How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Pat Niggerson said:
This physical reaction has been constant for 8 days.
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Yeah you need to see the doc. Something a bit not right there. Hopefully it’s not physical, and sometimes you can have a bit of a breakdown and your body knocks you on your arse because your brain isnt listening to it.
Your ‘self’ or whatever you call it is telling you there’s something wrong and has made you stop and take note. Get all the physical checks, hopefully they’re ok, and then have a think about what’s going on and what you can change?
 
Otterly said:
Yeah you need to see the doc. Something a bit not right there. Hopefully it’s not physical, and sometimes you can have a bit of a breakdown and your body knocks you on your arse because your brain isnt listening to it.
Your ‘self’ or whatever you call it is telling you there’s something wrong and has made you stop and take note. Get all the physical checks, hopefully they’re ok, and then have a think about what’s going on and what you can change?
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That is the current course of action, yeah. It's also caused crying spells, but that only really happens when I reflect on interpersonal regrets. Between you and me I'm hoping it is physical so I can address it that way. Regardless of the outcome, this has terrified me into trying to change. When what was a mundane day turns into finding out the best way to max out cards into assets to leave my siblings, it gets scary.
 
I had a thought last night. I thought about what @PetiteFeet said about doing whatever you want and whatever makes you happy, and I kinda realized... Ya, that just makes sense, doesn't it? I mean, self-sacrifice is always a good thing, sacrificing what makes you happy to make others happy is virtuous... But what's the point when it DOESN'T make others happy? What's the point when, in fact, it makes the people around you unhappy cause you're grumpy and pissy all the time worrying about conforming to what you think a 20 yr old woman should be.

I feel like us humans innately want what's best for us, whilst we crave what's bad for us. Want is different than crave, to crave is when you don't actually want it but you have this weird compulsive need for it. I think I want happiness, but crave social validation. My want contradicts with the craving, cause my happiness consists of a lot of things looked down on by society. Nothing immoral, just things considered "Childish", "Cringey", and/or "Autistic".

But life is so short, and that short amount of time could be spent happy if I just pursued my wants without shame. The fear comes in again, that if I do so, I'll have no one to be near and no one will like me. But it's like Petite said, "Any friend willing to break it off with you cause you like MLP or whatever is not a friend worth keeping".

I think... Today... I'm gonna bake a cake, mess with my Littlest Pet Shops, and ramble about object shows with friends. It makes me happy and I think a happy Getmeout is a lot easier to be around than a repressed pissy one.

Aside from this long screed, I woke up with a headache today. I suspect it's from me eating near nothing yesterday, so I'll eat a bit more today.
 
I feel bad. Without powerleveling too much I've been friends with someone living in a third-world country, and since they (the person) have a very shitty financial situation I've been sending them money from time to time. Our relationship was strained over time but we updated each other on our lives and kept contact.

Recently they asked for money again, their child (which i know for sure is real, dont get any ideas) got very sick and they needed money for tests, so I tried to help. The problem was that my PayPal stopped working some time ago, and since it was the only way I could reliably send them money I couldn't do anything. I've contacted customer support, went to my bank, messaged my bank, called the bank hotline but I pretty much got back to square one again.

So I explained the situation and told them I can't help, and I've also updated them on my life because I've been going through some rough shit recently too. We've been on the rocks for some time now so I also said that I don't know if I want to keep talking to them. They said (some parts ommited) "Thanks for nothing, you give me hope only to snatch it away like this. I don't want to get involved in your life [because you dont want to], I reached out out of desperation. But thanks for nothing again. Take care, it was my fault for writing to you."

I got upset, I said that if they are going to insult me for trying to help them then we should finally cease all contact, because I cant send them any money anymore anyway. And then blocked them everywhere.

I don't know what to think about this. It was very important for them so they have a right to be upset, but, I don't know, maybe I overreacted. Maybe I could've done more. I'm a very emotional person so caring over them and their shitty life had a huge emotional toll on me, and that was the main reason I wanted to interact with them as little as possible for a long time. I've cried over them more times than I want to admit. I know I couldn't do anything to help but I still feel like a bad person. They aren't an asshole or anything, I genuinely feel sorry for them and the kid and I wish them the best. Shit sucks man.
 
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AspieNextDoor said:
I've been sending them money from time to time
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This is why you aren't supposed to feed the animals, they get dependent and potentially agressive and it ultimately gets them killed.
Still through, the moments of joy where you helped out made the journey worth it. This sounds like it was always going to be the inevitable destination of the relationship so I wouldn't focus too hard on negative feelings. If not now than later, and it would be even worse and cost you more money. People who ask for money don't ever stop asking for money and i'm sure you aren't the only one in their lives who have told them no.
 
I'm considering just unprivating everything so that you guys can laugh at my fucking corpse when it's finally ready to shine. You'll get to know who I really was, and everyone will be surprised, but happy I'm fucking dead, because with a life like this, who the fuck deserves the torture of existence
 
Spark the Electric Jester said:
I'm considering just unprivating everything so that you guys can laugh at my fucking corpse when it's finally ready to shine. You'll get to know who I really was, and everyone will be surprised, but happy I'm fucking dead, because with a life like this, who the fuck deserves the torture of existence
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How bad did you hurt someone? What happened?
 
I have no idea how to handle my job. Started off good, dude I knew got me onboard. Really simple, stress free work.

Well, the last week the same dude who trained me and got me in the door has been getting surreal. He's doing the whole "make fun of the new guy in front of the even newer guy" shit with me. I walked away from them one day and he got really pissed. He brought the incident up again the next day, again in front of the new guy and started cussing me out in the middle of the department, saying I was sensitive for walking away until eventually the manager had to pull him aside.
Today, had the same shit where the new trainee who's eager to fit in starts micromanaging me while I'm doing hard physical labor when they should be doing other shit. I just called him a backseat driver and the dude started getting huffy saying "who the fuck you think you talkin' to" (guess the race).
Well, on my way out I could swear I heard the dude say my name out and was joking with the manager. I kind of had a gamer moment and just went up and asked what they were saying. Everyone said they had no idea what I was talking about and eventually the manager starts shouting in the yard how I'm "pressing him" and everyone started laughing. Get a call back from the same dude who's been pulling this shit asking if I'm trying to get myself fired and kept going with saying I had a victim mentality, too serious and seeing shit that isn't there, screaming at me over the phone.

To be honest, maybe I did snap and hear something that wasn't there. Yeah, I didn't conduct myself the best. And I don't know how I'm going to deal with this from now on. But all this is looking kind of bad, honestly.
Guy newer than I am trying to make me his bitch. Getting bitched at multiple times for walking away from a shitty situation. Having the manager call the dude to tell him how much I pissed him off for being direct and asking what they said. Guess the race?
So yeah I don't know what else to do. I'm not leaving out of spite. But I think if I do think I'm gonna snap and just get into an altercation with somebody. I've tried the assertive shit, but I think I really just need to go apeshit just once on somebody. I'll probably be fired, but I won't be dealing with this shit anymore.
At a job where I'm disrespected, going back to a house where I'm not respected. You'd think this would make me not give a shit and just fucking say and do whatever, but somehow I'm too fucked to even have a proper breaking point.

Why is everybody insane?
 
Spark the Electric Jester said:
Such optimism. Friends who know everything about me agree that I'm not. Doesn't mean I agree.
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Well, seeing as you are still able to post online the police also seem to agree you aren't a monster. Spill the beans and vent if you think it will make you feel better. Sometimes keeping yourself occupied just gets the mind off it.
If it's serious you might want to call a lawyer or just someone you can talk to irl.
 
I need to put my mom in assisted living. Her minor fall (slipped off the edge of her bed and fell 18 in to land on her butt) resulted in a fractured pelvis. It was 5 weeks ago and she’s been walking using a frame instead of her usual cane but went to the ER on Saturday in too much pain to walk. She’s injured her right arm/shoulder from leaning too much onto the frame. So it’s awful. She should heal in a couple of months but she wasn’t getting better on twice weekly PT. I feel like I kicked a kitten. My anxiety is a living, crawling beast, worse than in years and I know hers must be much worse which sucks me into an empathy spiral. Sorry for being more stilted than usual. Why can’t I just go to bed and wake up in a week when the dust has settled?
 
Spark the Electric Jester said:
Such optimism. Friends who know everything about me agree that I'm not. Doesn't mean I agree.
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Honest truth my guy. I can't give you advice on what to do here but I can certainly tell you if you're wanting to die and have a bunch of skeletons in the closet, this might be the last place to post them.

A lot of us are empathetic and care as much as possible, but this site exists for a reason.
I already overshare on here all the time. But there's weird shit everyone on here (and in reality) that are apart of them that they're not going to broadcast to the world.
I'm imploring you, please consider the actual weight of discussing every dark aspect of your life on the Chris Chan forum.
We're here to help, but retarded shit is still retarded shit.
 
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
We've got free education so I could've basically picked finance or engineering or something worthwhile. I literally chose to be a fuck-up and I always avoid talking about my job because it's that lowly. I see old classmates work the register in a shoe shop yet their private life makes up for it; solo trips to africa, romance and all that. I've nothing. And yet I've also experienced enough that I recognize how easily you can join a community and become a somebody.
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I understand completely. My job is very basic, but, like yourself, others my age in those positions have families and friends. I've never been a jealous man, but I can see that and just feel a longing for the same.
 
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