How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[AnOminous]

I have completely lost my mind to the point I can't interact with other people because they would see I'm completely insane.

 

[Motherf*cker]

I am snot, it's profoundly disgusting

 

[Getmeout]

It's okay to be black. You're not a nigger, that much has been established whenever I read your posts.

Doubt it, lovingly. I'm really not the best person, maybe I seem sophisticated in my posts, but I'm really retarded.
I appreciate the kind words though, and I wish I could internalize them. Idk why, all of it goes in one ear out the other and I'm back to doomscrolling A&H and mentally self-flagellating. It's to the point where there might be something wrong with me, but idk. I would say "I should see someone" but I highly doubt any therapist deals with, let alone has ever heard of "black guilt" or "black fragility".
I remember I came across this one blog post by this black woman, who had like several posts just detailing the affects of "black supremacy" and how we have to "pay reparations to white people", in her intro post she said she suffered from something she called "black guilt". On one hand, I was happy that someone related, on the other I was sad cause this was clearly a depressed woman. Ergo if I relate, that means I'm also a depressed woman.

Either way, thank you, one day I'll get what you mean.

I have completely lost my mind to the point I can't interact with other people because they would see I'm completely insane.

Relatable, welcome to the club. Though at the same time, if it helps, people aren't as observant as you think. We're raised in a society that encourages people to ignore any problems as much as possible, that includes the mentally deranged. Talking is still on the table for you.

Ended up deleting my X account. Deleted my Facebook last month, deleted X this month. Just getting rid of a lot of the major social media accounts I had, 'cause all it's serving to do is pissing me off. Seeing friends fall for bullshit Leftist propaganda just saddens me more than I'm actually getting upset by it. I dunno. I'd rather not see really good friends of mine get all rabid over politics. It sucks, man. Do people actually look at you funny if you have like 0 social media presence at all?

They chuckle at most.

Sounds similar to why I simmered my social media presence. It was sorta the opposite? I had several right-leaning/far-right friend groups, they were cool-ish (As long as I kept me being black a secret) but never shut up about politics and twitter arguments. Every DM was them sending me something some lefty said cause they wanted to get mad with me, but I was tired of getting mad. That and it turned out they unironically thought rape should be legal.

 

[N Space]

I have completely lost my mind to the point I can't interact with other people because they would see I'm completely insane.

Insane how so? From my POV you only seem insane when you say so 3 times straight in this forum.

 

[PetiteFeet]

I fit the criteria for so long and no one caught it. I was labeled as a difficult teenager by family, my peers, and medical professionals and left to rot. Not to be hung up on things that happened when I was younger but it has gotten me stuck in that useless thought spiral of "Maybe things would have been different if x." I don't think I've ever fully mourned the person I was, or the person I could have been. It breaks through sometimes and I shove it back down. Feels like once I open that it won't ever stop, I'll just grieve forever.

I feel much the same, just a different diagnosis. It's shocking how few red flags everyone around me caught. "She's shy", no I was anxious and terrified of being criticised on a deeply personal level. "She does well in class but she fails to turn in her homework/do presentations", yeah because I can't get a word out when I'm the center of attention.

We won't get our childhood/young adulthood back, but we can change our future. We can improve on our disordered patterns of reaction. There's a life for us, it won't be exactly like it could potentially have been but there's nothing for us if we continue to dwell on the past and What If's.
I have to actively remind myself not to ruminate on the past. It's fucking difficult to not fall into that trap.

-
My Thursday was better than I expected. I cleaned a section of my media library and sorted through some of my DVDs that I plan on throwing out/selling/giving away for free. Even if physical media is forever, I do not have the space for shitty films I'll never watch or comedy shows of comedians who trooned out.
I don't look forward to my Friday appointment at the hospital, I have to talk to a doctor about who knows what, most likely medication to help me get out of my 6+ month long downwards spiral. I want to get back what little social life I had before summer vacation 2025. I want to have the will and urge to be creative. I hate spending my day either rotting or sleeping. That's not a life.

 

[JustStopDude]

Sales guy finds me in the office.

"JSD, did you ever get the drive working at XYZ?"

"No Bill. Their generator is bad. I get at least a 40% voltage difference between phase A and the B and C phases. I can't run the drive until they get a different generator"

"But I told them you'd get this done this week"

"Well Bill...that was stupid of you. They got a moving ground. They measured a 2% phase imbalance at the low voltage generator. By the time it gets stepped up to 4160v we are off by around 2000V. I try to run this drive, I will blow it up. They need a different power source"

"But I told them you could fix it"

I just looked at Bill, completely lost on how to respond to him..

It was around then he noticed I was packing up my shit at noon.

"Why are you leaving? Going to XYZ?"

"Bill, I have to remote tune a couple of drives for the aerospace customer. That is going to happen around 5pm. But knowing them, I might be up until 3 or 4 am. I'm not staying here for that. I'm doing that at home"

"But I told XYZ you'll be there first thing tomorrow"

"Bill, you don't make my schedule. Stop telling customers things"

The aerospace tuning went exceptionally well, which is a rarity for this customer. Remote tuning is remarkably dangerous and this particular customer has already flatten an island they own by blowing up a massive rocket.

Called up the one engineer for XYZ, told I would be there in the morning. He said he was surprised.

"I thought Bill told you I was going to be there?"

"Yeah but Bill tells us crap all the time. We just assume it's bullshit".

If you want to know why Bill has a job, his brother in law is the operations director for the company.

Fucking boomers.

 

[Squanto Airi]

Insane how so?

In the membrane, ese.

 

[souschef]

I learned a new breadmaking technique today, autolysis and folding

I also fed and multiplied my seven year old levain

For thee i offer you this meager offering of flour and water, hoping to appease the hungry gods of yeast

 

[JanuaryViolet]

suck it up

... and ask for nitrous. Plus any pain meds they are willing to give you. Tell them you're scared. Really. It will go a long way. Enough nitrous and you go to your happy place. If you are able to get heavy-duty pain meds and take them for a day or two (no more) it may still ache but you won't care.

 

[anliteralidiot]

One of my cats passed away. I haven't been able to sleep because of it. He had an emergency medical problem, and he hated the vets like any good Kiwi hates a fed...but he loved my husband and I.

It just hurts.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Good luck. Remember it takes several weeks for the dopamine to fully equalise. You may well experience an elevated mood the first week or two, and this lulls you into a false sense of confidence; but after that you face the risk of your mood dropping severely, and this is the time you are most likely to cave. Stay vigilant.

Thanks. I appreciate a response. Made it through some day-end temptation yesterday, my app says I got 7 hrs and 53 minutes of sleep*, only woke once or twice (one time was for awhile but I avoided scrolling my phone, which was a good idea). I woke up at first alarm this morning and actually got up. And I finally did the math on my bad habits...my ballpark sense wasn't far off, but good to face a hard quantification. Suffice it to say, my current road is a better one.

* had my usual epic, detailed, complicated type of dream - last night's/ this morning's was a sort of The Full Monty x Tarantino violent caper. I have the best dreams, no lie, and I really really need to start jotting them down. Sometimes I can remember them for a few days, but it's not enough. I so wish dreams could be recorded**.
Anyway, at least this time there were no kiwis in my dream. There are 2 people/ personas from this site that have made multiple appearances in my dreams, though earlier this week there were a couple of others at least referenced, though now I can't remember how or why. :-/

** shout out to Wim Wenders' Until the End of the World. Been waiting on that technology for decades now, which would be better than anything else invented since then, though might be just as seductive; maybe some things are supposed to remain ephemeral. Idk, but even just one playback with the ability to pause so I could write it all down would be amazing.

 

[Norms Abused Liver]

Found out this morning that a good friend passed away. He had a lot of issues due to a work injury from years ago, he got smoked in the noggin at work and after that he was never the same. Over time he had slowly gone downhill, but it finally got so bad that they had to take him to the ER and they essentially had to pump him full of painkillers so he could pass in comfort.

Just sucks, because at the age I am at I should not have lost as many friends as I have. Not sure I have it in me to be the last person from our friend group to be alive, especially given my habit of smoking a pack a day and killing a bottle every few days while all my friends take care of themselves and die young anyways.

 

[Nick Wilde]

Thanks. I appreciate a response.

You didn't name the habits but they sound quite familiar, and I know how it is. I find with such things, if you hit the point where you said "right enough is enough I'm done", you already have the resolve needed; the problem is remembering that resolve when you have had a few weeks of distance and that insidious "ah go on you can just do it this once" thought creeps in.

 

[AnOminous]

Relatable, welcome to the club. Though at the same time, if it helps, people aren't as observant as you think. We're raised in a society that encourages people to ignore any problems as much as possible, that includes the mentally deranged. Talking is still on the table for you.

I'll be okay. It happens every few years, for a few days. At least it is no longer all the goddamn time like it used to be.

Just sucks, because at the age I am at I should not have lost as many friends as I have. Not sure I have it in me to be the last person from our friend group to be alive, especially given my habit of smoking a pack a day and killing a bottle every few days while all my friends take care of themselves and die young anyways.

Reminds of an old and rather sick dad joke about how I'm healthy because I get all my exercise going to the funerals of my friends.

 

[nycifer]

I'm probably the most excited I've been in a bit, to know the new pay is starting after today's pay period ends. One of the team leads told me I would be up to $19.23, supposedly, but I'm holding my breath some. If true, this will make more breathing room in my budgeting for the future.

Next month, I'm seeking to put an end to my PAL loan, so I can get the remaining half to me. Never again will I get another of those kinds of loans, they just don't give you room to plan and work around, it's all automatic. So you're forced to budget ahead for it, alone and take all kinds of risks to your other budgeting. In otherwords, I never felt comfortable doing this, but at least I've proven once again that I can be trusted to pay back what I borrow.

 

[Motherf*cker]

Today is going to be one of those days which tests me.

Had a foggy head from this cold and I ended walking to an appointment yesterday or 24 hours on time.
So today is the appointment but now I'll have to walk to it in the rain, through one of the sketchiest of slum holes and I don't want to do it again. Yesterday there were multiple manson lamp-est eye balls-- it's scary!
This morning mother started the washer when I was in the shower,things which I do not want to clean have just been left in the sink for me to clean, and adding to additional hell of shit I do not want to do.
This will not stand, man.

 

[Otterly]

I have completely lost my mind to the point I can't interact with other people because they would see I'm completely insane.

It happens every few years, for a few days.

You can try to cover up depression in various ways. You can listen to Bach’s compositions for the organ in Our Saviour’s Church. You can arrange a line of good cheer in powder form on a pocket mirror with a razor blade and ingest it with a straw. You can call for help. For instance, by telephone, so that you know who’s listening. That’s the European method. Hoping to work your way out of problems through action. I take the Greenlandic way. It consists of walking into yourself in the dark mood. Putting your defeat under a microscope and dwelling on the sight. When things are really bad – like now – I picture a black tunnel in front of me. I go up to it. I strip off my nice clothes, myunderwear, my hard hat, my Danish passport, and then I walk into the dark. I know that a train is coming. A lead-lined diesel transporting strontium-90. I go to meet it. This I can do because I’m thirty-seven years old. I know that inside the tunnel, underneath the wheels, down between the sleepers, there is a little spot of light.

 

[PetiteFeet]

My appointment at the psych ward went better than expected.
I've been assigned a quirky, slightly spergy psychiatrist who seemed genuinely interested in my story and the few hobbies I mentioned I'd like to enjoy again.
I've been prescribed Abilify at a 5mg dosage, as well as some melatonin to help me readjust my sleeping pattern.
I feel somewhat hopeful, all of a sudden, even if I'm not looking forward to taking more meds. If possible, I would actually prefer not being on meds any more, or at least in the future.

To "celebrate," I've bought some rib eye steaks and all the fixings you would want for a nice Friday steak dinner.
Tomorrow, I'll be making falafles with my mother for our weekly family dinner. Hopefully I will also purchase a new vacuum cleaner, as I have been wanting to get a new one for the last three years. I have a nasty habit of being unable to gather momentum for my thoughts and ideas whenever it could improve my life. Call it self-harm or self-punishment.

I hope everyone has a good Friday, and a nice weekend before Easter.

 

[Squanto Airi]

kind of concerned that some eau de parfum got delivered to me despite me not ordering anything online recently.

Am I going to be raped soon?

 

[Core Theorist]

The only creature that loved me is gone.