How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Squanto Airi]

I was fighting sleep today. Only had 2 hrs of sleep before having to go to an OSHA class. Do not recommend doing that.

Luckily I got more sleep, and waiting to go and finish up.

 

[Liquid denim]

Moved to a new department and my new boss is mentoring me until I pick up the pace. She is pretty, but her attitude and knowledge makes her prettier. It might be dumb to say, but I might have a crush on my boss

 

[Banquet Meal]

i hate night time...im back to not being able to sleep again, and the more i sit in the dark, all alone, the more i start thinking about anything and everything. i have absolutely ZERO reason to even feel depressed.

i have everything i want, im not lacking for anything. i can do whatever i want for the most part, i have no pressing crises at the moment...so what the hell could be the matter? :/
its all so stupid...made up nonsense, really. so sick of these mood swings. i just want to be like happy, or even sad. either one is fine, but i just want to stick with it for more than a month at a time

 

[long waters]

Moved to a new department and my new boss is mentoring me until I pick up the pace. She is pretty, but her attitude and knowledge makes her prettier. It might be dumb to say, but I might have a crush on my boss

This can not end well chief. Or maybe it can, it just has higher odds of ending up in total disaster.

 

[PetiteFeet]

So I've had a few weeks to realize this. I can SEE everything in clarity now. The antidepressants suppressed my actual feelings/thoughts/true self. I originally went on antidepressants as my circumstances at that time were genuinely bleak.

I've had decades worth of experience since then, looking back it was a clutch but it was not meant to be a long term clutch. How many things did I miss or misunderstand due to this clutch filtering everything? That's going to haunt me forever. Fuck this.

Get your loved ones to a psychologist FIRST before dumbing them down with antidepressants

When I was a teenager, my mood started to shift. Yes, teenagers are dramatic and hormones fuck us up, but I started suicidally ideating (correct turn of phrase? ESL debuff) and all that jazz. Wrote my parents a suicide note when I was 14 ish. I want to say I tried a handful of different options with regards to therapy, none of them really worked either because of a lack of chemistry, a lack of proper therapist training or the therapist asked all the wrong questions.
I was put on anti depressants when I was almost done with 9th grade (the last mandatory schooling year where I'm from, equivalent of high school) and while they did help, it wasn't a psychiatrist who put me on them.
Timeskip through the next 20 odd years, I've tried multiple different types of anti depressants and different brands of drugs. I don't know whether or not my mood has naturally stabilised since then, the longest I've been off anti depressants was back in late 2019/early 2020 when I was switched from one drug to another.
No mental health professional has ever considered fully weaning me off anti depressants. I haven't been "clean" since I was a teenager. I'm nearing my mid 30s now.

Is it a crutch I would rather have been without? No, I'm 99% certain I would have killed myself at some point if I hadn't been put on meds.
Do I think it's baffling that no one put their foot down and considered how your brain changes as you age? Yes. A million times yes. Especially now when professionals are slowly opening their eyes to the fact that anti depressants have deep ramifications to the person on them/weaning off them.

My biggest regret is not discovering my personality disorder sooner. The root of my misery is AvPD. My depression and anxiety are symptoms of it.
I can't get my youth back, and I grieve it.

I know null says depression is fake and that you just need to work out, but I half disagree with him. Mental illness is definitely real but the first step shouldn't be medication, it should be therapy and possibly even mandatory lifestyle changes. Learning to eat properly, maintaining a healthy, balanced diet instead of eating plastic. Exercise. Socialising, possibly even in smaller groups rather than being thrown into the deep end and forced to socialise in a classroom setting with 25+ other kids/young adults. Touching grass.

i hate night time...im back to not being able to sleep again, and the more i sit in the dark, all alone, the more i start thinking about anything and everything. i have absolutely ZERO reason to even feel depressed.

i have everything i want, im not lacking for anything. i can do whatever i want for the most part, i have no pressing crises at the moment...so what the hell could be the matter? :/
its all so stupid...made up nonsense, really. so sick of these mood swings. i just want to be like happy, or even sad. either one is fine, but i just want to stick with it for more than a month at a time

As much as I claim to love evening and night, it's also the point during the day where my darkest thoughts appear. There's comfort in knowing the entire world is asleep, but it also provokes anxiety in me for some reason.
Can you safely take a walk around your neighbourhood and soak in the stars rather than ruminating at home? Alternatively, read a book or listen to some music that isn't high intensity (sorry, no death metal for you) to take your mind off of things.
I really enjoy watching hoof trimming when I can't stop my thoughts from spiralling.

 

[Leather Gliscor]

I'm excited for springtime! I enjoy getting blasted by bright spring sunlight and warmer weather. I like the sunlit evenings because they make the day feel longer. Breaking out the spring cookbook and maybe making lemon bars & blood orange marmalade soon.

 

[Otterly]

one of them turned around, gave me a finger wag and big "lmao nice try dickhead" smirk to compound my embarrassment.

What mean bitches. That’s really awful.

 

[Squanto Airi]

Moved to a new department and my new boss is mentoring me until I pick up the pace. She is pretty, but her attitude and knowledge makes her prettier. It might be dumb to say, but I might have a crush on my boss

Can't wait for the anime adaptation of "My Boss Can't Possibly Be This Cute".

 

[Me•cha•ni•cal]

So I've had a few weeks to realize this. I can SEE everything in clarity now. The antidepressants suppressed my actual feelings/thoughts/true self. I originally went on antidepressants as my circumstances at that time were genuinely bleak.

I think a lot of people make this mistake. depression made you lose touch with yourself, made you feel suppressed and removed your sense of clarity to begin with. the meds helped you feel good enough to not need them anymore.

Once you feel good enough to quit you should. Eventually you just reach an equilibrium and have to up the dosage if you ever become depressed again. It’s better to get off of them and get on them again if you need them.

Learning to eat properly, maintaining a healthy, balanced diet instead of eating plastic. Exercise. Socialising, possibly even in smaller groups rather than being thrown into the deep end and forced to socialise in a classroom setting with 25+ other kids/young adults. Touching grass.

This is the key to it all, cover all your basic needs and you’re golden. depression naturally stops you from having energy or caring enough to take care of yourself, eventually you stop wanting things for yourself and start going into low-power mode. that’s when meds can really work their magic. I’m talking about being in a borderline catatonic state or in severe crisis.

Depression is usually a sign you need to rest and recover. If things aren’t that bad yet, I think therapy is a better option, along with taking better care of yourself, separating yourself from whatever is causing you stress, reevaluating what it is you want out of life, etc.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Dog softly sleeping behind me, she's letting out some tiny woofs. I think she's chasing the neighbours cat
All is well.

 

[Spilled Spaghett]

So I've had a few weeks to realize this. I can SEE everything in clarity now. The antidepressants suppressed my actual feelings/thoughts/true self. I originally went on antidepressants as my circumstances at that time were genuinely bleak.

I've tried probably every kind of anti-depressant you can think of and this is the best it gets. Medicine can't produce happiness, it can at best dull the pain at the cost of all emotion. I decided I would rather be sad because at least I can feel something. My issues are not something that can be solved with medicine. It's not a medical condition but a very reasonable response to my entire life being fucked up beyond repair.

 

[Getmeout]

Get your loved ones to a psychologist FIRST before dumbing them down with antidepressants

How do more people not know this? Before you get ANY pill, ask a professional whether you need it at all first. Second opinions also help, talk to different psychiatrists to see if the meds you're on are right for you. I have had about 3 psychiatrists confirm that the meds I'm on are good, so I'm confident in them.

Thready taxy:

Spoiler: Race sperging

I feel like I'm going to vomit, I read the thread on that 12 yr old rape case and I hate being black again. It's not fair that we can't just choose our race cause I would've chosen to be white in an instant. The case reminded me a lot of my own COCSA. I feel like I'm going to vomit, I'm such a nigger, I hate being a nigger. I'm just going to be bundled up in my blankets so I don't have to look at my body. I can just pretend I'm white.

 

[Tanuki Mixed Nuts]

I don't hate my job, but I'm burnt out bad. I need it for the money, and at least need to use my sick hours and vacation before opting for something else (if that's in the cards), so I'm planning on a hand surgery I was needing to get being the use of all that, but it's got a long wait and travel I've got to do to have it done by the same surgery by previous stuff has been by. Life continues as always to throw shit that wastes time and money at me. Been more productive with the warming weather but still feel horribly out of shape and not doing near as much as I could.

Set up some dating app to see if that interested me but I find myself unable to quantify who I even am as a person these days. I have interests and hobbies but I haven't been able to participate in a long long time, and whatever I had of those works or projects has been wiped from existence years ago in hardware failure and a stupidly ineffective backup setup. Leaves me feeling empty, like I don't regret finding myself here, as it wasn't really any fault of my own, but at the same time I can't help but wish for things to have gone differently. Perhaps I'd feel less empty as that version of myself.

 

[bliblblblbbllb]

Race sperging

Not all blacks are niggers. A true racist knows this.
You should read some threads about Indians- maybe that will cheer you up.

Spoiler: race sperging + religion too

Basically every racial group ever- especially those present in the US- has some degree of ancestral trauma, and I'd argue every society has some sort of disgusting roots that's totally maligned with modern moral rules and even basic empathy. The root of human civilization was probably full of raping women, robbing the neighboring village and leaving them all to starve to death, brutally killing animals in the least humane ways possible, neglecting children like crazy. Frankly I think the Bible addresses a lot of this, and a lot of the OT in specific and its rules that seem so crazy are because those populations needed those types of rules in that era of humanity. (And similar with the New Covenant.)
What does this mean? It means I definitely think there are populations that could never adapt if you plopped them in a world-class university. They'd never learn. They need a few generations of learning in a way like you'd train a naughty dog. They have actual epigenetic trauma from generations upon generations of living uncivilized. But that's a belief I hold on a more societal level. If I have a single minority student in my class, well the solution is to treat them like anybody else, hold them to the same standards, and have the same expectations. On an individual level you can't judge people on where they come from. Wanting to participate in society and act like not-a-nigger is also a good thing, and so we shouldn't discriminate- if somebody can pass the same tests or clear the barriers to entry like anybody else, race or color shouldn't be a factor holding people back.

Consider taking pity that "your people" are down so bad, rather than feel blame and shame for things you didn't do. Also, maybe identify with strong, well-adjusted blacks, rather than literal rapist niggers. Everybody can point to good and bad examples within their groups. Do you really think you need to be white to not feel associated with rapists? Maybe we make you white, but you are reborn as one of the inbred rural Appalachians like the sorry Whittakers, barking and spitting. Obviously color itself is not the factor in play here.

It is an old story in my family that several people's nigger-hatred was broken by Charley Pride. A lot of people heard and enjoyed his music without ever realizing he was black, because he "sings white." He really never tried to be a racial advocate or anything, but he made a lot of people realize the truth that blacks aren't all niggers.

You shouldn't feel shame for the color of your skin. (I am a comically racist Kiwifarms user.)

---

I'm all laid up with RSV and a sinus infection. I haven't done anything productive in like 3 days.

 

[Getmeout]

Not all blacks are niggers. A true racist knows this.
You should read some threads about Indians- maybe that will cheer you up.

Spoiler: race sperging + religion too

Basically every racial group ever- especially those present in the US- has some degree of ancestral trauma, and I'd argue every society has some sort of disgusting roots that's totally maligned with modern moral rules and even basic empathy. The root of human civilization was probably full of raping women, robbing the neighboring village and leaving them all to starve to death, brutally killing animals in the least humane ways possible, neglecting children like crazy. Frankly I think the Bible addresses a lot of this, and a lot of the OT in specific and its rules that seem so crazy are because those populations needed those types of rules in that era of humanity. (And similar with the New Covenant.)
What does this mean? It means I definitely think there are populations that could never adapt if you plopped them in a world-class university. They'd never learn. They need a few generations of learning in a way like you'd train a naughty dog. They have actual epigenetic trauma from generations upon generations of living uncivilized. But that's a belief I hold on a more societal level. If I have a single minority student in my class, well the solution is to treat them like anybody else, hold them to the same standards, and have the same expectations. On an individual level you can't judge people on where they come from. Wanting to participate in society and act like not-a-nigger is also a good thing, and so we shouldn't discriminate- if somebody can pass the same tests or clear the barriers to entry like anybody else, race or color shouldn't be a factor holding people back.

Consider taking pity that "your people" are down so bad, rather than feel blame and shame for things you didn't do. Also, maybe identify with strong, well-adjusted blacks, rather than literal rapist niggers. Everybody can point to good and bad examples within their groups. Do you really think you need to be white to not feel associated with rapists? Maybe we make you white, but you are reborn as one of the inbred rural Appalachians like the sorry Whittakers, barking and spitting. Obviously color itself is not the factor in play here.

It is an old story in my family that several people's nigger-hatred was broken by Charley Pride. A lot of people heard and enjoyed his music without ever realizing he was black, because he "sings white." He really never tried to be a racial advocate or anything, but he made a lot of people realize the truth that blacks aren't all niggers.

You shouldn't feel shame for the color of your skin. (I am a comically racist Kiwifarms user.)

Thank you, I still feel a bit upset though. Idk how to describe it, it almost feels dysphoric in nature. I just don't get this concept that some races are inferior, yet we're not allowed to choose our race. It feels fundamentally unfair that I have to be linked to something I never chose to be linked to. And I guess the solution is "Well just because you look alike doesn't mean you're linked to it", but that's not easy to internalize when there's headline number 57 of "Black guy blows up train". I get what you mean when you say that being reborn white wouldn't necessarily fix much, but I can't shake this feeling that life would be better if I was white. Like I said, it feels almost dysphoric in nature. In my head the thought process is "I'm supposed to be a good person, I can't be black and a good person, so then why am I black?". Maybe I have some sort of inferiority complex internalized, I love Jack, but I really haven't been the same since that one scuffle I had with him about the Ukranian lady.

To an extent, it's also hard to resolve to take pity on the others. Cause that would involve acknowledging myself as better, and that's something I never learned how to do. So putting all of that crap on my back feels like the only way I can process it.

Maybe I should stop mentioning this in this thread though, cause although I appreciate the wise words, I don't think they're actually landing in my head and I don't wanna turn into an LBT. Maybe this is just one of those things that will forever be apart of my psyche, everyone has that one thing after all. Back in 2020 everyone had white guilt, and presumably never got over it. I got black guilt, other people probably do too.

 

[Glaust]

Thready taxy:

Spoiler: Race sperging

I feel like I'm going to vomit, I read the thread on that 12 yr old rape case and I hate being black again. It's not fair that we can't just choose our race cause I would've chosen to be white in an instant. The case reminded me a lot of my own COCSA. I feel like I'm going to vomit, I'm such a nigger, I hate being a nigger. I'm just going to be bundled up in my blankets so I don't have to look at my body. I can just pretend I'm white.

Be the shining example that people seek to follow regardless of race or appearance.

To quote Mewtwo (I know; it seemed relevant ok):

I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.

The fact you're even thinking about this, at all, proves that you're acting beyond certain stereotypes. I can't offer any further advice, regarding self hate but know that just because you rolled some metaphorical dice and (in your view) got an undesirable outcome, it doesn't mean you have to be defined by these things forever.

 

[Getmeout]

Be the shining example that people seek to follow regardless of race or appearance.

It just feels like a big hurdle, for me a black person, to be good enough for people to look up to. But I know that's probably just me projecting, and there's probably already people in my life that look up to me. Probably even white people in my life who look up to me. For some reason.

 

[long waters]

I just don't get this concept that some races are inferior, yet we're not allowed to choose our race. It feels fundamentally unfair that I have to be linked to something I never chose to be linked to.

Thinking in these terms is useless and does nothing good for you. Things like superiority and inferiority depend on context and what specific actions or goals you have in mind. On an individual level, your choices will ultimately make a bigger difference.

It feels fundamentally unfair that I have to be linked to something I never chose to be linked to. [...] Like I said, it feels almost dysphoric in nature. In my head the thought process is "I'm supposed to be a good person, I can't be black and a good person, so then why am I black?". Maybe I have some sort of inferiority complex internalized, [...]

Many people struggle with this. "I'm supposed to be Y but I'm actually X. I can't be X and be Y at the same time, why am I X?" It's definitely an "in your head" kind of problem. I think it's the same as having an incel mindset, in the sense that it's a problem that becomes real because you think it is a problem and thinking this way makes it real. It's thinking that there is something wrong with yourself in the first place that is the problem. As long as you have a moral code and live by it, you're good.

 

[Otterly]

Spoiler: Race sperging

That’s not something you should feel bad about. None of us can help what we were born as. I think even some of the most turbo racist people on here have people in their lives who they like who aren’t the same colour as them, and I think for all the talk, a lot of us just take people as they find them. In my experience, the people others call racist actually aren’t - in the uk for example I’m very much against infinite Muslim immigration as a thing, but I have Iranian friends who I like very much. I don’t see them as part of that goat-sacrificing-in-the-street horde, mentally they’re categorised as my friend.
You’re not responsible for what ‘other people who look like you’ do. You’re responsible for your own life and behaviour. Decent people take others as they find them, and every race has decent people and idiots.

In my head the thought process is "I'm supposed to be a good person, I can't be black and a good person, so then why am I black?".

Yeah I get it. Years of being female on here, I get it. I’m maybe not as strong or superior, but I can’t help that. Are you a decent person? That’s all that counts really, you can’t do more. You’re not responsible for the actions of everyone who falls into the same category of skin colour as you, any more than I’m responsible for the actions of All Women. Anyone who treats you badly simply for your skin is wrong.
I am someone who is very very hard on themselves, and perhaps you are too, and you’re latching onto a single external difference marker to excuse it to yourself? Maybe think deeper about why you’re so harsh towards yourself (she says, in a sublime moment of utter hypocrisy.)

 

[Nick Wilde]

It just feels like a big hurdle, for me a black person, to be good enough for people to look up to.

If you'd let me casually call you "my nigga" you're good enough for me.

I got black guilt, other people probably do too.

It is the same with all of the modern day values, it's all very Catholic in that regard. You are supposed to feel individually responsible for every historical sin of your identity group. Some people are egotistical enough to think "it's only OTHER group who did bad things. My group has never done anything wrong, and if it did, it was BECAUSE of the other group." And still others take a perverse pleasure in self-flagellating for their group's sins, and bask in the validation of being One Of The Good Ones.

It's all very retarded. You can only hold yourself responsible for your own actions.