How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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The Repeated Meme said:
It's a bad time to be a pc builder these days. Everything is just so expensive.
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Yup, it's costing me a lot more than it ever has. Prices have gone up on just about everything. I've been using Win 7 all these years and shudder at having to get 11 now. It's such a piece of shit I just wish they could make it function like 7. I'm tired of all the god damned pop-ups.
 
Mesh Gear Fox said:
Yup, it's costing me a lot more than it ever has. Prices have gone up on just about everything. I've been using Win 7 all these years and shudder at having to get 11 now. It's such a piece of shit I just wish they could make it function like 7. I'm tired of all the god damned pop-ups.
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You should definitely look into using Windows 10 iot LTSC or Windows 11 iot LTSC with startallback (startISback++ for 10). That fixes most of the issues people have with the consumer versions. I miss 7, too, but it's time to move on.

Resources: https://massgrave.dev/windows_ltsc_links (download iso) https://www.startallback.com/ https://www.startisback.com/ Activate windows: https://massgrave.dev/

Results:

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Looks a lot like 7, doesn't it?

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Also since these versions of windows don't come with any bloat, they run great, even on modest hardware. Something to consider!
 
I survived another few days with my mom and brother. I fail to understand just how my brother is so fucking useless. Still at home, has a room filled with trash and complains about everything but despite having poor people medical refuses to go to a doctor and make sure nothing is wrong. Mom probably would have strangled him if she wasn't relying on him for help with her medication and other stuff post stroke. He never drives much but it looks like he may finally be coming around to driving mom to check on the duplex vacation house/rental we have instead of me doing the 5 hour round trip drive every visit.

I mentioned something about coming back for Easter and mom suggested I could have stayed for the next 3 weeks. I politely declined instead of "Not a fucking chance in hell because it's likely I'd strangle you both."

In other... annoying news. I mentioned somewhere on the site I had to take a cert exam for work so we could sell a product that our sales team wanted to sell. Several of us took the exam, all passed. Work decided "Hey, let's send those employees food to thank them." So they had food shipped from one of those places that ships nationwide. The problems were: instead of cookies or cupcakes or something similar they got something highly perishable that needed to be cooked or frozen as soon as it arrived, and they didn't tell us they were doing it, first I heard was when I got the ship notification and I was 600 miles from home. So, it arrived and sat for several days at my front door that were probably above 60F. Rather than test out a new strain of botulism I just dumped the whole thing in the trash when I got home. At least it was well sealed so the neighborhood animals didn't smell it and tear the box open.
 
I'm doing okay! I drank a little too much and now I'm eating carrots with hummus. Also I got spoiled by really nice weather yesterday. Seeing all the crocuses and daffodils blooming is really nice.
 
I found out recently that someone who I once collaborated with for a group story thing, who fucked me over in our story later on, who ruined our story and villainized my character, has now been publicly exposed as a sexual predator who constantly manipulated, abused, and sexually harassed and tried to groom teenage gay boys, along with other people he worked with.

After many years of not being able to say anything about how much he fucked me over because he was well loved and had friends in high places, I'm glad to see that the public now knows just how much of an asshole this guy is.

It feels good, man.
 
General Patton said:
I found out recently that someone who I once collaborated with for a group story thing, who fucked me over in our story later on, who ruined our story and villainized my character, has now been publicly exposed as a sexual predator who constantly manipulated, abused, and sexually harassed and tried to groom teenage gay boys, along with other people he worked with.

After many years of not being able to say anything about how much he fucked me over because he was well loved and had friends in high places, I'm glad to see that the public now knows just how much of an asshole this guy is.

It feels good, man.
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It's wonderful when the once mighty fall.
 
I am getting all of my teeth fixed for the second time in 3 years. I take good care of them but have been on morphine for pain following a multi-trauma several years ago, which is what the dentist said has ruined my teeth. Luckily I've only had to lose one tooth in all this.

I have no qualms about going to the dentist, I'm luckily someone who is not phased by it but the cost is absolutely insane. Last time I got them fixed I took out a chunk of my superannuation to cover it, but this time is much harder to afford.

My life is 100% consumed by appointments with dental, Physio, GP, ortho, neuro. It often feels like a full time job. I'm grateful for what I have and can still do but, at only 33, I feel like such an old lady. While the cost of dental care is slowly bleeding me dry, I'm thankful I live in a country with universal healthcare as I honestly don't know what I would do without it and how people afford it otherwise.
 
Mesh Gear Fox said:
Yup, it's costing me a lot more than it ever has. Prices have gone up on just about everything. I've been using Win 7 all these years and shudder at having to get 11 now. It's such a piece of shit I just wish they could make it function like 7. I'm tired of all the god damned pop-ups.
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Did your computer just die or it turns on but won't boot? I miss windows 7, man. XP simps swear by it, but 7 was Microsoft's best OS. I'm still on Win10 on my windows machine and refuse to update to whatever jeet coded mess they're forcing upon users now

You could always give linux a try though. Linux is nowhere as hard and counterintuitive like it was back in the 2010s. Debian based distros are the best for beginners
 
I'm tired of waking up feeling like shit right off the bat. I've been in therapy for years, I've tried close to 20 different medications. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I'm even doing good, and it seems like mental health professionals consider that good enough, so long as you're not in crisis all the time. If you are in crisis all the time, all you get is resentment from family and judgment from professionals. So you work hard until you're miserable, but high functioning. Then no one takes you seriously. Who cares if you're either numb all the time, or waking up crying? You're not trying to kill yourself anymore, so we did our job! Maybe do some more worksheets in talk therapy. Oh, you have? For years? Try harder! Change your mindset! Sounds like a you problem! I'm just very frustrated with it all. Maybe it is a me problem. Maybe this is just as good as it gets.
 
stick said:
Who cares if you're either numb all the time, or waking up crying? You're not trying to kill yourself anymore, so we did our job! Maybe do some more worksheets in talk therapy. Oh, you have? For years? Try harder! Change your mindset! Sounds like a you problem! I'm just very frustrated with it all. Maybe it is a me problem. Maybe this is just as good as it gets.
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It's not just a you problem, many people are in this situation of "bare minimum" where they're treading their head above water hoping something won't push them down again and they stop trying to get above the waves and just let themselves drown. and it's a stretched world with resources very thin for the medical system combined with people in it that don't really care or are numb themselves from having experienced so much and this is just on the medical side of things.

Many people don't actually know what it is to suffer, they live very cushioned lives and any sort of detriment they've had pales in comparison to actual heartbreak like chronic disease, long term abuse, living without a family member that should be in their lives, having to take care of family members who are ultra fucked up/a husk of a person they once were because of drugs, and other things like that. so the best you'll get is sympathy but not empathy, sympathy is cheap, empathy is hard, really fucking hard.

And we also live in a world that's becoming increasingly nihilistic without morals were we believe all we are is just another mouth to feed instead of something more, i don't know what you think but this is sadly something that's getting worse and worse and it has the results of people starting to just...not care anymore because what's the point? to them this all there is and you better do the best you can to take care of yourself and if someone is too much of a hassle, oh well! drop em!

You're not alone in this kind of situation and i want you to know that, for what it's worth.
 
stick said:
I've been in therapy for years,
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Has your therapist ever told you wha the goal is? Or acknowledged there should be a point you don’t need to see them any more? I’m not sure what the point of long term therapy is, maybe it has some specific use, but to me, it should be short and to the point.
I’ve never met a worksheet I enjoyed either.
 
Gap Hag said:
And we also live in a world that's becoming increasingly nihilistic without morals were we believe all we are is just another mouth to feed instead of something more, i don't know what you think but this is sadly something that's getting worse and worse and it has the results of people starting to just...not care anymore because what's the point? to them this all there is and you better do the best you can to take care of yourself and if someone is too much of a hassle, oh well! drop em!

You're not alone in this kind of situation and i want you to know that, for what it's worth.
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I'm not sure what I think now. I used to be a very positive, empathetic, and passionate person. After the bad shit I've grown more and more numb to everything. Even when I feel happy, it's like I'm experiencing it through several layers of foggy glass, if that makes sense.
Thank you for your kind words.

Otterly said:
Has your therapist ever told you wha the goal is? Or acknowledged there should be a point you don’t need to see them any more? I’m not sure what the point of long term therapy is, maybe it has some specific use, but to me, it should be short and to the point.
I’ve never met a worksheet I enjoyed either.
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Ah, to be clear, I've seen a few different therapists throughout the years, with some gaps in between. Which is why I say "in therapy for years." Never really meshed with any of them until my current therapist. I'll guess it's maybe been a year with my current one? My memory is horrendous but I believe she did ask me initially what my goal was and I probably said I didn't know, so now we mostly process things and work on coping skills. Occasionally we try cutting the sessions down from weekly to every two weeks when I seem to be doing okay, but I always have a hard time staying afloat when we do that so we go back to weekly. Currently she's trying to get me to use a self compassion workbook, which I do think would be beneficial but I put off doing, which is my fault. Being nice to myself makes me extremely uncomfortable so I experience a lot of resistance when I try to do it. She has also gently tried to recommend other trauma-specific therapies, even looking through EMDR therapists with me, but I'm a bit too scared to make that jump just yet.

As I'm typing this out I realize that I kind of am the problem, and that I do need to try harder. Not in a bad way. I'll be nice and say that it IS hard, so it makes sense why I struggled so much to reach stability. I think what I'm actually bothered by is that I have to try so hard in the first place to be in an okay spot. "I didn't give myself PTSD, and now I have to be the one to fix it? That blows! How unfair!" Is what it actually boils down to, I guess, haha.
 
Otterly said:
May I humble propose a rational option 3?
You’re in a job you hate but which is presumably a step up from what you did before? Learn everything you can from it, with a view to using it as a stepping stone.
Make sure you’re documenting what you do if you move internally.
When you’ve got a bit of time in this job, however much it sucks, you’re in a better position to apply for the next step up - maybe that will involve a move, but try to see this as an unpleasant but necessary rung on the ladder.
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Issue is that there's nothing to learn here. The position went from being around other people and departments to being the back of a laundry. We were physically and politically severed and we're basically just customer support in a production. Except everything I do is wrong, I'm more or less getting bullied, and it's taking such a toll I can scarcely make myself look up other jobs. Both this job and the previous were pure luck, so who's to say I'd even be capable of landing a new one? Would it take 2 weeks or 8 months?

I gave in yesterday and sent a mail to my old employer. I got no reply today and an ex-coworker then told me they hired someone else. There might still be another spot for me but jesus christ what a gut punch. I had finally submitted to the idea that I prefer my health to my career, and even then that door slammed. I'm tempted to just quit to see if my boss takes it any serious. He almost had a meltdown over the machinist quitting, but we're literally not in a position to push me into another job which is usually a positive to public employment. I'm just so done.
Otterly said:
I struggle with this myself. Never really gotten into the workbook/journaling thing, I know it’s useful but my brain just cringes right off it.
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I tried it briefly but I ran out of shit to write. I already talk to myself a lot and generally sit around thinking, which I guess is what journaling replaces for people who're incapable of that.
 
stick said:
I'm not sure what I think now. I used to be a very positive, empathetic, and passionate person. After the bad shit I've grown more and more numb to everything. Even when I feel happy, it's like I'm experiencing it through several layers of foggy glass, if that makes sense.
Thank you for your kind words.
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I know how it is to become disillusioned with things after being beaten down into a fine pulp, and that feeling of "Wait....am i really even here? is my happiness real?" That foggyness is a constant thing and it's awful, but it's nice to have even if you're not sure it's real or if it's so minimal it's like a tiny blip on your pulse reminding you you're alive...or something.
Again just keep it in your head that you are not alone and that even if it's hard to find them, there are people out there who know what you're going through in some way and will listen to you.
 
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