How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I haven't been on this site for months nor have I been actively engaging with the rest of the internet including social media. This decade for me has been the equivalent to Grandpa Simpson throwing his hand at a cloud except it's me getting pissed off at all the stupid shit that's been happening.

I know I shouldn't do that but there's not much else in real life to distract me either. A lot of reality reminds me of the internet, especially people wanting stuff to look fun so they can post it on social media. Life itself has become an inauthentic shadow of itself and I feel like I'm losing it just holding on to outdated ideals of integrity and character.

I keep losing people on the clearnet, even if I never do anything. They don't tell me why they're doing it, they just act like nothing I did mattered like I was an evil person or something. All this ghosting has left me angry all the time to the point where I'm close to rock bottom. Not even weed and psychiatric medicine have been effective at keeping me stable.

Even looking and posting on Kiwi Farms hasn't felt satisfying cause I'm looking at internet people doing this stupid ass shit as if it mattered. Yeah I do post in some lolcow threads but it hasn't provided me joy since the lolcows keep doing the same shit and I'm getting tired of having the same response.

I really want some motivation or a purpose to keep me living, right now I have none and haven't really engaged in hobbies as much due to the fear of how people will treat me as time goes on. I used to enjoy coding PHP, now I'm struggling to get back to it.

I still feel the desire to matter in life, I just don't know if I'll be able to do so.
 
Hypercop said:
I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary.
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I think similar to @long waters on this - that it means everything is a process. Nothing lasts forever and everything changes.
Time and the hour run through the darkest day.
That means that there is hope for things changing in the future. It also means we too are temporary.
See! There’s an existence that couldn’t hold me!
 
My day started out strong and just slowly fizzled into a headache. Had dinner with my parents, or rather just my dad because my mom felt sick. Lovely risotto with lovely fish, but any time my dad cooks risotto I come home reeking of onions. I blame that he refuses to turn on the cooker hood. It's not helping my headache.
At least my dog enjoyed her steakless T-bone.

I'm gonna be mature and call it early, my mood is only getting lower the later I run my nights.
 
I feel like I’ve spent maybe 8-10 hours in the past week dealing with customer service and everyone is entirely incompetent.

  • I signed up with a new ISP two weeks ago and ever since then, I’ve argued loudly with at least four different reps that the problem with me registering my account on their website is their problem and I’ve gotten multiple explanations about the problem (new account or I had to wait for the modem to be set up at my home). The problem is them. I am certain of it,
  • TurboTax is just filled with incompetent people and terrible inconveniences. I have to purchase and download the software just to amend a return from a few years ago. Which…why do they have the option to file online if I have a problem and I have to buy an old version to fix it? Which wouldn’t be even that big a problem except that I have to file before April 15 and I left my computer at home. Fuck me for going on vacation, right?
  • And speaking of…I’m staying at a new resort that asked me for my meal selections for my four-day stay in advance (breakfast and lunch are included). Problem is, there are no vegetarian or pescatarian selections for lunch - and all the selections are burgers or fried food. I pointed this out and they said they could provide fresh fruit as a substitute. Now, maybe I’m the asshole here. They probably have a fixed menu and it’s hard to get a new staff to deviate just to get procedures in place, but are you seriously telling me you can’t smuggle actual vegetables used at breakfast into the lunch menu? Like, you can offer me fresh fruit but you don’t have lemons or olive oil and make a salad? You didn’t even plan for the eventuality that someone might not want burgers or chicken and waffles for lunch?
I swear I’m not suicidal but I am wondering if my life exists now to only either pay bills or fix problems.

My ass is going Amish by the end of the year.
 
My old lady is very sick, taking her to the vet tomorrow morning. She's been having a rough time on and off all year but yesterday she took an extremely abrupt turn for the worst. She's almost 17 and has known kidney issues, so we're not in a "this is fixable" position, we're in a "count the hours we have left".
I bought some vanilla ice cream for her to have a little bit of today and on whatever days she's still with us, it's one of her favorite things to eat. :(
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Endless Blabbery said:
Something that I find deeply disturbing is that I am, too, temporary. I don't wish to disappear. I don't mind playing a videogame for a few hours and then moving on to the next; doing a class, finishing it, doing another one. Getting a job, quitting and getting another one.
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Yeah, nobody wants to disappear, of course. That is just something we have to come to terms with eventually and something that we shouldn't let get in the way of enjoying things in life while we can.
Endless Blabbery said:
What I do have trouble with is the fact that all of what I'm doing, which isn't much, anyways, will be excruciatingly irrelevant in a hundred years. All of my memories—gone. What people remember of me, either gone or shoved in a drawer. What is the point?
Regardless of whether there's a god or not, the conclusion might very well be the same. I've cried myself to sleep countless times thinking about this, and it doesn't get any better. What is the point of any of this?
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I like to think of it as if we are links in a very long chain reaching out into forever. Our ability to impact the world may not be very significant in the grand scheme of things, but at the same time we do each leave an impact on someone. They in turn leave an impact on someone else and so on, and this keeps propagating into the future.
Like mr WASR96, perhaps his life was shorter than it should have been and perhaps he's gone now. But I think he's had an impact on some of the people here, perhaps some of us will think of him and his own struggles in our times of struggle and be inspired to do our best to persevere ourselves.
Endless Blabbery said:
And then there's the heaven bit, which implies that I'll be sent to some other dimension and I'll live a happy life, for eternity. That doesn't sound bad at all. But it would seem as though there are countless religions that go over the same thing. Which one is the right one? Would I ever know which choice is correct? Probably not.
I've told my parents about this, but mostly my mother. She is well aware, and accepts it. But, perhaps, I just need time; but it's so, so soul-crushing to realize it. And, don't get me wrong, I've asked these questions ever since I was a kid, but it is hitting me way different now.
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The way I view religion and the notion of heaven and hell is that by acting in a way that is moral and just you bring about some positive impact on the world, the people around you, and perhaps this moves other people to also do the same. So in a sense, you are bringing the world closer to a state of heaven by acting in a way that is moral according to your religion. Perhaps heaven is just knowing that you've done what you could to make the world closer to what you perceive as the ideal?
Endless Blabbery said:
I think the Internet has definitely fucked with my mind. As you've stated, bad things, too, are temporary. And yet, I tried to consume all that's horrifying and frustrating online for the past half year or so. That's how I got into Nick Fuentes (I stopped watching the fag), KiwiFarms... And I had to take a break from the latter, too. Just seeing niggers killing my own kind doesn't make me feel any particular way. It's just chaotic and nonsensical and, perhaps, praying could help. But I just don't believe in it.
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The internet definitely fucks with your mind. But I think it's important to remember that no matter how much niggering niggers may do, no matter how much killing, jewing and chaosing, you can't kill the idea of civilization. I think there will always be people out there who share some of our thoughts and values.
 
Finally got in to see a doctor, got some lab work done and I now have to poop in a jar and schedule an appointment where I drink a bunch of milk so they can see if I die, if it turns out I have celiac or something I'm going to be pissed that I didn't find that out years ago.

I hate this vague sickness, until now it always had been so vague that there were a half dozen potential causes but this is a flare up I haven't experienced before that is incredibly sharp and with a clear enough correlation to investigate.

I was afraid that I was dying and I didn't want to find out. I probably still am, but it should be treatable. Still need to get the test results back
 
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Hypercop said:
I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary.
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I personally have the ideology that a lot of things aren't really temporary, society has just developed a mass jealousy and shames people into treating them like they are. A good example is the stigma around adults watching cartoons, I feel like it only started existing cause a bunch of boomers were jealous 20 yr olds had time to watch their favorite childhood shows.

But when it comes to actually temporary stuff, like jobs, friends, or phases of life, the way I like to think of it is that it's less so losing something and more so transitioning into a new more exciting phase of life. I felt bad about high school ending, but college has so many more opportunities. I felt bad about no longer being a teen (Mainly cause, going back to the first thing I said, I thought I'd have to give up all the things that made the kid in me happy), but there's like 50 million songs of pop stars treating their 20s like fucking nirvana. Sometimes it's not the ending of something, it's just the transition into something cooler.
Endless Blabbery said:
What I do have trouble with is the fact that all of what I'm doing, which isn't much, anyways, will be excruciatingly irrelevant in a hundred years. All of my memories—gone. What people remember of me, either gone or shoved in a drawer. What is the point?
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Uh. Living is fun, I think? Idk, tbh, I still haven't figured out why exactly dying is bad. It just is ig.
Endless Blabbery said:
Just seeing niggers killing my own kind
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I'm sorry.

Thread Tax: I think I added way too much cooking wine to a sauce I was making, I also barely heated it so I could still taste all the alcohol. I barely remember what happened after that, I just woke up to a bunch of incomprehensible doodles in MS Paint. I remember NOT hating my race for a bit, I would say "I should drink more alcohol" but that's illegal and doing illegal things is bad. As much of a nigger I am, I'm happy I never break the law. I always get a confidence boost when my white friends insist on just pirating a game and I'm the one who has to tell them that pirating is wrong.
 
long waters said:
In a way, I find it comforting. If everything is temporary, that means that everything bad is also temporary.
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Humans adjust incredibly well, it's why millionaires aren't happy and broke people don't wake up in suicidal depression (as much as they should). I'm about to drop in wage (in exchange for mental health, thriving, becoming myself again etc) and it's worrying me. Yet I know I haven't changed my life much since my pay increased, I just put more money into savings. What for? Dunno, I don't want kids nor a home without a family to put in there, so I'm just saving for sake of.
Endless Blabbery said:
And then I realize that some politicians are really, really horrible people. Incredibly selfish, and willing to destroy entire civilizations just to live a seemingly comfortable life with friends and family.
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My country just voted in a 24 yr old politician; 3 kids, 3 different daddies, first pregnancy at 14. She does drugs, her boyfriend sells them, and now we have to pay her 4 years of politician pay cause uhh. Reasons. I'm thinking it's severe enough a case that it'll change legislation.
long waters said:
Life shouldn't be just chasing a single peak moment, there can be many peaks throughout life, and while some doors of opportunity may close with time, others may come. But you have to keep working towards the next peak, even if it's slow and tedious.
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Peaks only exist while you're climbing. "Wow, great hobby, partner, work!", not knowing it'll end in 7 months and you'll be forced to move and find a new job. Everything is temporary, it should be reassuring, but it's also scary as hell. It's why battered wives stay - the alternative is slightly more scary than it is motivational. As soon as I started thinking about quitting my job with no backup plan but my sanity, it felt scary until it felt liberating and I've spent the last 3 weeks counting the days til I'm outta here - thankfully able to get my old job back without an unemployment period.

Again, going from 0 to 1 is scary. That first club or social event. Yet, I've also gone on solo trips to festivals before and there really isn't any kind of magic to it. Everyone came with their friends or volunteer groups. Your best chance at 'happening' onto anyone socially is at 1AM piss drunk. Either that or you go as a volunteer, and in my case there's better places to volunteer than a festival then. Not sure what it'd be though. Pet shelter? It'd be all danger hairs and "my mom is my best friend" chubsters. My bar is very high for myself and incredibly low towards other people, yet I fear putting myself in spaces where I'd meet these kinds of people because I feel like it'd devalue myself.

Then again, I've worked alongside someone who volunteered every single weekend, partook in everything in the city they moved to etc. It sounded draining and terrible as if an addiction. She didn't read, game or run. It was all she had, and that was equally sad as chatting on WoW with the boys.
 
Had a mild scare when I woke up a couple days ago with what looked like a melanoma on my tongue. Did a bit of research and it's something totally harmless (some kind of blood blister). In two days it's almost entirely healed.
 
Hypercop said:
I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary.
Click to expand...
I got used to it
I moved around a lot as a kid (roughly once every three years. Every time an attempt to keep in touch happened, it ended up being me trying to keep the relationship alive (either platonic friendship or romantic relations), and it fizzled out every time.
 
Squanto Airi said:
You sound like an alcoholic. Cooking wines bought from the grocers are loaded with salt, so it's unpleasant to drink.
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The first time I accidentally had it was yesterday and it's like, wow, I didn't know I could go an hour not hating myself like that :(
 
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