How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Getmeout said:
I had a thought last night. I thought about what @PetiteFeet said about doing whatever you want and whatever makes you happy, and I kinda realized... Ya, that just makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, self-sacrifice is always a good thing, sacrificing what makes you happy to make others happy is virtuous... But what's the point when it DOESN'T make others happy? What's the point when, in fact, it makes the people around you unhappy cause you're grumpy and pissy all the time worrying about conforming to what you think a 20 yr old woman should be.

I feel like us humans innately want what's best for us, whilst we crave what's bad for us. Want is different than crave, to crave is when you don't actually want it but you have this weird compulsive need for it. I think I want happiness, but crave social validation. My want contradicts with the craving, cause my happiness consists of a lot of things looked down on by society. Nothing immoral, just things considered "Childish", "Cringey", and/or "Autistic".

But life is so short, and that short amount of time could be spent happy if I just pursued my wants without shame. The fear comes in again, that if I do so, I'll have no one to be near and no one will like me. But it's like Petite said, "Any friend willing to break it off with you cause you like MLP or whatever is not a friend worth keeping".

I think... Today... I'm gonna bake a cake, mess with my Littlest Pet Shops, and ramble about object shows with friends. It makes me happy and I think a happy Getmeout is a lot easier to be around than a repressed pissy one.

Aside from this long screed, I woke up with a headache today. I suspect it's from me eating near nothing yesterday, so I'll eat a bit more today.
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Maybe I had you figured wrong. There's hope for you yet. Stay on the meds. Stay with what keeps you centered. Fuck what society says about those things.

And keep those eating schedules routine. Body will naturally get pissy with yo-yoing and when the body gets pissy, the brain'll follow.

I'm going to try to do a bit of a mental purge of lolcow type slop for a bit, just to level out. Time for a more healthy slop indulgence; prison and mental institution documentaries.
 
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I think I should kill myself or should have long ago before my dad did. I'm a fucking piece of shit that can't be fixed. I'm the same as I ever was. No matter how well I'm doing in life it'll always haunt me. I'm too autistic to function without medicine and too zombified on medicine to be myself. But my self is a piece of fucking shit who ruins everything. It's no wonder most of us die by our 50s slashing ourselves to death.

I ruin everything good that happened to me. And I squandered all my chances when I was a teen, and I was a hell child who knew nothing about how hard my family really tried for me. Maybe I was always doomed from the womb. I don't think I've grown at all. My fucking physical growth is owed to fucking growth hormone shots I took when I was a kid because I had fucking dwarfism.

What a nice metaphor for the story of my fucking life.
I'm one of the biggest phonies on this site. And I hate phonies. Maybe I'll make my own lolcow thread before I die.

I've graduated, I've drank, I've done drugs (just thc once or twice in life), I've had sex and I have nothing to show for it. My whole life is fucking wasted potential. And I don't know where it's heading. But it doesn't look good at the moment despite my best efforts. And it doesn't sound like it but they really are my best efforts. I'm tired. And I might be losing people I care about a lot. Again. Way to go, me.


This place is the only fucking place ever where I can express myself mostly. I can't even express myself in life, its always masking. My dad said everyone does that but I don't know. It feels like an autistic curse. You're told to be yourself but if you're too abrasive you're done for. Cause no one wants to be around that. No one wants to be around someone who's different from the rest in a bad way. And that's me. I'm the literal redheaded stepchild. I try to be like the others. And I can't. It's all for nothing. No one will ever love or understand the real me, maybe aside from one hopefully. And if they did they'd fucking laugh about it like I have, it's so absurd.

I've drifted away from my family despite trying to keep in touch. It's like they're ghosts now. I guess that comes with being an adult. It's like my dad dying but slower and more painful.


And I have nowhere else to talk, no one else to talk to. This is the last logical place to come. But, I may as well share my pain. I'm a fucking failure as a son, a failure as a boyfriend, a failure as an older brother, and maybe only a success at a grandson. And I could have been better. If I just stepped up to the plate when I needed to. Don't be like me if you're younger than me or still have those visible chances. You only get one. And the more you piss away, the more hollow you'll become.
 
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I was trying to keep my hands off this thread but after a week of not crying today was my breaking point.I am my biggest enemy and I'm so tired of this. I'm too much of a coward to fix my life or do anything with it, so I'm just lying whole days and my bed and feel sorry for myself, which isn't doing much for me. I want someone to slap me across the face and tell me that I am the asshole and should do something, but knowing myself, I will probably won't believe this person and be offended by it. I care about other's people opinions too much and at the same time don't care at all. I don't want to be this thread whiny bitch but. Ehh. I dont know.
 
Getting burnt out from work again. I suppose retail really is just the pinnacle of human misery, huh? Idk, something about the store and the people and my coworkers just really, really burn me out and I feel like going is an endurance test so I've been on the hunt for work elsewhere.

That aside, the entire payment system for my country is down, meaning that no one can use their cards for anything and it's been down since early morning, as some boomers complained at the store where I work.

So this evening, I went to the store after the company in charge announced it was up and running, but it's still down. Thought I could pay some of it in some change I got and then the rest over my credit card.

Got caught up in it and was asked to come back tomorrow for my stuff since the store took all my pocket change, and due to the system being down, they couldn't cancel my order so I could just pay in full over my card. Not that it would have mattered anyway, apparently.

I took it nicely because it's not the store's fault. It's my country's for deciding that one company should be in charge of all card processing in the country (and even outside of it, as people traveling got fucked too), so everyone is fucked out of luck when the system is down and the state puts out yet another new initiative to reduce physical currency by making certain coins and bills obsolete.

I feel really bad for the cashier, though. She's like 16, and she looked really stressed. I hope no one gives her shit for this. She's just doing her job and trying to stay calm, but she was panicking,
 
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(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I already overshare on here all the time. But there's weird shit everyone on here (and in reality) that are apart of them that they're not going to broadcast to the world.
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These kind of xenophobic 4chan-adjacent places are often the few worth powerleveling in. I see friends do "real talk" with their "friends" on Discord and they'll post a novel only to be replied with "aww" and alike.
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
I think I really just need to go apeshit just once on somebody. I'll probably be fired, but I won't be dealing with this shit anymore.
At a job where I'm disrespected, going back to a house where I'm not respected. You'd think this would make me not give a shit and just fucking say and do whatever, but somehow I'm too fucked to even have a proper breaking point.
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Not to celebrate your misery but man, I'm glad other people experience this. I left my old trustworthy coworkers behind to enter a new world, thus defenseless, told I'm doing wrong non-stop; having my memory questioned, even my objective rights contested. Had I been older and with a better career, I would've just gotten up and said "Bro tf are you on about?", but this was my one shot, so I had to bootlick a demented old hag. I basically forgot who I was or how I act normally. I'm proud that I quit.
Pat Niggerson said:
I understand completely. My job is very basic, but, like yourself, others my age in those positions have families and friends. I've never been a jealous man, but I can see that and just feel a longing for the same.
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Kids are the end-game to these people. They have two by 29; that's two liabilities and a life-long tie to a person who may snap day to next or ruin your income the next 10 years with child support. They could take half of what you own, destroying the finances you worked hard to build up for yourself. The reason women get hooked on breeding is because it's admirable to have kids and the ultimate goal for for the pink pilled femoids. Hobby? No, I got kids! Haha. Backpacking in Thailand? Sorry, got kids!

Likewise I know passionless, hobbyless guys with two cars and house by 27. They make bank, have a few 'friends' but generally aren't moving anywhere in life, but are comfortably progressing financially. Hell, one is a homo at that. There's no generational wealth. There's only the experiences they make before they hit the grave, and I imagine -that- is equally unraveling to them.
 
Spark the Electric Jester said:
The person I hurt is okay.
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Apologize to them, if it was an outburst. It can be hard to do it. But maybe admit yourself to a mental hospital afterwards especially if the suicidal feelings are there. You can probably also dodge jail time at the cost of being medicated.

I've been thinking of suicide after possibly losing my s/o to myself. Might do the same, maybe I belong in a nut hut.
 
So yeah the five+ years of not realizing I couldn't taste salt very well seems to have fairly permanent damage. I'll work to mitigate it as best as i can, but I'm just running out the clock at this point.
 
Hope springs eternal.*

Been a rough few weeks/ months/ calendar year, but I'm finally mentally moving against my resistance and against clinging to the things that have weighed me down.

*That's Alexander Pope, from An Essay on Man, and I highly recommend working through the four Epistles of it, even if just as an academic exercise.
 
I do not want to kill myself. Not today at least maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday night, I woke up at 3:13AM and then realized that I was not going to be able to go back to sleep. My attempt of forcing myself to go back to sleep triggered hypnagogia, which I didn't hate it so I did it again a few times, then I spent the rest of the night talking to AI about hypnagogia and DalÍ.

I managed to do two small workouts today and some stretching which I always forget to do until something is stiff.

I'm keeping busy reading, and learning new interesting things.

I've restarted French lessons, and my proficiency is at: basic conversational A2, which is still low but I have to start somewhere.
 
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