How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Nick Wilde said:
You are supposed to feel individually responsible for every historical sin of your identity group.
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This is it isn’t it? Society has been fragmented and is controlled in part by this. You’re not supposed to identify with your country, your community, your wider family, or as an individual, you’re supposed to be a two dimensional caricature of your identity group. All those groups get stacked and pitted against each other because if everyone realises they have far more in common with, say, their social class regardless of sex or race, the higher ups are screwed. Or they realise they are part of their immediate community around them rather than an an imposed identity group community.
They also impose standards and beliefs to those imposed communities. So instead of being you, a nuanced human, you’re slapped with a load of labels and you’d better agree with the majority imposed set of opinions or beliefs or you’re outcast.
So you’re supposed to ‘be’ and brave one way and believe one set of things but you don’t, and that disconnect makes you feel like something is wrong. It’s making you feel like being black is wrong, when what’s really wrong is being told you should be and behave a way you don’t find organic.
Your discomfort is a stage along the way of breaking free from a lot of societal conditioning
 
Otterly said:
All those groups get stacked and pitted against each other because if everyone realises they have far more in common with, say, their social class regardless of sex or race, the higher ups are screwed
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Sums up the last 10-15 years of politics succinctly, yes. It gives me hope that more people seem to be realising it these days, but I fear the long term damage to people's collective ability to reason is already done.
 
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I want to do harm to myself but I'm trying not to.

Didn't sleep very well and even taking after gravols I was nauseous for most of the night.

Of course this is the day where Mother is not doing well and husband is having a health thing and I am expected to do my due diligence.

Filling out the application has brought up a lot of things and so I feel distracted and trying to not want to wallow in the fucking muck.
 
Otterly said:
Don’t take that stuff long term - long term use is linked to increased dementia risk, like a lot of similar stuff that has anticholinergic properties
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Noted. I have stopped abusing gravols for sleep and only take them when needed, like last night. The risk of Dementia is a big concern for me, because of my father but I really don't know what to do; I shouldn't take sleep aids because it's addictive so I don't sleep, I shouldn't take pain pills for the same reason and I shouldn't take gravol because it'll hasten the one thing I'm terrified of so I'm nauseous.

I don't want to be here either, living is shit.
 
Was meant to have this big imploding talk with my boss about how I don't sleep and this won't work out and I get laid off, but instead he just talked tasks, completely ignoring the underlying issue. I had just read a reddit post about people quitting for the first time over mental health and they all said it was worth it. The weather is getting warmer and more positive, yet my mental state is just tanked. I won't quit so I'd have to get fired and that won't happen, so I need to find a way to tread water.

The temp who got another temp gig visited today. She was told she'd be able to work remotely and shit, but they only got her a stationary PC so she literally can't. Kinda funny, doubt she'll stay if given the choice in half a year. Anyway: I don't know how low I should settle in finding another job. A lot of private jobs sound shady, but the few good and concrete public sector jobs are few and far between. To rely solely on those while suffering my current job doesn't seem feasible but I've no idea what else to do.

I get this yearning for just, something. Not friends or love, just somewhere to look to when I'm off work or otherwise bored. I got 3 Discords and they're all 2-messages-a-day slop, or nothing but meme posts so fast you can't keep up. Few friends I have are set to invisible and they're doomposting for the most part.
 
I have subtle thoughts about the inevitable march of time and the progressive enshittification of the world around me

But it comes and goes quickly, sucks when it happens though
 
Nick Wilde said:
If you'd let me casually call you "my nigga" you're good enough for me.
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I've always been very "I don't care if white people say the n word", but that's mainly cause I've always been scared people are gonna get mad at me if I get uncomfortable with it. I guess being a pussy pays off!
Nick Wilde said:
And still others take a perverse pleasure in self-flagellating for their group's sins, and bask in the validation of being One Of The Good Ones.
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This is me, I sorta took pride in being the black you could angrily call a nigger and I'd just bow my head, nod, and say "I'm sorry, you're right".
Otterly said:
You’re not supposed to identify with your country
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I used to be proud to be African, and that was just it. I was proud to come from a country with rich history. I feel bad doing that now.
Motherf*cker said:
I want to do harm to myself but I'm trying not to.
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I'd love to help but can't cause to this day I have no clue how I stopped cutting. I think I just forgot where the razors were?
 
Hikknajdiw said:
I'm okay it's just that my throat itches and I feel like it's going to be another seasonal cold again.
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I've somehow managed to catch a cold three separate times since Christmas. Once from one of my dickhead friends who took a sip of my beer when he had a cold, once from a sick family member, and once from ???. Only the second actually got me sick-sick, and I had to spend a weekend in bed. The other two were those head colds where you're not sick enough to miss work, but just sick enough for it to be an annoyance. I guess it's just been a rough winter for colds this year.
 
Getmeout said:
How do more people not know this? Before you get ANY pill, ask a professional whether you need it at all first. Second opinions also help, talk to different psychiatrists to see if the meds you're on are right for you. I have had about 3 psychiatrists confirm that the meds I'm on are good, so I'm confident in them.

Thready taxy:
I feel like I'm going to vomit, I read the thread on that 12 yr old rape case and I hate being black again. It's not fair that we can't just choose our race cause I would've chosen to be white in an instant. The case reminded me a lot of my own COCSA. I feel like I'm going to vomit, I'm such a nigger, I hate being a nigger. I'm just going to be bundled up in my blankets so I don't have to look at my body. I can just pretend I'm white.
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dawg everyone who’s racist on the internet is a basement dwelling incel and everyone whos racist offline is like a 55 year old magapede #israelfirst supporter. don't prostrate yourself for these people.

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Switching my bachelors from IT to cloud engineering. IM GONNA BE AN ENGINEER!!!!!!!!!!! :biggrin::biggrin::biggrin::biggrin: Got a bit tired of just sticking around fundamental/foundational IT shit and I realized the rest of this degree is gonna be more of the same. I wanna work with cloud shit anyway so the pointed degree vs the generalist IT degree will be very good, instead of getting the general IT degree THEN having to work on further cloud education. Hope I don't want to kill myself when I get deep into virtualization and shit but I've been gliding through on these easy IT classes so worst case scenario, god forbid I have to actually put in 20hr a week of studying.
 
First appointment at the 'ward done. The nurse who was talking to me and asking me a bunch of questions felt slightly condescending but I'll chalk it up to me just being a sensitive cunt.
Took a long nap after, then had sushi for dinner with my parents. I'm shocked and annoyed that I feel like I've been through the wringer despite my otherwise low energy day.
Oh well, could be worse.
 
I had to stop the therapist from calling the cops, yes I want to die but really what are they going to do? They're going to take me to the hospital where I will be ignored for hours and then have people who looked and act like they're irritated at me for taking up their time. They will ask me if I mean it and when I do they will let me sit a while more, three or four hours to think again about my life choices and then tell me to fuck off because there's lots of crazy people and there's no beds foo, maybe in four month from now.
I wouldn't imagine the hysterics which would arise from this little statement of intent. Nooo you can't die, who would wash the dishes!?!

Great news my therapist is also retiring and she wants pawn me off on someone else. Someone who I don't have a rapport with and have no interest in sharing my life story to get the preprogrammed therapist speak, overly hopefully saccharine horsehit.
 
Vyvanse hasn’t really been working out for me. Only time I really felt a difference (beyond appetite which I’ll get back to) was when I accidentally took 40 mg and stayed up for like two days. Other than that, nothing.

The only good effect was cutting my hunger down to nothing. I’ve been meaning to cut around 20 pounds for the summer and it’s already gotten me halfway there.
 
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