How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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AnOminous said:
God will do to me what needs to be done. Maybe it will be punishment. Maybe it will be atonement.

It will be what I deserve. I'll just have to accept it.
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I'm afraid you're going to force me to quote CS Lewis here.

"Are the gods not just?"
"Oh no, child. What would become of us if they were?"

God never gives us what we deserve. If he did, we'd be dead already. The world often falls below justice, but God always goes beyond it. The God who died for his creation erases our sins, and forgets our transgressions. God's wrath has a limit, but his love and mercy are infinite.

None of this had made me less afraid of death, but maybe it will help somebody.
 
I hate being awkward in my speech mannerisms. I feel like my vocabulary used to be much wider, but now in conversations I end up trying to look for the right words or most elegant way to phrase an idea but can't find it so I look like a buffering retard half the time. Funny enough, this doesn't happen with strangers at all. I can be a conversationalist and happily engage people on the fly very easily. It's only with people I happen to know or with subjects I actually care about.
I hate blanking like that. Probably a weird mix of anxiety plus not reading or engaging with heavier things as much as I should be.
Also fun how all of this goes away the second I have alcohol in my system. I become a natural linguist who can very easily entertain people when I'm drunk. Trying to stay sober out of some misplaced masochism though, just so I can prove to myself I actually function as a non-retard without it.
I hate my brain being mush half the time. I hate feeling stuck and awkward a good deal without any backbone, especially knowing people can see that and dig in on that fact, which just makes the issue a perpetual spiral.
I know the answer is just "don't do that", but yeah I feel kind of permanently fucked when it comes to having any sense of assertiveness/gift of gab half the time and it's really fucking killing me.
 
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