How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Getmeout said:
One of the people checking on me mentioned "PTSD" but I doubt I have that cause iirc that's really fucking rare and only happens to like war vets. I just had a shitty childhood.
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This isn't true. It's more about perception of safety than the "severity" of the trauma. A kid doesn't know the difference between a war zone and a parent hurting them, for example. I can't diagnose you from the internet, so I won't, but I would like to add that the only purpose of a diagnosis is to guide your treatment plan (or to bill your insurance for said treatment plans). You don't need a diagnosis to benefit from the tools for it. Look up PTSD coping skills and see what you think.
 
>Wander outside out of frustration from a very unproductive day trying to get things working, extremely mad at myself
>It's a surprisingly sunny and hot day, try to find some shade and a quiet place to sit in a park
>Almost step on a bunch of cool-looking wild flowers while lost in thought
>Decide to leave them be
>As I walk away, I look back
>Kids found the flowers, and look pretty satisfied about it
>Frustration and anger instantly melts away

It's always the simplest of things, isn't it?
 
keke said:
Not everything needs to be medicalised, you can have a stress response without having an actual PTSD disorder.
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I've heard of that, where you have "traits" of a disorder but not the actual disorder.
stick said:
This isn't true. It's more about perception of safety than the "severity" of the trauma. A kid doesn't know the difference between a war zone and a parent hurting them, for example. I can't diagnose you from the internet, so I won't, but I would like to add that the only purpose of a diagnosis is to guide your treatment plan (or to bill your insurance for said treatment plans). You don't need a diagnosis to benefit from the tools for it. Look up PTSD coping skills and see what you think.
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I just usually don't feel comfortable treating something a certain way unless it's on paper. I remember when I was a teen, I refused all nutrition plans and nutrient shakes until they documented "Eating disorder" on a piece of paper. Maybe that's something unhealthy on my part, just don't feel comfortable fixing something unless I'm 100% sure what the problem is. Until the problem is diagnosed, I just pretend there is no problem.
 
Zirnwyb said:
After years of being a fucked up little weirdo I finally got a diagnosis for what the hell is wrong with my head. As it turns out I have ADHD which almost certainly explains a lot of my childhood years, teenage years, and my current adulthood. It only took a bit over 30 years to finally have someone figure this out. Anyway, my insurance still hasn't approved of the non-stimulant meds I was prescribed and they decided they don't feel like covering the appointment I had with the shrink so I'm responsible for it and I fucking cannot afford to pay that bill. Overall, I'm happy I finally got a diagnosis, but I'm fucking stressed over this bill I have now for that appointment. Part of me is now wondering if it was worth getting the diagnosis at all because of that stupid fucking bill.
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It was probably worth it. Major pharmacies will have discount cards that cover most of the cost of a lot of meds. Ignore the fucking bill until you have the money. If you want to get on top of it contact them about a payment plan. It will end any harassment and move you forward. You are not the first person to not be able to afford healthcare. Save your receipts, you can get reimbursement if you keep at it. Bureaucracy sucks but it's a process you can handle if you've got a pulse and can delay gratification a bit.
 
PetiteFeet said:
Now, I'm not worried he's gonna croak on me any time soon. I'd just like for him to fully understand how I feel despite, or because of, everything.
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Then you shouldn't wait. There's still time

My relationship was alright with my dad. It was him that made me interested in cooking for the first time. I remember the first thing we cooked together, it was supposed to be a spinach lasagna but we found no spinach so we did aspargus (soup) lasagna instead. It was good though, we did that on carnival

He didn't want me to become a cook though, he said it was not a profession for men. So i ended up working with him instead. BORN TO COOK FORCED TO WAGESLAVE

Later on i would change professions but anyway... Dad was fine until he wasn't. He stopped smoking after 60 years of smoking and it all went to shit, until it finally took him away, I remember the last phone call, he called me big boy. He never called me that, something told me it was the last time we spoke. Died on the same week

So cherish your dad while you still have him
 
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Viriatus said:
Damnit i really need to find a service other than UberEats to deliver my pizzas. Once again they chose a Jeet to deliver the pizza, and his name is just as ridiculous as that other guy from a week ago ( now it's some guy named Ezazur )...
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Is it possible to go to the restaurant to pick up the pizzas?
 
I am sad.

A year ago I was in high spirits, perhaps for the first time ever: Got a real job, got some friends, was enjoying making youtube videos (did ones on KF Doom2 and the KF Game Jam, which were fun), and even a woman I was hoping to get to know better in case she turned out to be cool. Set up a garage speakeasy to encourage people to hang out and play videogames and get drunk for free.

Now: one of my two best friends has died, the rest have scattered to the wind, as did the woman. I want my workplace to hurry up and shut down so I don't have to keep working here (the business is failing, they keep pressuring me - a cash register jockey - to fix it). I don't want to keep making videos both because I don't have the energy anymore and because youtube is a demoralizing platform. Every effort to try and make or find a new social circle has failed, for multiple reasons. I discovered the Indie Web, a return to Web1.0 personal sites, and the few places I've looked into like Cyberspace.Online have turned out to be full of troons, attention whores, and habitual trauma-dumpers. I am back to feeling fundamentally alone.

It was fun being able to believe for a while that there was a way up to the higher tiers of Mazlowe's Hierarchy of needs, but now it's back to the reality that even the 1st and 2nd tiers are tenuous at best, and anything beyond that is asking too much.

I am sad.
 
Getmeout said:
Until the problem is diagnosed, I just pretend there is no problem.
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But you've acknowledged that there is a problem. You are experiencing symptoms that are causing you distress and interfering with your ability to take the class you enjoy. I hope you get past this hangup and find ways to help yourself.
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
Every time I think I'm doing ok and feeling better something makes me realize that normal people are independent, and living full lives doing things I couldn't even imagine were possible. It fills me with such existential dread at how I've wasted my whole life that the cycle repeats itself. There really is so much more out there, life is beautiful, and I don't think I'll ever experience any of it.
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Don't worry too hard. Even Hitler didn't really get started until he was in his 40s.
 
Stressed and drinking more. Hoping I can make something of myself this year. I want to make myself proud for once, be and do something real, something I can be proud of. Something worth more than empty platitudes and better luck next time. I can't fail this time I don't know what I can do if I don't succeed. I don't want to come back a failure I don't know how I'd face them or myself, there is too much riding on this I don't want to go back to being a nobody who only talks to people on Sundays at Church. I have a real chance to be someone. Someone with friends, money and a future. It's my best shot all I can do is pray and give it my all or die trying. I trust what God has planned for me I just pray I am strong enough to see it through.
stress.jpg
 
Fuck this city and everyone in it. Have a physio therapy appointment at 11:30AM, got ready 20 minutes ago, went to the bus stop only to find out that the public transit CUNTS are on strike yet again (busses, subway and trams) from today until Sunday 3AM. No announcement beforehand, nothing. No way for me to reach the practice on time now, if i had known the bastards were on strike i would've walked, which would've taken me more than an hour but fuck it. My back is kind of alright but i still would've liked to finish my fucking appointments, got my last one on Monday. I don't know if they give me an additional one for the one i am missing today, i hope they do because i am paying for this shit. Pisses me off to no end, also ruined my weekend plans, now i sit at home with my dick in my hands (metaphorically speaking) until next week.

Edit: Well, how about that? The dude from the health coaching gig i was supposed to start in December last year already just called me, gonna start on Monday. I would've missed this call if i were at my physical therapy appointment (phone would've been on "Do not disturb"). Everythingwentbetterthanexpected.png.
Rocket-fueled Wheelchair said:
Been there. Went down from 20 mg to 5 mg by 5 mg at a time without any issues. When I got down to 5 mg I thought I could just stop. My skeleton was on fire. You don’t even have sensation in your bones and that shit hurt. I finally understand how heroin addicts feel when they’re withdrawing. It was a living hell.

I made a schedule where I took it every other day for 2 weeks, then every 3rd day for 2 weeks, etc. and then stopped completely. It went a lot better. Then life went to shit and I’m back on 5 mg. I’m ready to get off it again as soon as the days get longer, this shit is poison.
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Been there as well, more times than i can count, always cold turkey because i am a retard like that. The absolute worst was coming off of paroxetine, had six months of brain zaps and other assorted discontinuation bullshit. Funny how you mention heroin, i read a study last year about SSRI/SNRI discontinuation symptoms and after years of doctors downplaying that shit they came to the conclusion that zog pill discontinuation is often on par with opiate/opioid withdrawals and in some cases even worse. I'd link the study but i can't remember its correct title and Google is giving me shit right now. It was attached to a thread in A&N but i am not finding it with a quick search there as well.
 
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Gotta keep in mind that no matter how shit this year has been I've still managed to reach some personal goals. Cut out weed and been clean since new years, got my vape nic strength down to a 3 from 24, and managed to get my drinking down to 2-3 beers whenever I do drink. Even have orientation for a technical school today and cooked some serious bombass food recently. I'm just nearing a limit from stress and gotta keep in mind that the shit stuff is short term while all this good stuff I've done is long term.
 
I am getting irritated again, between picking up, washing dishes, doing laundry, taking out garbages this or that there is always one more job I have to do and it's just told to me in an annoying matter of fact way now that this is what I need to get done without much beyond that.

When I was feeling poorly, I was exhausted and nauseous but I still managed to get everything done without anyone seemingly noticing how badly I was doing or any sort of thank you.

After I wake up and while I'm making breakfast, I spend about an hour in the kitchen: putting away dishes, washing dishes, emptying the dishwasher, clearing the dish rack etc.

Mom needed to refill her water glass while I was lathering a serving spoon, but she had left the water on cold and then turned it off so I had asked her to please turn the water back to warm. I shit you not, she turned into full histrionics and tried to act like I was unreasonable. Even better I got the full "this is why you're here MotherF*cker to help out"
NO FUCKING SHIT woman, I know simply asking for my family members to stop treating me like the hired fucking help and start thanking me and stop adding to the shit that I already have to get done is too much to ask.

My sporadic thanks, but can you also do this is supposed to suffice I guess.


With kids I would at least be chasing life, but I'm just waiting out death. I can't have kids anyways
 
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When doing prostrations yesterday, I think I tweaked something in my leg, and it's still nagging me. Between that and waking up on the wrong side of the bed, I've just been a grumpy dude today.

It doesn't help that my work's disposable tray order hasnt shown up yet, and the two AM managers had 4 hrs to pick up some from a supply company. Nope, they just let my boss go out to pick some up, which threw off the lunch rush.
 
Just got pulled over for the first time. Apparently I ran a red light that I thought was yellow. Had the worst panic attack I've ever had. I couldn't get words out. So bad that they called an ambulance and a fire truck. Couldn't stop crying. Some cop remarked that I was just trying to get out of a ticket. They let me go with a warning. I'm so humiliated and upset I could die.
 
Same as usual; mixed. Job, writing, etc. hasn't really changed as of recent, so not much to report on that end. Health is looking fairly decent; had some appointments recently, things are looking decent enough. Got a bit of an odd political question to ask the Farms that's been bugging the crap out of me, not sure where to post it.
 
Maybe I should get a cat eventually. I'm not really in a position to take care of a dog even a smaller one, but a little cat named Studebaker would be nice to have around. Maybe I'll look into it closer to my birthday.
 
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