How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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My stomach has been shit but I've finally talked to my Dr and gotten a refill for medication.

I feel as I've missed out on the entirety of my thirties because of my stomach being gay and stupid and I feel as if there are so many things that I've wanted to do, and culturally I have a big gap.
Dr. has finally confirmed that there is something indeed wrong with my stomach and I finally have a diagnosis.

Yay. Happy.... Jooy. :achievement: :optimistic:

My lack of focus has been simmered down and so I've reading. One of my bad habits is book hoarding, and I'm really good at looking at a box of books left out and finding the good ones.
I have a fuck ton of books I really want to read but complete lack of focus to do so.

Still illiterate, lol
 
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Committed the cardinal sin of looking up old classmates on LinkedIn. I'm not envious of the rich nepobabies who went on to join american last-name agencies, but rather the ones who studied a thing and got a job in that thing. I landed this dogshit office job by sheer luck and happenstance. Had the woman who hired me not quit, I could've been having an excellent time instead of being relocated and isolated from any cross-office opportunities. Even if I stayed here for a year, I've no idea what competences I'd gain nor what I want to do.

When I started my years of jobhunting, I met a guy who just got his trucking certificate. He's now working an office job coordinating trucks at the same wage, loving every moment, and he still drive every other week. Sure it may suck dick and be long hours, but at this point, I'm so checked out of soft skills that I just want to meet somewhere, work for 8 hours, and after 18 months be able to land a better job because 18 months of experience in that job is a measureable unit. I should've done a trade, but even those are unemployable these days.

Iunno, fuck. I'll stick to this job and apply to jobs in the same public sector, let it be publicly known that I'd prefer another job within the company. Maybe drag my boss aside and exclaim as such. Everyone keeps saying he's very pro-satisfaction but it's pretty risky to go "hey boss I wanna get out of here".
Spilled Spaghett said:
Every time I think I'm doing ok and feeling better something makes me realize that normal people are independent, and living full lives doing things I couldn't even imagine were possible. It fills me with such existential dread at how I've wasted my whole life that the cycle repeats itself. There really is so much more out there, life is beautiful, and I don't think I'll ever experience any of it.
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I knew a guy who worked as a janitor in australia. He picked up a tablet and started drawing furry shit. A bunch of 'networking' and grifting later, he made minimum wage drawing and moved to Canada. Sounded magical if you ignored the fact he worked construction and almost failed to find a flat. Then he visited a furcon on the west coast, roadtripping around while drawing in the car for tips. Then he moved back to australia, then to the UK with his Queen's visa, then visited japan. All from drawing porn on a tablet.

I envy the people with the spirit to do those things. Everyone is caught up in investing, owning property, doing the right thing, yet those who say fuck it and move to japan for 2 years are the ones everyone are interested in. Go to a reunion full of rich people with big cars and it's the guy who disappeared to Taiwan people wanna talk about, but to be such as he, you'd have to ignore the potential of wealth and status.

I don't want a lot of money or to live in a huge house, but the fact I've gone to university and gained very little from it that I couldn't have gotten from a 2-year certificate or so is depressing. I'd love to work a simple job, not have a terrible time there, come home and raid a little or socialize on Discord or what have you. Maybe a sports club once or twice a week. None of the things I desire rely on wage. I've worked literal cleaning alongside people who had very active social lives, both the younger soccer guys and the elderly who played tennis and shit. Experiencing really is a mindset. Somebody wakes up every day in Hawaii ready to kill themselves over many issues a tourist doesn't face.

Oh and if you DO travel? Prepare to be humbled by all the other tourists who make 30 times minimum wage, don't work at all and can travel all year, or make enough to do it 3 times a year with their perfect family. Your future partner and social circle could be existing 15 mins to the east and you'd have as much chance of figuring that out as ending up in bumfuck nowhere Austria. The funny thing is that no matter how depressed people are, they never just "max out a loan" in social terms. Try out a new club every week, attend every local event, go to a pub every friday. We're desperate but not -that- desperate.
 
It sounds like you've got a degree, why not try going somewhere interesting and teach English or learn the language of a place you wanna go and do the work you want to do overseas? Don't tell yourself no until you've seen and done something! If you live anywhere near a big city you can hit a consulate and take language classes there for cheap. Your spirit is something you decide you have, you can live a life of adventure and change things still. If you envy them, why not become what you envy?
 
My dad died over three years ago and generally I can go without thinking about it, but today I'm really missing him.

I'm over half way through my pregnancy and having a son, my dad would have been thrilled I think. Family is all girls, so it's a big deal - I'm super happy about it. It just would have been nice to have had his reaction and see what he'd have been like with a little boy. Especially after he only had girls. My son's still going to have a grandad on my husband's side but ah, still makes me sad sometimes. Generally though too, I've had a tonne of stress lately due to work and my dad, he was always a talker and would always have answers to everything. I wish I could rant to him about work right now, maybe get a hug too? It's weird when someone dies how you crave the silliest things when thinking about them - I'm a grown ass woman but I would love a hug from my dad.
 
Fuck my ass man, I scratched a car in the parking lot at work and feel like such a retard. Sure the motherfucker parked right behind me sideways with less than a cars length to back out with tons of slushy snow between us but I still feel like a total asshole. This heart condition just gives me such brain fog that I didn't stop reversing till I bumped em. Left my number on a note and hope to god they won't be a pain about it, it is just like a 2 inch scratch that can be buffed out.
 
Chris Redfield said:
It's weird when someone dies how you crave the silliest things when thinking about them - I'm a grown ass woman but I would love a hug from my dad.
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Mine died 10 years ago and i still miss him. 40 years from now i'll still miss him, you never stop missing your dad, you just get used to. I dream often about him, i like to think is that he's visiting my dumb ass.
 
My best friend keeps sending me pictures of her pitbull and it's making me very very happy. What a cute lil princess.
 
Evan Kor said:
Enjoying withdrawl effects. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antidepressant_discontinuation_syndrome
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Been there. Went down from 20 mg to 5 mg by 5 mg at a time without any issues. When I got down to 5 mg I thought I could just stop. My skeleton was on fire. You don’t even have sensation in your bones and that shit hurt. I finally understand how heroin addicts feel when they’re withdrawing. It was a living hell.

I made a schedule where I took it every other day for 2 weeks, then every 3rd day for 2 weeks, etc. and then stopped completely. It went a lot better. Then life went to shit and I’m back on 5 mg. I’m ready to get off it again as soon as the days get longer, this shit is poison.
 
Getmeout said:
Good news and bad news. Bad news first. So, I was in my theatre class and we were working with slapsticks. The sound of the slap brought me back to my childhood, and I froze up. I was biting the inside of my cheek so hard. Even when we moved on from the sticks, I was still frantically looking behind my back and couldn't say a word. We were doing some stretches and seeing everyone raise their hands towards me broke me, I ran into the dressing room and began crying. Good news, a lot of people checked up on me, and that honestly made me feel very appreciated. I CAN'T let the teacher knows the slapsticks "trigger" me, I really really really want to stay in this class.

Furthermore, should I get checked for something? I always do that whenever I hear repeated loud smack sounds, unless they're like in fiction like a video game. I've always ignored it but it only now dawned on me I probably shouldn't. One of the people checking on me mentioned "PTSD" but I doubt I have that cause iirc that's really fucking rare and only happens to like war vets. I just had a shitty childhood.
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Oh ya forgot to say I would genuinely like some advice on this, this isn't just venting, I'm actually kinda at a loss for what to do. I know asking for advice on Kiwifarms is cringe but uhhhhhh whatever
 
Getmeout said:
Oh ya forgot to say I would genuinely like some advice on this, this isn't just venting, I'm actually kinda at a loss for what to do. I know asking for advice on Kiwifarms is cringe but uhhhhhh whatever
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I don't think we can help you with that, that's the kind of problem that therapy will fix
 
Guess who fixed her sleep schedule, only to immediately fuck it up after a single day. Ah well, it is what it is. I've been feeling eugh all day thanks to the lack of sleep. I keep telling myself that this time I'll stop being a cavetroll and start having more daytime hours spent awake, only to see a streamer I want to watch live stream something that I "just can't miss". VODs exist for a reason, silly.

Instead of being too much of a cunt to myself, I bought a salad from a banh mi place in town. All of the delicious ingredients like their char siu but none of the bread (man, their bread is so good.)
Tomorrow I'm getting my blood tested and an EKG in preparation for, hopefully, a stint of therapy at the psych ward. Still up in the air whether they'll keep me in Depression & Anxiety or if they'll funnel me to personality disorders. Truth be told, I was just happy to feel seen after waiting since december for my referral.

Regarding the conversation about fathers, I have a hard time relating to my old man. He's one of, if not my biggest supporter even if he isn't always very vocal about it - he'll happily drive me anywhere I need to go or help me with things I need a strong man for, if I give him an advanced notice and if I can wake up earlier than my usual pattern. I love him to death but thanks to both of my parents being emotionally handicapped in their own ways, my father with an explosive temper when pushed to his limits and my mother internalising everything (like me), he has unwittingly caused friction with my ever-present neurotic and anxious personality, so attempting to vocalise gratitude or affection is awkward and stunted.
I try my best to thank him any time he drives me somewhere or he's cooked dinner, or helped me in some way, but saying "thanks dad, I love you" is somehow the hardest thing in the world.
He's getting old, he's officially a retiree but still does some work as a carpenter, and I would like to have squared away some of our dynamic before it's too late. Now, I'm not worried he's gonna croak on me any time soon. I'd just like for him to fully understand how I feel despite, or because of, everything.

Yay for being emotionally gimped.
Getmeout said:
One of the people checking on me mentioned "PTSD" but I doubt I have that cause iirc that's really fucking rare and only happens to like war vets. I just had a shitty childhood.
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Childhood PTSD is absolutely a thing, and PTSD is not just something that happens to veterans. Traumatic experiences can happen to anyone. If you have the resources and time, seek therapy for it. I don't want to diagnose you with PTSD, as I am just a mentally ill retard and not a doctor, but trauma is trauma.
 
After years of being a fucked up little weirdo I finally got a diagnosis for what the hell is wrong with my head. As it turns out I have ADHD which almost certainly explains a lot of my childhood years, teenage years, and my current adulthood. It only took a bit over 30 years to finally have someone figure this out. Anyway, my insurance still hasn't approved of the non-stimulant meds I was prescribed and they decided they don't feel like covering the appointment I had with the shrink so I'm responsible for it and I fucking cannot afford to pay that bill. Overall, I'm happy I finally got a diagnosis, but I'm fucking stressed over this bill I have now for that appointment. Part of me is now wondering if it was worth getting the diagnosis at all because of that stupid fucking bill.
 
Getmeout said:
One of the people checking on me mentioned "PTSD" but I doubt I have that cause iirc that's really fucking rare and only happens to like war vets.
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Not everything needs to be medicalised, you can have a stress response without having an actual PTSD disorder. You could look into doing exposure therapy on yourself for the noise but that’s a your mileage may vary thing. Get real therapy or something.
 
Damnit i really need to find a service other than UberEats to deliver my pizzas. Once again they chose a Jeet to deliver the pizza, and his name is just as ridiculous as that other guy from a week ago ( now it's some guy named Ezazur )...
 
Viriatus said:
Damnit i really need to find a service other than UberEats to deliver my pizzas. Once again they chose a Jeet to deliver the pizza, and his name is just as ridiculous as that other guy from a week ago ( now it's some guy named Ezazur )...
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It's funny when you get a plain Uber ride from them too. Who do I call you so I can get a ride and not offend you?
 
Quijibo69 said:
It's funny when you get a plain Uber ride from them too. Who do I call you so I can get a ride and not offend you?
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Thankfully I never had to rely on Uber for travel since I have my own car, and considering the types of people that they employ I don't think I ever will.
 
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