

 

[I'm Really Feeling It]

 

[Spud]

Just stop caring, it's all you have to do. It's a rough start but put in the work and the results will pay dividends.

 

[DiggieSmalls]

honestly I think the problem is that sometimes one can feel shame around things that aren’t even remotely shameful, feeling shame in normal situations or without having done anything at all. It’s very irrational, so rationalizing it doesn’t do much. I imagine op already knows the the solution is in fact moving on but that’s harder to do than it is to say.


especially since he does mention old memories more than ten year old long. If you as a kid felt shamed around or humiliated for no particular reason youre gonna develop some sort of response. maybe what was just teasing had a deeper impact.
Of course thats very different from something like cringing from an old embarrassing memory and stuff like that. Or shame and regret after having done something bad.

but yeah moving on is the ideal

Its usually that. I feel shame over stupid things I did when I was younger. Ridiculous things that no one but me remembers. And I think the thought, feel the feels and then move on with my day. It really does me no good to dwell on these things or let them affect me.

 

[Rozzy]

I have no shame to overcome.

 

[Gangstalker #32194]

Shame is good for you and it makes you learn from your mistakes and try to be a better person. People without shame tend to have something wrong with them.

 

[polar bear]

Being ashamed is a good thing, it's not pleasant but it's good, shows that you have understanding of what is right and what is wrong. Those three seconds when you roll your eyes at the memory of you being cringe or retarded or hurtful towards others - i think that's okay, we all have those moments. Feelings are just feelings, they pass.
But once you stop controlling what your brain is spitting out - and give in to negative feelings and thoughts, and keep thinking about how you feel and then have feelings about your thoughts about your feelings, and just getting stuck in your own head - you are making yourself even more retarded. So when you realize you start ruminating again - mock that brain bitch. Laugh at that part of you that tries to keep you subdued and unhappy for whatever reason.
Crying and feeling sorry for yourself will make you worse and a loser. Being angry and self-destructive will harm you and the people around you. So what's left? Laughter. Laugh at the absurdity of you crying over something you can't change anymore. Laugh at the fact that some nasty, dark part of you is attempting to take charge of everything - your memories, feelings, behaviours. Draw a funny caricature of it if you're into art. Laugh at the fact that inside of you, there is some nasty greasy little troll, that comes out of hiding to pester you at the most inconvenient moments. By laughing at it, you can separate yourself from it emotionally. It's just a part of you, but not the whole of you.
Don't believe everything you think and all that.

 

[dick brain]

I have no shame to overcome.

We know.

 

[rel=alternate]

Full disclosure: I was hammered when I made this thread. It's pretty much the only time I get to be in touch with my emotions it seems. Hence why it took me some time to get back to it.

Anyway, I'll try to address a couple points

It depends on what you feel shame for, who you hurt that is causing the shame, and how you can try to make it better

It's a mixed bag. Hurting people and hurting people I love in the process is a pretty good sum up.

Most of it public in a way where people talk and your relatives will hear about you. it's a big part of it. Court is another.

Which is another way of saying: I believe in God. Cause if there is no God, there is no shame.

Heavy disagree. I don't need to have a Damocles sword above me to know when I fucked up.

When you get a life of your own, you start to relativize and understand people are just people, and most do as they are told. There are obviously exceptions, but that's the overwhelming majority. How could you even accept yourself if you did not believe in this very idea?

I despise people who are religious good sayers before they are helpers. It takes one to know one. Good intentions alone won't get you nowhere. You don't need a religion to have your heart and mind in the right place. And I've seen tons of fucking scary religious people.

In a messed up way be happy that you can acknowledge these emotions

In a way I am. But yeah, I am a very hard person IRL. Just sometimes I pour my heart out here, because there is no other real place I can do so.

honestly I think the problem is that sometimes one can feel shame around things that aren’t even remotely shameful,

Very true. And I can absolutely relate to this. Although when you have actual reason to be ashamed of something it does make it worse.

But it might also be a catalyst of some kind. As far as I can remember, shame has been following me.

 

[sallowhal]

i remind myself that in the moment it is bothering me, chances are i am literally the only person on the entire planet who is thinking about it or caring about it. putting it in that perspective helps.

 

[rel=alternate]

i remind myself that in the moment it is bothering me, chances are i am literally the only person on the entire planet who is thinking about it or caring about it. putting it in that perspective helps.

It feels like cheating in a way. But that's an interesting perspective. Not sure it will work, but I'll give it a try. I don't have high hopes though.

I actually used to be really big into putting everything into perspective, mostly for the wrong reasons. I still am.

This kind of brings me back actually. My whole personality was built around the fact that there was always a different perspective to something. Anything could be justified. It's a slippery sloop.

But I am not the only one who cares unfortunately. Sometimes, there is no way to put back what you broke. Pretending you're the only one it affects does not help.

 

[Alex Hogendorp]

Remind yourself that @SamanthaPrater and 03bgood exists. These people are so lazy, retarded and achieved very little in life. That's what I do when I end up getting low self esteem. Embracing stoicism also helps. If you do try, it's more gratifying. I don't know when I'd be fluent in Spanish but I get ecstatic when I do get the hang of it.

 

[The handsome tard]

Shame is not necessarily a bad thing. Our society is as fucked as it is today because shame in people has been going away.
With that said, try to work within yourself a way to deal with such inner demons.

 

[Ruined by the Rain]

Accept that you can't go back in time to fix it and move on. I accept that what I did was very bad, but no way I'm paying for those crimes.

Remind yourself that @SamanthaPrater and 03bgood exists. These people are so lazy, retarded and achieved very little in life. That's what I do when I end up getting low self esteem. Embracing stoicism also helps. If you do try, it's more gratifying. I don't know when I'd be fluent in Spanish but I get ecstatic when I do get the hang of it.

Ah yes, when I was a teen I used to tell myself at least I'm not a drug addict.