How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[JustStopDude]

At an airport. The boomer I am with insisted we get here six hours ahead of time because of the TSA workers not getting paid causing delays.

No matter how many fucking times I explained to him that this airport has a private company doing screenings and that wait times were 10 minutes per the airport website, he insisted.

On a side note, for the first time ever, I had a security agent freak out about a hand held voltage checker so I got to check my fucking carry on. Per captain security "I don't know what it is so you have to check it." Sound fucking logic there if you ask me.

I get though again (so maybe 20 minutes longer than if I went through once).

"Bet you are glad we got here early, huh" - boomer

"We have over five hours to burn you fucking clown" - me


Keep in mind, this asshole bitches and moans when I charge time to his projects (boomer gets salary instead of hourly because he is a fucking cuck).

Not my fault you decided to pay me an extra 5 hours of engineering time.

 

[Hypercop]

I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary. Clubs that you're in for 6 weeks, jobs that only last 2 years, group chats you're in for 1 year, friendships that last for 3 years, friend groups that last for 12 months. All of them end. When I look back on my past there's a weird feeling like "That's it?" Like all of it came and went without much fanfare. I dunno man. Back when I played Left 4 Dead 2 and Halo 3 every night with the boys, I had an amazing time, but I also never believed that would be the peak. I thought we'd do a hell of a lot more, accomplish a hell of a lot more, but I also never put in the effort to make that stuff happen, and neither did they. It's surreal to think of how periods in your life simply end. And once they're over, you realize that the value of those days was obvious to you the whole time.

You don't remember the days spent on Instagram, X, 4chan, the days sleeping in, the days of doing the same old shit, eating the same old shit, but you remember the time you found a pond on google maps and tried to go there only to get chased by somebody's dog and cut up your hand on the fence you hopped over. You remember new foods, you remember art you made, you remember giving that one book a try, you remember the risks you take. It's so strange to wake up and not look for ways to turn the day into a lifelong memory, because even a week later, the memories are all life is at the end.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Back when I played Left 4 Dead 2 and Halo 3 every night with the boys, I had an amazing time, but I also never believed that would be the peak. I thought we'd do a hell of a lot more, accomplish a hell of a lot more, but I also never put in the effort to make that stuff happen, and neither did they.

Truth be told, that WAS my peak. I'm not complaining about where I am currently compared to 3 years ago, but I am dead serious when I say I peaked when I was 16. I had friends, I was skinny, I could stay up for two days straight if that was what I wanted to. My life is painfully mediocre, and painfully lonely. If I didn't have my dog, I wouldn't really leave my house. If I didn't have my parents, I wouldn't see any person on a weekly basis.

I don't really participate, never really have participated honestly, in normie culture even before I "broke". I haven't travelled much, I'm not a big thrill seeker so I don't try many new things, I can't remember the last time I read a book and finished it.

It is weird that as a society, as a culture, you are hooked up on the internet and you consume pop culture media, otherwise you are a weird pariah and unwanted by most people. I'm sure that there are outliers and groups of people who make-do without being consoomers and mainstream normies, who aren't online. I wanna meet them and ask them what that's like.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Truth be told, that WAS my peak. I'm not complaining about where I am currently compared to 3 years ago, but I am dead serious when I say I peaked when I was 16. I had friends, I was skinny, I could stay up for two days straight if that was what I wanted to. My life is painfully mediocre, and painfully lonely. If I didn't have my dog, I wouldn't really leave my house. If I didn't have my parents, I wouldn't see any person on a weekly basis.

I don't really participate, never really have participated honestly, in normie culture even before I "broke". I haven't travelled much, I'm not a big thrill seeker so I don't try many new things, I can't remember the last time I read a book and finished it.

It is weird that as a society, as a culture, you are hooked up on the internet and you consume pop culture media, otherwise you are a weird pariah and unwanted by most people. I'm sure that there are outliers and groups of people who make-do without being consoomers and mainstream normies, who aren't online. I wanna meet them and ask them what that's like.

There are tons of people who don't have their veins hooked up to the internet. They tend to (not always, but often) do more irl stuff. I see the difference in my own life day-to-day - days I'm overly online my productivity and depth of experience is lower; days I'm not, I tend to get more done (both tasks and leisure) and really "live" more. And I'm of an age that I wasn't raised on the internet, which wasn't mainstream until I was a couple decades into life - so if being online mutes my life, I can only imagine how much it mutes life experiences of those who grew up in the internet age.

I would say this: I know internet life is comforting, especially to people who may not or may not care to have a ton of rl interaction. But things that are super- easy tend to be less stimulating and less healthy. So even if you've grown up in a time where everything seems to be or is online, push against seeing that as all you need. You've talked about taking walks and your dog and seeing your parents, so you are doing that somewhat (more than some), but 16 does NOT need to be your peak. Keep pushing yourself (within your scope/capabilities is fine). And as far as having "broke," there is life after that. It takes time, effort, maybe support of the kind you'ce talked about getting. Just don't think that your best life is doomed to being locked in the past.

And I know you have complex and significant things going on, but here's a recommendation for a read - and even if the specific focus is not all that relevant to you, you may find something in the general philosophy/ orientation that is heartening or useful.

 

[Endless Blabbery]

I even made cake

I'm stealing this, thank you.

I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary.

I absolutely hate it. I genuinely do.
I cannot power-level, as per usual, but I live in a "medium-crime area." (It depends on who you ask, but I am scared shitless of niggers so I just don't go outside) I simply cannot leave the house "for fun" if I'm constantly going to be on my toes hoping no nog-nog spots me walking alone. And I know I'm exaggerating, but I've already had to endure more than one of these "experiences."
So I just don't go out. My idea is fairly simple: graduate, make money, move out. But if the job market keeps getting worse over time, I will need some internship on the side. Sure, whatever—and even then, let's ignore what that entails, money-wise and time-wise.
I don't have many friends. The only one I genuinely feel "connected to" is one that lives an hour away (I can commute, I don't mind it), although we meet about once a month or so. She's busy as fuck so our time is greatly appreciated by both of us. I am the kind of person that nags everyone with a not-so-subtle moan the likes of "I have so much time, guys...," although they don't seem to take the bait. I don't blame them, we're all broke.
Walking around the neighborhood is a no-no. Even if my friend had the time, I just don't have the money. And if I had enough money, I'd move abroad and start over elsewhere (which is an even bigger challenge, but I'll leave that for a later date).
I considered hobbies. Of course they cost money, how could I forget! But still, I don't know what I like. We were always fairly, how do I say this, not poor but also kinda poor. So I just stopped caring about everything, coping by saying that one day I'll have enough money. I'm twenty-two...
What is the point of buying an arduino or a videogame if my underwear has holes in them and my shirts' dye has been washed off from using them so much? What is the point of going outside if, you know, you're going back to your shithole neighborhood? Why would I buy clothes if I could save up to move out... It's just so exhausting, all I do is think about leaving.
Of course, on a more positive light, I am somewhat close to graduating. But as you asked before, does it really matter if the past several years I barely remember? I'm twenty-two and I barely remember half of my life.

 

[souschef]

I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary

From my religious perspective even existence is temporary, so i'm at peace when things don't last

Doesn't make me less aware of the enshittification around me, but we must make do with what we have

 

[Agarathium1066]

I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary.

I try to value it for what it is. I may not get another chance at what I am enjoying then. Sure, it might momentarily add a note of bitterness but its still a good moment when you enjoy it. The friendship that you did have, the conversations, the fun. The experiences at a place that now isn't there.

I've many times looked back on things I wish I could have more of, things even as shallow as just old video game culture or just not knowing as much about shitty things in the world. I don't think its wrong to feel sad about some of it but.. gotta enjoy what you did have. Maybe that's just me getting old and willing to pass on. To know my pets will some day not be with me as others no longer are, to know the world won't be the same as what it was even if I strive as hard as I can. Can do a lot of nice things while I'm alive and make good memories of those I am with.

 

[NSJAP]

>be me
>remembered a youtuber; I loved watching his ARMA 2 gameplay videos
>wonder what's he up to these day, his last video was 7 years ago
>he's trooned out

 

[Mortan Shekelstorm]

will keep it brief. There was a jumper right out my window. Close enough to have their face burned into my head. Not sure how I feel or what to feel. I keep remembering and seeing their face. I don't know when or if I will forget their face I see it when I go to bed and when I have time to think. Guess that's life, God rest poor soul

 

[Sargon's wife's son]

I got all my college coursework done, but I'm still. Not doing the best in trigonometry. Trigonometry is a bitch.

 

[Unnecessary Surgery Land]

agh sleep paralysis bothers me so critically. just mentally recovering from it exhausts me. only one episode in several weeks (which is an improvement) but they're the worst.
I have nightmares under control at least... but the sleep paralysis just likes to pop up every now and then and remind me I am a brain trapped in a flesh coffin

I have my dream job after struggling for so long.... but my fucking insomnia and retard OCD ruminating keeps fucking with me so it's making finishing tasks really hard. I hope I can get over it.

but also it sucks having more money just to see it pissed away in gas and other non-fun expenses

 

[PetiteFeet]

I'm stealing this, thank you.

It is a FANTASTIC and easy cake. You can do the topping and add some shaved coconut, put it on some regular vanilla spongecake and it's equally divine. Dream cake recipe, although I don't remember ever adding milk to the topping I'm certain that it'll be fabulous regardless.

-
So far my day is a bit of a mixed bag. I woke up early (for me anyway) and got ready because I was supposed to have my blood tested and get an EKG, I ate breakfast (yummy fruit salad with yoghurt that I made the other day) and fed the dog. We walked to the forest and then the dog park where I got to see a very sweet dachshund named Karla whom I love very much, she's the friendliest doxxie I've ever met and she's a very funny dog to boot.
Got home 30 minutes ago when I realised I took my morning medicine, which I wasn't supposed to do because of the blood tests. Plans cancelled, I guess.
I still have a sore neck and I can't properly turn my head to look left for the third day in a row. I really need to get a better pillow.
At least I will be having seafood risotto with my parents tonight, Saturday I was at the fishmonger's and bought weever which is allegedly a really tasty fish, and it was cheap.

 

[stick]

I'm tired. I had a good conversation with my brother the older day, which I initially left feeling hopeful but am becoming increasingly saddened by the more it sits. Being a much older half-sibling, he got a unique perspective on my home life. Enough of an outsider to not be brainwashed, but close enough to observe the dysfunction. To sum it up he basically confirmed that my mother is a sad BPD nutcase and that I was being blamed for everything when it was never my fault. My entire life, everyone let me think I was crazy and just too emotional and mentally ill for responding appropriately to the abuse. My other family members were passive to keep the peace. Only my brother tried to say something, and my dad didn't want to hear it. He was a beaten down man, and according to my brother, too much of a push-over. Afraid of the "if you leave you'll never see your kids again" threats. Sad all around. I don't want to blame anyone for it. I wouldn't even know how to. I've spent years blaming myself, because what else can you do? Your mother is insane, even tries to kill you, and no one, including your other parent, thinks it's a big deal. They believe you, but they don't react as if it's too abnormal or deserving of any action. So it must be you. You're overreacting, you're causing trouble, stop fighting with your mother. "Just give it a rest" is one I heard often. That one hurt.

I'll stop moping. On a more positive note, I'm going to be spending more time with my brother from now on. We were never super close because of our age gap, but we are more similar than I previously thought. It'll be good to have family that I really feel is in my corner. I told him I felt crazy growing up with her and he said "you too? I thought I was the only one." Very sad but very affirming. I see him again this Saturday. Going to do some fun photography and film stuff.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

My link to this thread leads to this and I like it.

I am dead serious when I say I peaked when I was 16. I had friends, I was skinny, I could stay up for two days straight if that was what I wanted to.

It was around the end of high school that I got into anime and watched the ending of k-on. The whole "oh fuck we're graduating, we're delusional about us sticking together past this and lord knows if we will". I had no close friendships nor plans to study somewhere I could move together with any of my classmates, so I basically knew it was the end. All the rich kids with good grades moved to the capital and I'd move back home. I chose one random university degree on a whim and got accepted. Even with a smith for a dad I never considered a trade; I had zero guidance and no real sit-downs about my future. I tell myself I had 'freedom' by not being forced to work but man, that would've fixed all my regrets in life. Career maturity.

I went to California some years ago and we went to a burger joint and it was like an american drama. People of all ages behind the counter, openly flirting with one another, living in bumfuck nowhere with no prospects. That was likely their life for the foreseeable future. And in some ways it was romantic. Just, living. Doing what you could with what you're given. Living in the first world with free education, you can basically ask yourself why you didn't study finance and get a great job and win at life? You chose not to. You failed. I don't compare to people from other countries but I do self-sabotage in way of thinking "if they were given my spot in life they'd be wealthy and successful".

They tend to (not always, but often) do more irl stuff.

It's a quirky thing. I don't mind normies, but I prefer those with some adjacent interests to me, ie. terminally online has-beens. But then you need to find someone who got tired of the internet and moved on without having been forced to do so by kids, family or career which is impossible. Bitches be scrolling, dudes be swiping. I remember around covid old school pubs took off unironically with youth but that didn't last long. Clubs? Kids and pensioners only, forever. 'Bowling Alone' talks about these waves of growing social unions followed by complete death. Even in the 70s the dwindling numbers were in their 60s and 70s. Yet I can't imagine anything causing people to get back into clubs these days cause we've been raving on about third places for ages.

To know my pets will some day not be with me as others no longer are, to know the world won't be the same as what it was even if I strive as hard as I can.

And yet a new pet should be a new chapter. Every now and then I witness a streamer or content creator become absolutely hooked on a game as if they're a kid again; going to Counter-strike tournaments, making online friends to play with etc. And I just wonder.. what keeps me from doing that now? Depression? I had played games for ages at the point I got obsessed with some of my favorite games back then. There are communities out there still growing. Shit I got a decent-size guild I could at least try raiding in WoW with, but even that just reminds me of sour memories of past guilds that also didn't last for more than a few months - speaking of temporary friendships.

 

[Agarathium1066]

And yet a new pet should be a new chapter. Every now and then I witness a streamer or content creator become absolutely hooked on a game as if they're a kid again; going to Counter-strike tournaments, making online friends to play with etc. And I just wonder.. what keeps me from doing that now? Depression? I had played games for ages at the point I got obsessed with some of my favorite games back then. There are communities out there still growing. Shit I got a decent-size guild I could at least try raiding in WoW with, but even that just reminds me of sour memories of past guilds that also didn't last for more than a few months - speaking of temporary friendships.

In my case at times it's depression and fear of how it might hurt me later. There's a lot of times I'll get into my own head about things, what someone might mean or might intend later on. I think its good to try to focus on the fact that you are doing something new. Your Pet is a new experience and change to your life that is a good thing. Your time in that game, even it might just be a temporary interest, will be an enjoyable part of things. A friendship may only last a few months or many years. Some it might remain for longer than you'd ever imagine but you can't know until you try.

It's still hard for me even after all I've done to work on fighting back that anxiety about it. For me I just remind myself if I just think about the what ifs all I'll have is just sat there with my dick metaphorically in my hand.

 

[Cups2Cups]

Last night was an extreme low for me. Cost of living too high and i had to pull money that i saved to cover rent payment. I vented at my parents for abit because i really have no one to talk to anymore, and i really dont like talking to them about my personal life at all.

On a good note, i started researching if studying psychology would be a good thing for me.

 

[Kiwifarmsname]

My life is better than it ever was, but the world at large sucks so bad. I wish I was born 10 years earlier.

 

[long waters]

I wonder how you guys feel about so much stuff being temporary.

In a way, I find it comforting. If everything is temporary, that means that everything bad is also temporary. It stands to reason that something good will follow! So just enjoy the good times as best you can, and endure through tough times knowing some day those too will end. Although there's more to it than that, since it's not like bad times just end all by themselves, usually you have to actively do something to lead to that outcome.

Truth be told, that WAS my peak. I'm not complaining about where I am currently compared to 3 years ago, but I am dead serious when I say I peaked when I was 16. I had friends, I was skinny, I could stay up for two days straight if that was what I wanted to. My life is painfully mediocre, and painfully lonely. If I didn't have my dog, I wouldn't really leave my house. If I didn't have my parents, I wouldn't see any person on a weekly basis.

I don't like viewing any period of time as "peaking". Life shouldn't be just chasing a single peak moment, there can be many peaks throughout life, and while some doors of opportunity may close with time, others may come. But you have to keep working towards the next peak, even if it's slow and tedious.
This will sound like some reddit capeshit tier thing, but one of my favorite things from watching Hellsing is when Alucard says "Giving up is what kills people". It's a line that stuck with me a lot, one that I come back to and reflect upon every now and then. I think there's truth to it, at least when it comes to depression and despair, you should never give up.
Ah, perhaps it's easy for me to say this because as far as my own personal experiences go, my life from around 10 to 20 was the worst time in my life. It was without a doubt the period of my life that felt the most socially isolating and when I was probably in the worst physical shape I'll ever be in my life. It filled me with a sense of self loathing and I have plenty of mental issues from it, but at the same time I also feel driven and motivated to never return to feeling like that again.
So what I'm saying is, instead of looking back at some moment to perceive as a "peak", I'm sitting here at the middle of the mountain, gazing back at what was a low valley I climbed out from. Sure I've been higher up the mountain before, but I'm nowhere near as low as I was before so it's easier for me to be optimistic and driven to climb back up.
It's different when it feels like you are experiencing your lowest time in the now. It's a lot harder for sure. But even then, as all things are temporary, you CAN climb your way out of this low!

 

[Getmeout]

Spoiler: Nigger rambling

I hate being black, it's not fair. Why does everyone have to hate me, I try my hardest to be a good person, I really do. I try to keep a low profile when I'm a good person too. Yet still still STILL I'm a nigger and it's not fair! I get the hatred of transgenders cause well you choose to be trans, but I never chose to be black. I just was born that way and it's not fair that I'm born to inherently be worse than a white person. That's just not fair, like, why does reality work that way. I always get startled looking at myself, like, why am I so dark? I know skin bleaching exists but who cares, I'm still going to be black, I'm just going to look white. I thought, maybe I'd be happy if I just went back to Africa like how everyone with black fatigue wants? But I'd still carry the burden of being black, I'd probably just kill myself by slamming my head on a rock or something.

I know what's commonly said to make me feel better is "Oh no no no when people say they hate niggers they mean the BEHAVIOR, a white person can be a nigger too!" but that's just like not true. I've never seen someone call a white person a nigger when they steal from a store, but I've seen plenty of people call a black person a nigger for just standing there. It's not behavior, there's just something wrong with me. In the words of some guy from A&H "They're all niggers to me. Worthless race.".

But it's like, I never asked to be apart of a worthless race, I was just born. I'm already doing my part in deciding to never reproduce but I'm still here. I won't say "maybe the solution is just to kill myself" cause that's faggy but idk, what's a non-faggy way to be a good person and get out of being black? As of right now the only coping I have is reading the SRS thread and hoping I see a black person with some bothced surgery cause seeing black people suffer calms me, including myself.

Sorry I know I said I'd shut up about it but I kinda realized I have no one in my life to talk to about this lol

 

[Endless Blabbery]

In a way, I find it comforting. If everything is temporary, that means that everything bad is also temporary. It stands to reason that something good will follow! So just enjoy the good times as best you can, and endure through tough times knowing some day those too will end. Although there's more to it than that, since it's not like bad times just end all by themselves, usually you have to actively do something to lead to that outcome.

Something that I find deeply disturbing is that I am, too, temporary. I don't wish to disappear. I don't mind playing a videogame for a few hours and then moving on to the next; doing a class, finishing it, doing another one. Getting a job, quitting and getting another one.
What I do have trouble with is the fact that all of what I'm doing, which isn't much, anyways, will be excruciatingly irrelevant in a hundred years. All of my memories—gone. What people remember of me, either gone or shoved in a drawer. What is the point?
Regardless of whether there's a god or not, the conclusion might very well be the same. I've cried myself to sleep countless times thinking about this, and it doesn't get any better. What is the point of any of this?
And then I realize that some politicians are really, really horrible people. Incredibly selfish, and willing to destroy entire civilizations just to live a seemingly comfortable life with friends and family. And then they die. So did all of that selfishness really matter? To us, of course; but what would the point of it be, two hundred years down the line? "We have to build a better world for the next to come," some say, but why does it matter if I won't be there to experience the world with them?
And then there's the heaven bit, which implies that I'll be sent to some other dimension and I'll live a happy life, for eternity. That doesn't sound bad at all. But it would seem as though there are countless religions that go over the same thing. Which one is the right one? Would I ever know which choice is correct? Probably not.
I've told my parents about this, but mostly my mother. She is well aware, and accepts it. But, perhaps, I just need time; but it's so, so soul-crushing to realize it. And, don't get me wrong, I've asked these questions ever since I was a kid, but it is hitting me way different now.
I think the Internet has definitely fucked with my mind. As you've stated, bad things, too, are temporary. And yet, I tried to consume all that's horrifying and frustrating online for the past half year or so. That's how I got into Nick Fuentes (I stopped watching the fag), KiwiFarms... And I had to take a break from the latter, too. Just seeing niggers killing my own kind doesn't make me feel any particular way. It's just chaotic and nonsensical and, perhaps, praying could help. But I just don't believe in it.