How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[long waters]

This might be over. Everything that happened recently made me realize that I don't have future and my destiny is to be cashier at local store and nothing more. I don't know what to do after finishing my college degree because I have no academic skills, no social skills and the only thing I can do is draw mediocore pictures that wouldn't lend me to anything. And the sad thing is I pushed myself into this corner when I was younger and don't know if I even can fix anything now. My family always said that I will became something great and I'm sad I did not meet their expectations. I would do anything just to my life to be better but it's too late.
I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.

I think the bad thing here is that society is in such a way that being a cashier seems a bad thing to be and that you can barely afford to make a living off it let alone start a family and such. Any job that's worked diligently and honestly should be respected.
A friendly and charismatic cashier or clerk sometimes goes a really long way I think, there have been times when I've come back to a business because the people working the counter there are nice to me and maybe I felt like a sad lonely faggot too and talking to the clerk was my most meaningful in person social interaction that day.
I really admire people who can put on a smile and be nice to customers day after day. It's not something I think I could manage myself.

 

[BackToBack]

I think the bad thing here is that society is in such a way that being a cashier seems a bad thing to be and that you can barely afford to make a living off it let alone start a family and such. Any job that's worked diligently and honestly should be respected.
A friendly and charismatic cashier or clerk sometimes goes a really long way I think, there have been times when I've come back to a business because the people working the counter there are nice to me and maybe I felt like a sad lonely faggot too and talking to the clerk was my most meaningful in person social interaction that day.
I really admire people who can put on a smile and be nice to customers day after day. It's not something I think I could manage myself.

I agree with you, but sadly in reality most of the people will treat you as if you owe them something just simply by existing. I feel really bad for the ladies who work at alcohol-oriented stores and people they have to deal with.TMI: I had part-time job as a guy who gives people things they delivered and the amount of crazy people i had to face was enough for me for the rest of my life. I think I would rather be behead than work at this kind of job again.

 

[nycifer]

I really hate being that person, but I became that person anyways today. I was shouting and escalating issues with online agents and support people all day today. I'm just up to my neck in bullshit tolerance after dealing with an otherwise awfully shitty week at work with no optimism for next week.

And I felt like that sometimes, being the nice and kind person will just turn you into a rug, metaphorically speaking, for people to walk all over you. Sometimes, you have to be a dick in order for those to listen and to get shit done. Being nice and kind for me, has never worked out well, I had to always turn into the entitled, intolerant and attitude-infested version of myself to get people to listen and do shit.

Whenever I'm nice and kind, people don't listen, don't care and treat me as a pushover. Fuck that.

 

[Betonhaus]

I think I caught a cold and I'm not sure how. biggest source of plausibility is the lunch buffet at the grocery store which is concerning.
Or it could be that I forgot to take my weekly injected med for a couple days

 

[Candlelight Desolation]

I don't think I hate myself. It's just that if I was to die today I would burn in hell and I don't think most people would even disagree.

This is a PL but I spent all my teenage years being a junkie and while I don't want to spell out the logistics you can probably figure. Now I'm sober and have my own apartment, a non-soul-destroying job, and I guess I feel fine apart from there being a hole in my heart. I kinda feel like a convict who has walked out of a prison, after having spent most of his life there, who doesn't know what to do with the real world.

I know that my past has made me jaded and bitter and I try to counteract that by being optimistic and nice to say my coworkers, but I think it will never be enough to counteract everything I have seen and done. I know what I deserve.

there's no way out

There is a way out in truth:



I am so jaded and numb to what I see in the physical world - worldly politics and things come and go, but the Kingdom of Heaven is eternal. Have been back in the Lord for a few years now (going on my third year after being backslidden for eight years), and the more I spiritually grow the more I see how people get fooled by these tribalistic political movements, for example. A lot of people use Christianity as salad dressing for their politics, and this makes people hate Christianity/the Bible given no other religion is used to pull in brownie points like mine is while the people act like hypocrites.

The qualified aren't called, Christ qualifies the called. I was actually talking to a relative about this recently, and while a politician may want you to "hitch your wagon" to something "bigger than yourself" regardless of what their views are, I ultimately did join to something ETERNALLY greater than myself.

 

[Mysterious Figure]

This might be over. Everything that happened recently made me realize that I don't have future and my destiny is to be cashier at local store and nothing more. I don't know what to do after finishing my college degree because I have no academic skills, no social skills and the only thing I can do is draw mediocore pictures that wouldn't lend me to anything. And the sad thing is I pushed myself into this corner when I was younger and don't know if I even can fix anything now. My family always said that I will became something great and I'm sad I did not meet their expectations. I would do anything just to my life to be better but it's too late.
I'm thinking to maybe make my own art blog, but again, I'm not that interesting for anyone to follow me. Maybe I just want to met new people through it.
I'm a sad lonely faggot and here's some embarrassing info about me please don't bully me!

Maybe you could get an internship somewhere. Employers like work experience.

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

Too tired and too unmotivated.
[vent post]

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Have you tried reading more? And both of you; alcohol needed as social lubricant is a danger sign - keep an eye on what you drink.

Reading more was my main thought. And yes, I have mostly cut alcohol out of my system save for two days recently. I don't want to become completely straight laced because I really do enjoy drinking and smoking (tobacco). To me it's a sign of me dulling my reading and vocab over the years but also just a lot of anxiety (which is mostly backed by reality).

Spoiler: Well guys, more women thoughts

I actually had a really good day. Decided I've tortured myself enough recently and just decided to have fun myself. Went out and got a lot done. Saw a wonderful town that felt like it was right out of the 50s. Watched some truly classic films at the theater.
There was just one thing that has weighed on me, and it wasn't even a bad thing. It was quite good, honestly.
(Don't judge, I'm not a simp all the time) I gave a woman a rose just on a whim. She didn't run away in horror, she struck up a conversation with me and had me walk with her for about ten minutes around this lovely town center. Now, that's cool and all. So what's the issue.
We got to where she was parked and... I just kind of awkwardly dismissed myself and bid her a good day. Now, sometimes a conversation is just a conversation, and you shouldn't try to make a moment anything more than a moment. But I had this existential dread looking back on it throughout the day. She was asking me how long I was in town, she knew I was coming back into town the next day, based around how I introduced myself I'm pretty sure she could read some subtext of what this could turn into, and she didn't seem against that either.
But I spilled my spaghetti and just was too terrified of setting myself up for failure that I didn't just take the initiative. I think years of #metoo and taking hyper-cautious/hyper-judgemental advice from the more cynical places online have fried my brain to where I'm so anxious about doing the wrong thing that I don't anything at all.
And of course the biggest issue is... maybe that was the right call. Maybe someone was just being a friendly stranger and it was a nice encounter on a warm day and that's all it was. Or maybe I completely sold myself short of something better. I'll never know.
Overall it was a really beautiful day. And I really think that was a wonderful memory. To me those are some of the more painful ones. The people that you'll only meet once, that you end up going back to every now and then and truly wanting that memory to become memories. Thinking of scenarios and histories where things happened differently. Thinking of the possibilities you'll never see for no other reason than you didn't let them spring out. And sometimes it might be for the best because that's all it was meant to be.
This wasn't the most beautiful woman I've ever met or anything like that. But it was a nice breath of reality.
That as well as a couple other encounters today just reminded me that I could socialize like anybody else and be fine. It was just a very real reminder to me that I really sometimes am my own worst enemy in thinking what I'm allowed/should do or what I am/am not worthy of. A very bullet to the head message that maybe taking what a bunch of misandrists/misogynists have said for the last 10 years as a way to navigate life probably isn't beneficial to me.

Lovely, memorable, bittersweet day overall.