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[PetiteFeet]

I plan on attempting suicide within the next month. I've already made it up in my mind, and there isn't really much that words can do anymore

Sounds like you're having second thoughts as it stands. Announcing your suicide plans is a cry for help, and you need help, kid. I can't put it better than what has already been said by @souschef and @dick brain, however harsh the latter said it. It's the reality of it.
Take it from someone who has been battling these thoughts for two decades at this point. If you wanted it, truly and deeply wanted to die, you would have done so already.
Life does get better but it is a constant fight. Every day. Every decision. You cannot bury your head in the sand, like me. Shit will only get worse if you attempt to ignore your battles.
I can't promise you that life gets better tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. Eventually you will have struggled enough and have won some battles, that it will feel like it was all worth it.

If you are intent on killing yourself, at least go out in style. The world is your oyster if you're a dead man walking. Money, while it may be limited in what amount you have scraped together, stops having meaning. So go out there and enjoy what the world has to offer. Ask a cute girl out, hire a prostitute, snort coke off of another man's dick, idk. Pick your poison.

But when you're done blowing your money, or you're done wallowing in your momentary misery, sit down and write pros and cons of choosing the easy way out, suicide, or sticking with the misery that we call life.

And for the love of all that is holy. Talk to your loved ones. Tell them that you're struggling. It's okay to show you are vulnerable and that you need help. Get some professional help. If the waiting lists are long, it's okay to exaggerate. Be brutally honest. It usually helps hammer home how you feel if you mention you have your suicide planned out in detail.

My DMs are open. I can't promise talking to me will make you feel instantly better, but sometimes all we need is a void to screech into. I'm not a professional, I'm a NEET who's suffering just like you are suffering. So bear that in mind.

 

[stupid frog]

my sinus wont stop being stuffed up
nothing else is wrong with me
what did i do to deserve not being able to breathe reeee

 

[BABANGUIDE64]

At the very least, I thank God I wasn't born Indonesian.

Keep it that way and you will reborn Indian.

Thread tax: going to work, day ruined.

 

[Burning Bridge]

And for the love of all that is holy. Talk to your loved ones. Tell them that you're struggling. It's okay to show you are vulnerable and that you need help. Get some professional help. If the waiting lists are long, it's okay to exaggerate. Be brutally honest. It usually helps hammer home how you feel if you mention you have your suicide planned out in detail.

In my experience, showing vulnerability is a good way of having all decision-making abilities taken away from you. Have you never experienced the absolute disgust from people vulnerability entails? Maybe it's different for being a woman, but as a man, you may as well just kill yourself than open up. It's certainly less painful in the long run.
ETA: If you're dead set on going through with suicide, you better not be a piece of shit and drag some poor unwilling soul into it. I have extreme contempt for those assholes. It's bad enough your corpse will inconvenience whoever has to clean it up.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I can see myself living to graduation at most, assuming I can actually pass this semester, just to make my mom happy.

Other people have already said smart and good things. I'm going to respond emotionally as the parent of people right at college graduation age: if any of my children killed themselves (or otherwise died), I don't know how I would survive. If I didn't literally die right then and there, I think that the torture and devastation of it would render me basically catatonic, a shell of a human, for the rest of my days. There might be flickering moments of blind rage, but tbh I think Id split apart because the pain would be too deep and overwhelming. The only thing that would keep me from thinking about killing myself at that point would be that I'd rather live in pain or numbness forever than cause that level of hurt to my own children or to my parents.

So don't think for a minute anything you're thinking of doing will make your mom happy. And don't devastate her life by taking your own.

Obviously I don't know what has brought you to this point, and I understand the temptation to believe this is the way to go. I will comment that repeating thoughts or ingesting the same concepts/ material over and over will make even some very bad ideas seem to make sense, when all that's happened is that you've driven yourself into believing it is true and right, even though it isn't. I wonder if you spent 2 years starting now single-mindedly convincing yourself that life is the only option and ideating on that, whether in two years you would scarcely believe you ever even considered it.

I would encourage you, if you feel lost or hopeless, to spend 6 months or a year post-graduation working at whatever job you can find (doesn't matter what it is), save up all the money you can, then go for an extended wander somewhere in the world - the Great Himalayan Trail, the full set of Camino de Santiago routes in Spain, Te Aroroa in NZ, or go live in Cambodia or South America, or buy a Eurrail pass and see Europe from hostels, for months or a year. Sometimes a radical physical change can also radically change the mind, heart, and soul, for the better.

In my experience, showing vulnerability is a good way of having all decision-making abilities taken away from you.

I have not experienced having that kind of thing taken from me; however, in my experience, refusing to show vulnerability when it really is that bad just prolongs the pain and increases the damage, and perhaps a short period without decisionmaking abilities might sometimes be a swifter way to get needed help, and a needed moment to breathe.

Have you never experienced the absolute disgust from people vulnerability entails? Maybe it's different for being a woman, but as a man, you may as well just kill yourself than open up. It's certainly less painful in the long run.

It's not different for a woman. Yes, being in what I'll gloss as a "bad state" repulses and drains other people. But so what? They're not going to like you better if you just continue to refuse to fess up to what they already know or intuit. I really want to rip you for this comment both because it's so wrong and also because it's in poor taste right at the moment - but instead I'll just say that it is not easy for most anyone to admit they can't get it together, and there is no categorical gender protection from judgment or aversion. But even if you're going to insist there is, "it's easier just to kill yourself rather than open up/ admit weakness or failure or self-loathing" is an incorrect, immature, and very stupid conclusion. And sorry if that is not nice of me to say to someone hinting at their own pain, so to be clear: if you are speaking personally, don't let pride or fear of judgment get in the way of putting all your power toward getting some positive help.

 

[Burning Bridge]

-snip-

This is exactly what I mean, thanks for proving the point.

 

[long waters]

"it's easier just to kill yourself rather than open up/ admit weakness or failure or self-loathing" is an incorrect, immature, and very stupid conclusion

I agree but at the same time, as a guy, it really do be like that. It's a pride thing I think. It's bad, but I do think men are more likely to think that way.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

This is exactly what I mean, thanks for proving the point.

I recommend re-reading, because I said the opposite of what you said. To repeat: there is no shame in hurting, and ending things is not the only option.

 

[Getmeout]

In my experience, showing vulnerability is a good way of having all decision-making abilities taken away from you. Have you never experienced the absolute disgust from people vulnerability entails? Maybe it's different for being a woman, but as a man, you may as well just kill yourself than open up. It's certainly less painful in the long run.
ETA: If you're dead set on going through with suicide, you better not be a piece of shit and drag some poor unwilling soul into it. I have extreme contempt for those assholes. It's bad enough your corpse will inconvenience whoever has to clean it up.

It's not a gender thing, I think it's an upbringing thing. In my household, my mom liked to play this game where she'd insist I could talk to her about anything, but if I opened up then I'd get punished. Wasn't like that for a female friend I know, and I'm assuming this guy's household is like the latter if he's thinking "My mom will be sad if I die". Cause when I was considering suicide, I was thinking "I wonder how good my mom will be at pretending to care".

Yes, being in what I'll gloss as a "bad state" repulses and drains other people. But so what?

This this this this this this. We need to get out of this mass retardation that when you're literally this close to offing yourself, you still have to think about how your "feelings inconvenience others". Fuck off with that. I spent all of high school wanting to kill myself because my feelings were "too hard" for the woman who CHOSE to pop me out. Big dubs, Dorothy.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

I agree but at the same time, as a guy, it really do be like that. It's a pride thing I think. It's bad, but I do think men are more likely to think that way.

Perhaps, or perhaps that is common, but it is not unique to men. Perhaps women are less likely to frame it up that way, but it absolutely exists for many women. And whether more men than women feel those specific pressures or experience those expectations, anyone who experiences it knows how it feels. The point is that gender games are irrelevant for an individual, and hanging one's very own life on perceptions of macro forces doesn't help you. And the even larger point is regardless of those pressures, there are times when it's so much better to ignore them and put your needs and survival first.

In my household, my mom liked to play this game where she'd insist I could talk to her about anything, but if I opened up then I'd get punished.

That is tremendously undermining, and I'm sorry to hear that. Parents should never rug-pull like that; it's a great way to destroy a kid's ability to trust anyone ever, or to develop the ability to know when/ when not to - nevermind robbing the kid of the deserved and fundamental security of knowing they are deeply loved. Parenting is hard and we are all flawed, but trickery and "gotcha" should never ever happen.

 

[long waters]

there are times when it's so much better to ignore them and put your needs and survival first.

Yeah, definitely. Survival is paramount. You can't do jack when you're dead. As long as you're alive, there's a chance for something good and interesting to happen!

 

[PetiteFeet]

Entirely unrelated, but I think I'm gonna give up trying to cook something based on a whim and an idea. Clearly my cooking skills are in the fucking gutter currently. Nothing I produce comes close to what I imagined. I need to start following recipes that are so baby goo-goo-gaga easy that my 9 year old niece can make it by herself.

I wanted to make sour lime'y noodles with crispy chicken, which I basically just winged with a couple of glances at some other recipes of varying quality. The chicken is fine. It's not the crispy tender golden yummy experience I envisioned, but it's edible. The noodles are edible but flavourless, somehow, despite my use of a large 1-clove garlic and a 5cm piece of ginger, and the juice of an entire lime in the dressing that I tossed the noodles in.
And I keep dropping shit, or stuff slips out of my grasp or some other similar mishap happens in my kitchen. At least it's only me who has to suffer under my cooking

I'm just so tired of my general lack of skill. And when I vocalise that, I get told off because reasons. I don't think I'm being particularly harsh or self-hating, it's just the naked truth.

Praying my appointment tomorrow isn't a waste of time. Surely, surely the psych ward professionals will listen to me or at the very least will listen to my tard wrangler .
Early to bed after a good, long shower and then early out of bed so I can walk my dog before my ride comes.

 

[YHWH's Strongest Soldier]

I'm just so tired of my general lack of skill. And when I vocalise that, I get told off because reasons. I don't think I'm being particularly harsh or self-hating, it's just the naked truth.

Not to tell you off, but consider having someone taste your food just to confirm that. My own sense of taste is severely diminished after a long period of severe overwork or if I work without sleep for two days straight. For me, it's a reliable sign that I really need to get my shit in order.

My point is that it could be less of a skill issue and more of a psychological one.

 

[Otterly]

Rate this TMI or just doxx my location and send me to the psych ward, like it'll make a difference

Ok don’t kill yourself. Everyone else gave you good reasons, I’ll add one more - the body has this thing where it wants to survive. It thwarts you. Shove a gun under your chin? Well you may well just move a bit, and blow your jaw off and live and that would suck. A huge number of suicides fail, and fail to the point people are left badly damaged, which sucks more than being depressed. Chemicals, falling, gunshots etc all fail more than you’d think.

Have you never experienced the absolute disgust from people vulnerability entails? Maybe it's different for being a woman, but as a man, you may as well just kill yourself than open up.

This is a really good point and it’s one I’ve seen on here before. I’m not going to deny you’re right, there is a strong disgust response people have. BUT it varies with distance from the person - if one of my kids opens up and cries I’m concerned and that will be true whether they’re ten or fifty. I wouldn’t think less of them. Ditto a brother.
So I’d say open up but selectively. Male friends can often be a much better bet. Not to female friends, but a sister, or your mum?

my mom liked to play this game where she'd insist I could talk to her about anything, but if I opened up then I'd get punished

That IS awful

Yeah, definitely. Survival is paramount. You can't do jack when you're dead. As long as you're alive, there's a chance for something good and interesting to happen!

True. Life throws stuff at you

I wanted to make sour lime'y noodles with crispy chicken, which I basically just winged with a couple of glances at some other recipes of varying quality. The chicken is fine. It's not the crispy tender golden yummy experience I envisioned, but it's edible.

Ok so here you are saying you’re a crap cook but that crispy chicken stuff is hard. Last time I tried lemon chicken it was like poultry with battery acid, give yourself a break! And another thing, goddam it, I’m so over cooking daily for everyone - you know what I like to eat? Something someone else spent the time to make me. Genuinely. If you put that in front of me and I didn’t have to cook that night I’d be overjoyed. You seem to have very harsh standards you judge yourself on, I would bet others see you in a much softer light.
Life continues to be odd. I am working too much but also aware that I need to, to prove myself at my job and that I may need this job more than previously thought.

 

[Burning Bridge]

I recommend re-reading, because I said the opposite of what you said. To repeat: there is no shame in hurting, and ending things is not the only option.

I just think you're less self-aware than you think you are. You lashed out at me because I dared to go against the nauseating positivity circlejerk that the topic of suicide seems to always engender. Pride, along with hope, were among the first casualties of the years in and out of therapy, mental institutions, and various medical cocktails. It doesn't always get better, and suicide isn't always a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

[William F. Clinton]

I saw a dead-eyed Somali in the full Shredder burqa littering in a public space. Other than that things have been alright.

 

[PetiteFeet]

For me, it's a reliable sign that I really need to get my shit in order.

this is my main takeaway TBQH. I'm just frustrated when something I know I'm usually perfectly capable of fails on me.

I just think you're less self-aware than you think you are. You lashed out at me because I dared to go against the nauseating positivity circlejerk that the topic of suicide seems to always engender. Pride, along with hope, were among the first casualties of the years in and out of therapy, mental institutions, and various medical cocktails. It doesn't always get better, and suicide isn't always a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Go kill yourself, then, nigger.

 

[dick brain]

In my experience, showing vulnerability is a good way of having all decision-making abilities taken away from you. Have you never experienced the absolute disgust from people vulnerability entails? Maybe it's different for being a woman, but as a man, you may as well just kill yourself than open up. It's certainly less painful in the long run.

This is exactly what I mean, thanks for proving the point.

I just think you're less self-aware than you think you are. You lashed out at me because I dared to go against the nauseating positivity circlejerk that the topic of suicide seems to always engender. Pride, along with hope, were among the first casualties of the years in and out of therapy, mental institutions, and various medical cocktails. It doesn't always get better, and suicide isn't always a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

You should consider whether the disgust you experience which you attribute to a reaction to vulnerability might instead be a reaction to you acting like a fucking faggot and that it's not universally true for people who aren't as ugly on the inside as you in particular.

You're making broad statements on the experiences of men but you sound more like a boy to me.

 

[Burning Bridge]

You should consider whether the disgust you experience which you attribute to a reaction to vulnerability might instead be a reaction to you acting like a fucking faggot and that it's not universally true for people who aren't as ugly on the inside as you in particular.

You're making broad statements on the experiences of men but you sound more like a boy to me.

There is that theory that you stop developing emotionally at whatever age you start taking drugs at.

 

[dick brain]

There is that theory that you stop developing emotionally at whatever age you start taking drugs at.

Okay well I was an alcoholic from 13 to 30 and I still managed to figure out how to grow as a person afterward so maybe that theory is gay cope.