How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[skacn]

Feeling a bit suicidal honestly. Next therapy meeting in a week though hopefully that'll bring me out of my spiral.

 

[Getmeout]

Yeah mine's not an OCD thing, I just like being in shape and being able to do stuff.

Ah I see, just your diet preference. That's fine, eating however you want is all fine and good no matter how unconventional. I support it unless it gets to forcing it on other's territory, that was big in the ortho scene. Misery loves company ig?

The exercise thing is like 75% a way to sublimate suppressed rage for me. It's seldom a penitent thing, I just feel better when I'm in the habit. There have certainly been times when I felt like I need to work out, but specifically in the sense that if I don't I'm going to do something worse.

I can see how that would get anger out, usually when I need to get anger out, I draw. Exercise usually gets me angrier cause I'm either, A, mad at myself for "not doing it good enough" or B, mad at myself for getting addicted again. Everytime I feel like I need to work out, it's like I feel like I'm a lesser person if I don't. I'd watch these "meanspo" exercise Youtubers that would say you're a USELESS SACK OF SHIT WHO DESERVES TO DIE IF YOU SKIP OUT ON CARDIO TODAY and I genuinely deeply internalized that as a teen. The only way I got out of that mindset was finding out that 90% of those Youtubers had Discords where they groomed kids into becoming anorexic. So when I slip back into that mindset, I just repeat to myself "That's what pedophiles think".

I used to think I needed to earn love because that's just the way my life worked out, I'm kind of split on whether or not that's true now because I don't think unconditional love is healthy either outside of family and basic human compassion, but more importantly I just faced the possibility of never being loved and learned to be okay with it. There are worse things than being alone.

I don't know why I feel this way, teen me just always obsessed over this idea that if I was fat I was unlovable and there's nothing worse than being unloved so I had to get skinny. Then when I got skinny it became if I'm wimpy I'm unlovable so now I have to get strong. Then it became tiny things like if your nose looks this way you're unlovable, if you're this height you're unlovable, this that this that. I got so tired of living for imaginary people, eventually I just snapped and attempted. Got sent to a psych ward and I realized a lot of things there, if I'm fat or wimpy or have a weird height and everyone hates me cause of that... Does that really like-- Matter? Being in that ward alone with my thoughts made me realize that I kinda just don't care.

Of course I'm addicted to the pain, but I think I'm slowly unlearning that. Now when I see people talk about double chins, thigh gaps, fupas, stretch marks, face symmetry, triangle body type-- I just think "Damn, imagine being so bored". There's still the temptation to join though.

Good call. Keep walking the tiger.

Unfortunately I didn't pack lunch, I chickened out last minute. I just had a spoonful of greek yogurt and a Dr. Pepper. I'll eat lunch later ig.

I lost more friends. They said something along the lines of "I dont consider you a friend enough to tell you stuff and hang out but I do consider you a friend enough to ask you for favours" and I cut them off in rage. Maybe I shouldve seen it earlier but Im a naive fuck. Makes me sad, theyre not bad people, its been like this since I was 10 years old, just constant parasitism and exploitation. I just dont know what Im doing wrong, I like to be solitary, Im not a social butterfly who hangs out at clubs and shit, I dont know if Im supposed to force myself to do those things. Its just piles on top of piles of shit which makes me wanna anhero. Oh well, must keep going.

What do you usually look for in a friend if you don't mind me asking? Might help if you make intentions and desires immediately clear. What do you usually bond with people over?

 

[Motherf*cker]

yeah it sucks coping with aging parents as an autistic adult I was never really taught to do much on my own and still figuring it out i’m almost 28, i feel like id be able to move out in a couple years if everything goes well, i’ve kinda made peace with the fact that i can’t be happy 24/7 but i can manage shit moods when they arrive and that’s currently the goal

I can sympathize, I never thought I could become independent from my parents and they had my childhood room all set up for permanence but then but I started crashing on couches and then managed to live on my own for a good while and then I got married. The learning curve of cooking and being able to manage your own finances, was really hard as an autistic and I was bad at it all for a long time but it is doable!

My father's health has been deteriorating and a nurse or permanent home would be cost prohibitive so I moved back in. In December my mother had a benign tumor removed from her spine so now I'm the care giver for both parents. I tell you what, this shit has been a challenge and I've got a new learning curve but now and I'm on this rollercoaster of trial and error. It took a full year to master easy cooking like eggs or pasta but once you got it, you will get it and grok any question you have because it will give no fucks about how stupid the question is.


I hope I make sense, Im a bit tipsy.

I wish this was a joke, I tried kept trying to search for traits of ADHD in women and I kept thinking of other things I needed to do and forgetting. I dunno, my multitask is multitasking sometimes but I can still get shit done, eventually.

 

[The Repeated Meme]

Feeling a bit suicidal honestly. Next therapy meeting in a week though hopefully that'll bring me out of my spiral.

Man I feel you. You're not alone. Life can feel pretty pointless sometimes. I've been seriously depressed ever since I lost my job. I hope I can get a new one soon.

 

[DavidS877]

One of the fun things at work is that since I'm a senior guy I get to do the odd stuff. This week it was taking the exam for a product we sell. I'll probably never deal with the product but I had a few hours free over the past weeks to study and take the exam. The vendor is very proud of their useless product and makes you take the test with an on-line proctor, who was, of course, a jeet. I have nearly perfect hardware and Internet and I could not understand the fuck when he tried to tell me to do the goy shuffle over audio, between his fucking accent and drop-outs in audio, which may have been his location or the servers were probably in Jeetland too. But it's done so I get to do some actual interesting work next week and make some money for my employer. And this weekend help my friend start taking his plane apart for the annual inspection, which is far easier than the putting it together part.

Situation normal, I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

 

[Bzk]

I've been unbelievably overworked this past few months due to being the primary person responsible for ensuring that a massive technology migration in two months goes as smoothly as possible. I have been doing 12+ hour days, 6 days a week, for multiple months despite not making overtime and only being expected to do 10 hours, 4 days a week, but I really need to not fuck this project up. It sucks, but it should calm down by the summer.

The company also announced a large swath of 45+ layoffs (out of ~300 employees) yesterday due to the sector I work in seriously struggling over the past year, and, while I'm thankfully nowhere near being considered for the next group of layoffs, it's still an uncomfortable situation to be in. They've been incessantly floating this idea of relying on consultants and outsourcing part of my work for over a year now, and while they've opted to continue to rely on myself a couple of coworkers thus far, the company's management is retarded enough that I wouldn't be surprised if they tried fucking with Indians for a couple of weeks, got one single positive result, and used that as an excuse to lay me off as well. I'll be on a vacation for about a month (the first vacation since starting there ~3 years ago) and management is "excited to use it as an opportunity to see how heavily we rely on (me)" (the answer is very much so), meaning that if things fall apart while I'm gone because my coworkers are incompetent, I could return to a pack of fucking virtual Jeets joined to me at the hip, at which point I'd probably just quit and do something else.

 

[Dfackt0]

My first sculpture i ever sold has fractured, I wasn't able to extract exactly what happened to it from her owner but it looks like either delinquents with blunt objects or something larger like a bike or moped crashed into it, it would make sense considering the area and the damage
I ferried my broken child of steel home this morning and have spent the last half day trying to restore it, to no avail
Its not a huge fix, just some poor welding, given that I'm still pretty bad welder years later I'm surprised something hasn't broken sooner
The real issue is that it wants to be something else now, something more indicative of what I make now instead of years ago, I cannot recapture what it was or what I was
After having a long sit and stare with the thing, I've scheduled dinner with the owner to give a brief of what I plan to do and I'll spend the weekend "updating"
She won't be the same as when I built her, and that makes me sad

 

[funwithshemales69]

What do you usually look for in a friend if you don't mind me asking? Might help if you make intentions and desires immediately clear. What do you usually bond with people over?

If I had 24 hours to live, that person would give a shit about it, to not be taken for granted. That is all I want. Plus maybe a few shared hobbies would be nice.
"Ask not what others can do for you—ask what you can do for others" all that
At this point, the farms is the only place I hang out at. And it has a few familiar faces.

 

[Sergeant Major Buzzkill]

This week’s been mostly rough. Today especially fucked me up pretty bad, but after I went to the gym after a year’s hiatus, I felt more at ease. Started small, but once I got into a groove? Felt like I never left.

Don’t like how heavily I was smoking in January, have been clean since the second week of this month. It’ll take some time to build back my regular stamina, sadly.

 

[Getmeout]

If I had 24 hours to live, that person would give a shit about it, to not be taken for granted. That is all I want. Plus maybe a few shared hobbies would be nice.
"Ask not what others can do for you—ask what you can do for others" all that
At this point, the farms is the only place I hang out at. And it has a few familiar faces.

Pretty low standards, you get what you ask. I'd suggest highering them, be more careful who you keep as company.
What are your hobbies?

 

[funwithshemales69]

Pretty low standards, you get what you ask. I'd suggest highering them, be more careful who you keep as company.
What are your hobbies?

Loyalty and compassion are very rare and valuable, at least in my immediate environment cause it's very dog eat dog. So I would say it is pretty high standards to some degree.
I play vidya, I watch movies, I read books of all sorts, I draw and I write very shittily, sometimes go bicycling and walking. Mostly just very solitary, autistic stuff which I can do in my room. If housework and chores count as hobbies, I would include them too. I'm just not an easy going party animal and that separates me from 99% of people out there.

 

[Mr.Bucket]

I was just thinking about this thread and it was at the very top when I clicked latest posts.


Been going through some shiz and drinking way too much. Have been laid off since mid december so mostly just stuck in my head. I get paid 80% between UI and Sub-pay so money isn't the issue. It's health (both mental and physical), loneliness, etc.

 

[One_True_Yuri]

Ok so...a number of months ago I posted here that I switched to a new job and I was having difficulties but I was enjoying the work
but now i want to quit. Its becoming absolutely horrible. The stress and demands of it is making my life so difficult

Spoiler: The Whole Story

Our current boss was promoted to her position back last year and she did ok, but a new guy got hired back in Novemeber and they got REALLY close. Like instant buddy buddy from day one. Shortly after he got promoted to be her assistant and things slowly started to rot apart for the entire team.

We are janitors, we clean up research offices, with the old boss we were the best team in the plant and were bragged about often to the other teams, we maintained that reputation till the new boss got in charge and had her new bossom buddy. Now we are the third worst in the plant

Now... we have a high turnover rate, all thats left of a crew of 14 minus the boss and her assistant are 6. we are the old guard that have been here since last year. Anyone new drops out after several months, no call no show. And every time our boss tells us this laundry list of things that they did wrong. Every time she badmouths em when they are gone.


With how we work, our team has 14 runs to do. Every run is either a large section of a building or multiple buildings. If there isnt 14 people, the work is put onto a pickup, where we do those first before our own.
We barely get any overtime, usually an hour for the whole team where 1 person can spend an hour after we leave to do more work.

So we have to do nearly double the work that a full crew has to do which is hard enough but added onto that is she keeps raising expectations. **INSPECTIONS ON EVERYTHING, INSPECTIONS ON PICKUP, INSPECTIONS ON YOUR RUNS**
Worse yet is she makes threats to us during our safety meetings while her assistant is sitting there smiling and every time he speaks the anger stops with her for a bit until she turns back to us. These threats are always like "If you dont do your work on overtime you will be denied it" or "If you do not work we will seperate you and give you specific assignments that I will personally inspect before you can leave"
But her assistant doesnt have any of this, shes all smiles, giggling, making jokes with him and when he skips things or doesnt do a good job well its because he was busy with something else!

I was already considering leaving in three weeks with some second thoughts that maybe i should stay with it for the income, but today was so much worse than I could have imagined
its been getting harder every day consistently for 3 weeks and the threats directed to us constant every day, but today she screamed at me and my team during pickup that we didnt do **anything** on our first building. To our face, that we didnt do anything at all and her boss saw it. Then after we finished with pickup and went to get our things, she waits for us with our stuff and interrogates my team and I. Saying that we are the problem, we made her and the whole team look bad, we are going to be written up. Didnt once ask what happened, why this happened.

Never once does she ever think that her leadership may be the problem, no its everything else. After today, Im completely galvanized that leaving is whats needed for my health and sanity. I hate this job now, I used to love it and look forward to it and now.... I really want the three weeks to pass so I can never go back there again.

TL;DR
New boss gets in, slowly ruining a job I love, I hate it there now despite decent pay.

 

[PlapPlapPlapPlapPlap]

>be me
>work at one of the many locations of a recognizable customer-facing establishment
>find out in December we're among the first 70 locations that will be getting a brand new operating system
>pretty gay, I like my system
>go through basic ass module training, whatever
>get told that there will be a 24/7 helpline specifically for us, wonderful
>rollout was Wednesday
>the shit is held together with wet scotch tape and clearly made by jeets
>very slow, takes forever to populate, requires about 13 clicks to scratch your own ass, likes to dump you into weird spots on the page when you exit out of smaller pop-up windows
>none of our "accessory" devices reliably work with this system, you know like credit card terminals and other vital shit that makes the business run
>credit card terminals shit the bed for real tonight
>restart everything because that works sometimes
>nope
>"hey how do we reach that 24/7 helpline again?"
>"if you have difficulty just open a support ticket lolz"
>open ze support ticket like a good goy
>a name so Indian it honestly sounds made up responds four times to tell me my ticket has been received, acknowledged, escalated, and is now "on hold"
>even if they actually call me back I'll be talking to a jeet I likely won't understand
If I ever come into a financial windfall, I will use it to bankroll a movie where jeets and the out of touch corporate stooges that outsource to them while half-assing support are cut in half with chainsaws, have giant boulders dropped on their heads, are castrated alive, skinned alive, burned alive, fed through wood chippers feet first, are frozen solid and then obliterated with a sledgehammer, and whatever else you can think of. There won't even be a plot, it will just be 90 minutes of that.

 

[Getmeout]

Loyalty and compassion are very rare and valuable, at least in my immediate environment cause it's very dog eat dog. So I would say it is pretty high standards to some degree.
I play vidya, I watch movies, I read books of all sorts, I draw and I write very shittily, sometimes go bicycling and walking. Mostly just very solitary, autistic stuff which I can do in my room. If housework and chores count as hobbies, I would include them too. I'm just not an easy going party animal and that separates me from 99% of people out there.

I apologize but you've completely distracted me, what do you draw? I'm sorry I really like art.
But what I meant by "Low standards" was that loyalty and compassion should be the bare minimum, if it's hard to come across then that means you're surrounded by crappy people. I get it though, my first "real" friend turned out to only be pretending to like me out of pity. That was when I was like 10, it's hard sometimes.

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Week off is practically over. I got some car related stuff done which is nice, but I had family over and man, I just can't do shit while they're here. PC speakers muted, no headset, don't wanna play games out of respect. I can see why dude-ass men prefer to stay single if the alternative is to give all this up. Obviously you can set up some ground rules with a partner, use a headset or whatever, but it'd take a 'love of my life' quality to bother with that. Single ain't so bad.

Being in that ward alone with my thoughts made me realize that I kinda just don't care.

Congrats, you've unlocked the mindset that lands you jobs, women, networking opportunities and flights to private vaguely egyptian looking islands. I read some thread of a guy who applied to a job for shits and giggles, came in swinging his balls bordering on alt-right alpha male behavior, and he'd in equal parts simply reply "no." or "you're doing that wrong, you should be doing this instead". He did it as a joke and came away with a part-time consultation gig. Once you really truly stop caring about others, you become all the more enticing.

I've wasted years of my life always being available and gained nothing from it. I started leaving my phone at home and it'd have no notifications when I returned. To live for yourself is a lifelong undertaking but sometimes you should allow yourself some doomerisms and time wasting. I think of it as having cut so much fat from my life that I'm ready to entertain wasteful things if just to ditch them down the line, but seeing adult-ass people of my own age happily watch the news, gaining nothing from it? That shit is depressing.

Ok so...a number of months ago I posted here that I switched to a new job and I was having difficulties but I was enjoying the work
but now i want to quit. Its becoming absolutely horrible. The stress and demands of it is making my life so difficult

How I feel about this job I "just" got. It's reasonable, it's harmless, it doesn't tear at my body, and all the while I read all these threads of people unable to get a job, remembering how fucking soulcrushing job hunting is, I'm still sorta considering it. I took a single look at a job site and got so fucking depressed. Even if I won't lose my current job, the sheer idea that I have to find a new one eventually cause I won't thrive here sucks. Alternatively, two of the country's 4 regions are merging specifically into my old offices, so there'll be a lot of jobs I can apply for in.. half a year ish time. Unlike my last job there's no deadline to get out of this one, as I'm just accumulating office experience which is exactly what I aimed for in my previous jobs, but man. I really need to get used to leaving work at work. My coworker does that, leaving a half-full inbox because we technically got 1-3 days to reply, and I always race to reply immediately.

 

[Shlomo XL]

i have grown weary of disgusting parasites choking on wealth while hard-working, result-oriented, caring people languish

 

[AnOminous]

My dog died in the middle of the night. This fucking sucks but wasn't unexpected. He was on a half dozen different meds but his liver numbers just kept getting worse, and could barely walk. Fucking Pomeranians.

He had the luxating patella condition where both kneecaps were out of their sockets. One leg had atrophied into complete uselessness and the other was barely functional. The vets wouldn't operate on it because he also had serious liver issues.

I inherited this dog from my dad. Everything I ever loved is dying. Fuck this evil world.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

Fuck this evil world.

You should have kept the bird.

 

[AnOminous]

You should have kept the bird.

Birds are dicks.

Except corvids.