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I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP
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I'm not doing very well. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer recently and the doctor says about 6-12 months is what we have left considering he doesn't want to do chemo. We saw him today and it was time we asked him some hard questions so we could get it all on the table before moving on and trying to spend the rest of our time with him. But he got mad that we even decided to ask even though he knew these questions were coming.

My dad wasn't around much, for context. He'd always make these promises to come see us. See me on my birthday, pick me up for a weekend, spend time or whatever. I would sit out on the porch for hours waiting for someone who would never come. But if he wanted to see my brother he'd see my brothers and my eldest sister all he wanted. And even if it never used to be that way, it makes me feel some kind of way to know he values them more than me and my other sister. It's humiliating to defend him, to want to love him despite knowing all he'll ever do is disappoint me.

I just wanted to know why he wasn't there. And he just kept repeating. "I don't know. I made mistakes." And Im sorry but that's not good enough for me. It's not good enough for me when you contributed to a lack of structure and weren't there for us when we needed you. He stormed out of the house and drove away. Which is ironic, considering when things get real he runs away. Just like he did when I was a kid.

I want to make better memories, but I can't if he won't let us settle it. I'm not leaving it in the past, because I have a right to know why you decided you'd have 6 kids but not be there for 3 of the 6 YOU created. My mom never kept us from him. He just never wanted to be around.
 
stick said:
This part is embarrassing but I cannot do IV anything. It is full on phobia level (even typing it out makes me feel ill) and I had an autistic as fuck panic attack about it when the oral surgeon made it seem like the only way forward. Doomed to always be worried that my mouth is a bit stinky, I guess.
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Did you consider getting prescribed diazepam (or whatever is your local name for valium) and consulting it with the next guy? You can't drive afterwards either way.
Some doctors in some parts of the world just aren't in favour of mind-altering substances (as if those weren't a part of the IV sedation itself anyway), but afaik, one-time use should be relatively safe even for kids.
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
just wanted to know why he wasn't there. And he just kept repeating. "I don't know. I made mistakes." And Im sorry but that's not good enough for me. It's not good enough for me when you contributed to a lack of structure and weren't there for us when we needed you.
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Be aware you may not get an answer and make your peace with that. Whatever the answer is, you were a child, it wasnt your fault.

I feel flat. pessimistic, very little hope for the future.
 
2mm and 99 others said:
Did you consider getting prescribed diazepam (or whatever is your local name for valium) and consulting it with the next guy? You can't drive afterwards either way.
Some doctors in some parts of the world just aren't in favour of mind-altering substances (as if those weren't a part of the IV sedation itself anyway), but afaik, one-time use should be relatively safe even for kids.
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When I work up the nerve to set up an appointment with the new oral surgeon I'm going to ask them about it. I've never had it before, do you think that would be sufficient to chill me out if the next guy also determines that IV sedation is the only way? It's a phobia and a sensory thing for me.
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
I'm not doing very well. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer recently and the doctor says about 6-12 months is what we have left considering he doesn't want to do chemo. We saw him today and it was time we asked him some hard questions so we could get it all on the table before moving on and trying to spend the rest of our time with him. But he got mad that we even decided to ask even though he knew these questions were coming.

My dad wasn't around much, for context. He'd always make these promises to come see us. See me on my birthday, pick me up for a weekend, spend time or whatever. I would sit out on the porch for hours waiting for someone who would never come. But if he wanted to see my brother he'd see my brothers and my eldest sister all he wanted. And even if it never used to be that way, it makes me feel some kind of way to know he values them more than me and my other sister. It's humiliating to defend him, to want to love him despite knowing all he'll ever do is disappoint me.

I just wanted to know why he wasn't there. And he just kept repeating. "I don't know. I made mistakes." And Im sorry but that's not good enough for me. It's not good enough for me when you contributed to a lack of structure and weren't there for us when we needed you. He stormed out of the house and drove away. Which is ironic, considering when things get real he runs away. Just like he did when I was a kid.

I want to make better memories, but I can't if he won't let us settle it. I'm not leaving it in the past, because I have a right to know why you decided you'd have 6 kids but not be there for 3 of the 6 YOU created. My mom never kept us from him. He just never wanted to be around.
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Fuck that's rough. First off you have my sympathies... it's a pain like no other see a parent on this condition, i can relate. If you want advise or friendly words i have them for you, but perhaps they'll piss you off more than help

My dad also wasn't around, though we saw each other almost everyday, he wasn't married to mom so he didn't live with us. I too wish he was around more, but sometimes wishing is all you can really do. I never got to ask him many things. I get you want closure, we all want closure because it brings peace, but saying you're sorry is sometimes the most difficult thing in life. Difficult for both your dad and for you. Your dad made his mistakes and you have every right to be upset and angry with him, but perhaps is better to compromise and just be there for him even though he wasn't there for you before. He made mistakes, but now he's a sick man, in a very painful condition, on his way out. He lived all his life not answering those questions you have, pursuing them now will do you no good. I think it's best to let it go and cherish your father while you still can. You still can make better memories with him, forgiving is the hardest thing to do

His story is about to end, yours is not. Maybe it's not worth it keeping ongoing story on a bitter tone?


Thread tax: taught some kids to make cassoulet, scolded some... uneventful day
 
Otterly said:
Be aware you may not get an answer and make your peace with that. Whatever the answer is, you were a child, it wasnt your fault.

I feel flat. pessimistic, very little hope for the future.
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Ive accepted that I may never get that answer but I had to ask before I didnt get the opportunity to. I want to make the best memories I can with him.

souschef said:
Your dad made his mistakes and you have every right to be upset and angry with him, but perhaps is better to compromise and just be there for him even though he wasn't there for you before. He made mistakes, but now he's a sick man, in a very painful condition, on his way out. He lived all his life not answering those questions you have, pursuing them now will do you no good. I think it's best to let it go and cherish your father while you still can. You still can make better memories with him, forgiving is the hardest thing to do
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It's more holding him accountable to what he wanted. And that was honesty and being blunt. But when it comes time for the hard stuff to get out of the way so we can move on, he runs. I can try and accept and move on with it now but as I said I had to ask or id regret it for the rest of my life like I did with my grandmother. Granted, my grandmother raised me so theres other things there with that. But id rather not have them left unsaid and unasked. Or else ill regret not doing it for the rest of my life.
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
Ive accepted that I may never get that answer but I had to ask before I didnt get the opportunity to. I want to make the best memories I can with him.
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Ok, so more about you needing to ask than him having to answer? I see. I hope you can make the most of the time you have together.
 
stick said:
When I work up the nerve to set up an appointment with the new oral surgeon I'm going to ask them about it. I've never had it before, do you think that would be sufficient to chill me out if the next guy also determines that IV sedation is the only way? It's a phobia and a sensory thing for me.
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The strength of the effect is individual, there are some people for who it doesn't work much even first time, or even does the opposite effect. My only advice would be try it some days before and watch instructional videos with IV drips when it starts to kick in.
Anyway, some surgeons prefer taking out all 4 at once even when it's not an emergency, because it saves time people spend on sick leave and rounds of antibiotics (only one instead of more). If you get someone who is willing to take out one or two at a time, in those cases is IV not used, except for particularly complicated cases.
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
Ive accepted that I may never get that answer but I had to ask before I didnt get the opportunity to. I want to make the best memories I can with him.



It's more holding him accountable to what he wanted. And that was honesty and being blunt. But when it comes time for the hard stuff to get out of the way so we can move on, he runs. I can try and accept and move on with it now but as I said I had to ask or id regret it for the rest of my life like I did with my grandmother. Granted, my grandmother raised me so theres other things there with that. But id rather not have them left unsaid and unasked. Or else ill regret not doing it for the rest of my life.
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Sometimes the silence is the best peacemaking. In my opinion you'll get nothing of it but pain

You don't have much time. Use it to bond with your dad instead of confronting him. There's no telling what's like inside his head right now. You didn't have him before but you have him now, make it count and don't hold grudges
 
I finally got the last piece of furniture needed to complete my place. I still want to get a nintendo for my birthday when it comes up but they're so expensive now. Tomorrow I'm going to sign up at the gym thats on the way home from work, it's the first chance I've had since I moved and at my old place the only gym that was along the way was still a bit off the path and had no showers so was gross, this one I literally drive right past on the way home so i should more easily guilt myself into going more. I suspect that some regular exercise every day should help me a bit.
 
I finally got the last piece of furniture needed to complete my place. I still want to get a nintendo for my birthday when it comes up but they're so expensive now. Tomorrow I'm going to sign up at the gym thats on the way home from work, it's the first chance I've had since I moved and at my old place the only gym that was along the way was still a bit off the path and had no showers so was gross, this one I literally drive right past on the way home so i should more easily guilt myself into going more. I suspect that some regular exercise every day should help me a bit.

it is a little tiring as for the past few years I've barely been able to keep my head above water. I have a decent paying job and I do keep my expenses down but everything is just so fucking expensive. I wanted to save money by just getting a room but literally the first place I looked at was a Chen House and I realised that I needed to raise my expectations just a little bit if i didn't want to be shanked and robbed by a crackhead neighbour. But I have a roof over my head, I got a car that works, my place is furnished, and i have no upcoming expenses. I do have to be careful with meal planning but since I'm trying to lose weight I can live with that.
 
souschef said:
Not burger but i yanked all four in the same day

Wasn't as uncomfortable as it sounds
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Mine are badly impacted, but not erupted so I guess they’re staying put. I often hear Americans talking about removal like it’s routine, I’m curious
 
fist_of_khonshu said:
I'm not doing very well. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer recently and the doctor says about 6-12 months is what we have left considering he doesn't want to do chemo. We saw him today and it was time we asked him some hard questions so we could get it all on the table before moving on and trying to spend the rest of our time with him. But he got mad that we even decided to ask even though he knew these questions were coming.
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Sorry to hear that. I've been there in both ways. My mom also had stage 4 Lung Cancer, a very aggressive one where she died in 6 months and would have died in 2 if she hadn't gotten Chemo. But I was close with her.

What I can relate to is my dad. He was never around, and he had the choice to. My mom remarried him decades later up to her death, but I went no contact with my dad after he said I killed my mother. (Years after her death.)

I told him I will talk to him when he quits drinking since he says horrible stuff when he drank. He died a few years ago and our fight was unresolved because he never quit drinking.

Sometimes a fight with a parent will be unresolved when they don't want to fix themselves.
 
Aghh I came back to the internet I hate myself barf

fist_of_khonshu said:
I would sit out on the porch for hours waiting for someone who would never come
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This breaks my heart. I’m angry for your childhood self, fellow kiwi. Why humans can be this cruel to their own offspring is beyond me.

I hope you can find ANY peace during your final memories with him.
 
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2mm and 99 others said:
The strength of the effect is individual, there are some people for who it doesn't work much even first time, or even does the opposite effect. My only advice would be try it some days before and watch instructional videos with IV drips when it starts to kick in.
Anyway, some surgeons prefer taking out all 4 at once even when it's not an emergency, because it saves time people spend on sick leave and rounds of antibiotics (only one instead of more). If you get someone who is willing to take out one or two at a time, in those cases is IV not used, except for particularly complicated cases.
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Gosh, I think mine might be a complicated case, then. The first oral surgeon I saw wanted to do one or two at a time, but insisted on the IV sedation. I actually proposed doing all 4 together, because in my mind getting them done and over with is preferable, and he shot that down as well. I'll see what I can do about getting diazepam.

Otterly said:
Do Americans routinely have their wisdom teeth removed even if they’re not causing problems?
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It would appear so. My sibling got all 4 taken out, and I don't believe any of them had even erupted yet. Tbqh I wish I had gotten them yoinked before they had a chance to become a problem. Apparently the roots are so deep they're almost touching nerves in my face, or something along those lines. They don't cause me pain currently, but I was told they could cause complications in the future if left alone. Plus it's gross and they're hard to clean.
 
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