How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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I appreciate your empathy but I must inform you that I'm less empathetic about this entire situation as compared to you.
sometimes that is for the best. better than a huge family brawl and whatever.
My age has made me "interesting looking" I dunno what the fuck that means but I may be defective.
Blood drawn.
Plans made.
Want to fucking scream
who said that? also why did you get your blood drawn?? (im nosy)
Told my girlfriend about it
oooh, BAD MOVE :story: i dont blame her, i wouldve been pissed too...im petty though, i would totally drag it out during any future arguments
 
Told my girlfriend about it and she actually got mad at me (she's very possesive of me, she also never met that woman and saw me interact with her).
Possessiveness is one thing but you literally told her immediately after by the sound of it, showing you are sharing things and not hiding it. She should be happy you are making sure she knows about the situation. I know logic doesn't apply evenly to emotional things like this but damn.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
 
Went deer hunting for the first time. This is my first season, I also started somewhat late and didn't have many opportunities to hunt. I eventually got a buck within 20 yards of me, and as I took the shot my fucking arrow fletching flew off. And that was the last buck I saw. I am so unbelievably pissed off
 
I had a moment tonight with the girlfriend of one of my best friends who i've known for about 8 years by now, someone who i am going along with great ever since i know her and someone i talk to semi-regularly. It was the first time where i was talking to her and something made think "Hmm. This feels kinda odd" after i talked to her. She wasn't hitting on me (like, not even in the slightest, neither was i or would i), we have talked about very private stuff before, we weren't even close to anything like that tonight but i got a certain vibe i never got before when talking to her. Just somehow odd in a way it never has felt before. Told my girlfriend about it and she actually got mad at me (she's very possesive of me, she also never met that woman and saw me interact with her). I will never bring this up to my friend or his girlfriend, because why the fuck would i, i have no romantic interest in that girl whatsoever and consider both of them some of my closest friends but nonetheless, it felt off. Not concerningly so, but still enough to get my noggin joggin'.
Those things happen. Weird night, weird connection point, whatever. Best just to ignore it, tbqh, and not give it too much thought - and especially not turn it into generalizations predicated on assumptions.

Went deer hunting for the first time. This is my first season, I also started somewhat late and didn't have many opportunities to hunt. I eventually got a buck within 20 yards of me, and as I took the shot my fucking arrow fletching flew off. And that was the last buck I saw. I am so unbelievably pissed off
That buck appreciates you.
 
parents can do so much damage by ridiculing their childrens interests.
boy can they ever. I'd like to believe I had actually become a zookeeper or worked with animals in general if I hadn't been ("affectionately") bullied with my interest in animals.

-

I'll be honest, I'm not doing great right now. Emotionally, I think I have reached a new neutral, a zen-like state if you will, at the cost of everything else. I haven't been sleeping much more than 5 hours a night this last week, my eating habits and my usual enjoyment/drive for cooking solid meals for myself has been eradicated completely.
I have no palate for my own cooking, everything I make tastes exactly the same and if I try a new recipe, I fuck it up.

My appointment at the psych ward is in a month and I don't have the guts to contact them for an emergency appointment, I feel like I can't justify it because surely, someone else is suffering more than me.

It is now 5AM and I'm finally a little bit tired. I don't want to go for family supper tomorrow/today. I asked my brother if he would be able to help me pick out an SSD that suits my rig, but I have been ghosting him all week. No texting my mother, either, who I usually text at least once a day.
If only I had had the willpower to steel myself and go through with my in-patient thingie. But I didn't. I'm flakey and I'll never get better. Just one long pity party for myself while I waste away mentally.
 
that is horrible. parents can do so much damage by ridiculing their childrens interests.
My parents always hated how much I liked video games. They always made sure to remind me that it was wasted time, how bad it was, etc. As an adult I get it, that total screen time is not good for a kid. But as a kid you don't know, and all they did was belittle my favorite hobby. It doesn't exactly build confidence. It's not like they were interested in anything else going on in my life other than my grades. It's ironic because my mom told me how her mom used to tell her to stop wasting time reading books like she was Matilda. Apparently the lesson there really didn't sink in.
 
My parents always hated how much I liked video games. They always made sure to remind me that it was wasted time, how bad it was, etc.
really?? that sucks. i love video games...my youngest and i like to pick out the most retarded/scary itch.io games we can find and see how playable they are...i actually taught him to read with garrys mod. he just couldnt figure out how to read for ANYTHING, so i made him a steam account, bought him garrys mod, the half life games, and god knows what else and he figured it out from having to type in commands, etc.
video games can be great teaching tools, and also just fun :lol: do they really not play anything at all?? that is wild. im a retard i guess, i assumed everyone likes video games
 
that is horrible. parents can do so much damage by ridiculing their childrens interests
Fuck, this is so true. I was always wary of admitting I liked something because I knew I'd be ridiculed for it. It's devastating.
Otherwise: I've been having nightmares. I don't think anyone else would perceive them as frightening because they're not, they're just vaguely disturbing. I talk, even shout, in my sleep and frequently wake myself up doing that. I need to get some sort of sound-activated recorder so I can hear myself during milder phases, not just when I'm furiously yelling. I know there are apps, but the antque handheld I have so I can pick up an outside internet when I'm stuck at work is too messed up to load one. (Work internet is severely restricted, there's a lot of sensitive data. To even read goddam Facebook you need a different connection.)
Regarding lack-of-partner issues -- I've found that it's better to be alone than to wish that you were. I know too many women who put in all the work (financially and otherwise) in relationships and in return put up with antisocial fanboys who are, at best, seriously underemployed/no resources/declining health. This is bad when you're young, past retirement age it looks unbearable and a fast track into poverty. Being a spinster is still very stigmatized, but it beats hell out of that. In terms of health and personality, I'd be looking at someone 10 to 15 years younger than me, and frankly, those guys are looking for someone just hitting 30. Just playing the hand I was dealt.
 
My parents always hated how much I liked video games. They always made sure to remind me that it was wasted time, how bad it was, etc. As an adult I get it, that total screen time is not good for a kid. But as a kid you don't know, and all they did was belittle my favorite hobby. It doesn't exactly build confidence. It's not like they were interested in anything else going on in my life other than my grades. It's ironic because my mom told me how her mom used to tell her to stop wasting time reading books like she was Matilda. Apparently the lesson there really didn't sink in.
Yeah, same here. I think that's a common experience many people have especially in eastern euro zones and other poor countries. It's a shame so many parents don't know how to take interest in their child's hobbies and encourage them. Sure video games may be a waste of time, but that doesn't matter, what matters is that he kid is passionate about something and should be encouraged to be passionate about things.

I must report to my mentor @Friend of Dorothy Parker that I bought new pillow casings just the other day and they're great. Looking it up now, some people say you should change pillow casings every couple of years, my old ones were almost a decade old. I'm kind of pondering that I should probably change the pillows themselves while I'm at it... But I dunno, I have feather filled pillows and they still feel fine to me, it feels weird throwing out usable pillows.
 
I've been having nightmares. I don't think anyone else would perceive them as frightening because they're not, they're just vaguely disturbing. I talk, even shout, in my sleep and frequently wake myself up doing that.
that isnt good...i am surprised at how many of us have such awful sleep issues!
i scared my daughter a while back..at around 4am, i apparently knocked on her bedroom door and when she answered, i turned around and went back into my own room,, never waking up.
its amazing how people can do so much while asleep without getting hurt.
 
Those things happen. Weird night, weird connection point, whatever. Best just to ignore it, tbqh, and not give it too much thought - and especially not turn it into generalizations predicated on assumptions.
Absolutely. It's pretty much out of my head already and i am not gonna dwell on it. Like i said it just felt odd in that particular moment and that's that.

oooh, BAD MOVE :story: i dont blame her, i wouldve been pissed too...im petty though, i would totally drag it out during any future arguments
I am generally honest with my girlfriend and didn't expect her to be pissed off at all, but she gave me that look when i told her, then went on for 10 mins how she hates [nationality of that girl], always did, and something along of the lines how Shariah might be on the way out in Iran but she is not above bringing it back with the genders reversed in our household :story: Neither me, my girlfriend or that other girl are muslim :story:
We didn't have a serious fight over this yesterday or anything, GF made me food afterwards and everything was fine again. I can't even remember when i had the last fight over something serious with her, must've been years ago. I doubt it will be brought up again apart from when i visit that friend and his girlfriend again, and even then it will only be something a long the lines of "Tell that bitch i will stab her should she ever try something".
Possessiveness is one thing but you literally told her immediately after by the sound of it, showing you are sharing things and not hiding it. She should be happy you are making sure she knows about the situation. I know logic doesn't apply evenly to emotional things like this but damn.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Pretty much what i was thinking yesteday when i told her, mainly because there wasn't even anything close to a real situation, just an off feeling. As written above, it's already solved.
 
There are a few things I invest effort and time into, that I get progress and success in - but still feel unfulfilled. Otherwise I'm fine.
does it help to like take a break from it and then go back later on?
 
does it help to like take a break from it and then go back later on?
Mostly. Sometimes I take a break from everything I planned for one of the weekened days - helps organise later. There are certain things which are stuck in my mind until I do something about them, even if it's not urgent.
 
idk. my husband and i are pretty boring, but everything is so different now...the goth/club scene is so different now..like now days, if you arent sucking the girl cock, you will be ostracized, like completely iced out, and it sucks. i knew a guy who jokingly called his friend gay, and he was kicked out that same night..he had been the dj for this club for like 15 years!
sounds like your dad may be super depressed and also embarrassed that hes having to live off your mom, which is understandable. at this point, i would just try and get along the best you can. getting older is hard, and dealing with bills and other bullsh
I haven't been in the goth scene for a while, I have a feeling it would be a predatory ground for imported sexual predators
who said that? also why did you get your blood drawn?? (im nosy)
I finally found a GP who is accepting clients and so he is doing his due diligence and checking my blood so that I can go on SNRI's. My moods keep spiraling and may be I have been maniac recently but definitely did some autistic spiraling with that book. I have not tried SNRIs but may be they'll work.
I also did a second blood test yesterday in connection with food absorption and being forever anemic and underweight so people came finally stop telling me to eat more. I do eat more. When they see what I eat then I get: "holy cow, you're going to eat all that food!"
People are fucking assholes.

God damn it cat, why do you have to scream outside my door so early? I am getting up already, cool it bro.
 
It would be nice if various institutions didn't treat me like a heroin addict for occasionally using THC edibles to help me sleep soundly. Prazosin just isn't enough to keep the PTSD nightmares at bay, which sounds so faggy but my nightmares aren't just "I got fired and my wife left me" but I came back home and there was an arm, slammed shut in my bedroom door. Someone left a garbage bag full of dismembered body parts of my loved ones in my bedroom.

I don't think I'll be sleeping again for a while.
 
It would be nice if various institutions didn't treat me like a heroin addict for occasionally using THC edibles to help me sleep soundly. Prazosin just isn't enough to keep the PTSD nightmares at bay, which sounds so faggy but my nightmares aren't just "I got fired and my wife left me" but I came back home and there was an arm, slammed shut in my bedroom door. Someone left a garbage bag full of dismembered body parts of my loved ones in my bedroom.

I don't think I'll be sleeping again for a while.
Holy shit man
 
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