How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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AnOminous said:
God will do to me what needs to be done. Maybe it will be punishment. Maybe it will be atonement.

It will be what I deserve. I'll just have to accept it.
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I'm afraid you're going to force me to quote CS Lewis here.

"Are the gods not just?"
"Oh no, child. What would become of us if they were?"

God never gives us what we deserve. If he did, we'd be dead already. The world often falls below justice, but God always goes beyond it. The God who died for his creation erases our sins, and forgets our transgressions. God's wrath has a limit, but his love and mercy are infinite.

None of this had made me less afraid of death, but maybe it will help somebody.
 
I hate being awkward in my speech mannerisms. I feel like my vocabulary used to be much wider, but now in conversations I end up trying to look for the right words or most elegant way to phrase an idea but can't find it so I look like a buffering retard half the time. Funny enough, this doesn't happen with strangers at all. I can be a conversationalist and happily engage people on the fly very easily. It's only with people I happen to know or with subjects I actually care about.
I hate blanking like that. Probably a weird mix of anxiety plus not reading or engaging with heavier things as much as I should be.
Also fun how all of this goes away the second I have alcohol in my system. I become a natural linguist who can very easily entertain people when I'm drunk. Trying to stay sober out of some misplaced masochism though, just so I can prove to myself I actually function as a non-retard without it.
I hate my brain being mush half the time. I hate feeling stuck and awkward a good deal without any backbone, especially knowing people can see that and dig in on that fact, which just makes the issue a perpetual spiral.
I know the answer is just "don't do that", but yeah I feel kind of permanently fucked when it comes to having any sense of assertiveness/gift of gab half the time and it's really fucking killing me.
 
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
Start now, mate. Don't even think about the friendship and where it's going. Do something for yourself. Easier said then done but truly I implore you to do it.
I've made a lot of mistakes, but the single biggest regret in my life was that I spent so many years (still do) trying to socialize with people and be that normal guy instead of working towards my dreams.

I promise you if you actually fully commit to one or two things that give you some artistic fulfillment, you WILL find those people. And they will usually be way better friends than just people in a fandom who like the same things as you. A lot of amazing filmmakers and writers met their wives through their fields. You'll make those connections if you just truly trust yourself and do the damn things.
I'm not saying it's easy. But some of your posts remind me a little of myself and you seem young. I really think you should go for it. Even if you don't publish that stuff anywhere, you'll just be in a zone when you're working on something you're really good at.
Please, please work towards those things my pal.
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I really appreciate these words, especially from someone who had similar experience.
I just don't want to start new acquaintances if I already have someone to talk to. I get tired of talking to more than one person very easily, for some reason. But I think I might just go for it if I won't have one bazillion excuses why I shouldn't do it and then forget about it. I hate how my brain works sometimes.
 
Trying to take up a hobby in baking foods like bread and cookies, working on losing weight, struggling with shattered confidence because of people I used to associate with online, and otherwise just trying to stop being so anxious over people who I realistically shouldn't care about.
 
I'm trying to lose weight for an event but it's hard. I'm not allowed to weigh myself due to my past with EDs, so I just gotta tell by the mirror, and it's pissing me off that I'm not noticing a massive difference yet. I don't even know if there IS a difference, and I've been eating literally butt nothing.

My strat is essentially I'll let myself eat like I'm in my ED, but not think like I'm in my ED. Cause that was really what made it hell, the way I thought, the constant self hate, the constant obsessing, the constant doomscrolling /fph/. None of that anymore, I literally can't. Like I just can't, I will actually snap if I do. I wouldn't wish that life on my worst enemy.
 
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