How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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On the topic of wealth I've done ok and find myself hinding any indicators of this and spending time with people far lower on the income bracket. It's hard to maintain relationships across income brackets. Not making a political statement just pointing out a wider spread of inequality has this as a side effect. The people in my field and income bracket generally have different values than me. I don't want my values influenced or changed in this manner. So I socialize and live around trailer parks. We have our problems but there are no minorities and it's generally a higher trust community.

In my personal life still in the hospital, thought I was improving but had a big back slide this afternoon. Discouraging. Gonna watch some anime on my steam deck and feel sorry for myself.
 
⋖ cørdion ⋗ said:
The kind of people you'd meet in a sports club, clearly living a better life than you, but you're equals, or at least don't let wealth affect you. That's a skill I clearly need to refine. I don't want a big car or house, but to look someone in the eyes knowing they're 'superior' and ignoring it? Man.
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Learn to respect the moral life and you will not see a single one of these people as "superior". You learn that pretty quick if you work a residential job where you actually meet and make decisions with people of all classes or wealth, the upper class are nearly all total scum. The further into the classes you go, the less human and more money obsessed they are.

They will treat you like retarded cattle because their house has a higher ceiling and more empty space than yours, like who cares? Some people I worked with would fawn over their houses to them or to me, it was just disgusting to see, and at that point you are the retarded cattle they see you as. I distinctly remember some guy bragging about spending nearly $100,000 on a virtual golf simulator, like just kill yourself lol.

I always liked working with lower/lower-middle class folks; some of them are not mentally sound, have dirty houses, are hoarders, or are stupidly stubborn, but it's so much easier to find good people that you actually want to be around and talk to. Some of them sadly can't even see it in themselves though, they're still in this slave mentality where everything would be better if they could just afford the latest goyslop.
 
Spilled Spaghett said:
I am tired of the way she now openly paints everything as a sexism problem. She treats the male customers differently and makes a point of adding "because you're a man" to her "jokes". She can't find even an ounce of sympathy for one of the only male associates on staff when he came in sick but wanted to work anyways. But god forbid you not bend over backwards for any of the girls. I'm not the kind of person to run to HR. But I have never had to work with anyone so openly sexist, and I don't know what happened this last month or so to make her so hostile but I am not her punching bag. The problem is the company is super fucking gay. They are ticking every box they can at least at a corporate level. So they are exactly the kind of culture that would be dismissive of misandry. Part of me also feels like snitching to HR is just something you're not supposed to do, and be a man and deal with it. I guess most people would just quit and get another job. Retail jobs are a dime a dozen. But my autism makes change more painful than it should be, and honestly is the grass really going to be any greener?
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I don't care if this is late I must express my genuine hatred of this woman. Nothing pisses me off more than misandry.... Not sure why it pisses me off so much but it always has. Again, I know I'm late. Give us an update, hope she got fired and went homeless or smthn.
 
Getmeout said:
I don't care if this is late I must express my genuine hatred of this woman. Nothing pisses me off more than misandry.... Not sure why it pisses me off so much but it always has. Again, I know I'm late. Give us an update, hope she got fired and went homeless or smthn.
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There is unfortunately no update. I will say her behavior has gotten better for now. No further incidents since, however I am ready the moment she slips up to report her directly to HR. Management is already aware of her behavior. They claim they had some sort of conversation, but I don't believe she was written up for it. The store manager explained that, with our company, even a single write up makes you ineligible for a raise, transfer, or promotion for at least a year. That sounds good to me but the worry was doing so might just make things worse, and while we were already down two people the timing wasn't good to try that, and he would rather give her a warning to fix herself before an official write up. I can at least understand where he's coming from.

I will say that despite her, the team I work with is actually very good. Our associates are pretty great and easy to work with. Upper management are the kind of people you can just have a conversation with for an hour. That's something I take full advantage of to burn time. But I do understand that like probably every job, I am an island. No one there is actually my friend. I can't tell them how viscerally disgusted I am every time a fucking jeet comes through the door, or how I'm sick of being graded on customer service when half of these niggers either can't or wont speak English. But it's at least comfortable enough.

I'm sort of stuck though because I really don't know where to go from here. I should be moving up the manager ladder, and I could any time I wanted, but the locations available are kind of shit, and the pay increase honestly wouldn't cover having to start paying rent. It just didn't make sense to take an offer yet. With my experience I could jump ship and work for another company in upper management but I wouldn't really know where I'd want to go.
 
I feel like if I'm starting this flying shit I need to become more of a normalfag. Or at least learn how to fit in better.

Should I just work on social shit first or just say fuck it, go head in and just obsess over my work?

I just don't want to be basically struggling with the same social bullshit (mainly social anxiety and 'spergers nonsense) yet fucking working lmfao

wat do guys, I dunno what to do :/
 
despite catching a cold yesterday im shockingly way better mentally then I have been over the past couple weeks, this is probably the longest amount of time ive been in a good mood since this whole decline, and I was already feeling I was going crazy, my mom having a medical crisis I walked in on a little over a week ago, and then later finding out it was a suicide attempt (an unsuccessful one, Thank God) made my shit go into overdrive, last night I really thought about what was causing me to not be able to climb out, the good thing is I can acknowledge my personality flaws, i get way too obsessive with shit, especially with things I don't like or that piss me off, its something ill probably need to work on for a long time, but the fact that I can stop myself now before getting into a rabbit hole makes me feel x10000 better
 
Feel a bit cursed at this point, have been sick since December and always seem to catch something new. Got turned down for the job I wanted on top of that a few days ago so it hasn't been much of a good year so far.
 
Getmeout said:
Hoooooly shit, I remember I knew this orthorexic Youtuber as a teen and he fucked me uppppp. Orthorexia is no joke, it's harder to recover from since there's so much slop content out there that justifies it. Hope u get better soon, *Insert feels emoji here. I'm too lazy to go into the menu for it*
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I'm joking, probably. Or rather I don't believe "orthorexia" is a real thing so much as a grim dystopian attempt at sleight of hand misdirection from the reality that what's "normal" is no longer healthy and what's healthy is no longer normal, and I've long since made my peace with being abnormal in that regard. People are too bewildered by my sobriety to get hung up on my lunch order.
Getmeout said:
I'm a retard who enjoys hurting myself.
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Just do it in the gym like me.

Speaking of I've been getting a fair bit of attention from women at the gym which is good and bad because I still don't think I've sorted out the hangups that fucked up my previous relationships and I don't want to risk repeating any of it but it's nice to know at least I'm only ugly on the inside.
 
Nick Wilde said:
I only want the rain to end.
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Well, i want it to start

From december to february, it's extremely hot and sunny where i live. And in this time of the year, the heat brings a shit load of flies with it. Can't open a window or door without them swarming in, bzzz bzzzing everywhere. Disgusting critters
 
This morning Mother went to the bathroom to refill her water cup and fell so that was a great start
She has been in less pain and she has been great at doing physio and after being stupidly obstinate for months, she has finally chosen the TENS machine and is getting relief.
I am glad the pills arch is coming to an end, did not like it

I guess it has been decided that I need to wash more dishes and clean the kitchen for the tenth time because shit is just being left for me to pick up the slack. I am trying to find moments in the day for myself but sometimes I have to stand firm or they walk all over my shit and make my time, their time.
Sometimes listening to EDM on my headphones really gets me out of my head and recently it has been Classical music reworked with EDM.
I have no idea but it's satisfying.
Husband is helping out more and getting the work done to get a teaching certificate. The third part was dense but he still got 98% on the exam. Super proud of hubby.
 
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dick brain said:
I'm joking, probably. Or rather I don't believe "orthorexia" is a real thing so much as a grim dystopian attempt at sleight of hand misdirection from the reality that what's "normal" is no longer healthy and what's healthy is no longer normal, and I've long since made my peace with being abnormal in that regard. People are too bewildered by my sobriety to get hung up on my lunch order.
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I 100% believe it's a real thing, back in my pro-ana days as a teen I knew a good chunk of orthos and they 100% had a mental disorder, no debate. They were fucking insane, and when they rubbed off on me, I 100% had a mental disorder. No debate. Genuine hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, usually I can associate with people deep in EDs in the hopes of helping them but orthos are the one people in my """DNI list""", they're just too broken. The type of broken that drags you down with them. Maybe though it shouldn't be classified as a completely separate eating disorder, I think it's more in line with OCD.
dick brain said:
Just do it in the gym like me.
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I remember I started doing that and my grades in school tanked cause I was skipping class to exercise in the bathroom, and when I wasn't exercising in the bathroom I couldn't pay attention in class cause all I was thinking about doing was skipping class and exercising again. Iirc I used to cut for every day of exercise I missed. Funny memory, I remember one time a teacher tried to get me out of the bathroom and I freaked out and sperged about macros and pilates so hard they nearly sent me to a ward. This was when I was like 17 I think. I kinda wanna get back to doing that but I actually care about my college grades.

Speaking of which, was going to do another fast today but already my symptoms got exacerbated. I was awake at 3 AM staring at the ceiling hyperventilating about how no one will ever love me unless I starve myself to death. I think I'm going to pack a lunch to school cause I'm just not in the mood to deal with this shit today. I've got work to do.
 
A business in my hometown is experiencing a boycott because of specious claims about ICE and the pile on is bad. It's making me sad as it was one of my favorite hang outs back in the day. I'm furious that a family member is spreading the boycott around but I'm just too exhausted to get into it with him.
The hipsters are going to chase out every business worth a damn with their purity politics. Or not because they don't understand that other people aren't this hysterical. But it looks like they're mobilized to hang out around the place harassing the owners. Their home addresses have already been doxed.
Anyway it makes me sad.
 
Motherf*cker said:
This morning Mother went to the bathroom to refill her water cup and fell so that was a great start
She has been in less pain and she has been great at doing physio and after being stupidly obstinate for months
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yeah it sucks coping with aging parents as an autistic adult I was never really taught to do much on my own and still figuring it out i’m almost 28, i feel like id be able to move out in a couple years if everything goes well, i’ve kinda made peace with the fact that i can’t be happy 24/7 but i can manage shit moods when they arrive and that’s currently the goal
 
Getmeout said:
I 100% believe it's a real thing, back in my pro-ana days as a teen I knew a good chunk of orthos and they 100% had a mental disorder, no debate. They were fucking insane, and when they rubbed off on me, I 100% had a mental disorder. No debate. Genuine hell I wouldn't wish on anyone, usually I can associate with people deep in EDs in the hopes of helping them but orthos are the one people in my """DNI list""", they're just too broken. The type of broken that drags you down with them. Maybe though it shouldn't be classified as a completely separate eating disorder, I think it's more in line with OCD.
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Yeah mine's not an OCD thing, I just like being in shape and being able to do stuff.

Getmeout said:
remember I started doing that and my grades in school tanked cause I was skipping class to exercise in the bathroom, and when I wasn't exercising in the bathroom I couldn't pay attention in class cause all I was thinking about doing was skipping class and exercising again. Iirc I used to cut for every day of exercise I missed. Funny memory, I remember one time a teacher tried to get me out of the bathroom and I freaked out and sperged about macros and pilates so hard they nearly sent me to a ward. This was when I was like 17 I think. I kinda wanna get back to doing that but I actually care about my college grades.
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The exercise thing is like 75% a way to sublimate suppressed rage for me. It's seldom a penitent thing, I just feel better when I'm in the habit. There have certainly been times when I felt like I need to work out, but specifically in the sense that if I don't I'm going to do something worse.

Getmeout said:
I was awake at 3 AM staring at the ceiling hyperventilating about how no one will ever love me unless I starve myself to death.
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I used to think I needed to earn love because that's just the way my life worked out, I'm kind of split on whether or not that's true now because I don't think unconditional love is healthy either outside of family and basic human compassion, but more importantly I just faced the possibility of never being loved and learned to be okay with it. There are worse things than being alone.

Getmeout said:
I think I'm going to pack a lunch to school cause I'm just not in the mood to deal with this shit today. I've got work to do.
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Good call. Keep walking the tiger.
 
I lost more friends. They said something along the lines of "I dont consider you a friend enough to tell you stuff and hang out but I do consider you a friend enough to ask you for favours" and I cut them off in rage. Maybe I shouldve seen it earlier but Im a naive fuck. Makes me sad, theyre not bad people, its been like this since I was 10 years old, just constant parasitism and exploitation. I just dont know what Im doing wrong, I like to be solitary, Im not a social butterfly who hangs out at clubs and shit, I dont know if Im supposed to force myself to do those things. Its just piles on top of piles of shit which makes me wanna anhero. Oh well, must keep going.
 
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